When I was married to my ex-wife sometimes we ate dinner and watched tv with her mother and her mother’s boyfriend. I’ve saved a video at my former mother-in-law’s house that makes me happy to watch wherein we were packing up to leave and everyone was making my dog howl while my ex-wife’s dog was running around. I was happy and you can see that on my face.

We also had game nights that we hosted or they would host.

I like those things because they have a purpose that is specific.

They also end in a couple of hours.

My ex-GF said that she initially found me confusing as she met me in a discussion group and I played kickball and bowled. Yes, these things are social. Yes, I am really best 1-1 with people and not into socializing if it’s outside of a specific activity. Yes, I prefer to go home and sleep after being social.

Again, discussions and sports are specific.

They end.

Even family reunions end. My mother had 124 first and second cousins because her father was from a family of 13 kids and her mother was from a family of 6 kids. Family reunions were enormous. Because they were so enormous, you could step away with a cousin and talk, climb trees or throw catalpa seeds through broken windows. (Ha.)

Scorpio and I went to a panel regarding energy problems facing our country on Thursday. Then we had dinner reservations. She talked to me about feeling guilty about the long birthday party. I told her that she shouldn’t, and that when she promised that we’d debrief the whole thing and she wouldn’t automatically break up with me if I was really quiet or socially awkward there, that I was fine with going. That didn’t make her feel any better.

I told her that I need 7-10 hours of sleep at a stretch. I’m not a napper unless I’m sick because they give me headaches. I can’t wear ear plugs because I’m full of wax generally. I just am not a partier. I never have been either. I wasn’t in college.

Scorpio is getting to know me and she accepts me. She wants to be a teammate. I’ve never had someone want that with me.

My ex-husband thought that I was a unicorn. He told me once, “I think that you’re a practical genius.” It was more like finding me odd. We weren’t on the same team.

My ex-wife was mad at me for how much I worked. She would throw my doctorate and years of schooling in my face in and outside of fights that we had. We fought and didn’t resolve anything.

Scorpio simply asked me, “Why do you work so much?”

I told her that I’m a good employee and that everything with the exception of my book, some training, and testing that is minimal my other jobs pay into my pension which will pay out (I told her how much.) monthly until I die. I also really like my work. I have 3-7 years left and then I’m getting a different license altogether and will see clients in my Zoom office that I’ve had since the pandemic or will see in person clients in my best friend’s practice office. I don’t want more than 10 clients either. I’m getting too old for 45-hour workweeks.

I don’t pass judgment on anyone who isn’t a workhorse. I simply am one.

My socializing has discrete beginning, middle and end points.

Yesterday, when I was in the shower, I realized that this birthday party is how I’m doing compersion.

It’s not about me.

It’s about her having a romantic partner there who is watching her have joy and connection.

I know that several of her lovers are at this party too.

I want her to have a good time the entire time that we’re there. And I know she likes that she has me as her touchdown.

Like me, Scorpio has gotten really used to being the only non-married person who’s with her friends. Shit, I was like that the last time that I was ACTUALLY married! My former mother-in-law moved out-of-state when my ex-wife and I had been married about 2-years. My ex-wife didn’t really have a friend group that was substantial. She is much more family oriented.

On the grounds at the party there are hikes, board games in the main lodge, ability to rent kayaks, and mountains in this area. I need to find a way in which to structure my time to have specific activities. I’ll bring two books and my nature journal. It will be weird to not be able to blog, but I have to wait to do that on my solo vacations.

This birthday party will also end. I want to be less scared of being in a vulnerable position. That’s something that I always have to work on as a continuous process.