Fill Line


I have weight machines today, but first have to drink coffee and walk my dogs. I also need to pop over to the crunch and go chiropractor because my left hip is really janky and throwing me off.

I am over the social limit. I had fun at guitar, but two teachers were talking to me during instruction, so I’ve had to practice more at home because I didn’t learn the song as well as I usually do. Bowling was fun. I was super mid averaging 115. Then Thursday we had our neighbors over for dinner and wine until 9. Friday I went to my best friend’s house and had to meet two new women. I sang like crazy, and didn’t play much. My best friend is a professional musician, so I get really shy when it’s her and others around. I could play just for her! I did sing a lot and sounded good. Yesterday two previous colleagues and I got together for Korean BBQ and Cass. I don’t even like lagers, but it was so cool and crisp–yum! Then I had a two-hour pit stop at home and my son learned the bass line for “Jumper” and brought his tiny amp that my ex sister-in-law had bought him for Christmas upstairs. It’s really fun to play. I want to sing it a little differently, so I need to memorize it. Then we went to the cowboy bar with two different previous colleagues and my current colleague who almost died and our workmate. The latter two and I do the same job. I really need to learn to dance. I have no confidence anymore. I was wishing that Owen was there. He would be patient with me, and he smells good, and is tall and gentle. I hit a wall at 11:30 and insisted that my colleague didn’t Uber and took her home. I had two big beers at 2-hour dinner, so I didn’t drink at the cowboy bar. I had a dissociative state and slept until nearly 9. I am over the fill line for being social.

This week is just as social. I have weights today, cardio with my son tomorrow, guitar class, bowling and then bowling with much of our whole staff from my main site. I’m so glad that I have Friday off of work! The weekend is cold, so I’m going to solo hike with the dogs on Friday when my son leaves for school. My goal is to practice guitar everyday and hike on the days that it isn’t snowing starting the 27th. I climb on Saturday the 25th.

I’m going to ask the climber out tomorrow afternoon. I was wanting to go to the Japanese gardens and eat, but the restaurant has permanently closed. COVID has really changed our landscape in the city. I am going to see if she’ll go north and west of town to sushi and then we can walk the neighborhood to some parks. I know that she wants to climb again soon too, and only the middle joint of my pinky is still swollen. I would like to have dinner with her on April 6th.

She introduced me to a term that I didn’t know on our ride home solo last week. It’s a phrase called, “attachment system.” I certainly knew about Ainsworth’s work with the strange situation and parent-child attachment and possible impacts on adolescent development, but thinking about anything related to one’s schema of attachment in relationships later was new to me. I printed the article that I read, and will give her the copy tomorrow. I learned about consensual non-monogamy in it in addition to attachment systems that she explained a bit. I hope that she likes the article and talks to me about her insights. Maybe over dinner in a month or so!

Afternoon commute

Sunday night the nice guy said that he is going to ride in solo for a day or two, so I texted the climber about our commute. The nice guy’s gf is very sick with COVID; although he is testing negative. So, it would be three of us–including my son–in, and she and I only on the way home. Yay. I got my son settled in the backseat of the car with the exception of his missing medication. I also forgot my coffee cup because I didn’t pack it in my lunch pail. If those are the worst things that happened given the time change, I’ll take it. I knocked on the dark door of her huge house and she came out very shortly. My son was nice and quiet in the backseat with the exception of making conversation about a topic that she knows a lot about, so it was a cool commute in given that I had snowshoed this weekend and she had climbed a frozen waterfall and rare formation. We had tons of outdoor conversation. She was really touched by the coffee that I made her and the milk, but didn’t use the cane sugar.

I had cooked breakfast for our whole staff and she has a mug of mine that she’s been using since then, so I went to borrow it and she said, “No, I’m going to take care of this because it has water in it.” Then she came into my office and laid against my back while I was scoring a test event. I told her that she is distracting. Pretty ballsy too as the nice guy was outside the door just feet away; although he can’t see into my office and could only hear us. I spent 10-minutes in her office at the end of lunch. She’s really easy for me to talk to and feel connected.

I told her that people have specific reactions to me just wanting to be and be open to whatever in terms of connections. I told her that people believe that I’m in a phase. She said, “Who cares if it is a phase and it ends?” I told her it’s really not given that with my marriages and the time that I was with both of them that it added up to 21-years of monogamy. Then I had exclusiveness with at least four other women now that I think about it. (I just realized that now that I’m writing.) The day to day stuff just doesn’t work for me personally, so I know that it’s not phase-oriented. I just want moments. I found out also that the climber had wanted kids and that she would still likely be married if he’d been able to have them, and that made me sad and made me understand her big, bustling household of 5 other folks who cook and host dances together. That’s her family and it’s very cool.

When we got to her house I asked her if I could have a hug. Then we wound up holding each other really close. Her breathing was a little jagged and she said, “I don’t want to get out of your car.” I told her that she didn’t have to and kissed her cheek and she held me tighter. We wound up kissing for awhile. It was so incredibly nice. Before she was getting out, she bit the front of my left bicep. I told her that we need to get together and she agreed. I’m going to see if I can get dinner with her in the next three weeks, and she wants to go climbing with me. My skin on my pinky is scaly and weird. I think it’s trying to do everything to heal up. I’ll use the dreaded simulated ice tools again on March 25th and will see how holding it with a three-fingered grip works.

She is such a complex person. I’m just starting to get to where I can ask her personal questions. I wouldn’t say that’s she’s guarded, but she doesn’t give lots of information unsolicited. She has definitely moved me on a body and mind level. I look forward to more time with her.


I gave her a playlist on a CD, and a pink journal to write her dreams in and also things for our wedding.  I had taken what I remember from seeing her through my friend’s FB and then finally meeting her in July of 2012 for the words, and then songs that I listened to during the torturous part of 2013 before we finally got our timing together.  Before we left, we made love, and were able to reflect on the holiday season and the time that we had with her sister who surprised the family with a visit.  We had an incredible time with her listening to hair rock and playing Super Nintendo’s Super Mario World.  It was a retro fest of love.

Her sister drove home on Friday–which takes about 11-12 hours, and afterward we cleaned out our pantry after I had brought my dog back from the dog park.  We had to drive back to her kick-ass apartment and pack it.  Her mother and her mother’s boyfriend are in GA and left their SUV, so we were able to basically get everything down to our house.  I don’t think that there is much left, and we hung some shelving and got things into the pantry.  It was a really busy day before we left to get engaged.

We drove two-and-a-half hours, and then soaked in springs until night fall.  The first night was cloudy, but it was very nice.  The stars were phenomenal the second night.  We took a small hike today.  I love her.  I love being engaged.  I love starting my life on stable ground.

View from the trailhead

Truly new

My ex finally removed me (and for the fourth time) off of FB.  She also took off my cousin and my close friends.  I may at some point take off the three women from the bday trip that we took last fall, but it’s nice to know that she won’t look at anything related to me.  She didn’t block me this time around, but maybe she can leave it alone.  I hope that she does understand that you can’t treat anyone like complete shit and say horrible things to her and expect that you’ll be friends.  I have no interest in a big shot who thinks that she is better than everyone and really seems to have an entourage of minions.

So, I’m starting something new and it’s going slowly.  We cuddled in church–my son was in Sunday school–and then my son sat between us when he came out during prayers.  They are teaching him The Lord’s Prayer.  He had a workbook when he came out that my artist looked through.  She is so great with boys and has a way of listening to children that is enviable.  She’s kind and gentle in addition to being so striking.  She almost made me turn red saying something a little dirty to me, and then I was struck that she would make reference to something kinky in church.  I am going to have to get my brain around a lot of things before I make love to her.  She’s genuinely intimidating.

I don’t know when I’ll see her.  I don’t even want to go out of town to climb mountains this weekend for my birthday, because it has really gotten cold.  If I don’t have an audience in my office today, I’ll call the B & B over the lunch hour and ask how much snow they got.  I’d rather see my artist a couple of times, and write and clean.

That’s what I think happened.  I think that I got on top of some of the highest points in North America starting in July, and then I put out my intentions into the mountain air.  I also think that since February of 2012, when I kept saying that I wanted a kind and gentle girlfriend, that began what I would seek.  Should I read through previous entries, I know that there are other things that I put “out into the universe” as they say.  Now, I am scared and should have a friend say to me, “Be careful what you wish for.”

Did I ever

It’s difficult to put into words; although, the words shall unfold as I write.  I went over with skewers of halibut buttressed between purple onions, zucchini, summer squash, and asparagus spears, and grilled caramelized apples with pineapple on the sweet skewers.  Then, of course, I made my salad.  She was simply thrilled with the food.  We talked easily and about everything, and then she looked over at me with her huge hazel eyes and said, “We have time, and when I’m with you, I want the time to slow and I just want you to know everything.  But, we really have all the time in the world.”  But, then the bomb in my soul dropped through when she said, “Two big things.  First, you know that I’m bi, right?”  I told her that until Saturday, I didn’t and that I would have been talking to her in an entirely different way had I known, and she threw back her head and laughed hard from her tummy.  I couldn’t have a table corner between us anymore.

She gave me the tour of her half of the converted school house that she lives in and I felt my body come alive on the deck.  So, we sat there in this ridiculous rain as she told me more of her story and we noticed the lines between the sides of the old school house, and she told me about the renovations.  I felt like being outside there with her was a gift, and we talked easily and openly about everything.  There was a simply huge sumac tree in front of our view separating the sides of the home–one side had industrial siding and the other was softer dark blue stucco, while much of our surroundings was natural.  We admired and looked at the end of her garden on one of the final days of summer, and took in the other trees in the background while we talked and I stroked her legs that she had laid across my lap.  We talked for an hour out there and then when she was completely vulnerable, I told her that I wanted so badly to just hold her, and not in a lawn chair.

We went into the largest room in the house and cuddled on the couch in front of the fire.  That is when awhile later she asked if I was going to kiss her.  My lips fit under hers and we have magical kissing.  After some heavy kissing wherein I kissed and bit her neck, and lay my mouth in the notch at the base of her throat, she laughed again and said, “We have sooooo much fun ahead of us.”  And we do.

I really did wait for her.  I know that we can start small and be mindful, but she is more than my girlfriend.  I waited and have found my one.


It has been a long, long time.  I’ve gone slightly longer one time, and hope not to go again.  I’ve had these moments seeing calves, the backs of arms, the swell of the top of an ass in a skirt, or the nape of the neck wherein I am barely able to not run my finger tips across the skin.  Because it is not connected to a particular person, but is what happens visually when some women walk by, it’s a bit objectifying.  I really love everything about women’s bodies.

Our site coordinator on my Wednesday gig is a guy.  He is brilliant and hilarious.  I had a pretty good day, but can’t wait to be able to do things as a team, because both of the other women on it who are still there from last year are completely cool and talented.  We have an intern as well, but I don’t know her well yet.

Last night, the girl who I had a two-day completely emotional affair with emailed me.  I’m more inclined to develop a purely professional relationship with her and see if she can get hired where I work as she is a mental health provider too, and where she works doesn’t pay shit and requires waaaay more hours.  Last night she said that she sent me a non-professional and light email.  The only thing is that it had sexual content.  Not from her, but from what one of the really talented male musicians was pretending to do to her.  Gay males I know are shameless.  Not shocking.  Then I do note that I have  response, which I thinly veil as saying that I just need to date a reasonable girl or that I wish I could just stomach sleeping with Peter Pan.

I can’t.  I was never attracted to her.  She would, but most of me wants to just hold out for something good.  I am going to grab a couple of beverages tonight, because I have a driver.  My former intern and my workout partner are coming over tonight and wanted to make me dinner.  I want to get back to my house by 10:30, so I’m refusing to let them cook.  One time we ate at nine when they did.

I’m climbing with my intern from two years ago tomorrow morning.  Then I’m taking my cycling partner out for her birthday, which was actually at the beginning of the month.  I have to be at church for a long time on Sunday, and then I can clean, weed, and write.  I want to ensure that I have a dinner companion on Sunday, and if I don’t, I have been thinking lately about kicking around the bookstore near downtown by one of the high schools.  I know that I need to be more visible.  You hardly are when you’re on a trail ascending a peak.

Not a shadow me

  1. I had a very odd dream last night. I had to go to the dermatologist, mainly because I had to use a restroom, and when I came into the office the girl (Derm) was intensely looking at me. You know that eye contact thing that means, “Hey, you are hot or otherwise intriguing.” My son had dropped some book pages in the gutter, so I was rounding them up, and then I found a way to rebind them and order the missing pages. So, I brought them into the doctor’s office so I could chat with her. She was not my type, but as my intern who had dinner at my house rather accurately said, “Some attention is good attention.” It is.

She put the newly made books on her shelf in the waiting room. She told me that she also had a DC license for chiropractic. I liked that she was smart. I think she was Peter Pan.

What if Peter Pan had been a doctor? I think that it would have helped. I don’t like being lied to about anything, and I really found it distasteful that she just let a lie run until way after she had slept with me a bunch of times. In general too, regardless of anything, when there is no magic and spark in a kiss, it doesn’t float my boat.

Scrubs reappeared. I guess we’ll ride bikes on Friday. I asked my intern if I should just do her. I don’t really want to though, and with over seven-months under my belt, no sex is well-practiced (sadly). She honestly has huge teeth and no upper lip. I think that it would be unpleasant to kiss her.

One of the women from the outing on Sunday and I have texted a little. We are in very different places in life. She is a couple of weeks younger than Scrubs, but the latter has a little kid like I do. This woman has a raised kid, a 14-year-old, and an 18-year-old and said that she is looking forward to having both of her kids out. We are just in too different places. Also, she mostly talks about sports and outdoor adventures. I’m a little arty and love music. I also used to read all of the time (pre-dissertation) and I love to write. So, I don’t really want a jock. I like other stuff too much. I also think that she is clearly in a different life space than I am.

Taking the boys hiking today to a real fire lookout. They should be stoked. I have to stop writing now and make a quiche. (I don’t buy piecrust.) I have exactly 6-days of my vacation left, but this year will be way less working. Years seem to go by fast right now. I don’t want to engage in things that make my time spent less valuable. I plan on a good hike and connected evening.

Gearing up

I’ve been climbing mountains with my time.  Now, I have to write all day and don’t know if I can join my workout partner at a fitness festival tomorrow morning, because my son has been really tired.  I don’t think that I should get him up around sunrise on a Saturday.  I can watch them, but seven-year-olds really need their sleep.

Because I have wanted to feel connected to nature, I have seen a few sunrises far from home in the last three weeks.  Additionally, I walked around the peaks of two new mountains for me, and one of which is the highest point in our state.  Also, I went back up to peaks that I had previously climbed which are adjacent.  I had done one first in 2009, and then repeated it with both of the peaks being summited in 2010, so it was cool to go back up with one of the newer friends who I have.  You really bond on a climb, and we did.  Here is how my views have been as of late:

Taking a picture doesn't really do this kind of scenery justice

Taking a picture doesn’t really do this kind of scenery justice

I am going to meet 11 new girls on Sunday.  When I was first out of my str8 marriage, I hiked with my son with some of those groups and then last summer I played kickball.  I didn’t meet anyone of lasting interest and the latter caused my to blow my right quad, which I still have some issues with when I climb or walk long distances.  (I just couldn’t NOT kick the hardest pitches from a frat boy type of asshole, so I paid.)  However, I am hopeful that this group will yield some new people to hang out with for my last few days of vacation and into my fall.

My workout partner met one of my guy friends last week.  We had a lil’ BBQ and drinks on my back patio.  She is going out on a date with him tonight.  I am also orchestrating at least one, if not two, other meet and greets with guys who I know over the next several weeks.  She had a shitty experience with a guy from our gym–he is super hot, but is a drunk–and then a very scary thing happen early in the summer with one of our colleagues.  I guess some of these meetings; although, she asked to meet my guy friends, are like big sister protection.

My ex called me early last week, and it was very odd.  She said that she wanted to know how my summer was going and then she told me about a prank that she played on her friends.  I would never do something that could potentially scare someone as a joke.  I crack them all the time, but they are never at someone’s expense unless I really have that dynamic with someone who also teases me.  I also don’t make scenes, because I don’t like directed attention unless I am speaking for my profession, but then there is that “professional distance.”  I had been introduced to my ex via an old colleague who knew my ex’s best friend.  I talked to her on the phone yesterday and I said, “I guess she wants to be my friend.”  She said quickly, “______ , she doesn’t want to be your friend.  She is obsessed with the way that things were left and that there is someone in this world who does not have a favorable impression of her.”

That was interesting.  How can you think that if you are literally constantly giving negative feedback to your girlfriend or making slights and underhanded comments to her that you will leave it well?  Are you kidding?  When I was talking to my colleague, I told her that there was nothing that I could do well either, and she would always tell me how she was good at the same things or the best at them.  Now, I do get that her athletic abilities will always surpass mine, but I don’t care.  I don’t compete against anyone, and simply want to fit my sense of things, and I don’t have standards that require me to take chances.  I have turned around without making a summit four times in five-years, and walked around several obstacles at both of my adventure races.  I don’t have a sense of myself which requires me to prove anything.  I also don’t control anyone.  I don’t have that need.

Impressions that you give others result from your interactions.  With distance, I get that had I stayed with my ex that all my behaviors would have been attempted to be controlled and that if I did something, she would have to do it better.  In fact, there were things that she simply wouldn’t try, because she didn’t do them perfectly.  Last year my birthday trip required about a mile-and-a-half of steep hiking.  I climb up four to ten times that amount of distance and at much more pronounced levels of elevation gain as a hobby, so it felt like nothing even with camping gear.  One of her friends said, “Wow, ______ , you are just bombing up there.”  It was only until recently that I realized that is probably why she flatly refused to hike with me, and that is because it’s something that I do more, so I can do it.  Wow.

She can call me.  I’ll probably answer her calls if I’m not doing anything.  I won’t call her.  I won’t interact with her by choice either.  I made my peace with thanking her for the four things that she imparted to me.  I will not romanticize what is only a good show that lasted three-months and then the year-long fallout, which resulted as I actually began to know who she was and how she shows up in the world.

I can be persnickety.  I am not overly friendly with new people; although, I am helpful.  Even as an extrovert, I watch and observe before I make decisions.  I also like things that I do a certain way–especially food.  There have been times in my life that I have been attracted to toxic people.  They will join with you when you are feeling badly, but now I want to seek out positive interactions.  I don’t want to be around any poison.  I am looking forward to meeting some positive girls tomorrow and connecting to new people in a slow, organic way.  I’m done with extremity and fervor.


It’s good.  It took nearly seven-months, but I am really over my ex and don’t want to seek out anything at all.  My workout partner asked if she knows that my sermon is tomorrow.  I said, “I think so.”  I would be really shocked if she came.  It’s too vulnerable for her to do so, and I’m sure that she knows that many of my good friends will be there.  It’s also not on her terms or is it something that she can control.  She started our relationship with a power differential based on a phrase in an email that wasn’t there.  So, she would make mean or simply teasingly sarcastic comments about it and who it made me out to be, so when I finally fell out of love with her, that kind of stuff was all that remained.

We had a handful of fun and funny moments and that was it.  She doesn’t even make me laugh when we do talk now, and things that I have written about her or even to her involved an energy shift that made it so I could detail why we just didn’t work and don’t show up the same in this world.  I don’t want to control or criticize anyone, and I don’t care who does something better than me.  Talents and strengths are as individual as anything else that make up a human.

I have gone over my sermon about five-times.  Tomorrow morning, I need to sit with the guy who does all the visuals for the service so I can underline my cues in my script that I wrote.  I don’t want to have a missed cue for him.  I added a picture of my brother to the slides yesterday, so I already feel badly about changing that.  It’s one that should be there though, because he is standing alone on a porch and looks contemplative.

The only thing that I’d really like to ensure before Boot Camp today is to have what I’m going to say after the pop song is sung is completely memorized.  I don’t want to have my notes around for that.  I’d rather just take them up when I start my message.  It’s not much information and I added some stuff that is more mindful than it is religious to mine.  I will just get that committed to memory, so I can look at the congregation while I say it.  I think that I don’t really look too much at my notes anyway while I’m speaking, so it shouldn’t be a problem.

A friend of mine from church who is transgendered and I met at a park n ride in the foothills before sunrise on Wednesday morning.  It was obvious when we got close to the trailhead that we 1) travel well together, and 2) are probably going to be friends.  We couldn’t find the road to get to the trail.  I think that it turned out that we didn’t drive far enough west initially, but she knew the roads fairly well there, so we started bumping around forrest roads until we ran into a locked gate.  We got out and hiked the forrest road and shortly thereafter found a tree over the road.  That explained the gate.

After a few miles, we found the section of the trail system, which connects the mountain ranges in our state with over 500-miles of trails.  Someday it would be neat to backpack and camp sections of it with my son.  I’d like that.  It was good to be on trail, but it was steep.  Finally after some huge grade scaling, we saw a sign that said the mountain name on it with the height and pointed a directional arrow.  We embraced.  We wound up summiting three times total, because we hiked the south ridge line and some loose scree drove me nuts and caused me to cancel my rock climbing lesson.  I just think that I’m less of a climber, because I’m not an extreme person.  The summit was beautiful.  My friend is a professional photographer, so she posted incredible pictures.

That’s where I am.  I get there, but I don’t often follow the trail and there are times in which I simply can’t find it.  It doesn’t matter, because it’s those bumps that really involve the learning and confidence-building for me.

Hang Time

We had an extremely busy weekend.  I did my last Boot Camp with my boss and also my workout partner before our crazy, dangerous obstacle half, and then went straightaway to a bday party for a girl in my son’s Hip Hop class, after that was pictures for recital and then we headed home.  My basement had flooded the night before so I cleaned it up, and then when I showered (Good Lord, did I need it.), I flooded it again.  I hope that it’s just the main sewer line that needs to be jetted.  I don’t have nine-grand laying around for a new sewer line.  Please!

Today after church I cooked a little and then packed it up and took it to a very busy park.  We picnicked, played frisbee, took two walks with our pup, and a hot mother played with my son and showed him how to throw and catch a football.  Str8 or not, she was really fun to talk to and had a great ass.  My friend who met us said, “Sad to see you go, but very fun to watch you walk away.”  Hahahaha!  It was cool, because my son was super snotty and moody and she heard him, and then said, “Sometimes I wonder why the alpha male woke up in the morning?”  I laughed and told her thanks and then when I came back, she had her son, who was probably five-years older than mine, ask him to play.  She and her brother-in-law played catch with him and taught him stuff.  I gave her a couple of cans of the craft beer that we were drinking.  She was appreciative, but perhaps not as appreciative as I was given that she played with my son a bit, and I could talk to my friend.  It’s so funny because the sermon today was on generosity and noticing it in others.  I noticed it.  She was a very compassionate and caring Mom.  Hot was just a bonus.

I’m pretty damn happy.  My friend had to move in because her girl and she are not quite ready to take the shack up plunge.  I think that I want to clean out my office and get another roommate.  When I have to start paying off this doc, I don’t want to have much debt.  With us making less every year at work, and health insurance for my son and I tripling, my debt sucks.  And when I do my post-doc, I’ll have to make nothing.  So, I think that I want to live with peeps for awhile.  It would be good for me, and perhaps for my son.  I’m going to put out the good roomie finder juju.  Just hanging out and doing things that float my boat.

Delusions of the Exes

I think that I casually mentioned that Shane had written the same day or day after I had to sit in a presentation with my coming-out affair.  It’s so odd to have a coming out affair when you were 33, but my hs and college gfs were covert.  Anyway, the delusional one is not my coming-out affair. I gave her a simple hug and had a professional conversation.

Shane is super delusional though.  She wrote a disjointed letter that my son barely listened to and sent a complicated star device and a toy plane.  My son is 7.  He cannot interpret the stars and the wheels would take my perceptually-challenged self hours to interpret, so it’s just buried somewhere.  He has not played with transportation devices in three-years.  She is like one of those unfortunate distant relatives who we all have who still think that we are suspended in toddlerhood or something.  The saddest part of that is that she thinks that they have this relationship.  If she wants one, she would have to call him once a month, as he changes quickly.  Sad, really.  I do wish her the best, and wrote her a thank you email that day.

So, unfortunately, when you have kids and you spend over a year with someone, you and your kids interact.  Hell, Bette and I even did blended weekends for awhile, but I promptly stopped those early in 2012.  I still miss her son.  He is a gem.  She’s super lucky that he won’t remember me at all.  My son has been asking to talk to her for a couple of months, but like most seven-year-olds, he loses interest and lacks follow-through.  Well, not last night.  He was adamant about talking to her.  Of course he did have to leave her a message.  She left him a voice recording the following morning, which was today.  I played it for him and he asked to call her back.  He took my landline in my bedroom, his dog, and left.  I unloaded the dishwasher.  He came out shortly later.  Then I got two texts.  One was thanking me.  The other was apologizing if I took offense at one of her comments.  I said, “I have no idea what you’re referring to.  He sequestered himself in a bedroom with the dog.”

She talked about him at length.  I responded.  She honestly is a pretty good mother.  I think she’s harsh as all get out and I don’t want to be her friend, but she is honestly one of those people who has a soft spot in her heart for kids.  She asked to take him for a burger this weekend, but I explained that he has rehearsals Friday and Saturday, but that she could see him anytime that she wanted to.  I sent her two recent photos of him, and one had my intern in it.  She thought it was my gf, and I said that she is a 29-year-old str8 intern, but that I had a good gay story, so I left it on a voice recording.  I’ll reproduce it in brief here, because it’s funny.

I’ve been cross training since November with my workout partner.  She knows my son well though, because she is working with him as she is a Speech Pathologist.  My son reads too well to qualify for speech, but he has a lateral lisp.  This information is bg, and not the story.

Here is the story, and why I was with this particular girl, who I’ve been cross-training with this school year.  We were walking our dog after lifting weights and eating dinner.  She was talking to my son about his gf.  My son is super tall and actually very good looking.  A 5th grade girl called this house this year and left a VM and completely freaked me out, but again that is just more context.  Anyway, he likes this girl in his class who happens to be Black.  My workout partner said, “Do you like Black Girls?”  He answered, “Oh, yes.”  She said, “I like Black guys.”  My son said, “We are the same.  But, we are straight.”  There was a long pause and my son said, “You’re the gay one, Mom.”

It was funny.  My son is a bit of a nut.  That was a good exchange, was not overly personal, but was not an invitation into my personal life, but was about my son.  So, I thought that would be good, but she texted again a very stupid joke.  I let it go with no response, so 5-hours later she left me a long voice recording with race tips, and offers to send photos about her race.

Jeez.  I finished my 5-mile, and had fun.  I can finish my crazy half.  I don’t need advice.  Having a friendship with someone who doles out advice and tips is not a friendship.  Honestly, it reminds me of a stereotypical man who must be the best (Most of her tips were based on the race and her training that she had just completed, and how they could help me.) and be the one to help and fix.  Ani says it best, “I’m not a kitten stuck up in a tree, and I don’t need to be rescued.”  Also, when will she get that I didn’t ask?  I don’t need her for a friend or anything else.  I don’t appreciate unsolicited advice either.  If she wants to see my son, she’s more than welcome to take him snowboarding or out to eat or whatever.  I don’t need her.  She has strange ideas about relationships with exes in general.

Game Day

So, it’s nearly here.  My five-mile.  Given that I had done my B weights late at night last night, I was sleeping soundly when I got a wrong number at 12:30.  Arg!  Maybe it was divine intervention, but it still made me mad as I was sleeping so well.  I’m groggy right now, and pounding coffee having dropped off my son at school.

Gonna run our dog a little.  She is very hard to run because she is a boxer mix and does a lot of weird furtive movements.  Right now because I’m in a tank and running shorts, she jumps sideways and wags her whole booty when I get up to get coffee and the like.  I was told that she is also German Shepherd–she is very beautiful–but whatever her other half is, makes her FAST.  It is hard to run her.  She outruns all the dogs even at a packed dog park.

It’s cold.  I like it.  I didn’t like biking to the reservoir with my new cycling partner yesterday given the headwinds.  The 21-miles was agony.  Like always though, I’m glad that I do that stuff.  This weather is great for running.  I hope that I feel that way after my 5-mile Saturday!  I was dreaming about my cycling partner when I got the two wrong number calls after midnight.  That doesn’t matter much because she is a str8 girl, and I love her bf.  I just think that I’m ready to sleep with someone, but I won’t do it because I don’t want more of the same.  Sex complicates everything and I want to enter into dating mindfully the next time through and don’t care when the next time through is.  I kinda want to see my psychologist.  I should see if she has had any cancellations today.

I got the most disingenuous text from lonely girl on Wednesday.  I wanted her to bring her daughter to an activity that is unique at my current clinical site.  I’ll be taking girls back there who are clients next week, so I wanted a dry run of the equipment.  The artist is really fun to hang out with as well.  It was cool because the kids got to make art, but it turned out only to be my son.  No biggie.  He loved it.

Lonely girl wanted to reschedule for Thursday, as she didn’t have her daughter much this week.  When I said that joint custody must be lonely–given that I miss my son by Saturday night on my non-weekends–as I’m used to full custody, she promptly followed-up with why that is not true and how her life has perfect balance.  I found it so lacking in normal vulnerability.  When I told my cycling partner about it yesterday, she said, “Maybe she just wants to be perfect.”  I let my workout partner read it and she laughed hard and said, “Wow!  That’s arrogant!”  She continued to laugh and I probed her a bit, and she said, “Really?  That makes it sound like she wants for NOTHING in her life.”  I said that is probably not accurate, because only last month she was asking me questions about how you meet girls. But, then she said, “I think that she is selling herself as perfect and that her life is one that we all should aspire to because she has EVERYTHING that she needs–enough friends, enough workout time, just everything and doesn’t need anyone.”  Either way, I didn’t like the candor.  I’m not going to make any plans with her unless she sets something up.  There is imbalance about her, and she seems really weird.

I’m hoping to have some new adventures to blog here at some point, but whenever that shall be, will be.  I have a new blog that I’m keeping up with well, and I use my identity as it details some aspects of my clinical work.  I like to write there too, but look forward to someday having some sexy stuff again.  Right now is not the time.  Time to run our dog.  I’m grateful for friends, cool weather, a workable schedule, and our house.  It’s not that I want for nothing and that I think I’m perfect.  I’m simply really good where I am, and trust my journey.  I hope that all who make my day by interacting with me here, enjoy their weekends.


I had a wonderful day yesterday, so now I’m reflecting on it.  Now, I’m looking forward to my hump day, which would have started out with a 30-mile bike ride, but it seems really cloudy and like it could continue to rain.  I don’t like slipping around inclines on trails on my very light road bike.  I don’t think that it actually rained much at my house, but there are huge gray clouds, so my new cycling partner and I are going to do an afternoon ride tomorrow.   I did my Day A yesterday, and it combined with humidity and heavy clouds promoted the best sleep that I’ve had in weeks.  However, I had a really somewhat unsettling dream.

I was in my black cocktail dress that is fitted at the waist, and I am not sure why I was because I had a slew of adolescents in a day treatment program with whom I was working.  Lonely girl was there and working with them as well, because she was giving information on psychopharmacology.  It should be noted that I would never be in a slinky black dress if I was working with adolescents or if I was at work, but I was.  She was talking to me, and then when I was talking to a group of boys, I turned around and she started touching my back, and then started tending to a blemish that I apparently had on my low back.  This dress is not backless, but it was in the dream.

Later after the clients were in her huge backyard in a group, she and I were drawing on a white board and talking about ethnicity, and I told her what everyone who just meets me and is somewhat gauche says, and that’s “What are you?”  I get a range.  I think that I look Italian, but I get Greek, Asian, and sometimes get asked if I’m Latina, which is more confusing since I do speak some Spanish.  She laughed.  We talked more and I sat on her back porch.  She sat down and put her legs around the back of my right arm and moved herself against me.  Then she pulled me to her with her legs, and wound up having her lower body completely pressed against my upper arm and her knees were against my stomach and back.  I could feel her heat.  At that point, I was really turned on and she asked if I liked her.  I said, “Well, I certainly find you attractive, but we have a house full of kids.  I’ll have to come back tonight.”

Wow.  I think that all the manifest content of that is that I really do miss sex in general.  It’s been a couple weeks shy of six-months.  I told my workout partner last night that I know that I let my ex say abusive shit to me for as long as I did because she met companionship needs and that I knew that when I stopped seeing her (completely) that I would have a dry spell.

This particular round of celibacy is somewhat self-inflicted because it’s rare for me to be attracted to someone.  I was not attracted to Peter Pan, but thought that she was sweet and earnest and it was really flattering to have someone so into you when your ex was doing more push and pull, and you hadn’t had sex with her in three months.  That was last summer though.  I am not attracted to lonely girl.  And she only texts very rarely.  She has a nice smile, gorgeous dimples, and I like her hands, but she really is not someone who you’d want to date.  I’m done with rich girls too.  I think that I also dreamt about her because one of my best friends just broke up with her bf who slept with his best friend a couple weeks ago.  He had been in love with his best friend his whole life.  She said, “It would be like if you and I got drunk and hooked up.”  I said quickly, “That would actually be a mistake because it would affect our 12-year friendship.”

Sex does affect a friendship.  With Shane and with Bette (my actual exes), I was not friends with either of them first.  So, I’m cool with both of them, but don’t seek them out or makes plans to see them.  This particular girl who I dreamt about and I are pseudo friends.  It’s not a friendship though.  It was odd that I lain in bed for sometime this morning before I got out because I was given pause.  I was aroused when I woke up.  In the dream it was easy for her to pull my arm against her with her knees.  I think that it’s good that if she does get into touch to hang out, I will have my son and she will have her daughter.  That will put a halt on any moves she might have.  Maybe it’s a cautionary thing.  She has a terrible reputation with the 40ish outdoorsy set who I met last September.  It’s all regarding that she is not one that you’d want to get into a relationship with, but I think if both parties are open, that is their business in terms of who they sleep with, but I’m not into open.  I don’t have time for it either.  I also don’t want to have sex with someone who had a relationship with one of my ex’s best friends.  No thanks.

I wonder what I will have capacity to do on Saturday night.  Probably not much.  The race is only five-miles, but it’s got a lot of climbing and lifting combined with water.  My son is doing the quarter-mile, so it will be really nice to see him on a weekend that is not mine.  I’m proud of him for trying.  I imagine that when I get home, I will not be into doing anything but taking a hot bath and using ice and Tiger’s Balm.  My intern and her best friend are going to eat dinner with me, so I am pre-cooking on Friday night.  These are those times when it’s really nice to have an uncomplicated pinch hitter.  Like an ex who you’d never want to be with, but are cool with.  If I’m being completely honest with myself, if Shane were still ten-minutes away, I could see myself saying, “Hey, can we hook up for a couple of hours this weekend?  Is there a window wherein you will not be having a drop?”  That would probably piss her off, but she and I had the most consistent sex of anyone who I’ve slept with, and I would never want to be with her.  It’s rare to have something so uncomplicated.  Gotta eat, clean and write.


  1. Accomplish what I’m meant to without guilt when I don’t conquer an ENTIRE To-Do List
  2. Connect with my son and hold him close
  3. Listen fully
  4. Laugh
  5. Write everyday
  6. Host a monthly party with different themes in June, July, and August
  7. Add weight to one of my weights days
  8. Run one to two times weekly
  9. Research new music artists
  10. Learn my bike gears

Busiest Sat

What didn’t I do yesterday?  I dropped my dog off at Day Care, ran a mile and quarter with one of my bosses, I did my typical Boot Camp, but we had a sub, I watched my son play soccer, I went shopping for groceries, I heard back from one of the therapists, as I plan on referring one my clients out for specific treatment, I got 3.5 inches of my hair chopped, I cleaned myself up, I had some water and met the Scorpio, I ran my 5K with a colleague and her friends, and then I had two beers with the bday entourage.  I have to write after church today, and I have to walk my dog before I go.

The Scorpio was back with her ex, so I was very careful about talking to either of them.  She touched me twice, and then her gf took her into the bar on the side, and when they returned, she didn’t touch me again.  When they left–which was way after the 5K was done and they had remained at the bar, she walked over to me and said, “It was really nice to meet you,” so now I do know that my colleague who had a bday told her that I said that she was cute.  She’s very cute.  We had that eye contact thing as we shook hands the last time, and a huge smile spread across my face.  We shall see how long she stays like her ex this time.  Again, that sounds like me.

I ran into a woman who I hadn’t seen in five-years.  I had only recently taken her phone number out of my phone.  Her gf was very cute.  She has lots of relationships, and I always think that it’s funny that I’ve dated so much too, but that is exactly why I plan on slowing down right now.  I honestly don’t want to force anything.  I want to see how girls are with their friends–I got good data on that last night with Scorpio–and I want to do stuff together first with any love interest.  I don’t even know what I would have done with my ex except hang out outside with our boys, eat dinner, and take a night walk.  I guess that we did listen to music sometimes, but often that was when we were having sex.  We had an insta-relationship.  No thanks.  That doesn’t work.  It also has not worked for me to just start having sex.

I really didn’t do that though with the last woman who I had sex with–not meaning my ex.  Peter Pan and I hung out, listened to music, ate meals together, did a summit, and talked very easily.  I was very bothered by the way that she said that she would have to be beaten by her brother to get him out of her parents house (One of her brothers is an addict.), that she lied about her career and then rolled with it, her over attachment to her roommate, and because she had a mythology about her being the most easy person in the world, she was beyond reproach.  I just wanted to have sex after karaoke one night, so I did.  Also, it did help damper the feelings that I had for my ex.  However, I did that right with delaying sex.  I did so for 7-weeks, but she lacked integrity in general.  The thing that I missed was my other new rule, and that is hanging out with friends together.  She has one guy friend who she plays golf with, and then her roommate who is straight, but her bf works out of town all the time.  So, I think that Peter Pan already had a gf, and it’s her straight roommate.

Again, there was no one of interest at the bar.  Everyone really drinks too heavily for me and others seem cliquey and phony.  I had one good conversation with a girl from the east coast who came in on an ancient Schwinn.  The bar owner who I have known for six-years helped her take it downstairs and then she gave me a tour of the whole place.  It is really cool and is definitely the best bar that she has ever run in our city.  She gave me pink boy briefs with the bar names on the crotch, so I put them over my running pants and wore them all night.  This girl on the ancient bike was good friends with Scorpio, so that was good, because Scorpio heard me making her laugh hard.  We shall call this girl Cruiser.  She was smart, but not cute, but could maybe be a good friend.  I’m going to friend her today.  Late that night, I brought her bike up from the basement and she said, “Wow, that’s impressive.”  I assumed because I just carried it up the stairs and lightly placed it right by the door instead of rolling it up, she was surprised.  I hope that Scorpio saw that too 🙂

I’m doing very well single. I know that when I network it’s good.  I want to get my dissertation done and work privately more all summer.  These paycuts from the day job have really messed me up financially.  I know that I’m getting my feet back under me and my heart healed.  I’m well on my way and have not ever actually felt this balanced.

Weekender Readiness

I slept so well.  I think that I’m going to be able to improve that without sex, which I don’t think has happened in years.  I usually sleep best when I’m able to sleep with someone with some regularity–I say, “some” because there have been times that it is just a couple of weekends a month due to just dating with no seriousness.  It was just in my last relationship wherein it was weekly because we got serious and considered blending.  I think though that I will be able to just sleep better.

I cannot wait to be done with work, supervision, and then my family clients this evening.  I’m picking up my race packet and then chilling at home.  My workout partner’s date had to cancel, so she is chilling with me too.  We should probably make dinner together.  We shall see.  I have Boot Camp far away because I need to start working out with my boss due to our half being two months away, and I have to be the first to admit that I’m not ready for it.  I need to get hotel accommodations for it at the end of the month as well.  When I get back, my son plays two soccer games back to back this Saturday, and then I have a dye and haircut.   I don’t do the former too much because it’s so expensive, but I want solid color for the race and this spring.  I’ll probably need some rest time before the 5K and bday party too.  Sunday is just church and writing and then dinner with my intern.

I need to see who can walk my dog between noon and three.  I will walk her first thing in the morning and then at night as well on Saturday, but she has done some destructive stuff a couple days in a row, and I don’t want to leave her tethered in the house.  If she didn’t bark, I could tether her outside, but she is really territorial.

We had to meet with families last night who could meet.  It was pretty slow.  I wound up bs’ing with my workout partner quite a bit. She said that when my ex contacts me again that I won’t backslide much, because I am so much healthier around the entire situation.  It’s simpler because I don’t see her and really don’t think that I will see her until the very end of September.  I’m assuming that by then, it will just be a quick how are you and how is your son.  That’s healthy.  What she wanted was not healthy.  Close friends with an ex is just weird.  Now, it is time for connecting with all my close friends and meeting some available girls.  I hope that Saturday night is a BLAST.


What is it with all the driven people?  I had a massage this morning because these last two weeks at work have actually been a pile of shit from which I can’t wait to come through, and my therapist, who has been rubbing my act for 10-years told me that with our trail (We live blocks apart.) all torn up that the cyclists are getting on his nerves.  I made the analogy of marathoners and avid roadbikers and determined that they are both zealots, prior to drifting off into the land of stream of consciousness and no voluntary movement.

I’m fit.  Quite so for my age, but I would never run all the time or would I bike until I dropped.  I, frankly, have waaaay too many other things that I’m interested in doing with my time and seek balance.  Plus, I’m not driven to the degree where I live under a misapprehension that I can perfect my body or bench 150-pounds.  Well, I would feel badass if I could do the latter, but would never do 3-sets of 15 of those.  I would like to add some heavy stuff to my day C and just have to buy one of the counselors from work lunch at a soul food place for that 😉  Oddly, he is my ex’s type and actually lives just miles from her…  Small world in which we reside.

We run our family 5K tomorrow.  I hope that my ex doesn’t decide to run it with her son and dog.  Frankly, it’s her neck of the woods.  It really doesn’t matter.  I’ll embrace her, choke back tears when I hold her son, and she’ll clap me on the back–“Way to go, pal.”  So, gross.  A woman who is worth TONS of money, raised a couple of kids, and now is single parenting her own, but can’t be even slightly vulnerable.  This woman who sat in her red, wool coat all night buttoned to the top until she left without saying goodbye when we attended an event that was honestly in the memory of her father.  So driven, yet in the opposite vein, one who runs from raw emotion with the exception of when she makes love.  I’ll never understand her and know that I really don’t know her.

I vow never to be like that.  I don’t want to appear cold.  I’m not formidable, nor am I impervious.  Although I am driven to make a better life for my son and I, I do believe that true love is rare and connection means everything.  Here is to you, sweet girl, wherever you are.  I know that you’re out there and one of my drives to see you; although, I don’t know you or have I yet seen you.

Snow Day

Well, it took until April, but I got it!  I always have these lofty plans that I’m going to work lightly and let my intern hold down the fort, but yesterday we had some stuff come up that only I could address.  I got up at my normal, ungodly hour, checked my email and then my job’s website, and went back to bed.  It’s so great when I can fall back asleep.  My son came in and cuddled me about an hour-and-a-half later.

So, today I’m very happy, because my son is contentedly playing Legos and I’m typing with coffee.  I’m going to make ham and cheese omelets with green onion (And I will have to omit cheese from his, because he doesn’t care for cheese much) and then work some.  But, NOT my day job.  That is closed today as are many city entities.  I won’t even check my email.  It’s not bad in my city though…  I think that most of this storm is where my ex lives.  I’m NOT complaining.  🙂  It is nice to be home, and know that I don’t have anywhere to see clients this evening either.

Our family 5K is this weekend.  We will have to get some sleep on Saturday night because we have to get up really early.  I hope that we don’t have to run into the wind.  I found out on Sunday that I don’t like doing that at all.  Rain is forecasted, so we will need our raincoats and some dry clothes.  I think that there is live music and such afterward.  I’m going to time myself, and then see how much time I can shave off of it six-days later when I run mine solo.  I would like to learn to do 5Ks in 30-minutes and 10Ks in about an hour and fifteen.  That’s my goal.

I’m in that loathing of dry spell mode.  That means that I could go home with a random girl next Saturday.  I hope that I don’t.  My preference is fun social stuff in the daylight with plenty of girls.  That is the good thing about my second 5K, because I will meet a bunch of girls during and after it when we go out for my colleague’s birthday.  I should promise myself to get phone numbers only.  These girls are way younger than me and party a lot.  I outgrew that phase about four-years ago.

I have these strange fantasies wherein I meet a girl at the Art Museum or a book talk.  I’m looking for someone who doesn’t give me shit when I make literary references or when I make jokes that are more metaphorical.  Shane used to tell me how weird I was all the time, and while that’s true, I didn’t like the way that she always had to say it.  My last ex used to give me shit about my use of polysyllabic words, and it was obvious that she was at least slightly bothered that I had made time to continue my education.  I would like to meet a girl who is comfortable where she is, and doesn’t mind that I like music, books, and art.  Peter Pan loved books and music, but she lied about where she was so she could sleep with me.

There have got to be authentic women.  I’m one.  I want to run into one.


More Randomness

I got so very little done this weekend and it’s sad.  It’s already 5:30 am and church girl is coming over for dinner tonight after my son’s dance class.  That means that I have to sweep, mop, vacuum, and clean the bathrooms upstairs.  I’m not in the mind to care much, which is sad, but I will do it.  I couldn’t run much yesterday and my feet are really sore.  I think that my body is kind of against this half marathon, but I will do it.  I’m just old.  My 26-year-old workout partner has a shin splint and says little about it, so I can deal with my bum leg and creaking feet.  It is not going to be easy, but I will finish it.  Then I plan on running only 1 – 2x a week, because it is really hard on knees and other joints.  Glad that I learned how though before I turned 39 🙂

I have to work on my dissertation today.  It’s down to the wire with data collection.  I also need to remake my night client schedule.  This stuff kills the day job, but my intern can hold up the ship today.  I’ll let her know soon and leave her a HeyTell.

We have had so much stress at work.  It’s unreal.  I will get through this week, and am glad to have taken up running, let me tell you.

We are going to get a large snowstorm.  I guess that my prayers for more moisture are working.  Haha.  The birds are talking about it. I guess that “Snow White,” is not all that fictional.  They are sounding pretty riled up already.  I need to cover up the hole our dog dug when she was still a nut puppy, and also spread the rest of the wildflower seeds so they can cold stratify and come up at the end of May.  My backyard is another thing.  Getting grass to grow in sand during a drought is a real treat.

My son’s best friend’s Mom just texted…  She is taking my son for three-hours on Saturday so I can make all the copies of my taxes to send.  I owe so much to this state.  It’s ridiculous.  She is a great friend.

The dog keeps shifting her weight all over my sore and fragile feet.  Nothing like her joints shifting all over the tops of my runner’s feet.  Lovely.  She keeps sighing too.  I think that she knows that today is a workday and will get bored with her puzzle and PB-stuffed, frozen Kong waiting for the dog walker to come.  It’s going to be so nice to only be about 30 – 35 hours away from the house instead of a minimum of 55.  I just have to get through the next 7-weeks.  You can do anything for seven-weeks, and maybe I can start meeting some nice girls too.

Leave the fear

I am going to do some vertical climbing.  I’ve never done it, and am very scared of heights, but it’s guided and was only $50.  I have to wrap my brain around it, but I just don’t believe in living with fear.  I started climbing mountains in 2008, and I have done some ledges and the like in addition to being on all fours when it gets steep, but I have not done vertical….  Yet.

I was driving up a forest road in my old Accord in 2008–it’s actually a very nice car, but I had to give it to my ex out of fairness–and parts of this road were missing at the time.  People kept turning around and I was like, “Nah.”  So I did this weird maneuver around the side of the ditch and then swung the wheel 180-degrees, but I dented the shit out of my oil pan.  It’s not like when you do something like that you can exactly turn around, so I just bombed up, but my car was smoking and lead to my having to repair it later.  The roads were turning from private, to missing, to zoned for parks, to National Forest Roads, so when there was a switchback later and a little driveway, I just turned around.  It was 5:45 in the morning.

I wound up driving around an old mining site and to a paved road, and finally parking low in a pass area.  That is how I completed my first summit, and I did it solo.  It was a much more difficult mountain in terms of technicality at the end and hugging a sawtooth and some scree when you would wind up a bit off trail, but I did it, and I did it completely on my own.  The latter was kinda stupid, so I did wind up climbing with another person after my first summit.

I think that is interesting, because I’m actually terrified of heights, but that’s the whole thing… I don’t believe in being hobbled by our fears.  People say trite stuff like “Face your fears,” but more than that is examining what you can do to pass through them.  I don’t think that when you live somewhere as beautiful as I always have with the exception of when I was in undergrad and my first round of grad school that you should let things that make you anxious rule you.  So, I just don’t.

I have given away my heart and been nakedly vulnerable.  I have completed 11-summits.  I have paddled down a strange river through tree roots and under swampy trees and weird spiders.  I have hung onto the back of a girl on motorcycles and jet skis.  These are not my comfort zones, but I have changed as a result of engaging in these activities.

So, now, in June, I’m going to climb some verticals with equipment.  Ultimately, I will be glad that I tried it.  Face what terrifies you.

I think that the path to being whole is truly being authentic and honest with yourself.  That is so easy to say, but really difficult to work through when you examine and then change.  With being vulnerable and naked with your emotions, it is worth the gamble, because you just change.  I think that when I give the sermon, I would like that to be a thematic tie.  I need to take a peek at my readings and face that fear too.  I speak in public all the time, but don’t have to talk about things that I’m not deep in understanding or require me to connect to my experiences.  But, that is the whole approach to being spiritual right?  It’s not dogmatic, sanctimonious, or does it suggest that one way is right.  It’s scary, but I want to face it like my vertical that is coming up too.

Damn Good

I have had an incredible three-days off.  My Lit Review is drafted and turned in, and I gave my prospectus to my professors too so they can make changes before I get it through IRB.  I’ll call the profs on Friday and see when I can get the whole thing reviewed so I can collect data prior to mid-May.  I think that I only have about ten more pages to write and now I really need the guidance part from faculty who have done this kind of thing before.

I have seen clients and completed evaluations for many years.  I think that not including school, it’s been 13-years.  So, my clinical hours, with the exception of being time consuming are pretty simple for me.  However, I have not written a book.  It’s probably obvious that I write all the time, and do well on papers and such, but putting together all of this stuff for what will be 150 – 200 pages is daunting.  I did write 100-pages in a week, but didn’t actually pass my comps without submitting a revision, so I know that re-writing will be paramount.

When I completed my first grad degree, I piloted a survey and then sent it to practitioners in four states in this region.  I published that study on-line; although, it was solicited by another bound source.  I was simply sick of my topic by then.  I had presented it as a paper in Washington DC at my current profession’s national conference and then was done with it.  I’d prefer to get several articles out of this study while I work on my curriculum that I’m developing.  While I do realize that will happen with this current venture, I know that I’m more part of this topic, because I have had experiences with it for at least 10-years.  Naomi Wolf says, “Do nothing without passion.”  I get that.

Space helped the crush on the girl who is soon to be promised to her girl.  Good for them.  Amidst cultural differences too that would tear them apart if they were “found out.”  This fact is apropos given all the media stuff about partnerships and civil unions.

My ex has been in contact.  She did the Pepsi challenge, and I know that even without her telling me.  She dated a woman who she never would have–a blond–and still had the same things come up in terms of her vicious tongue.  Again, that’s not shocking, and looks are superficial.  I do have to note honestly though that I have only ever been physical with two women with brown eyes.  I like what I like too.  I’ll go to dinner with her in a month and ask what she is going to do about her lack of conflict resolution skills.  I have nothing to lose being that direct.

There is some girl that a girl from work is going to introduce me to next month as well.  I asked when her bday was as that stuff is actually important to me.  I have chemistry with some signs, but it’s fine for people to disagree with that.  In fact, I can pick a Pisces out of a room.  I’m done with that though, and know that my journey is for my BFF’s new son.  You see, he shares Shane’s and my ex-husband’s bday.  He is 42 and 37-years younger to the day than they are.  I can dote on that lil’ guy.

I feel springtime.  I need to pack a few outfits for my boy and I.  In just over an hour, we drop off our dog at the day camp / boarding and then head up to the mountains.  I can’t wait to watch him snowboard.  He seemed excited about it too.  I’ll also look at girls in the lodge and in the little city that we are staying in tonight.  It’s time for me to network with women.  I can feel many things shifting and coming to fruition.  Life is very good.

A little dangerous

My weekend was good all and all.  My friends made us a simply wonderful dinner on Saturday night and hanging with them is always incredible.  I have great friends.  My son got too tired from all the activity on Saturday, so he was a bit grouchy and annoying on Sunday, but today he made up for it.  I love watching his dance class.  I have only rarely missed it–like maybe four times in a year.  He talked my ear off all night otherwise, we had a wonderful dinner and our house is clean and nearly all organized.  I also made a helluva dent in my dissertation shell today.  All very good.

The weekend had a small thing come up…  I was with only one of the girls who made me a dinner a couple of weeks ago (It was the one who actually cooked.) over on Sunday.  She hung out with me for about three-hours too.  I wish that she wasn’t 5’8″, hot, and smart.  We laughed.  She played with my son–which would NOT be occurring if she was a love interest–and we took a walk around the pond and then she did the cutest thing…  She asked to swing with me.  Damn.  Can you say, “CONTRAST?”  So sweet and tender.  It is a bit worse because although I’ve known her a little less than a year, it feels like more because one of my best friends (who now lives in another state) is her BFF.  We just gel and click and I’m so comfortable with her.

I told two friends today that means that I can’t really hang out with just her again.  And, I won’t.

Now, I just really do need a distraction.

I ran finally tonight.  I don’t know how long it’s been since I actually worked out at all.  I’m drinking chicken broth with garlic and cayenne currently.  I could only run a little over a mile.  I had some wicked coughing fits today.  Tomorrow is my A weights, which is probably my least favorite day of the week, so “Yay, me!”  It’s really nice not to have clients tomorrow.  I have to work tomorrow night, but will score and write a report after my son goes to bed.  I don’t have to be away from him which is very nice.

That’s it.  A dirty confession.  Given that I was raised Catholic, it actually makes me feel like shit, but I have never cheated and am not going to start at 38-and-a-half.


We are going out in a slightly larger group than the ones in which I typically go in tonight, and then tomorrow night I’m buying one of my fellow students and soon-to-be MH colleague a couple of drinks for her bday.  Later I’m supposed to meet a couple of friends at a different bar, but I have to run about half an hour after work at the Rec Center, so they will have to meet us where we are starting out.  Then we are going to go over to the other bar.  Before the economy was bad, there were 5 lesbian bars here.  Now there is one and the old owner who used to have two different bars apparently partially manages this one, but does not own it.  Bad economy indeed.

My friend is actually hosting a Happy Hour–I didn’t think that it would materialize.  She wrote the word “lez” in a reply to a post that I made on her Wall, and I was surprised, as I was about the assertion about my having a good networking (Lez) op at happy hour, and apparently she thought that it was a private message.  Hahahahaha!  Happy hour could be really interesting now.  Maybe it will be attended by all men.  I think that is interesting though, as my only complaint about her is that she keeps people around to feel better than them, and writing a post like this, kinda makes that fact public to your friends.

I have said it before and I will make my current intentions public and authentic.  I just want to meet a whole bunch of girls.  I got really burned with my last hook-up in the summer because the girl lacked integrity and was Peter Pan.  I would prefer to spend time with a whole bunch of girls at once over the next five-months or so and then just see which one is looking for an exclusive dating situation and is sexy, funny, smart and balanced.  I do think that connections grow from other people.

Unfortunately, about eighteen-months ago, I had gotten out of a very weird two-year, and met a unique woman who is now my ex.  See I had just been hooking up with the drunk, then this other girl told her that they had to go exclusive and she caved.  I never spoke to her again.  Sound familiar?  I have amazing boundaries with exes.  Then when she contacted me NYE and I read her text NYD, I thought it romantic.  I was in a low place at that point too.  That lasted a month and then ultimatum girl was back in the picture.  The latter started to hurt, but it distracted me from the fact that when she and I spent time together, she was often drunk.  When she moved, I wanted to be done.  She charmed me.  Again, another pattern that I have.  I flew around for a year!

So, now, I want to perhaps meet some girls through others, but don’t want to date for sometime.  I want to hang out and be outside, listen to tunes, communicate, and eat and play cards.  Seriously!  I like to sit and play board games when you have had a whole long time out in the snow or the like.  I need to be upfront and honest about my lack of trust given the Peter Pan.  She introduced herself to me as a teacher and let that lie ride for over two months.  I plan on also using my keen skills of observation while I’m meeting girls.  We shall see how the path to my next girlfriend unfolds.

I have a day completely off tomorrow

I should probably take my dog on a long hike again on Saturday.  I need to think and she needs to run and get crazy.  Although I should have never let her off-leash, it was beautiful on Christmas Day.  With an entire day off, I should spend some of it at higher elevations.

It’s weird to spend as much time as I did second guessing myself.  I like to think that I’m “over” my childhood, but I obviously am not if I’d let a woman treat me like shit because she had a bad year.  I’m very sorry that my ex lost her father and that does the single parenting thing with a toddler.  I started the latter when he was 21-months old, and it is really rare–happens once or twice a year–for him to be away more than two days and that only is twice a month.

I have had my thoughts and have done some soul searching stuff. She deserves to find someone who can tolerate her moods.  And I do think that it is possible that when she meets her future partner, she will just be less critical of her.  Even with reflecting, it is not ok to say the things that she does to me even though she is grieving and has a tough road.  That’s displacement, and I want a partner who can say when she is angry or hurting instead of attacking.

I have a business meeting and then I have supervision over lunch today.  Afterward, I need to motor at home to get it straightened completely.  A friend from high school is in town tonight so I’ll go out for a little bit.  I was out a little last night as well because my friend needed my support given her husband’s health.  He has had one surgery and will probably need chemo.

I want to meet my next girlfriend through connections or activities if possible.  I’m really an avid hiker and don’t bike too much when it’s this cold.  The first day it is 50 and it falls on one of my weekends, I will bike to one of the reservoirs, but for right now, I’ll do my stationary one.  I still try to lift 3-times a week too, so I know that I have some good habits to take me through the Winter.

I loved her so deeply.  We had that passionate, animalistic love in addition to that connection thing that keeps convo going and interesting, but we never really had a commitment.  She had one foot out and the other one merely tested the waters.  I’m not looking for a life commitment within a year, but I’m not looking for a rollercoaster ride either.  Life is like that anyway, so you don’t want your relationship to be part of the lurching and scariness, but rather you want the belt to ground you.  I’m going to take time and seek something good.

Been on the run

I have been within the walls of insanity for three-years, which is at least partially why I have attracted dynamic, but unstable, in my last two love relationships.  I quit a job so I wouldn’t get fired by a psychopathic boss who fires about 60% of her staff every two-years, started a new job and very different position, was in another grad program to maintain employment while my doctoral requirements changed and I had to continue the program while being concurrently enrolled in the former.  Oh, and I’m a single parent, and I have aging parents and have had to take my Dad in for two different procedures during one school year.  I’ve yielded so many lessons, but mostly I know that I want to be treated consistently well, and to work on conflict healthily.  I don’t want rancor.

I stepped out of this one forever a little over a month ago, and I am glad that I finally fell completely in love and gave my whole heart to a woman.  I loved being vulnerable.  I loved looking into her eyes and telling her that I love her.  That made me realize the possible.  Having raised another woman’s two kids when she was a young adult, she also taught me to use time wisely for family connection.  I pre-cook now, and we walk our dog at night nearly every night so we can talk about the day.  I also keep my body in tip top shape.  Those are pretty powerful lessons and I am grateful to her for those.

With my ex of two years, I learned that you should be treated well all the time and be held first thing in the morning and before you go to sleep no matter what the day yielded.  I also learned more about water and I will always love it as a result of being with her.  I loved too her love of my son, which was much greater than her love of me.  I just don’t think that love would have been enough for her to ever stop drinking.

I journaled (in pen) about a poet, hiker, and a beer drinker.  I guess I would trade all the dynamic qualities in the world for stable and easy.  I have a crush on my son’s guitar teacher.  I just like her way.  I’m not into str8 girls like my last two ex’es though, so it is an innocent crush.  I’m just looking for mellow, but caring and open.  I don’t want some girl who hides herself or is scared of emotion.  My lil’ FB that I had this summer is so scared of vulnerability that she only tells lovers what she tells everyone.  I think that is what many of us are like until we become adults and realized that we are worthy of deep love.  I know that I am.