Wow, last night was one of the most miserable nights that I have ever had. Honestly, it evokes a breakup hiking date that I had in 2009. I will reproduce that here, as I want to get lighter after sleeping next to nothing last night. Then I just want to meet someone and actually fall in love again. That was a great lesson from her. I finally actually fell head-over-heels completely in love and gave my heart to her. It started hurting after the second of the year.
This morning, I was deleting drafts in my e-mail and came upon a thread that she and I had written to each other at the end of November, and she told me that she was always ready to wrap her body around mine. I loved that! Yesterday, during the time that we never really had a date, she finished up her chores and not only did I never get a kiss, I got pushed away when I finally hugged her after being with her over 5-hours. It still evokes the hike breakup:
“Wow! What a piss poor hike yesterday was. First of all, she called me when I was lacing up my boots and sounded so sullen–much like every conversation that we’ve had on the phone after she canceled via e-mail three weeks ago. Then, when I get up there, she gives me a hug that you’d give in greeting to a wedding guest or colleague.” (me, 2009)
Both of these women wanted a friendship with me afterward and did push and pull. Honestly, could it be in the water? My now true ex lives 5-miles or so from where this woman lived when we dated. Jesus.
I went up there. She was repairing her son’s bike and looked totally hot, but she is not all that out in public; although she has had two long-term partnerships, so I just brought stuff in and gave her space to finish up. No, we didn’t wind up hiking or going to a movie. With her, I don’t know why I ever made date plans, because nary a one of mine was ever honored. The funny thing is that she suggested a picnic two weeks ago and for the last two months she said that she just wants to do “normal” stuff like see a movie. But, hell, we didn’t wind up seeing a movie either! I never know what she wants! I’m wondering if she does…
Very odd, but she honestly has to feel like she is driving the bus at all times, so I let it go, but yesterday started off bad when she HeyTell’ed me and I could tell that if I didn’t pack my bike that she was going to chalk this up to my being an asshole. I’ve been sick, so I didn’t want to bike until later in the weekend. I just didn’t have the lung capacity. That aggravated her as it did that I wasn’t hungry. I wanted to hike! She said yes to that on Tuesday, and that would have helped my appetite after being sick and not feeling hungry. Additionally, walking is easier on the body than biking is.
She told me that we should get some mineral water and get massages. She left, got a pedicure, and I got a massage that did move all the toxins out–I’m not at all sick today–but made some old injuries that I have very sore because the guy could not speak English and it was a clothed one. Not my preference. I pay for a guy who I have known 8-years for the regular kind, so this was really just moving a cold completely out and spending $70. Of course that didn’t make me happy. Plus, then we were an hour apart on what was supposed to be a date.
Still no contact in the car. I touched and caressed her arms and leg, but she told me that I was negative. I still don’t get why I should have been happy about yet another complete departure from the dating plans that I made. I wanted to look at her across a table, as that had worked when we had fought before, so I asked her if we could go to a bar real quick and talk and that is what sent her reeling.
Last fall in both September and October, we had a glass of wine and talked and it ended nicely. It helped us to reconnect, and is decidedly better than trying to have conversation in the house of your lover where it is not neutral territory. Last month I had a beer in the very cool brewery that she took me to in her town, and it was fairly nice too. We actually connected intimately the following morning too. However, she basically said that I may not be an alcoholic, but she’d never go to a bar. Made no sense to me, so I said that we had been to the brewery very recently and she said, “That’s why I wanted to go on the bike trail, because we would have ended there.” I didn’t want to bike last night! (I didn’t say that.) She followed this comment up with, “And something else you should know about me is that I’m not a bar gal, and I’m not a hiker.”
I bought a six-pack, drank one in her kitchen and had a bizarre convo. At least we took a nightwalk and saw the moon on the lake. So, we walked awhile and then she said that we are just too different. First, I wanted two different ex’es back, then I had too many close connections where I live and could never move, then we don’t have timing right, and now we are too different! I was upset, but tired of the litany: You are not into me, and that is fine, and I’m totally sick of push and pull. I wanted my guitar back when we got to her house, and she said that I was creeping her out, so I didn’t touch her, got as much of my shit as I could, and left. I emailed her when I got home because her son is always elsewhere on Friday nights (emails are quieter on her phone and don’t force her to look because her son’s caretaker only calls or texts if she needs her), but she had already texted me twice about how she loves me, but we are too different, and that she wants a friendship after space and time. I was grateful that I had ended my email that I didn’t know that she would even get last night with this:
“So, let’s just take some real space, do our things and see if the fall brings back all the wonderful memories and the possibility for friendship.”
I will need that much time. My falling out of love started last month when she said that she would never leave her house. It continued. Our last intimacy, which was incredible, was two weeks ago. That will be the last too. I do think that she’ll contact me this summer. I’ll be conscientious, but I don’t want to see her until after I turn 38 (at the end of summer). The only thing that I will do is send her a birthday card in the mail when she turns 38. I don’t want her as a close friend, because although my group is not homogenous, we definitely have things in common and don’t lead with what is wrong with each other or how starkly different we are. She and I aren’t that different, but we will never live together and I wanted her to be my partner, and I know that she wanted that too, but required our potential journey to be all on her terms. I can’t do that.