Human Behavior

We tend to reflect on what didn’t go right when we end a relationship.  I think that it is fairly natural to sort through things that occurred in our previous love relationships and then be able to list hosts of reasons that they didn’t work based on interactions.  I think that my last girl was deliberately provocative, and not forthcoming with what was irritating her, so it was easier for her to lash out.  I really liked this picture–I think that it is accurate too:

I think that is why I blog about it, because it will be an aspect of my self-of-therapist activities and help me get rid of some of the negativity that I swallowed up instead of saying, “I’m having trouble putting up with this criticism.”  I don’t wish that I had done that, because I think just letting her go forward with rage and reckless abandon is probably how she is when she is under duress, and that is not someone with whom I want to build a life.

Coming down the world turns over

I’m doing well today and was during this week in general.  Monday she just couldn’t leave me alone.  I kept my line mostly firm: we should take a real break with no communication, but she continued, and I just didn’t respond.  One of her HeyTells was awful too.  I think that a small dog bled to death in her arms as soon as she got home on Tuesday night, as it had been attacked and stripped from it’s owner.  I couldn’t get follow up information because I don’t want to give mixed messages–no communication means just that.  So then of course she texted me at 5 in the morning yesterday and HeyTell’ed me too, but since we have all of our shit back from each other it’s not necessary to communicate and she is going to have to get used to that.

What’s distasteful to me, and is at least somewhat responsible for my firm line of no communication now, is that she not only continued telling me how selfish and negative that I am, but on Friday, she said, “I was creeping her out,” and that was a direct quote from her most recent partner who sent that to her in a text when she thought that she was cheating on her.  She just does not seem to sort much out, and lets previous experiences color who she is currently dating.  However, we must note that she has not ever dated…  She has had long-term relationships.  That’s all.  I’m looking for one, but won’t force it with a woman with whom I constantly fight.  She is my ex-girlfriend and we need this strict space, but I’m incredulous that we will ever have anything.  A Christmas card style relationship is comfortable for me right now, and I don’t see much shift.  She said simply horrible stuff to me and it frankly makes no sense that she’d want a friendship.

I know that she will contact me more.  If I’m so creepy, selfish, and negative and her life is perfect with all kinds of support, why can’t she leave me alone?  Also, I found another thing really unsettling.  She told me that she could be the best friend who I have ever had.  I guess that she never heard me say that my friendships are concentric circles and there are just a few people in that center circle who are truly my family and in my heart.  I had a dinner party when I turned 37 last year and every friend who is part of my soul was there.  It was amazing and the food was fantastic.  I love cooking and feeling the energy in my kitchen as my friends and family are conversing and vibing off each other’s actions and words.  That’s my life and I’m grateful.

It does give me pause though…  The timing…  To be very happy to get home early from work, hear “Help,” and see a woman running.  Then having your work clothes covered in blood from a little dog who you are trying to save.  That is macabre and frightening.  The timing is strange though, and knowing her as well as I do, she will say that because I didn’t reach out and connect to her when she told me what had happened on Tuesday night that I’m selfish, negative, etc.  That’s good, because she is not the best friend who I have.

Shared Meaning

I can tell you what I’m looking for…  Not a woman who is exactly like me, but one who is open to discovering with me and has that sense of adventure.

I’m not sure that I have been approximating what a well-lived life is, because sometimes I am not balanced, so I’d rather reflect on I what everyone seems to say these days, “Put it out into the universe,” which I think comes from that somewhat Eastern movement on the law of attraction and what one is interested in for focus.  So, at least for today, I will write about what I value.

I love being outside and feeling the sun on my skin.  I love the way that water sounds when it is unsettled either from the tide or when it is disturbed by a motor and laps against an embankment.  The sound of water creates pause in my whole being.  I also like the noise that water makes when it is rushing when the table in a river is up.  When you begin a summit there is water around typically and I love knowing that growth is implicit in my surroundings.

Being on top of a mountain and feeling the wind cover your body while you look literally at the world makes you feel small and like you don’t really have a single problem.  When you come down and laugh full of natural endocannabinoids from your summit and have a burger and a beer, you have never felt so happy.  Snowshoeing up to a glacier lake and working your legs give me a whole feeling too, and again, I love afterward to share a meal with someone who I love and can laugh with about anything.

I love to cook when I come home, and if my day has been awful, I also open a beer and drink while I prepare a meal.  I love to throw dinner parties and hear my friends laughing in my kitchen and enjoy pieces of their conversations.  Music is my soundtrack and I break out into song with good friends or make references to song lyrics all the time.  I want to get back into practicing guitar and can’t wait until my son picks up an instrument!  He is dancing now, and although I can’t, I love to watch him dance because his energy takes on a life of its own and he is expressing himself.  In a woman, I find dancing sensual and appealing because you can see things in her that you didn’t see before, and I love novelty.

Adventure is critical for me, and it can be simple adventures like the good memory that I have holding hands crunching through the snow and then naked hot tubing under the stars–it’s like a pleasant surprise to have romantic things like that just unfold naturally, and is the ultimate expression of one’s chemistry with another person.  Organic flow is what I really mean when I think of adventure.   I love to travel and see new places.  I love meals that are well prepared and looking at art.  It would be really cool to see a new city and rent a bike and race around on it to discover tons of it quickly and then be able go back on foot holding a woman’s hand and feel the air on our faces while we look over the scenery that we took in quickly and now want to take in more fully, and at a slower rate.  It could be a preview from the bike with a return on foot because walking and hiking are somethings that I also value.

I taught myself how to ride a bike when I was eight, and I still feel youthful when I ride my pos Mt Bike down the street, around trails or on a singletrack.  I can race it as hard as I want or just glide down hills.  I love the wind rushing on my face and going for hours.  I feel strong and alive when I watch the clouds and the afternoon wane on while I’m on my bike.  I am sooooo looking forward to my new road bike.  I can’t wait to take her on her virgin ride and see a sunrise on her.

Quality of light is important for me too.  The moon casts a beautiful sheen across lakes, and the angle of the sun on a woman’s face at different times of day shows her beauty outdoors.  Seems that I value being outside, using my body, cooking and eating, and connecting and laughing–all of these things are made better if you share them with a beautiful woman.  I think that I do attract these things, so I must be lucky.

When I think of my son, I value that he is thriving, feeling well, and learning a lot.  Love of nature, being well and whole, and learning as much as he can from mentors should be his focus until he is ready to leave our house.  When one is balanced, he can give unto others, which is probably the only “Christian” value that makes sense to me.  In addition to being glad that he is enjoying sports, getting excellent grades in music, I am most grateful that he is regarded as the most kind and appreciative of diversity by his current teacher.  I hope that if I am lucky enough to add children to our family with a partner, and that this virtual child is able to feel well, be outside, learn and truly share.

I’m thinking that these desires and wants are what I value most, and my partner could make it more powerful and teach me things that I don’t know yet.  I’m prone to fantasy, but it is not just an escape for me, but rather I tend to think of it as what I see in my mind’s eye as a possible future.  When I imagine this partner, in one fantasy, I am outside with her and we are having one night away.  It wouldn’t have to occur much, but I would value it when it did.  She and I could maybe have a meal on a deck near loud rushing water when the table is up and have to sit very close together so that we would be able to hear each other and then we could hold hands while the sun sets.  She’d make me laugh a lot and I would be taken in completely by her eyes.  We could leave the doors to the deck open so when we made love you could hear that deafening roar of the water in the bg.
That kind of connection while in nature is important to me and my sense of meaning, as is going back to our kids and enjoying them after we had a night away like this one, because I think that meaning too, comes from raising a family together and meeting the challenges of parenting together as a concerted team (as co-parent that is my more pragmatic side, but is equally important for my shared meaning that I hope to have).  Life is like rushing water, but your partner can hold your hand, be by your side, or simply look into your eyes and you know you are together.  My sense of meaning comes from the knowledge that although independent, I am not alone.

Over and out

Wow, last night was one of the most miserable nights that I have ever had.  Honestly, it evokes a breakup hiking date that I had in 2009.  I will reproduce that here, as I want to get lighter after sleeping next to nothing last night.  Then I just want to meet someone and actually fall in love again.  That was a great lesson from her.  I finally actually fell head-over-heels completely in love and gave my heart to her.  It started hurting after the second of the year.

This morning, I was deleting drafts in my e-mail and came upon a thread that she and I had written to each other at the end of November, and she told me that she was always ready to wrap her body around mine.  I loved that!  Yesterday, during the time that we never really had a date, she finished up her chores and not only did I never get a kiss, I got pushed away when I finally hugged her after being with her over 5-hours.  It still evokes the hike breakup:

“Wow!  What a piss poor hike yesterday was.  First of all, she called me when I was lacing up my boots and sounded so sullen–much like every conversation that we’ve had on the phone after she canceled via e-mail three weeks ago.  Then, when I get up there, she gives me a hug that you’d give in greeting to a wedding guest or colleague.” (me, 2009)

Both of these women wanted a friendship with me afterward and did push and pull.  Honestly, could it be in the water?  My now true ex lives 5-miles or so from where this woman lived when we dated.  Jesus.

I went up there.  She was repairing her son’s bike and looked totally hot, but she is not all that out in public; although she has had two long-term partnerships, so I just brought stuff in and gave her space to finish up.  No, we didn’t wind up hiking or going to a movie.  With her, I don’t know why I ever made date plans, because nary a one of mine was ever honored.  The funny thing is that she suggested a picnic two weeks ago and for the last two months she said that she just wants to do “normal” stuff like see a movie.  But, hell, we didn’t wind up seeing a movie either!  I never know what she wants!  I’m wondering if she does…

Very odd, but she honestly has to feel like she is driving the bus at all times, so I let it go, but yesterday started off bad when she HeyTell’ed me and I could tell that if I didn’t pack my bike that she was going to chalk this up to my being an asshole.  I’ve been sick, so I didn’t want to bike until later in the weekend.  I just didn’t have the lung capacity.  That aggravated her as it did that I wasn’t hungry.  I wanted to hike!  She said yes to that on Tuesday, and that would have helped my appetite after being sick and not feeling hungry.  Additionally, walking is easier on the body than biking is.

She told me that we should get some mineral water and get massages.  She left, got a pedicure, and I got a massage that did move all the toxins out–I’m not at all sick today–but made some old injuries that I have very sore because the guy could not speak English and it was a clothed one.  Not my preference.  I pay for a guy who I have known 8-years for the regular kind, so this was really just moving a cold completely out and spending $70.  Of course that didn’t make me happy.  Plus, then we were an hour apart on what was supposed to be a date.

Still no contact in the car.  I touched and caressed her arms and leg, but she told me that I was negative.  I still don’t get why I should have been happy about yet another complete departure from the dating plans that I made.  I wanted to look at her across a table, as that had worked when we had fought before, so I asked her if we could go to a bar real quick and talk and that is what sent her reeling.

Last fall in both September and October, we had a glass of wine and talked and it ended nicely.  It helped us to reconnect, and is decidedly better than trying to have conversation in the house of your lover where it is not neutral territory.  Last month I had a beer in the very cool brewery that she took me to in her town, and it was fairly nice too.  We actually connected intimately the following morning too.  However, she basically said that I may not be an alcoholic, but she’d never go to a bar.  Made no sense to me, so I said that we had been to the brewery very recently and she said, “That’s why I wanted to go on the bike trail, because we would have ended there.”  I didn’t want to bike last night!  (I didn’t say that.)  She followed this comment up with, “And something else you should know about me is that I’m not a bar gal, and I’m not a hiker.”

I bought a six-pack, drank one in her kitchen and had a bizarre convo.  At least we took a nightwalk and saw the moon on the lake.  So, we walked awhile and then she said that we are just too different.  First, I wanted two different ex’es back, then I had too many close connections where I live and could never move, then we don’t have timing right, and now we are too different!  I was upset, but tired of the litany:  You are not into me, and that is fine, and I’m totally sick of push and pull.  I wanted my guitar back when we got to her house, and she said that I was creeping her out, so I didn’t touch her, got as much of my shit as I could, and left.  I emailed her when I got home because her son is always elsewhere on Friday nights (emails are quieter on her phone and don’t force her to look because her son’s caretaker only calls or texts if she needs her), but she had already texted me twice about how she loves me, but we are too different, and that she wants a friendship after space and time.  I was grateful that I had ended my email that I didn’t know that she would even get last night with this:

“So, let’s just take some real space, do our things and see if the fall brings back all the wonderful memories and the possibility for friendship.”

I will need that much time.  My falling out of love started last month when she said that she would never leave her house.  It continued.  Our last intimacy, which was incredible, was two weeks ago.  That will be the last too.  I do think that she’ll contact me this summer.  I’ll be conscientious, but I don’t want to see her until after I turn 38 (at the end of summer).  The only thing that I will do is send her a birthday card in the mail when she turns 38.  I don’t want her as a close friend, because although my group is not homogenous, we definitely have things in common and don’t lead with what is wrong with each other or how starkly different we are.  She and I aren’t that different, but we will never live together and I wanted her to be my partner, and I know that she wanted that too, but required our potential journey to be all on her terms.  I can’t do that.

Chillax

She always says that to me when she is finally heading home and we are talking on the phone.  Admittedly, she doesn’t do it really during the week, and I know that because she doesn’t, so she tends to deeply resent our situation and sometimes me too.  I was livid the day before yesterday when we hung up because it was like talking a corpse.  Why bother?  Three-and-a-half-hours later, she HeyTell’ed and apologized and said that she didn’t have good coping skills during the week.  I said that I think that it is more that she wants someone shoulder burdens of life with her and I’m hobbled from 40-miles away, which is true.  Of course, she took that as that I want out soon.  OMG!!!

I told her that love her and I want to have some conversation about shared meaning (what we value about life), but not for a couple of months.  And, I don’t.  We should date.  We never have dated.  She is completely tanked by the weekend, so we eat and sometimes watch part of a movie on a Friday night.  We have also done some Sunday night connection time when she doesn’t have hers, but I have always had mine less two nights.  We parent and half-assed date.  Time to enjoy dammit!  I’m making a quiche tonight–where the hell does one find a picnic basket that will accommodate a pie plate–and putting together fruit and stuff.  We will hike and then I have a little entry that I decided not to blog about being outside, cooking, music and adventure.  I’m going to read it to her under the trees and then we will actually catch a movie.  We haven’t done that (just the latter) since December.

Sunday would have been hot for about an hour, but my son decided that cleaning our living room was above him and acted like a total ass.  He slammed his door on her son and got his finger stuck in it.  He was contrite, but I’m tired of his tantrums.  We have had a good week, but the expense was that he did something in a fit and hurt her boy on Sunday, so the outcome is that he is guilt-ridden and well-behaved this week.  We wound up playing in an indoor playground in a mall by my house and it was fun, and she was really understanding.  I’m grateful that she has raised two other kids and understands that sometimes kids are in foul moods and have tantrums.  Not fun though.  We would have hiked, but it was too windy so we had to switch gears.  I wasn’t expecting company so my house was too messy, but we made it work mostly.  My son did a bunch of good stuff last night and asked me to call and leave a message for the psychologist who we saw twice and will work again with this summer.  He knows what he should be doing, but is too smart sometimes and admittedly manipulative.  I would much rather co-parent him with someone.

Tricky business, that.  I haven’t known her long enough honestly.  Breaking up with her directly was the best thing that I could have done though, because she is reflecting more and certainly not leading with what’s wrong with us.  There is something wrong with everyone and most kids; although much of the latter can be due to developmental things that kids have going on for them.  Finding your common ground and seeing if you want to build something takes time.  I have to be down here for another 15-months because of school and my work contract, so we have time.  IMHO, she will have to adjust to the miles because I can’t pop over there much with the exception of summer, and it’s not impromptu or “Hey, I was thinking of you, can we have dinner together?”  She will have to adjust to being completely alone, and ultimately, that is good for her.

A friend was talking to me on the phone last night and reminded of something that I said five-years ago and had honestly completely forgotten.  When I did my final separation (We had been separated for four-months three years previous), I told my friends, “It is going to be hard to be alone, but ultimately, I know that is what I need and how I will grow.”  That year was the hardest one that I’ve had, I think.  At least it was top three for difficulty, but I learned so much about who I am.  I think that she needs to miss me, think about things, and get stronger on her two feet without the distraction of taking care of another woman or just having one around fairly easily.

So, now, onto tomorrow.  I want to have a beautifully romantic date.  I want to enjoy her turquoise eyes and laugh tons.  That’s the intention that I have for Friday.

Empathy

I get so angry all of the time and want to play the bullshit card, but I need to work on my perspective taking.  This week was more informal than last and this one started with fantastic lovemaking and tender exchanges.  It just fades away by week’s end and drives me fucking crazy.  I want to say, “Then why did you call me and ask me if we could just be light and easy until after Memorial Day when we get to go away kid-free and afterward make some decisions?”  Light and easy to you translates into infrequent contact and really being put in a friends’ queue.  I honestly think because she thinks that she is the best friend in the world that I will want that at some point.

Redefine as friends is the ultimate bullshit anyway, is it not?  You didn’t work as partners so you’ll work as friends?  That analogy is poor.  Very poor.  Especially when one is admittedly judgmental and is the queen of unsolicited advice.  I listen to it now, because I would prefer to go to counseling and then take the plunge to live together.  If we had our “friends hats” on and she started in about my parenting, I would say, “Hey, I didn’t ask, so I really don’t want any unsolicited advice.”  She’d be smoking pissed at me, but my BFFs seem to think my son is not too bad, and that I do the best that I can.

That being said, I do know that there is a world of difference when your son has never had to share your affections and is with you and a love interest.  I was with the drunk for 11-months before I even introduced her to my son, and he had a colossal meltdown on the sidewalk of a busy street in an overstimulated state when we transitioned from a city cultural event fair that he didn’t want to leave right in front of her.  She took it as kid behavior, which it is.  You know the kind that you witness when you are childless and go, “Wow,” and either think that the parent should not have taken the child out in public or you want to disappear into a sudden chasm in the floor or earth because of how embarrassed you feel for that parent.  It’s fantastic when it happens to you!  However, she was cool about it.

There is nothing cool about the way in which my current works with my son when he melts down.  And because he knows that I love her and sees us hold hands, he gets what a six-year-old should get, and that’s jealous.  When I do settle down with a partner, he will have to adjust.  I do get that.  However, I don’t need to hear how it’s that he is a mess.  He’s not.  He is fairly well-adjusted and listens to most adults.  He just doesn’t always listen to me, but we work on it, and with a soon-to-be psychologist as a parent, he will always probably have to “talk about” it.  Tee-hee.

So, she has lost a caregiver.  I’m sure that it’s painful.  I have had lots of losses, but not that one yet.  I have also had a bizarre loss right before I started high school, so I’m different when it comes to grief.  Sublimation has made me very good at children’s grief work too.

She has the weirdest job in the world.  It does pay.  I will never make what she does.  But, the levels of stress are unreal and because of the nature of the work, she honestly cannot talk about it at all.

She has a tiny child.  Although he can walk and has begun talking, he is little and not regulated with his patterns.  I remember that, and honestly never would have dated seriously when my son was that age.  He was about 6-months older than hers is now when I had a coming out affair, but, I knew it would not be serious.  She is looking for a co-parent, but because of the last two paragraphs, that is a tricky business.

I do feel better after venting.  She pisses me off and I don’t do casual.  It will be interesting to see how family time is tomorrow.  I want a time warp to October, dammit.

Little less rough around the edges

A friend who I shared a mental health office for a year-and-a-half told me once, “You are really loving although you are rough around the edges,” and my ex-husband said, “She’d be cool if she could tone it down a little.”  So, I just hung up with her, and I get what those two statements mean.  Maybe her purpose in my life has been to see how I really do come off and what I can do to soften even more.  She can really be tough.  It’s amazing to me that two weeks ago a friend had dinner at my house and said, “I can really see how you have changed and are much less direct.”  Again, after you date and spend many nights alone for five-years, you tend to see what you’re like.  You have to evolve.

A major difference between she and I is that if I’m meant to walk this earth alone, I don’t mind at all.  I sometimes feel that I’m trapped in the body of a 17-year-old boy in terms of my libido, but that can be remedied like I did in the summer of 2009.  I could do that.  Please know that my preference is to find a partner, but if I don’t, I will be just fine.  I always am fine.  I don’t really need anyone with the exception of my son.  I used to have stronger social needs too, and those have subsided as well.  If I have adult conversation over dinner once or twice a week, I am totally fine. Mainly because I spent the first at least five-months, if not a full year, of 2008 totally crazy, but I did get good at the solo gig.  I’m very good at it, and the derivative is that I won’t co-habitate until nuts and bolts are mostly tightened.  I don’t want bullshit day-to-day without groundrules.  Time-outs are also critical.

I do need to say that she really needs a good lay right now.  She’s pretty transparent.  I’m at home pretty sick currently so we spoke when I was heading back home from dropping my son at school and she was being kinda bitchy.  I think that both of us feel that when we do have intimacy that we tend to wanting more.  It’s only been three days, but we’d be ready and it is tender and passionate.  It was funny that on Saturday night it didn’t have that make-up sex quality.  It was intense, but loving.  We just need to take some time.  The one thing that I won’t bend on is the whole couples counseling thing.  I will walk if that is not honored.  I will ask at the end of next month or the beginning of June.  I hope that she consents.  If she doesn’t, I have to stop our sexual relationship and go back to the dating pool.

Things we do

I have to admit, and it’s NOT easy.  I can’t give up our intimate life.  So, I told her let’s do the FB thing.  I think that she was offended.  But, I was totally serious.  Because she has hurt me so much and with great frequency this year and she mostly says that she’s just irritable because of her loss, I have really hardened my heart.  I love her, but the whole in love thing has layers of caution surrounding it.

I did the “let’s just see when we can feasibly be friends” on Friday night and then she called on Saturday.  She was furious with me because I’m doing well, and I am.  Namely because I’m out of the doldrums.  That place is not a good one for me to be in, and just saying it and explaining that waiting around for a break-up is not what I’m able to do anymore with what I’ve got going on in my life, willed her angered beyond belief.  In fact, she said, “I look forward to the time that we can be friends.  Bye.”  And I said bye and left for my son’s soccer game.  She called me about 20-minutes later and asked if I got her message that she had left for me on my home phone and told her that I was heading to soccer.  She said that she wanted me in her life, that I didn’t have to listen to the message, but she doesn’t want a break and wants our friendship to be always.

After soccer that changed to flirtation, which does, get me hot.  I’m telling you, making love to her is not like anything.  I mean it too.  So, I told her, “When you want to add me to the mix, consider me for an FB.”  She said, “When you get tired of mediocre sex with other women, you let me know.”  Then when we texted and confirmed, she said that she’d tell me where she was at when we were together.  My picture is not in her bedroom anymore, and frankly the two of her and her son are not in mine in addition to some other things she has given me, but Dear God, what great sex.  Wow.

So, she said, “Let’s leave it at light, but remember that I’m in love with you.”  So, I’m not in summer swing of things, but I don’t have to loose the best intimate connection that I’ve ever had.  I’m glad.  I told her on the phone that we don’t have to define it.  If she does start pinning me down on that–likely after Memorial Day or in June–I’ll say that NOT without counseling.  Our relationship has gotten really fucked up regardless of the reason.  If we continue this summer, we’ll need professional guidance.

Fade Out

Ah, this request is familiar…  Trade-in aka two-for-one that makes me feel like the blue light special.  Meet me halfway somewhere?  Fuck that.  I was the idiot who went against what I said that I would be doing and that was not make any plans with her, so I’m getting what I deserve.  I should have held to it too.  We probably won’t see each other for quite awhile.  That’s just as well too because time will be healing for me.  I sure as hell don’t want to drive all the way up there on Tuesday either.  So, I’m not.  I will say what comes natural when we talk next and I won’t call.  In fact, I won’t do much of anything.  We will fade away.

Stairsteps

I’m nearly positive that she wants it to be over.  We had a terrible conversation yesterday.  We have our face-to-face on Friday night.  She still flies off the handle and gets really stern and short.  And, honestly, that she doesn’t think that she does the back and forth is truly bizarre to me, but I guess that there’s two sides to every story.  When I listen to her talk about her ex-partner (She has had two.), I can hear that break-up / make-up in it too.  However, I can’t do that.  I think and observe, and when it’s over, it’s over for me.  And I’m pretty sure that’s where I am too.

I know that I’ve written what I want.  What I don’t want is someone who can’t take me positively and from the point of what she wants.  Remember that line in “Beautiful Girls,” when the heroine from “Goonies” who is no longer a teenager says, “One makes a decision based on what one wants, not what one doesn’t want.”  I would stay with her if we could meet half-way twice a month and do couples counseling.  That’s it.  Otherwise, I don’t think that we are doing well enough to stay together.

Yesterday, I wanted to make love to her.  It sucked.  Physically, she is really consuming.  The thing is that when you have two or maybe even three kids in the house, that stuff becomes less frequent, because you’re really tired.  So, if you have that classic Avoidance-Attack pattern in the mix too, you would probably never have sex again.  So, we can choose at the six-month mark to work through our large problems with someone who we pay or we can bounce.

I’m at that point where the push and pull for me is more part and parcel of my grief.  I’m reasonably sure that we can’t do anything about our problems without getting an outside perspective.  I just miss her a ton and remember all the good that we had the first three-months that we were together, and I think that if she was more solid about me, we’d have more.

Day 2

Well, last night she texted.  She told me that I was being sterile and basically forcing her into my definition of “space.”  I don’t know what else taking space and time is.  But, I did text back and told her how sad and furious I was.  Then, this morning, we actually spoke, and I read her my e-mail.  She was quiet.  She always is when I express tons of emotion and when I ask her what her reaction is she always says the same thing, “I’m listening.  I do that a lot.”  The implication is that I don’t.

So, I did leave her a VM tonight which is unacknowledged right now wishing her and her son goodnight and good sleep.  My own son is not here again and my house feels so empty.  My nanny had a conflict and I don’t have two anymore and I can’t take tomorrow off because it is required day to get paid.  My father can take him in tomorrow for me and I’m grateful to have their help.  My Mom will make him a proper breakfast that I never have time to do because I have to be in my office by 7.  Honestly, it will be good when next week comes and I have a full week of work and some space of my own back into my typical routine.

I think it’s just the assumptions that have made me so pissed.  She says that she just wants me to tell her things without asking questions, but usually what it amounts to is that she tells me how I am.  I am fairly open.  Not completely open, but it is a derivative of trusting her so fully and then having to pick of the pieces of my heart in Jan and Feb.  March helped me sort it all out myself.  I’m sorted.  I’ll be the first to admit that I’m still in love with her, but I don’t want all these conclusions about me to be drawn without simply first asking me how I feel or why I reacted the way that I did.  She thinks that she is the expert on everyone who she knows and that just isolates people.

It is interesting to me that after I told her that my e-mail was full of rage and I read it to her that my anger mostly subsided.  Then after my own real therapy session (Meaning one that I pay for.) was over, I felt pretty good.  I still miss the way that she smells and feels and our intimacy.  I don’t miss her assumptions and the way that I feel like she sees me.  Also, I am not sure that although she doesn’t want to be alone (She admitted this to me today.) that anyone will ever meet her standards or simply be good enough for her.

Day 1

Won’t it be funny and a good therapeutic exercise to post days after being newly single?  I think so.  So, after the shitty convo I left three messages (not psycho dialing), but with HeyTell, and that’s all that I wrote.  I’m good.  I got a love letter last night.  I was at the Club.  I had a good time with my friends too.  I’m not going to respond.  Actually, I did already and some of it was really sarcastic.  I just didn’t send it.  I’m not impulsive.  I’m not going to send it either.  She and her best friend have a “pet theory” about me.  Just goes to show that when she fills in the gaps and is the expert on me that she doesn’t know anything.  Here is something that I wrote in the e-mail that I didn’t send.  I like it.

“You seem to have me all figured out.  It’s not a charitable view of me either.  I don’t approach you like this, and I’m looking for a woman who takes me for what I am.

All your love?  WTF does that mean?  If this is how you talk about your loved ones, then I really don’t get it.  I just don’t.  I’m not sure what our future holds.”

I guess that I’m in the Anger stage of grief right now.  It’s because she can be cruel.  Tori Amos says, “Don’t give me respect.  Don’t give me a piece of your preciousness.”  And it’s not.  Her terms of endearment are for everyone and she says, “I love you,” to people that she freely talks shit about.  It’s like my local BFF told me once, “Don’t ever assume that people are any different with you as they are with others you see them with.”  Got it.