Tag Archives: Outdoors

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Intense

I know that I’m intense, and it’s been better generally when I have dated women who were equally so or got fired up about things occasionally. That way my energy matches well with a romantic partner.

Monday I got up to the cabin early afternoon and connected for about an hour with Nightingale. I had to head into town to get a couple of groceries that I’d forgotten. I came back and Nightingale had out olives, cheese, fruit and some other things, which was sweet. I got a salad completed and put it on the table and then made the pasta.

Nightingale told me that she was hanging onto something.

It was about my best friend.

When I was in my mid-twenties and new to this career we had a friend group who were also all early career.

One of the members of this group was visiting from CA and her trip dates were migrating all over the map which was frustrating. I cancelled some plans that I had too, but had promised her that I’d see her.

Finally, my best friend said that she’d host a pizza party for this mutual friend. I made a salad.

I asked Nightingale to accompany me because I thought that she was leaving for Northern CA the following day–it turned out that she couldn’t because of her knee swelling.

Anyway, what she said that she was hanging onto was that she had an awful time there.

My best friend was being cold and strange. And the experience was pretty awkward generally.

Nightingale said that I didn’t have her back, that I behaved badly, and that I should’ve gotten her out of there quickly.

That’s an overreach. I didn’t abandon her. And that she brought it up many days later is a difficult way to have conflict.

Anyway, I didn’t even want to eat, so having not even brought in my suitcase, I decided to go. I took my pasta dish and headed out on the dirt road to get to the highway. She called me a few minutes later and seemed less volatile, so I drove back and we talked it out.

Nightingale slept upstairs and I slept downstairs.

I hiked the following day.

I hiked the creek initially and it was moderately steep, and then after I did so at elevation and saw the creek from below I walked to the other side of the trailhead and started this hike (pictured above). It was very pretty and peaceful. It didn’t really rain as there is severe drought in the majority of the West–in fact, only in the area of ID where I was last month is lacking drought currently–but, I decided that I would be best to finish up where I had originally hiked.

I was planning to go back here

I headed down the rocky trail (the first picture) and a guy and a girl were heading up. Only the guy greeted me and I noticed his nice and piercing blue eyes. After that brief greeting I walked a little longer when a small distance in front of me a blur crossed over. Then I saw a little cub, which was cute.

I froze.

They both crossed over the rocky path and began scaling the hillside on my left. I backed up and stepped several steps to my right.

Then the mother saw me and stared. She was 40-yards away.

I could hear my heart beating in my ears and all the blood was rushing to my temples. My neck was shaking as the blood was coursing through my body to my brain and extremities.

I stood completely still and didn’t avert my gaze.

She got out of my view and went up the hill and huge rocks started falling onto the trail. I walked sideways a bit more and could see that she was throwing them with her back feet. I kept sidestepping and then as she was busy throwing rocks, I thought that now was a good time for me to completely leave the trail and go back to the creek. I walked sideways for a minute or so and then because there wasn’t a trail and I didn’t want to fall, I went back to the rocky trail. I looked up. I stood silently. I couldn’t see or hear her. I ran like hell and was back to the trailhead in a flash. I’ve never run that hard. I also have never seen a bear before. And this situation included two bears in the worse scenario given a mother’s protection.

I’ve hiked many hundreds of miles. This was my first scary wildlife encounter.

I drove into town to get cellphone signal and talked on the phone with Hockey.

I didn’t want to take bear energy into the cabin given how touchy Nightingale is in general.

After a good talk with Hockey, I drove back to the cabin.

I told her that I was back an hour early because I had an encounter with a mother bear and cub. She told me that it was good that I wasn’t in Yellowstone or Glacier, because if I had been that would’ve been a grizzly, and I’d be dead. Regardless, it was scary.

Nightingale had made a roast with potatoes and carrots. It was really good. I said, “This is lovely. Have you ever made something this fabulous and someone pours ketchup all over it instead of tasting it?”

WWIII ensued.

To her I was controlling someone’s enjoyment of food that doesn’t have to do with me.

I do think that as an adult you have the chance to enjoy one bite of something if you simply try.

I told her that I was going downstairs and I packed up and started showering off the hike and the bear.

I only feel comfortable writing that she had a crisis. I know because I work with episodes all the time at work.

And because I know what to do, I tended to her for about 3-hours and she was fine and was able to sleep soundly. I went downstairs that night and slept solidly for hours having a bear encounter and then having my shit jumped again by a woman going through way too many moving parts at the moment.

The next day was fine and we walked roughly the same distance that I had hiked solo the day before; however, we were on an urban trail with panoramic views of mountains along a huge lake.

I picked up takeout Japanese food for us that night, brought it back to the cabin, and she wanted me to watch “Ted Lasso,” which has been recommended to me for years by various people. I think that I watched 3-4 episodes with her. Then she started cleaning up so I helped and then I went back to the tv because she asked me to start another episode. I could hear her packing up food so I said that I’d wait until she was done. I paused the show.

When she was done she said that because tomorrow was her last day before her next surgery that she wanted to be home, sleep in her own bed and wake up for a full day at home. I told her that made a lot of sense to me. I loaded her car. She hugged and kissed me in the house and I said that I’d walk her outside too. She kissed me again when I was talking to her before she drove away on the dirt road.

I called Hockey and we talked a long time. She and I talk everyday.

Nightingale texted me that night when she got to her house.

The following morning, I did as she asked. I addressed the final things in the property rental and sent a DM in the app for us. Then I texted her that I was leaving and texted her when I got to my driveway (not my garage).

Yesterday, I got home and my son had the garage blocked and the housecleaners were here. It was all pretty typical. I have a good vacation and come home to something chaotic or unpredictable which impacts my transition. The good thing was that I had a massage at 3. I was able to tell my massage therapist about the bears and I wrote a draft with some of this material in it when I came home. It was nice to be in a clean house. I slept well all night.

Whew.

I’m no stranger to any of these dynamics with women. She reminds me of a previous GF that I had in my 30s and also reminds me of my ex-wife in terms of seething for days about things that she spins on without talking about them. I also know that because of what she’s gone through in her life that talk therapy isn’t going to cut it and has the chance to be counterproductive. I’ve told her which modality I think that she should switch to after she’s recovered and can walk now that she’ll have two new knees.

Anyway, I am making the responsible choice and not mixing any romance between us going forward.

Nightingale says over and over how she’s seeking her long-term partner. That effort will be better when she’s addressed some of the things going on in her body.

Yesterday she told me her surgery time. I’ve texted her about good energy, healing vibes and other things. I won’t ever say or text anything adjacent to dating going forward. I’m willing and able to run some errands, chat in person or on the phone, and drop off meals or specific food craving things during her recovery. That’s it. There are some intense things that I can’t engage in anymore at this stage of my life.

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Lifestyle

My dog has some spinal problems so she doesn’t know if she’s pooping. She’ll be 15 in September at the end of summer. She hasn’t been able to take walks really anymore. She was into and completed a super short one–two blocks–yesterday after I bathed her at a Mom and Pop pet shop.

Her back hips are displacing altogether.

Yesterday she slipped in the tub and was laying down in the tub and pooped again.

One of the three cats has renal failure beginning. It’s been really stressful because she doesn’t always finish her special diet food and then one of her brother cat eats it and he gets diarrhea. The other brother had an anal gland abscess and when his Vet removed it, she said that it was the biggest that she’d ever seen. He has to go to the Vet every four months now.

My dog is in a clinical trial, so her life will be extended a little regardless if she’s on the placebo because she sees the Vet all the time.

However, they cost thousands.

I was able to rehome my ex-wife’s dog in May of 2025 so that’s helpful. It is also helpful to not have dog pee on things that she would mark smelling up my house while I was at work.

Only the dog is mine.

I’m too much of a softy to rehome the cats although they’ve become too much with the food situation. I’ll contact the cat vet and see how the diet can be changed to one thing for all of them.

I was talking with Nightingale last night and the cat with the renal disease was chirping, meowing and sometimes purring.

Nightingale didn’t mention anything. She’s allergic to cats. However, to some extent she’s not even close to an animal person. I haven’t ever been on the phone with someone who didn’t ask which one was making noise when any of mine are being appealing.

I like her dog a lot and he’s trained to only be a dog in all respects. He can’t get on furniture, beds, or even greet someone unless they reach down to greet him.

When she made me dinner on Saturday night in her house her well-trained and super cute dog made a specific noise and wagged his tail and I said, “He’s asking for food, right?” She was shocked. I told her that I’m great with animals. I am good with domestic animals cues and can get very close to deer when I’m hiking to snap a picture. (I’m not a dumbass so I don’t like being near mountain lions, rattlesnakes, moose, and haven’t had a bear encounter yet thankfully.)

Scorpio’s dog was a really good boy and well-trained. He was allowed to obsess on me when he wanted to and he did. I still miss her dog a lot.

I love all animals. I like to watch the birds on the porch when I drink coffee in the morning or have a Spindrift, Waterloo, or Lacroix at night. When I used to walk my dog sometimes I’d see black foxes near the creek which was equal parts scary and cool.

I’m an outdoor plant. I love being outside all of the time and even don’t mind repetitive tasks such as removing cheatgrass, kochia, henbit, prickly lettuce, purslane, and spotted spurge in my tiny grass patch in the backyard at night. It’s too bad that means that no matter what I do, I’ll get bitten a couple of times by mosquitos, but I still like the task.

Nightingale can’t come over to my house because of my ex-wife’s cats and my dog. She has allergy induced asthma and some other conditions.

Nightingale has lived with other women in her pristine house. I don’t know the timeline–meaning when they moved in. Not only would I not want to do that, but we don’t like the same things day-to-day. Even if I could cohabit, and at this point I absolutely cannot, it would have to be with a likeminded woman.

I love having a purring cat next to me, sitting outside and fussing in a yard, talking a long walk through neighborhoods (which used to include walking my dog 1-3 miles everyday), and taking any excuse to spend more time outside.

I go to a cabin in the mountains today. Nightingale rented it.

I’m looking forward to walking and probably doing a journal in my nature journal today. I can hike on Tuesday and Wednesday too.

I won’t miss my pets really given all the things that they’re requiring now and need a break.

I’ll write on Friday. Nightingale gets her knee replaced that day. I’ll have a lot of information about our dynamic after this week.

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Compersion

When I was married to my ex-wife sometimes we ate dinner and watched tv with her mother and her mother’s boyfriend. I’ve saved a video at my former mother-in-law’s house that makes me happy to watch wherein we were packing up to leave and everyone was making my dog howl while my ex-wife’s dog was running around. I was happy and you can see that on my face.

We also had game nights that we hosted or they would host.

I like those things because they have a purpose that is specific.

They also end in a couple of hours.

My ex-GF said that she initially found me confusing as she met me in a discussion group and I played kickball and bowled. Yes, these things are social. Yes, I am really best 1-1 with people and not into socializing if it’s outside of a specific activity. Yes, I prefer to go home and sleep after being social.

Again, discussions and sports are specific.

They end.

Even family reunions end. My mother had 124 first and second cousins because her father was from a family of 13 kids and her mother was from a family of 6 kids. Family reunions were enormous. Because they were so enormous, you could step away with a cousin and talk, climb trees or throw catalpa seeds through broken windows. (Ha.)

Scorpio and I went to a panel regarding energy problems facing our country on Thursday. Then we had dinner reservations. She talked to me about feeling guilty about the long birthday party. I told her that she shouldn’t, and that when she promised that we’d debrief the whole thing and she wouldn’t automatically break up with me if I was really quiet or socially awkward there, that I was fine with going. That didn’t make her feel any better.

I told her that I need 7-10 hours of sleep at a stretch. I’m not a napper unless I’m sick because they give me headaches. I can’t wear ear plugs because I’m full of wax generally. I just am not a partier. I never have been either. I wasn’t in college.

Scorpio is getting to know me and she accepts me. She wants to be a teammate. I’ve never had someone want that with me.

My ex-husband thought that I was a unicorn. He told me once, “I think that you’re a practical genius.” It was more like finding me odd. We weren’t on the same team.

My ex-wife was mad at me for how much I worked. She would throw my doctorate and years of schooling in my face in and outside of fights that we had. We fought and didn’t resolve anything.

Scorpio simply asked me, “Why do you work so much?”

I told her that I’m a good employee and that everything with the exception of my book, some training, and testing that is minimal my other jobs pay into my pension which will pay out (I told her how much.) monthly until I die. I also really like my work. I have 3-7 years left and then I’m getting a different license altogether and will see clients in my Zoom office that I’ve had since the pandemic or will see in person clients in my best friend’s practice office. I don’t want more than 10 clients either. I’m getting too old for 45-hour workweeks.

I don’t pass judgment on anyone who isn’t a workhorse. I simply am one.

My socializing has discrete beginning, middle and end points.

Yesterday, when I was in the shower, I realized that this birthday party is how I’m doing compersion.

It’s not about me.

It’s about her having a romantic partner there who is watching her have joy and connection.

I know that several of her lovers are at this party too.

I want her to have a good time the entire time that we’re there. And I know she likes that she has me as her touchdown.

Like me, Scorpio has gotten really used to being the only non-married person who’s with her friends. Shit, I was like that the last time that I was ACTUALLY married! My former mother-in-law moved out-of-state when my ex-wife and I had been married about 2-years. My ex-wife didn’t really have a friend group that was substantial. She is much more family oriented.

On the grounds at the party there are hikes, board games in the main lodge, ability to rent kayaks, and mountains in this area. I need to find a way in which to structure my time to have specific activities. I’ll bring two books and my nature journal. It will be weird to not be able to blog, but I have to wait to do that on my solo vacations.

This birthday party will also end. I want to be less scared of being in a vulnerable position. That’s something that I always have to work on as a continuous process.

I'm scared of heights, so I climb. I'm scared of not being in control, so I do things that are somewhat unplanned.
Camping before being on a rope team. Solo activity that I did with a group when I was married last.
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Fifth

My flight took off an hour and a half late, so I wasn’t settled into my hotel until almost 4 in the morning in downtown Chicago. I also forgot to hang the Do Not Disturb tag so I didn’t get to sleep until noon. I was granted a 1:00 pm check out although the Blues Festival was taking place; however, I had the scary banging knock from housekeeping at 9:30. 😦 After hitting Billy’s Bagels, I went to the Dearborn Station Park and ate a Chicago Turkey bagel. It was sooooo good.

I didn’t know until I was in Manhattan at the end of last summer that you have to download prior and should probably also print maps in large cities, because Google can’t give walking directions when there are too many tall buildings around. I went to the library downtown and the clerk printed directions for me for walking to the Art Institute of Chicago.

I was so happy that Frida Kahlo’s Paris show was there. You were able to read her love letters to Nick Muray. I feel a kinship with her. She was critically injured and then plagued by pain, she was clearly polyamorous, and she didn’t want to cohabit. I also love her art and didn’t know that she did a Paris show or why that and her trip to Europe occurred.

I drove to Rockford because I wanted to see the Anderson Japanese Gardens. They’d been featured in a blog entry of a blogger who I follow. I didn’t know that Rockford was so walkable and that the Edgewater subdivision had such diverse architecture. I took a night walk and counted 3 fireflies.

The following morning I walked to the gardens and they were wonderful. I started my many days of relaxation and contemplation.

Then I drove to Kenosha. Lake Michigan is gorgeous. And the only drawback was that smoke is pooling from Canadian wildfires and it was hazy, but I was glad to be there.

The following morning I went to the public museum, donated money because it’s free, and voted for my favorite transparent water colors. The museum hosts a contest of these every year and I was there for the 49th annual contest. They look so realistic and your eyes play tricks on you as you’re convinced that many are photos and not watercolors. I also rode the electric streetcar and learned about their 4th of July festival.

Then it was time for me to drive to Indiana. It started to rain so there was a break in the smoke when I got there. I was staying at the best AirBnB that I’ve ever been in. I also got to see Indiana forest sunsets due to a short smoke break.

The next day I explored Indiana Dunes National Park. I can’t say enough about how beautiful this park is and what a great way it offers to explore Lake Michigan.

I began my stubborn and limitless belief leg of my vacation thereby hiking miles and miles on a knee with severe osteoarthritis, chondromalacia, no cartilage behind the knee cap, and bone marrow edema above the knee. I don’t care either. It was so worth all the pain and swelling.

The full moon rose after the gorgeous sunset.

Those two days were incredible. This park doesn’t seem to get much traffic or because I vacation in early June, I don’t see folks. I was alone on plenty of trails and was able to reflect and just be. I enjoyed exploring the marshlands too and hiking above them as well.

I left that incredible area and accommodation. Wow. That was paradise in that area of Indiana and the room that I had was comfy, quiet, clean and so modern.

Next, I drove to Southwest Michigan. I had a tiny room. But, the Inn was historic and had a private beach.

Both mornings, I took my coffee on the giant porch in a rocking chair looking at Lake Michigan. I didn’t take my phone with me and spent 2-hours outside. I would reverse the ritual at night and one night took the 135 steps down to the beach to watch the sunset. This Inn is just incredible. I met a woman who is also a Professor and she told me that I should come to this Inn in September. She was very worldly, speaks and writes fluently in French, and has been on beaches all over the world, but told me that Lake Michigan is the best one. I kind of agreed with her given some moments.

The next morning I went back to Indiana Dunes National Park and saw the farm there and hiked a bit, but it was far too smoky again so I decided to go back to Chicago.

A quick tip for folks is that there is some free parking available near University Village on street. I ate wonderful deep dish pizza and salad and then walked the river. Chicago is nice. My girlfriend is from the suburbs and wants to show me around someday. I had a great time back there before I flew back home.

Do you travel solo? Why or why not? Where are you going to travel to before you are unable to walk?

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Paths

We had a such a great day together. I met up with Ballet Dancer and her black lab and got to the trail when the sun was high in the sky. It was warm until we got higher and then I was grateful for the LL Bean Thinsulate jacket that my Mom had bought me many years ago. I love it for outdoor activities and it’s a green thing because the material is mostly recycled. My Mom bought me a suit, this jacket and a long wool jacket. She gave great gifts. ❤

My altitude conditioning leaves a bit to be desired. We only snowshoed just under three-miles, but I want to get back up there soon. There’s a really funny story here too. I needed lots of help with my snowshoes. The ratchet clip and the teeth on the straps was confusing. I got them going though. Some packaging was accidentally left on and it’s helpful packaging for when you snowshoe.

Look at the snowshoe on the right. That plastic helped me on the trail! I want another piece.

I thought that my other snowshoe was missing a piece, so I went back to the outdoor store last night and the saleswoman explained in a non-sarcastic and kind way that it was the way that they had to be packaged safely. She didn’t say, “Dipshit, this is packaging, and can be removed.” She was so kind and didn’t even seem to be thinking that. She talked about this process is one in which inventions are made. I told her that she should get stock options and she introduced herself formally to me. Ha. So, I tried to email MSR today and it didn’t go through. I’m going to call them. I want another plastic piece because my other foot got cold. It’s not just packaging. Swear.

We bonded so beautifully yesterday. We went back to where Ballet Dancer had parked after our snowshoe and talked at a brewery. I had a bad moment of getting too hot though and was close to fainting. We were sitting by the fire and I can’t do that for very long obviously. The worst thing for me is a hot tub or hot spring. I just had to tell Ballet Dancer about the time that I fainted by a drain in the bathroom of a mountain resort during my ex-wife’s and my engagement trip. My ex-wife has this thing about drains (terror). Not only that, but I was right by a discarded Band Aid and had a feather stuck to me. It became a thing. ”No, you’re by a drain! There’s a dirty Band Aid! Why is there a feather?” I didn’t faint yesterday, and instead lifted my hair and laid on a leather couch while the nausea subsided. Ballet Dancer asked me if it was a hot flash, and I told her that thankfully, I don’t get those. I have never tolerated heat well though. It raises my blood pressure too much. Thus, no hot tubs for me and no hour by the fire obviously. I have fainted in the shower before too.

The only thing that really sucks is that she had just started talking to me about her life path and belief system when I almost fainted. I wish we’d picked up that thread of conversation again. She could be my daughter. I actually thought that I was pregnant at 22 and was excited, but I either lost it, or was never pregnant. She is drawn to older women, and thankfully, I’m in really good physical shape so I can do outdoor stuff with her. I’m so glad that she took that climbing class where I met her. I love having her in my life and want to learn more about her old soul journey.

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Bridge

I met Rower, Vegan and the Realtor for a walk yesterday after I lifted weights. Rower and I had a giggle about that one. I said that I was lifting so would park elsewhere and walk over to the lot that I put in the calendar notice that I sent. When I saw her, and went over to give her a big hug, she said, “Why didn’t you drive? You took a Lyft?” Hahaha. I told her it was all about the “i” and not the “y.” She’s so great. I’m very lucky to have her in my life. She’s smart and reflective.

There isn’t even a touch of anything between the Realtor and I. It reminds me of some curriculum that you can use with clients who have cognitive or developmental delays–we do the Green Far Away Hug Circle. It helps actually, because then I won’t think about her. She was super interested in how we all met, so we explained it as best as we could. It’s kind of funny, because Rower, Vegan and I are all divorced now. I’m the only one who doesn’t want an escalator again. They’re actually good examples. I don’t have one friend. I have tons of friends, so I would rather see 2-5 women. Expecting someone to be everything for you gets too riddled with expectations and demands and frankly too much uninterrupted time together. Gross. I still want magic.

I was going to go to some lakes today with Ballet Dancer, The access road is closed so we’re going to go to the base of three high peaks and see if that access road is open, and if not, we’re going to go through a mountain pass to another snowshoeing route. I’m finally retiring Motorcycle Woman’s snowshoes. Historically, I’ve only been with women who were taller than me and she was just a hair under 6′. Her snowshoes don’t really work for me; although, I’ve used them 5-6 times. I’m trading them in for store credit at 10 am and then hitting the highway to meet Ballet Dancer. Prior to then, I will buy snowshoes for myself.

My ex wife and I hiked up to a lake right before Christmas of 2018–her snowshoes were overtightened, brand-new, but wouldn’t open, so I took off my snowshoes all together eventually so as to be fair.

It was cool to walk with these four women today. When we got back to the car, having logged over 13,000 steps together, they asked what we’d do next and we’d been toying with a queer women circle. Not a Meet Up; although, that would be possible for things not at my house, but a group. 

We’re going to find a snowshoe route today no matter what!

We put a date on the calendar and I just titled it Homo Potluck. I hope that Libra comes, as she got back together with her ex and moving back to the south in three-months, so it would be a last time to see her. The Realtor is inviting 6 people. I’ll make a salad and a taco bar, and will get two large bottles of Montepulciano de Abruzzo and of course have beer. For the former, I’ll have vegetarian and vegan options. Speaking of which, I’m reading “Open,” which is a memoir and the reflection on being Vegan is revolting. There was a piece of about using animals for your own pleasure and eating their secretions. It made my stomach flip around. Yuck. 

I miss my women. The host had another baby so I won’t see any of them until next month. I’ve gone to the other group twice, but don’t feel as pulled there. Likely some of it is setting because with my other group we sit around a living room and she cooks. It’s just different in a party room at a restaurant. I’ll keep going though, because I love the author and want her to continue being my mentor.

I’m going to walk my dogs, take a good shower and then head downtown for snowshoe work. Then, it’s up to the mountains! I can’t wait to see Ballet Dancer and catch up with her.

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About a week

I went to my friend’s house early last Saturday because she skipped yoga. We embraced for a long time and gave each other a kiss–Italians do that; it’s ok. And then we walked 6-miles catching up. We worked in her garden, made pesto, and drank a beer. We made a GIANT salad and some pasta.

I was shocked about the beer and pasta. She’s been gluten free since the very earliest 2000s. She said that she does fine with it when it’s in little doses. I believe that most of gut health is neurotransmitters and responses to stress hormones.

I can’t tell you how good it is to be reconnected to her again. She really knew my parents as do both of the ___’s that I’m still connected with, and that means something to me. They were so demented and in active decline when I got married that my ex-wife couldn’t really interact with them. They became just odd and sad to be around. My Dad said, “I didn’t sleep last night. I have to go the bathroom.” That’s all he said too. When asked questions, he would confuse pronouns. My friend was so upset and cried when I told her about the end of my parents’ lives. It’s definitely a unique situation.

I had fun on the new routes in the climbing class on Sunday. I’m looking forward to climbing gym time this winter. I need to learn how to plan routes. I’m going to play kickball on a gay league starting on the 22nd or 29th. I also want to add an abs day to my regime. I think that Thursday would be good.

My Boss in one of my assignments is behaving really poorly. She is requiring two nights and a Saturday. I’m not doing those dates and she can make me available to the market if she thinks that I’m supposed to. I am hired by a super large organization and placed in sites to see clients. I emailed my manager and she said, yes, I wouldn’t have nights or Saturday work because it’s outside my contract hours.

I’m beyond cool with my other Boss. I do the majority of my extra contracted obligations at that site, and I always work there 3-4 days a week. The other Boss is acting like she is cracking down on all of us. I don’t think that the nice guy should sleep at work, and I don’t think that the climber should miss weeks of work and also be late all the time. However, also as Susan Scott writes about and says, that doesn’t mean that non-specific feedback to everyone or group punishments will be healthy for the organization. It feels like she is sanctioning all of us. Honestly, now that it’s year 2 with my teammates in my main site, we run it like a well-oiled machine. I did all my documentation yesterday at that site, and wouldn’t need to do any paperwork in my other site. If I have to leave, I’ll leave. The nice guy and the climber have my phone number if they want to see me. I’ve had some of the same friends for 23-years not including my son’s godmother (30) and my best friend from middle school (36).

I finally have a hair appointment today. I feel like a shaggy beast. It will be so nice to have my partial highlights again, too. I am making two quiches tonight or tomorrow morning for brunch with my neighbors. We have to drink the sparkling Rosé that the Realtor gave me too. I really, really need to clean and trim bushes this weekend as well. I have to wash my car too because the climber had to use her inhaler a million times on our commute last week.

I’m going to celebrate my birthday with a couple of women from our bowling team and a speech pathologist who I worked closely with during the pandemic. We’re doing coastal Mexican food on a heated patio. The day before our summit trip, my best friend is taking me to modern Italian in a popular spot. The place has a full bar, so I probably will drink a glass of Zinfandel or Pinot Noir instead of a beer. I usually drink beer. My Boss who is decidedly being normal, and mini-Boss will be there too, which will be nice. I also have the Women’s Discussion Group on Thursday so although I don’t teach twice in person like I did this week, I’m very busy. Sunday will be fun, but I can’t describe to you how tired I will be. Elevation wears you out. That means that really Friday is my down day. I only want to contact a company who will move this piano to my friend’s house. The one who I sing with occasionally. These things help me not think solely about my brother being gone 35-years. I’m lucky.

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It’s sprung

I was kinda leering around the door of the venue last night at 6 when these guys in jerseys said, “Are you trying to go to _______?” I said that I was and they said that they wouldn’t open tonight. I told them that was a pattern now for Mondays. They said that they were going to go to a basketball game instead tonight when they got tickets and that would be the last Monday that would happen. Here we are again! Only this time the nice guy from work had cancelled a few hours earlier, which made complete sense given that he was carjacked on Saturday, and the girls and I had to make a quick plan. We went back to the crappy karaoke venue and ate psuedo Irish food and then went to meat market karaoke. I was starving all day because of the hike and climbing on Sunday.

However, if you’re in a group of four you’re left alone and if you’re in a group of three you’re only slight accosted–we were able to get the guy to finally stop hugging me eventually and especially when my friend said, “Smile?!? Why would I have to smile?” He got kicked completely out anyway around 10. That was the only unwanted attention though, so it was good. I had decided to sing only things that I’d never sung before. I nailed “Umbrella.” “Don’t Stop Believing” was just ok, but one of my friends teaches music, is a musician, and is getting a specific Master’s in music right now; so she explained that it’s better in karaoke to do only vocal forward songs because guitar heavy songs have too many instrumental layers blended and it’s hard to find pitch in the medley. “When Doves Cry” was good too. I like not just singing Pat Benatar 🙂 We bullied the music teacher into singing “It’s all coming back to Me now.” She was amazing. My other friend did “Walking on Broken Glass” again and she always sings that song very well.

I’m getting really close with them both. I could have babysat the music teacher given our age difference, and I think that my other friend is around the climber’s age. I talked to them about polyamory and found out that the music teacher just wants to split bills with someone and likes the idea of polyamory. Neither one of them ever want kids. I can’t wait to start bowling with them next Wednesday! My straight friend in this little friend group obtained our 4th teammate for the league. She’s younger than the music teacher and in the middle of divorce because she feels so bi. I asked my friend why they didn’t just open their marriage and she said that she’s also no longer in love with her husband. Relationships are changing y’all. The music teacher told me that married people have the most STIs and it’s because of cheating. Why cheat? Figure your stuff out or get divorced. If you married mostly for financial reasons, ask your friends for loans for a short-time. Life is really short and it’s best to be honest.

Sooooo… Yesterday Vegan texted. I didn’t think that would happen again tbh. It was somewhat awkward at snowshoeing. She was talking with the two organizers about not getting comments on her jacket and I said, “Do you need someone to tell you that you’re cute, __ ______?” She blushed and one of the organizers explained about this amazing skier and his clothing brand and that they were both hoping that someone would know that her jacket was his and was retro. I like to tease and stuff, so I didn’t apologize. However, we’re going to climb on the outdoor sport wall next Thursday. Now, one of us just needs to improve and take some more safety stuff to learn to safely fix a top rope and then they’re at least two places that we can go outside. I don’t want to get a gym membership. They’re nearly $100 a month. We can climb. Plus, she walks faster than me–she’s two or so inches taller and in very good physical shape although she’s two-years-older–and we can do some summit hiking as well. I’m so excited. It’s as good as an aromantic man. I have no physical chemistry with her and she’s a good person. She’s super athletic too. I’m stronger and she is faster and more lithe. Good combination!

I think that I’ll proofread this entry, add a picture with a loose metaphor and walk my dogs. I have a Zoom for the work on the house at 9:15. Then because I climbed and didn’t lift on Sunday, I’ll go to the gym. I should bike there. Why use my car today?

Image by Luisella Planeta LOVE PEACE 💛💙 from Pixabay
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Unicorns

I had nightmares on Saturday night and last night, which often means that I have to look at my associations with objects in the dreams. As I started doing just that this morning I started thinking about a guy who’s aromantic and asexual for both a hiking and climbing partner. There was a really nice girl who was a former ballet dancer in our climbing group yesterday. She was probably between 22-24 and I thought that she would be such a good connection for my son. I think that means that she is Gen Z like my son, too. She said that she’d climb with me and brought that up, but I don’t want to chase that. She’s really good given both her age and now I just know that if you’re a dancer, you’re typically really adept at climbing.

Is it possible for me to meet a guy who is only interested in me as an outdoor companion? My best friend from middle school has tried to kiss me at least twice–once when I was 13 and once when I was 34–and it’s always alarming. With all the emphasis on how one identifies, I was thinking that a guy who’s asexual or aromantic would be ideal. It’s definitely a me problem and I could be accused of unicorn hunting, but yesterday I had so much fun climbing in that group that it made me long for when I was in my mid-thirties and had a climbing partner who was 7-9 years younger than me. His family was really religious though so when he got married we pretty much fell away. He has a couple of kids now too. Having some older lesbian hiking partner just looks weird in some circles.

I’m at a point where women my age have often become very overweight, or simply just do a single cardio activity once a week. They can’t really hike at elevation with me. Also, I don’t know any of my female friends whom have an appeal or draw to climbing. I feel as if I’m at an impasse with pools of possible outdoor companions. I really hope to connect with men soon and will put that out when I’m meeting new people. I want a guy who isn’t interested in me romantically at all to hike and climb with this spring and summer.

Image by Peter Hilmer from Pixabay

I know that this picture (above) is sandstone, but instead imagine granite. The stuff going up on the sides is not my bag. I struggle so much at present switching my feet and the exposure factors. It’s maddening when you’re moving your feet and running one of your hands along rock above you looking for your next area to put your hand as you step up. I’m reminded of Alex Honnold saying and writing “trust right foot.” I know that it will get better though. I’ve been on real rock three times only! Look at the left side with those chimneys. I love, love, love climbing in those and feel not a concern with heights when I’m surrounded in a chimney. I just go up quickly and keep stepping. I’m going to research chimney areas in the canyons around here! First off, I need to find my unicorn.

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Fill Line

Whew!

I have weight machines today, but first have to drink coffee and walk my dogs. I also need to pop over to the crunch and go chiropractor because my left hip is really janky and throwing me off.

I am over the social limit. I had fun at guitar, but two teachers were talking to me during instruction, so I’ve had to practice more at home because I didn’t learn the song as well as I usually do. Bowling was fun. I was super mid averaging 115. Then Thursday we had our neighbors over for dinner and wine until 9. Friday I went to my best friend’s house and had to meet two new women. I sang like crazy, and didn’t play much. My best friend is a professional musician, so I get really shy when it’s her and others around. I could play just for her! I did sing a lot and sounded good.

Yesterday two previous colleagues and I got together for Korean BBQ and Cass. I don’t even like lagers, but it was so cool and crisp–yum!

Then I had a two-hour pit stop at home and my son learned the bass line for “Jumper” and brought his tiny amp that my ex sister-in-law had bought him for Christmas upstairs. It’s really fun to play. I want to sing it a little differently, so I need to memorize it.

Then we went to the cowboy bar with two different previous colleagues and my current colleague who almost died and our workmate. The latter two and I do the same job. I really need to learn to dance. I have no confidence anymore. I was wishing that Derrick was there. He would be patient with me, and he smells good, and is tall and gentle. I hit a wall at 11:30 and insisted that my colleague didn’t Uber and took her home. I had two big beers at 2-hour dinner, so I didn’t drink at the cowboy bar. I had a dissociative state and slept until nearly 9. I am over the fill line for being social.

Image by yosoo ha from Pixabay

This week is just as social. I have weights today, cardio with my son tomorrow, guitar class, bowling and then bowling with much of our whole staff from my main site. I’m so glad that I have Friday off of work! The weekend is cold, so I’m going to solo hike with the dogs on Friday when my son leaves for school. My goal is to practice guitar everyday and hike on the days that it isn’t snowing starting the 27th. I climb on Saturday the 25th.

I’m going to ask the climber out tomorrow afternoon. I was wanting to go to the Japanese gardens and eat, but the restaurant has permanently closed. COVID has really changed our landscape in the city. I am going to see if she’ll go north and west of town to sushi and then we can walk the neighborhood to some parks. I know that she wants to climb again soon too, and only the middle joint of my pinky is still swollen. I would like to have dinner with her on April 6th.

She introduced me to a term that I didn’t know on our ride home solo last week. It’s a phrase called, “attachment system.” I certainly knew about Ainsworth’s work with the strange situation and parent-child attachment and possible impacts on adolescent development, but thinking about anything related to one’s schema of attachment in relationships later was new to me. I printed the article that I read, and will give her the copy tomorrow. I learned about consensual non-monogamy in it in addition to attachment systems that she explained a bit. I hope that she likes the article and talks to me about her insights. Maybe over dinner in a month or so!

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Afternoon commute

Sunday night the nice guy said that he is going to ride in solo for a day or two, so I texted the climber about our commute. The nice guy’s gf is very sick with COVID; although he is testing negative. So, it would be three of us–including my son–in, and she and I only on the way home. Yay. I got my son settled in the backseat of the car with the exception of his missing medication. I also forgot my coffee cup because I didn’t pack it in my lunch pail. If those are the worst things that happened given the time change, I’ll take it. I knocked on the dark door of her huge house and she came out very shortly. My son was nice and quiet in the backseat with the exception of making conversation about a topic that she knows a lot about, so it was a cool commute in given that I had snowshoed this weekend and she had climbed a frozen waterfall and rare formation. We had tons of outdoor conversation. She was really touched by the coffee that I made her and the milk, but didn’t use the cane sugar.

I had cooked breakfast for our whole staff and she has a mug of mine that she’s been using since then, so I went to borrow it and she said, “No, I’m going to take care of this because it has water in it.” Then she came into my office and laid against my back while I was scoring a test event. I told her that she is distracting. Pretty ballsy too as the nice guy was outside the door just feet away; although he can’t see into my office and could only hear us. I spent 10-minutes in her office at the end of lunch. She’s really easy for me to talk to and feel connected.

I told her that people have specific reactions to me just wanting to be and be open to whatever in terms of connections. I told her that people believe that I’m in a phase. She said, “Who cares if it is a phase and it ends?” I told her it’s really not given that with my marriages and the time that I was with both of them that it added up to 21-years of monogamy. Then I had exclusiveness with at least four other women now that I think about it. (I just realized that now that I’m writing.) The day to day stuff just doesn’t work for me personally, so I know that it’s not phase-oriented. I just want moments. I found out also that the climber had wanted kids and that she would still likely be married if he’d been able to have them, and that made me sad and made me understand her big, bustling household of 5 other folks who cook and host dances together. That’s her family and it’s very cool.

When we got to her house I asked her if I could have a hug. Then we wound up holding each other really close. Her breathing was a little jagged and she said, “I don’t want to get out of your car.” I told her that she didn’t have to and kissed her cheek and she held me tighter. We wound up kissing for awhile. It was so incredibly nice. Before she was getting out, she bit the front of my left bicep. I told her that we need to get together and she agreed. I’m going to see if I can get dinner with her in the next three weeks, and she wants to go climbing with me. My skin on my pinky is scaly and weird. I think it’s trying to do everything to heal up. I’ll use the dreaded simulated ice tools again on March 25th and will see how holding it with a three-fingered grip works.

She is such a complex person. I’m just starting to get to where I can ask her personal questions. I wouldn’t say that’s she’s guarded, but she doesn’t give lots of information unsolicited. She has definitely moved me on a body and mind level. I look forward to more time with her.

Image by tookapic from Pixabay
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Engagement

I gave her a playlist on a CD, and a pink journal to write her dreams in and also things for our wedding.  I had taken what I remember from seeing her through my friend’s FB and then finally meeting her in July of 2012 for the words, and then songs that I listened to during the torturous part of 2013 before we finally got our timing together.  Before we left, we made love, and were able to reflect on the holiday season and the time that we had with her sister who surprised the family with a visit.  We had an incredible time with her listening to hair rock and playing Super Nintendo’s Super Mario World.  It was a retro fest of love.

Her sister drove home on Friday–which takes about 11-12 hours, and afterward we cleaned out our pantry after I had brought my dog back from the dog park.  We had to drive back to her kick-ass apartment and pack it.  Her mother and her mother’s boyfriend are in GA and left their SUV, so we were able to basically get everything down to our house.  I don’t think that there is much left, and we hung some shelving and got things into the pantry.  It was a really busy day before we left to get engaged.

We drove two-and-a-half hours, and then soaked in springs until night fall.  The first night was cloudy, but it was very nice.  The stars were phenomenal the second night.  We took a small hike today.  I love her.  I love being engaged.  I love starting my life on stable ground.

View from the trailhead

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Truly new

My ex finally removed me (and for the fourth time) off of FB.  She also took off my cousin and my close friends.  I may at some point take off the three women from the bday trip that we took last fall, but it’s nice to know that she won’t look at anything related to me.  She didn’t block me this time around, but maybe she can leave it alone.  I hope that she does understand that you can’t treat anyone like complete shit and say horrible things to her and expect that you’ll be friends.  I have no interest in a big shot who thinks that she is better than everyone and really seems to have an entourage of minions.

So, I’m starting something new and it’s going slowly.  We cuddled in church–my son was in Sunday school–and then my son sat between us when he came out during prayers.  They are teaching him The Lord’s Prayer.  He had a workbook when he came out that my artist looked through.  She is so great with boys and has a way of listening to children that is enviable.  She’s kind and gentle in addition to being so striking.  She almost made me turn red saying something a little dirty to me, and then I was struck that she would make reference to something kinky in church.  I am going to have to get my brain around a lot of things before I make love to her.  She’s genuinely intimidating.

I don’t know when I’ll see her.  I don’t even want to go out of town to climb mountains this weekend for my birthday, because it has really gotten cold.  If I don’t have an audience in my office today, I’ll call the B & B over the lunch hour and ask how much snow they got.  I’d rather see my artist a couple of times, and write and clean.

That’s what I think happened.  I think that I got on top of some of the highest points in North America starting in July, and then I put out my intentions into the mountain air.  I also think that since February of 2012, when I kept saying that I wanted a kind and gentle girlfriend, that began what I would seek.  Should I read through previous entries, I know that there are other things that I put “out into the universe” as they say.  Now, I am scared and should have a friend say to me, “Be careful what you wish for.”

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Did I ever

It’s difficult to put into words; although, the words shall unfold as I write.  I went over with skewers of halibut buttressed between purple onions, zucchini, summer squash, and asparagus spears, and grilled caramelized apples with pineapple on the sweet skewers.  Then, of course, I made my salad.  She was simply thrilled with the food.  We talked easily and about everything, and then she looked over at me with her huge hazel eyes and said, “We have time, and when I’m with you, I want the time to slow and I just want you to know everything.  But, we really have all the time in the world.”  But, then the bomb in my soul dropped through when she said, “Two big things.  First, you know that I’m bi, right?”  I told her that until Saturday, I didn’t and that I would have been talking to her in an entirely different way had I known, and she threw back her head and laughed hard from her tummy.  I couldn’t have a table corner between us anymore.

She gave me the tour of her half of the converted school house that she lives in and I felt my body come alive on the deck.  So, we sat there in this ridiculous rain as she told me more of her story and we noticed the lines between the sides of the old school house, and she told me about the renovations.  I felt like being outside there with her was a gift, and we talked easily and openly about everything.  There was a simply huge sumac tree in front of our view separating the sides of the home–one side had industrial siding and the other was softer dark blue stucco, while much of our surroundings was natural.  We admired and looked at the end of her garden on one of the final days of summer, and took in the other trees in the background while we talked and I stroked her legs that she had laid across my lap.  We talked for an hour out there and then when she was completely vulnerable, I told her that I wanted so badly to just hold her, and not in a lawn chair.

We went into the largest room in the house and cuddled on the couch in front of the fire.  That is when awhile later she asked if I was going to kiss her.  My lips fit under hers and we have magical kissing.  After some heavy kissing wherein I kissed and bit her neck, and lay my mouth in the notch at the base of her throat, she laughed again and said, “We have sooooo much fun ahead of us.”  And we do.

I really did wait for her.  I know that we can start small and be mindful, but she is more than my girlfriend.  I waited and have found my one.

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Women

It has been a long, long time.  I’ve gone slightly longer one time, and hope not to go again.  I’ve had these moments seeing calves, the backs of arms, the swell of the top of an ass in a skirt, or the nape of the neck wherein I am barely able to not run my finger tips across the skin.  Because it is not connected to a particular person, but is what happens visually when some women walk by, it’s a bit objectifying.  I really love everything about women’s bodies.

Our site coordinator on my Wednesday gig is a guy.  He is brilliant and hilarious.  I had a pretty good day, but can’t wait to be able to do things as a team, because both of the other women on it who are still there from last year are completely cool and talented.  We have an intern as well, but I don’t know her well yet.

Last night, the girl who I had a two-day completely emotional affair with emailed me.  I’m more inclined to develop a purely professional relationship with her and see if she can get hired where I work as she is a mental health provider too, and where she works doesn’t pay shit and requires waaaay more hours.  Last night she said that she sent me a non-professional and light email.  The only thing is that it had sexual content.  Not from her, but from what one of the really talented male musicians was pretending to do to her.  Gay males I know are shameless.  Not shocking.  Then I do note that I have  response, which I thinly veil as saying that I just need to date a reasonable girl or that I wish I could just stomach sleeping with Peter Pan.

I can’t.  I was never attracted to her.  She would, but most of me wants to just hold out for something good.  I am going to grab a couple of beverages tonight, because I have a driver.  My former intern and my workout partner are coming over tonight and wanted to make me dinner.  I want to get back to my house by 10:30, so I’m refusing to let them cook.  One time we ate at nine when they did.

I’m climbing with my intern from two years ago tomorrow morning.  Then I’m taking my cycling partner out for her birthday, which was actually at the beginning of the month.  I have to be at church for a long time on Sunday, and then I can clean, weed, and write.  I want to ensure that I have a dinner companion on Sunday, and if I don’t, I have been thinking lately about kicking around the bookstore near downtown by one of the high schools.  I know that I need to be more visible.  You hardly are when you’re on a trail ascending a peak.

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Not a shadow me

  1. I had a very odd dream last night. I had to go to the dermatologist, mainly because I had to use a restroom, and when I came into the office the girl (Derm) was intensely looking at me. You know that eye contact thing that means, “Hey, you are hot or otherwise intriguing.” My son had dropped some book pages in the gutter, so I was rounding them up, and then I found a way to rebind them and order the missing pages. So, I brought them into the doctor’s office so I could chat with her. She was not my type, but as my intern who had dinner at my house rather accurately said, “Some attention is good attention.” It is.

She put the newly made books on her shelf in the waiting room. She told me that she also had a DC license for chiropractic. I liked that she was smart. I think she was Peter Pan.

What if Peter Pan had been a doctor? I think that it would have helped. I don’t like being lied to about anything, and I really found it distasteful that she just let a lie run until way after she had slept with me a bunch of times. In general too, regardless of anything, when there is no magic and spark in a kiss, it doesn’t float my boat.

Scrubs reappeared. I guess we’ll ride bikes on Friday. I asked my intern if I should just do her. I don’t really want to though, and with over seven-months under my belt, no sex is well-practiced (sadly). She honestly has huge teeth and no upper lip. I think that it would be unpleasant to kiss her.

One of the women from the outing on Sunday and I have texted a little. We are in very different places in life. She is a couple of weeks younger than Scrubs, but the latter has a little kid like I do. This woman has a raised kid, a 14-year-old, and an 18-year-old and said that she is looking forward to having both of her kids out. We are just in too different places. Also, she mostly talks about sports and outdoor adventures. I’m a little arty and love music. I also used to read all of the time (pre-dissertation) and I love to write. So, I don’t really want a jock. I like other stuff too much. I also think that she is clearly in a different life space than I am.

Taking the boys hiking today to a real fire lookout. They should be stoked. I have to stop writing now and make a quiche. (I don’t buy piecrust.) I have exactly 6-days of my vacation left, but this year will be way less working. Years seem to go by fast right now. I don’t want to engage in things that make my time spent less valuable. I plan on a good hike and connected evening.

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Gearing up

I’ve been climbing mountains with my time.  Now, I have to write all day and don’t know if I can join my workout partner at a fitness festival tomorrow morning, because my son has been really tired.  I don’t think that I should get him up around sunrise on a Saturday.  I can watch them, but seven-year-olds really need their sleep.

Because I have wanted to feel connected to nature, I have seen a few sunrises far from home in the last three weeks.  Additionally, I walked around the peaks of two new mountains for me, and one of which is the highest point in our state.  Also, I went back up to peaks that I had previously climbed which are adjacent.  I had done one first in 2009, and then repeated it with both of the peaks being summited in 2010, so it was cool to go back up with one of the newer friends who I have.  You really bond on a climb, and we did.  Here is how my views have been as of late:

Taking a picture doesn't really do this kind of scenery justice

Taking a picture doesn’t really do this kind of scenery justice

I am going to meet 11 new girls on Sunday.  When I was first out of my str8 marriage, I hiked with my son with some of those groups and then last summer I played kickball.  I didn’t meet anyone of lasting interest and the latter caused my to blow my right quad, which I still have some issues with when I climb or walk long distances.  (I just couldn’t NOT kick the hardest pitches from a frat boy type of asshole, so I paid.)  However, I am hopeful that this group will yield some new people to hang out with for my last few days of vacation and into my fall.

My workout partner met one of my guy friends last week.  We had a lil’ BBQ and drinks on my back patio.  She is going out on a date with him tonight.  I am also orchestrating at least one, if not two, other meet and greets with guys who I know over the next several weeks.  She had a shitty experience with a guy from our gym–he is super hot, but is a drunk–and then a very scary thing happen early in the summer with one of our colleagues.  I guess some of these meetings; although, she asked to meet my guy friends, are like big sister protection.

My ex called me early last week, and it was very odd.  She said that she wanted to know how my summer was going and then she told me about a prank that she played on her friends.  I would never do something that could potentially scare someone as a joke.  I crack them all the time, but they are never at someone’s expense unless I really have that dynamic with someone who also teases me.  I also don’t make scenes, because I don’t like directed attention unless I am speaking for my profession, but then there is that “professional distance.”  I had been introduced to my ex via an old colleague who knew my ex’s best friend.  I talked to her on the phone yesterday and I said, “I guess she wants to be my friend.”  She said quickly, “______ , she doesn’t want to be your friend.  She is obsessed with the way that things were left and that there is someone in this world who does not have a favorable impression of her.”

That was interesting.  How can you think that if you are literally constantly giving negative feedback to your girlfriend or making slights and underhanded comments to her that you will leave it well?  Are you kidding?  When I was talking to my colleague, I told her that there was nothing that I could do well either, and she would always tell me how she was good at the same things or the best at them.  Now, I do get that her athletic abilities will always surpass mine, but I don’t care.  I don’t compete against anyone, and simply want to fit my sense of things, and I don’t have standards that require me to take chances.  I have turned around without making a summit four times in five-years, and walked around several obstacles at both of my adventure races.  I don’t have a sense of myself which requires me to prove anything.  I also don’t control anyone.  I don’t have that need.

Impressions that you give others result from your interactions.  With distance, I get that had I stayed with my ex that all my behaviors would have been attempted to be controlled and that if I did something, she would have to do it better.  In fact, there were things that she simply wouldn’t try, because she didn’t do them perfectly.  Last year my birthday trip required about a mile-and-a-half of steep hiking.  I climb up four to ten times that amount of distance and at much more pronounced levels of elevation gain as a hobby, so it felt like nothing even with camping gear.  One of her friends said, “Wow, ______ , you are just bombing up there.”  It was only until recently that I realized that is probably why she flatly refused to hike with me, and that is because it’s something that I do more, so I can do it.  Wow.

She can call me.  I’ll probably answer her calls if I’m not doing anything.  I won’t call her.  I won’t interact with her by choice either.  I made my peace with thanking her for the four things that she imparted to me.  I will not romanticize what is only a good show that lasted three-months and then the year-long fallout, which resulted as I actually began to know who she was and how she shows up in the world.

I can be persnickety.  I am not overly friendly with new people; although, I am helpful.  Even as an extrovert, I watch and observe before I make decisions.  I also like things that I do a certain way–especially food.  There have been times in my life that I have been attracted to toxic people.  They will join with you when you are feeling badly, but now I want to seek out positive interactions.  I don’t want to be around any poison.  I am looking forward to meeting some positive girls tomorrow and connecting to new people in a slow, organic way.  I’m done with extremity and fervor.

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Contemplation

It’s good.  It took nearly seven-months, but I am really over my ex and don’t want to seek out anything at all.  My workout partner asked if she knows that my sermon is tomorrow.  I said, “I think so.”  I would be really shocked if she came.  It’s too vulnerable for her to do so, and I’m sure that she knows that many of my good friends will be there.  It’s also not on her terms or is it something that she can control.  She started our relationship with a power differential based on a phrase in an email that wasn’t there.  So, she would make mean or simply teasingly sarcastic comments about it and who it made me out to be, so when I finally fell out of love with her, that kind of stuff was all that remained.

We had a handful of fun and funny moments and that was it.  She doesn’t even make me laugh when we do talk now, and things that I have written about her or even to her involved an energy shift that made it so I could detail why we just didn’t work and don’t show up the same in this world.  I don’t want to control or criticize anyone, and I don’t care who does something better than me.  Talents and strengths are as individual as anything else that make up a human.

I have gone over my sermon about five-times.  Tomorrow morning, I need to sit with the guy who does all the visuals for the service so I can underline my cues in my script that I wrote.  I don’t want to have a missed cue for him.  I added a picture of my brother to the slides yesterday, so I already feel badly about changing that.  It’s one that should be there though, because he is standing alone on a porch and looks contemplative.

The only thing that I’d really like to ensure before Boot Camp today is to have what I’m going to say after the pop song is sung is completely memorized.  I don’t want to have my notes around for that.  I’d rather just take them up when I start my message.  It’s not much information and I added some stuff that is more mindful than it is religious to mine.  I will just get that committed to memory, so I can look at the congregation while I say it.  I think that I don’t really look too much at my notes anyway while I’m speaking, so it shouldn’t be a problem.

A friend of mine from church who is transgendered and I met at a park n ride in the foothills before sunrise on Wednesday morning.  It was obvious when we got close to the trailhead that we 1) travel well together, and 2) are probably going to be friends.  We couldn’t find the road to get to the trail.  I think that it turned out that we didn’t drive far enough west initially, but she knew the roads fairly well there, so we started bumping around forrest roads until we ran into a locked gate.  We got out and hiked the forrest road and shortly thereafter found a tree over the road.  That explained the gate.

After a few miles, we found the section of the trail system, which connects the mountain ranges in our state with over 500-miles of trails.  Someday it would be neat to backpack and camp sections of it with my son.  I’d like that.  It was good to be on trail, but it was steep.  Finally after some huge grade scaling, we saw a sign that said the mountain name on it with the height and pointed a directional arrow.  We embraced.  We wound up summiting three times total, because we hiked the south ridge line and some loose scree drove me nuts and caused me to cancel my rock climbing lesson.  I just think that I’m less of a climber, because I’m not an extreme person.  The summit was beautiful.  My friend is a professional photographer, so she posted incredible pictures.

That’s where I am.  I get there, but I don’t often follow the trail and there are times in which I simply can’t find it.  It doesn’t matter, because it’s those bumps that really involve the learning and confidence-building for me.

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Hang Time

We had an extremely busy weekend.  I did my last Boot Camp with my boss and also my workout partner before our crazy, dangerous obstacle half, and then went straightaway to a bday party for a girl in my son’s Hip Hop class, after that was pictures for recital and then we headed home.  My basement had flooded the night before so I cleaned it up, and then when I showered (Good Lord, did I need it.), I flooded it again.  I hope that it’s just the main sewer line that needs to be jetted.  I don’t have nine-grand laying around for a new sewer line.  Please!

Today after church I cooked a little and then packed it up and took it to a very busy park.  We picnicked, played frisbee, took two walks with our pup, and a hot mother played with my son and showed him how to throw and catch a football.  Str8 or not, she was really fun to talk to and had a great ass.  My friend who met us said, “Sad to see you go, but very fun to watch you walk away.”  Hahahaha!  It was cool, because my son was super snotty and moody and she heard him, and then said, “Sometimes I wonder why the alpha male woke up in the morning?”  I laughed and told her thanks and then when I came back, she had her son, who was probably five-years older than mine, ask him to play.  She and her brother-in-law played catch with him and taught him stuff.  I gave her a couple of cans of the craft beer that we were drinking.  She was appreciative, but perhaps not as appreciative as I was given that she played with my son a bit, and I could talk to my friend.  It’s so funny because the sermon today was on generosity and noticing it in others.  I noticed it.  She was a very compassionate and caring Mom.  Hot was just a bonus.

I’m pretty damn happy.  My friend had to move in because her girl and she are not quite ready to take the shack up plunge.  I think that I want to clean out my office and get another roommate.  When I have to start paying off this doc, I don’t want to have much debt.  With us making less every year at work, and health insurance for my son and I tripling, my debt sucks.  And when I do my post-doc, I’ll have to make nothing.  So, I think that I want to live with peeps for awhile.  It would be good for me, and perhaps for my son.  I’m going to put out the good roomie finder juju.  Just hanging out and doing things that float my boat.

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Delusions of the Exes

I think that I casually mentioned that Shane had written the same day or day after I had to sit in a presentation with my coming-out affair.  It’s so odd to have a coming out affair when you were 33, but my hs and college gfs were covert.  Anyway, the delusional one is not my coming-out affair. I gave her a simple hug and had a professional conversation.

Shane is super delusional though.  She wrote a disjointed letter that my son barely listened to and sent a complicated star device and a toy plane.  My son is 7.  He cannot interpret the stars and the wheels would take my perceptually-challenged self hours to interpret, so it’s just buried somewhere.  He has not played with transportation devices in three-years.  She is like one of those unfortunate distant relatives who we all have who still think that we are suspended in toddlerhood or something.  The saddest part of that is that she thinks that they have this relationship.  If she wants one, she would have to call him once a month, as he changes quickly.  Sad, really.  I do wish her the best, and wrote her a thank you email that day.

So, unfortunately, when you have kids and you spend over a year with someone, you and your kids interact.  Hell, Bette and I even did blended weekends for awhile, but I promptly stopped those early in 2012.  I still miss her son.  He is a gem.  She’s super lucky that he won’t remember me at all.  My son has been asking to talk to her for a couple of months, but like most seven-year-olds, he loses interest and lacks follow-through.  Well, not last night.  He was adamant about talking to her.  Of course he did have to leave her a message.  She left him a voice recording the following morning, which was today.  I played it for him and he asked to call her back.  He took my landline in my bedroom, his dog, and left.  I unloaded the dishwasher.  He came out shortly later.  Then I got two texts.  One was thanking me.  The other was apologizing if I took offense at one of her comments.  I said, “I have no idea what you’re referring to.  He sequestered himself in a bedroom with the dog.”

She talked about him at length.  I responded.  She honestly is a pretty good mother.  I think she’s harsh as all get out and I don’t want to be her friend, but she is honestly one of those people who has a soft spot in her heart for kids.  She asked to take him for a burger this weekend, but I explained that he has rehearsals Friday and Saturday, but that she could see him anytime that she wanted to.  I sent her two recent photos of him, and one had my intern in it.  She thought it was my gf, and I said that she is a 29-year-old str8 intern, but that I had a good gay story, so I left it on a voice recording.  I’ll reproduce it in brief here, because it’s funny.

I’ve been cross training since November with my workout partner.  She knows my son well though, because she is working with him as she is a Speech Pathologist.  My son reads too well to qualify for speech, but he has a lateral lisp.  This information is bg, and not the story.

Here is the story, and why I was with this particular girl, who I’ve been cross-training with this school year.  We were walking our dog after lifting weights and eating dinner.  She was talking to my son about his gf.  My son is super tall and actually very good looking.  A 5th grade girl called this house this year and left a VM and completely freaked me out, but again that is just more context.  Anyway, he likes this girl in his class who happens to be Black.  My workout partner said, “Do you like Black Girls?”  He answered, “Oh, yes.”  She said, “I like Black guys.”  My son said, “We are the same.  But, we are straight.”  There was a long pause and my son said, “You’re the gay one, Mom.”

It was funny.  My son is a bit of a nut.  That was a good exchange, was not overly personal, but was not an invitation into my personal life, but was about my son.  So, I thought that would be good, but she texted again a very stupid joke.  I let it go with no response, so 5-hours later she left me a long voice recording with race tips, and offers to send photos about her race.

Jeez.  I finished my 5-mile, and had fun.  I can finish my crazy half.  I don’t need advice.  Having a friendship with someone who doles out advice and tips is not a friendship.  Honestly, it reminds me of a stereotypical man who must be the best (Most of her tips were based on the race and her training that she had just completed, and how they could help me.) and be the one to help and fix.  Ani says it best, “I’m not a kitten stuck up in a tree, and I don’t need to be rescued.”  Also, when will she get that I didn’t ask?  I don’t need her for a friend or anything else.  I don’t appreciate unsolicited advice either.  If she wants to see my son, she’s more than welcome to take him snowboarding or out to eat or whatever.  I don’t need her.  She has strange ideas about relationships with exes in general.

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Game Day

So, it’s nearly here.  My five-mile.  Given that I had done my B weights late at night last night, I was sleeping soundly when I got a wrong number at 12:30.  Arg!  Maybe it was divine intervention, but it still made me mad as I was sleeping so well.  I’m groggy right now, and pounding coffee having dropped off my son at school.

Gonna run our dog a little.  She is very hard to run because she is a boxer mix and does a lot of weird furtive movements.  Right now because I’m in a tank and running shorts, she jumps sideways and wags her whole booty when I get up to get coffee and the like.  I was told that she is also German Shepherd–she is very beautiful–but whatever her other half is, makes her FAST.  It is hard to run her.  She outruns all the dogs even at a packed dog park.

It’s cold.  I like it.  I didn’t like biking to the reservoir with my new cycling partner yesterday given the headwinds.  The 21-miles was agony.  Like always though, I’m glad that I do that stuff.  This weather is great for running.  I hope that I feel that way after my 5-mile Saturday!  I was dreaming about my cycling partner when I got the two wrong number calls after midnight.  That doesn’t matter much because she is a str8 girl, and I love her bf.  I just think that I’m ready to sleep with someone, but I won’t do it because I don’t want more of the same.  Sex complicates everything and I want to enter into dating mindfully the next time through and don’t care when the next time through is.  I kinda want to see my psychologist.  I should see if she has had any cancellations today.

I got the most disingenuous text from lonely girl on Wednesday.  I wanted her to bring her daughter to an activity that is unique at my current clinical site.  I’ll be taking girls back there who are clients next week, so I wanted a dry run of the equipment.  The artist is really fun to hang out with as well.  It was cool because the kids got to make art, but it turned out only to be my son.  No biggie.  He loved it.

Lonely girl wanted to reschedule for Thursday, as she didn’t have her daughter much this week.  When I said that joint custody must be lonely–given that I miss my son by Saturday night on my non-weekends–as I’m used to full custody, she promptly followed-up with why that is not true and how her life has perfect balance.  I found it so lacking in normal vulnerability.  When I told my cycling partner about it yesterday, she said, “Maybe she just wants to be perfect.”  I let my workout partner read it and she laughed hard and said, “Wow!  That’s arrogant!”  She continued to laugh and I probed her a bit, and she said, “Really?  That makes it sound like she wants for NOTHING in her life.”  I said that is probably not accurate, because only last month she was asking me questions about how you meet girls. But, then she said, “I think that she is selling herself as perfect and that her life is one that we all should aspire to because she has EVERYTHING that she needs–enough friends, enough workout time, just everything and doesn’t need anyone.”  Either way, I didn’t like the candor.  I’m not going to make any plans with her unless she sets something up.  There is imbalance about her, and she seems really weird.

I’m hoping to have some new adventures to blog here at some point, but whenever that shall be, will be.  I have a new blog that I’m keeping up with well, and I use my identity as it details some aspects of my clinical work.  I like to write there too, but look forward to someday having some sexy stuff again.  Right now is not the time.  Time to run our dog.  I’m grateful for friends, cool weather, a workable schedule, and our house.  It’s not that I want for nothing and that I think I’m perfect.  I’m simply really good where I am, and trust my journey.  I hope that all who make my day by interacting with me here, enjoy their weekends.

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Hmm

I had a wonderful day yesterday, so now I’m reflecting on it.  Now, I’m looking forward to my hump day, which would have started out with a 30-mile bike ride, but it seems really cloudy and like it could continue to rain.  I don’t like slipping around inclines on trails on my very light road bike.  I don’t think that it actually rained much at my house, but there are huge gray clouds, so my new cycling partner and I are going to do an afternoon ride tomorrow.   I did my Day A yesterday, and it combined with humidity and heavy clouds promoted the best sleep that I’ve had in weeks.  However, I had a really somewhat unsettling dream.

I was in my black cocktail dress that is fitted at the waist, and I am not sure why I was because I had a slew of adolescents in a day treatment program with whom I was working.  Lonely girl was there and working with them as well, because she was giving information on psychopharmacology.  It should be noted that I would never be in a slinky black dress if I was working with adolescents or if I was at work, but I was.  She was talking to me, and then when I was talking to a group of boys, I turned around and she started touching my back, and then started tending to a blemish that I apparently had on my low back.  This dress is not backless, but it was in the dream.

Later after the clients were in her huge backyard in a group, she and I were drawing on a white board and talking about ethnicity, and I told her what everyone who just meets me and is somewhat gauche says, and that’s “What are you?”  I get a range.  I think that I look Italian, but I get Greek, Asian, and sometimes get asked if I’m Latina, which is more confusing since I do speak some Spanish.  She laughed.  We talked more and I sat on her back porch.  She sat down and put her legs around the back of my right arm and moved herself against me.  Then she pulled me to her with her legs, and wound up having her lower body completely pressed against my upper arm and her knees were against my stomach and back.  I could feel her heat.  At that point, I was really turned on and she asked if I liked her.  I said, “Well, I certainly find you attractive, but we have a house full of kids.  I’ll have to come back tonight.”

Wow.  I think that all the manifest content of that is that I really do miss sex in general.  It’s been a couple weeks shy of six-months.  I told my workout partner last night that I know that I let my ex say abusive shit to me for as long as I did because she met companionship needs and that I knew that when I stopped seeing her (completely) that I would have a dry spell.

This particular round of celibacy is somewhat self-inflicted because it’s rare for me to be attracted to someone.  I was not attracted to Peter Pan, but thought that she was sweet and earnest and it was really flattering to have someone so into you when your ex was doing more push and pull, and you hadn’t had sex with her in three months.  That was last summer though.  I am not attracted to lonely girl.  And she only texts very rarely.  She has a nice smile, gorgeous dimples, and I like her hands, but she really is not someone who you’d want to date.  I’m done with rich girls too.  I think that I also dreamt about her because one of my best friends just broke up with her bf who slept with his best friend a couple weeks ago.  He had been in love with his best friend his whole life.  She said, “It would be like if you and I got drunk and hooked up.”  I said quickly, “That would actually be a mistake because it would affect our 12-year friendship.”

Sex does affect a friendship.  With Shane and with Bette (my actual exes), I was not friends with either of them first.  So, I’m cool with both of them, but don’t seek them out or makes plans to see them.  This particular girl who I dreamt about and I are pseudo friends.  It’s not a friendship though.  It was odd that I lain in bed for sometime this morning before I got out because I was given pause.  I was aroused when I woke up.  In the dream it was easy for her to pull my arm against her with her knees.  I think that it’s good that if she does get into touch to hang out, I will have my son and she will have her daughter.  That will put a halt on any moves she might have.  Maybe it’s a cautionary thing.  She has a terrible reputation with the 40ish outdoorsy set who I met last September.  It’s all regarding that she is not one that you’d want to get into a relationship with, but I think if both parties are open, that is their business in terms of who they sleep with, but I’m not into open.  I don’t have time for it either.  I also don’t want to have sex with someone who had a relationship with one of my ex’s best friends.  No thanks.

I wonder what I will have capacity to do on Saturday night.  Probably not much.  The race is only five-miles, but it’s got a lot of climbing and lifting combined with water.  My son is doing the quarter-mile, so it will be really nice to see him on a weekend that is not mine.  I’m proud of him for trying.  I imagine that when I get home, I will not be into doing anything but taking a hot bath and using ice and Tiger’s Balm.  My intern and her best friend are going to eat dinner with me, so I am pre-cooking on Friday night.  These are those times when it’s really nice to have an uncomplicated pinch hitter.  Like an ex who you’d never want to be with, but are cool with.  If I’m being completely honest with myself, if Shane were still ten-minutes away, I could see myself saying, “Hey, can we hook up for a couple of hours this weekend?  Is there a window wherein you will not be having a drop?”  That would probably piss her off, but she and I had the most consistent sex of anyone who I’ve slept with, and I would never want to be with her.  It’s rare to have something so uncomplicated.  Gotta eat, clean and write.

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Intentions

  1. Accomplish what I’m meant to without guilt when I don’t conquer an ENTIRE To-Do List
  2. Connect with my son and hold him close
  3. Listen fully
  4. Laugh
  5. Write everyday
  6. Host a monthly party with different themes in June, July, and August
  7. Add weight to one of my weights days
  8. Run one to two times weekly
  9. Research new music artists
  10. Learn my bike gears
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Busiest Sat

What didn’t I do yesterday?  I dropped my dog off at Day Care, ran a mile and quarter with one of my bosses, I did my typical Boot Camp, but we had a sub, I watched my son play soccer, I went shopping for groceries, I heard back from one of the therapists, as I plan on referring one my clients out for specific treatment, I got 3.5 inches of my hair chopped, I cleaned myself up, I had some water and met the Scorpio, I ran my 5K with a colleague and her friends, and then I had two beers with the bday entourage.  I have to write after church today, and I have to walk my dog before I go.

The Scorpio was back with her ex, so I was very careful about talking to either of them.  She touched me twice, and then her gf took her into the bar on the side, and when they returned, she didn’t touch me again.  When they left–which was way after the 5K was done and they had remained at the bar, she walked over to me and said, “It was really nice to meet you,” so now I do know that my colleague who had a bday told her that I said that she was cute.  She’s very cute.  We had that eye contact thing as we shook hands the last time, and a huge smile spread across my face.  We shall see how long she stays like her ex this time.  Again, that sounds like me.

I ran into a woman who I hadn’t seen in five-years.  I had only recently taken her phone number out of my phone.  Her gf was very cute.  She has lots of relationships, and I always think that it’s funny that I’ve dated so much too, but that is exactly why I plan on slowing down right now.  I honestly don’t want to force anything.  I want to see how girls are with their friends–I got good data on that last night with Scorpio–and I want to do stuff together first with any love interest.  I don’t even know what I would have done with my ex except hang out outside with our boys, eat dinner, and take a night walk.  I guess that we did listen to music sometimes, but often that was when we were having sex.  We had an insta-relationship.  No thanks.  That doesn’t work.  It also has not worked for me to just start having sex.

I really didn’t do that though with the last woman who I had sex with–not meaning my ex.  Peter Pan and I hung out, listened to music, ate meals together, did a summit, and talked very easily.  I was very bothered by the way that she said that she would have to be beaten by her brother to get him out of her parents house (One of her brothers is an addict.), that she lied about her career and then rolled with it, her over attachment to her roommate, and because she had a mythology about her being the most easy person in the world, she was beyond reproach.  I just wanted to have sex after karaoke one night, so I did.  Also, it did help damper the feelings that I had for my ex.  However, I did that right with delaying sex.  I did so for 7-weeks, but she lacked integrity in general.  The thing that I missed was my other new rule, and that is hanging out with friends together.  She has one guy friend who she plays golf with, and then her roommate who is straight, but her bf works out of town all the time.  So, I think that Peter Pan already had a gf, and it’s her straight roommate.

Again, there was no one of interest at the bar.  Everyone really drinks too heavily for me and others seem cliquey and phony.  I had one good conversation with a girl from the east coast who came in on an ancient Schwinn.  The bar owner who I have known for six-years helped her take it downstairs and then she gave me a tour of the whole place.  It is really cool and is definitely the best bar that she has ever run in our city.  She gave me pink boy briefs with the bar names on the crotch, so I put them over my running pants and wore them all night.  This girl on the ancient bike was good friends with Scorpio, so that was good, because Scorpio heard me making her laugh hard.  We shall call this girl Cruiser.  She was smart, but not cute, but could maybe be a good friend.  I’m going to friend her today.  Late that night, I brought her bike up from the basement and she said, “Wow, that’s impressive.”  I assumed because I just carried it up the stairs and lightly placed it right by the door instead of rolling it up, she was surprised.  I hope that Scorpio saw that too 🙂

I’m doing very well single. I know that when I network it’s good.  I want to get my dissertation done and work privately more all summer.  These paycuts from the day job have really messed me up financially.  I know that I’m getting my feet back under me and my heart healed.  I’m well on my way and have not ever actually felt this balanced.

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Weekender Readiness

I slept so well.  I think that I’m going to be able to improve that without sex, which I don’t think has happened in years.  I usually sleep best when I’m able to sleep with someone with some regularity–I say, “some” because there have been times that it is just a couple of weekends a month due to just dating with no seriousness.  It was just in my last relationship wherein it was weekly because we got serious and considered blending.  I think though that I will be able to just sleep better.

I cannot wait to be done with work, supervision, and then my family clients this evening.  I’m picking up my race packet and then chilling at home.  My workout partner’s date had to cancel, so she is chilling with me too.  We should probably make dinner together.  We shall see.  I have Boot Camp far away because I need to start working out with my boss due to our half being two months away, and I have to be the first to admit that I’m not ready for it.  I need to get hotel accommodations for it at the end of the month as well.  When I get back, my son plays two soccer games back to back this Saturday, and then I have a dye and haircut.   I don’t do the former too much because it’s so expensive, but I want solid color for the race and this spring.  I’ll probably need some rest time before the 5K and bday party too.  Sunday is just church and writing and then dinner with my intern.

I need to see who can walk my dog between noon and three.  I will walk her first thing in the morning and then at night as well on Saturday, but she has done some destructive stuff a couple days in a row, and I don’t want to leave her tethered in the house.  If she didn’t bark, I could tether her outside, but she is really territorial.

We had to meet with families last night who could meet.  It was pretty slow.  I wound up bs’ing with my workout partner quite a bit. She said that when my ex contacts me again that I won’t backslide much, because I am so much healthier around the entire situation.  It’s simpler because I don’t see her and really don’t think that I will see her until the very end of September.  I’m assuming that by then, it will just be a quick how are you and how is your son.  That’s healthy.  What she wanted was not healthy.  Close friends with an ex is just weird.  Now, it is time for connecting with all my close friends and meeting some available girls.  I hope that Saturday night is a BLAST.