Well, last night she texted. She told me that I was being sterile and basically forcing her into my definition of “space.” I don’t know what else taking space and time is. But, I did text back and told her how sad and furious I was. Then, this morning, we actually spoke, and I read her my e-mail. She was quiet. She always is when I express tons of emotion and when I ask her what her reaction is she always says the same thing, “I’m listening. I do that a lot.” The implication is that I don’t.
So, I did leave her a VM tonight which is unacknowledged right now wishing her and her son goodnight and good sleep. My own son is not here again and my house feels so empty. My nanny had a conflict and I don’t have two anymore and I can’t take tomorrow off because it is required day to get paid. My father can take him in tomorrow for me and I’m grateful to have their help. My Mom will make him a proper breakfast that I never have time to do because I have to be in my office by 7. Honestly, it will be good when next week comes and I have a full week of work and some space of my own back into my typical routine.
I think it’s just the assumptions that have made me so pissed. She says that she just wants me to tell her things without asking questions, but usually what it amounts to is that she tells me how I am. I am fairly open. Not completely open, but it is a derivative of trusting her so fully and then having to pick of the pieces of my heart in Jan and Feb. March helped me sort it all out myself. I’m sorted. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m still in love with her, but I don’t want all these conclusions about me to be drawn without simply first asking me how I feel or why I reacted the way that I did. She thinks that she is the expert on everyone who she knows and that just isolates people.
It is interesting to me that after I told her that my e-mail was full of rage and I read it to her that my anger mostly subsided. Then after my own real therapy session (Meaning one that I pay for.) was over, I felt pretty good. I still miss the way that she smells and feels and our intimacy. I don’t miss her assumptions and the way that I feel like she sees me. Also, I am not sure that although she doesn’t want to be alone (She admitted this to me today.) that anyone will ever meet her standards or simply be good enough for her.