I worked through a lot of things in this blog, and so I am not going to write here any longer. I’ll leave it up for another year, and then will take it down. I’m going to start a brand-new blog as me. I happily abandon dating, despair, pretending that I can work with women with whom I’m not compatible, and needing self-of-therapist activities nearly everyday. I thank all of my readers and those who stopped by to Like a post. I appreciate everything that you imparted to me over the last two-years. It’s now time for me to write anything that I want to as myself.
Tag Archives: Vulnerable
Adjustments
We’ll be making them winter through the spring, I would imagine. I’m excited to sleep with her every night and not just for physical reasons, but because I wake up a lot earlier when she is not here because I wonder what she’s doing. It is nice that we both sleep well next to each other given our level of trust that we have for each other.
I had a long day yesterday. I wasn’t done with work until 6 and then I had to drive to our church because my son had to learn his percussion part for the Christmas services. The woman with whom I had that emotional affair was there and she looked tired given that she is going through a brutal divorce. At the end of the night, I hugged her super tight and told her that I was sorry. I’m not sure that she has been held like that. It made me think that my partner and I have something really special. We hold each other tight all the time, and I don’t think that is something that everyone gets.
Apparently, the woman who my partner had half-heartedly tried to date exclusively who she met when she was ending her relationship called her last night too. I was thinking that it was probably around the time that I had hugged the woman at church. She told me that she would have to call me back when I called her because this woman was really sick. When I say that it’s not because she is having surgery, but it’s because she has a condition that is degenerative. While that is really too bad, I was fuming. I don’t want her calling my partner because she had every chance in the world to treat her right and was awful.
I told my partner that it was a weird boundary and was gamey. I asked her to text her that I needed her tonight and that she should reach out to her friends. I guess that she had told her that the news was so awful that she wanted to tell her instead, because they “weren’t in each other’s lives anymore.” Whatever. You had your chance, and you were a shit who wanted side relationships, so there you are. You got nothing. And honestly, it’s because your foundation was nothing but some open stuff that my partner needed to get space between her and her serious girlfriend–who also called her last night.
I remember nights that I’ve had like this one. You know when your exes would come out of the woodworks and try to connect with you, and typically it was when I was either dating someone new or having some shifts within myself that propelled me toward wake-ups within myself. I think that when you’ve been physically intimate with someone more than once, you have a collective of energy between you that can result in universal shifts when you are having new experiences. That is an adjustment as well.
Here is what I took away that was new:
- We honestly don’t fight
- My partner is the nicest person who I know
- She has fewer exes than me because girls would never want to let her go
- I’m looking forward to learning how to encourage her to make this relationship work for her
- Timing does it’s own thing and you cannot wield it directionally
Reflections
I only have three-days of work left and then I go on a fairly long vacation. It will be nice, given the disruptions to my doctoral process, and because I’m adjusting to my new life. I’m thinking about how grateful I am again this morning, because I have begun my life with a woman who simply fits into mine by just moving into it. She doesn’t ask me to defend the way that I do things, but gently comes forward and is accommodating rhythms that we had, yet she adds to them. Enhancement and comfort is her way and I love it.
I read over my About page on WordPress and realized that it can’t be reworked. I just need to rewrite it because everything that I’m doing is so new. I have this amazing partner whose pictures still make me say, “My God, she is so hot,” and yet given our intimate connection when we talk, laugh, and make love, I know that I will not ever date again. I’m glad too, because I was really sick of dating.
She’s mine. I can’t believe that, but she is truly mine. (These kind of assertions make me realize that I will never be Buddhist.)
Tomorrow night we will finally get our tree. We didn’t sleep together last night, but of course we talked, and I was able to sleep well this time even without her with me last night. I just sleep better with her there. I never had a solid night of sleep with my ex. I guess one time we slept late–until 8–in my bed, but she was so wound up all the time and also needed the tv on so that she could distract herself into falling asleep. We were just incompatible.
When someone is as gentle as my partner is, you just relax, get warm and sleep. After talking to me, she was able to get me where she can when we are in bed together. I was just warm and drifting off to sleep. I appreciate her way. I’m lucky to bask in her light and love.
My slow path to introversion
My Dad moved us all the time. I went to five elementary schools. I think that there were a total of 13 different rentals that we lived in prior to buying our house, and in a universal sick thing, my brother was killed after we had lived in the house that was bought just a bit over a year. I think that everyone’s childhood is a bit messed up, so I don’t think that I have the corner market, but I sure have changed now that I’m middle aged.
My son asked me last night how many years I have left, and having seen a Vedic Astrologer in 2008, I just told him that number and then I realized that I have fewer left than I’ve had. I have changed the basic structure of my personality too, which certainly gives me pause. I’ve also become less dominant in general.
I had to make new friends all the time. So, I talked to everyone, but I also listened. I developed the persona that I could talk to anyone, and I did. I think that this particular trait came in handy especially when I was selling software or CDs. (I loved that job at the record store.) I participated in class, I did forensics, I sought some leadership positions, and in college, I realized that I was only a mediocre actor, so I began *attending* the theater instead of trying out. I figured, at the time, that was my litmus test. I was truly an extrovert, because I wasn’t a good actor. It was interesting to me that contrary to most popular beliefs, actors are introverted.
I was talking with my partner last weekend after I did the announcements at church. I stumbled a bit in the earlier morning service and found the crowded 11:00 am service much easier. She figured it was practice effects, and I told her that while that was true, much of it was crowd size. Larger group, easier for me to feel less pressure and intimacy.
So, that’s it. I was terrified of deep intimacy and being isolated. I moved to a minuscule town in the midwest for my first grad degree and if I didn’t teach that day and participate in class, I heard no human voice, as those were the days of calling cards and land lines for long distance. I got much better at being alone, and then I got really good at being alone when I booted out my ex-husband, had my coming out affair, and many friends stopped interacting with me. These days, I talk to a new person if I have to, but mostly I work. On nights like last night, I miss the lanky swell of my partner’s body in our bed. I can connect deeply, openly, and honestly with her. But, that’s about all that I want, because I don’t want an entourage, but seek things that help my family be solid and happy.
Conflict and Timing
We don’t have them. A little more than a month ago, I had intended to explore fully a more solid friendship than I had with my partner. So, after my latest dating stint ended, I texted a woman with whom I had an emotional affair, and then my one-who-got-away. She didn’t get away. She’s my partner. We are going to get engaged in December.
I have not fought well or communicated well with my girlfriends. To date, I have not had a fight with my partner. There was a moment when we could have fought and fought badly. Instead she asked me some honest questions and cried a little. I sat on it for a couple of days, made a plan, did all of it, and asked her if my decision was ok. And it was for her. We just get each other and respect each other as well. We did a communication meeting last night, and we decided that what we really do well is talk about things which are difficult and be nakedly vulnerable. I know that is a good start.
At work today, my office partner who also works with kids and families in mental health told me that she saved the very first chat that she had over old school IM with her now husband. She said that the whole thing is embarrassing to both of them now, because they were trying to show favorable sides to each other.
I liked that my partner also saved our original exchanges. About three weeks ago, my partner made a document in Word called, “_______ and ______: A Lovestory,” and it started with my first FB message which said, “Nice to finally meet you in person, _______ .” I told her that I wanted to help her move so she could see how strong I was. At that point, nearly 18-months ago, I was off with my ex and stayed off until that August when we tried to date for two months. I would have loved to dated my partner, but we weren’t in the right places.
It begs the question, would she and I be fighting if we didn’t wait for our moment? I’ve loved her since those damn swings, and I have been thinking that she was intriguing from the first time I saw her picture when our mutual friend showed me her years ago. I can’t believe that we are together. We get along extremely well and have spent most days together recently. She’ll be back tomorrow and in a wonderful sense of synchronicity, the friend who is responsible for us being together, is in town and having dinner at our house. That is good timing too.
Happened
It’s kinda scary when it finally happens. You find someone who doesn’t criticize you when you don’t do something right and who supports you, because she actually does believe that love is unconditional. I can remember my ex always saying, “Love isn’t enough,” and it really rankled me, because 1) I believe that it is, and 2) It was a harsh piece of evidence that she was breaking up with me from the get-go. Not a way that I’d want to live.
I’m liking:
- Care and consideration
- Warm cuddles when we are together
- All the endless laughter about everything
- The way that she has always connected, and continues to connect with my son
- Our amazing sex life
- The way she treats and interacts with my son
- What we are building
- How much she nurtures and takes care of me
- When she sings and plays instruments
- Her eyes, body, mouth
That’s enough and more than I could have ever asked for. I used to just want sexy, smart, and consistent. Now, I’m with my dream.
She told me that she hasn’t really slept next to her girlfriends
We had an incredible night the night before last. She’s been having some stomach aches that are deep. There was a woman in a few of my grad classes when I first started this doctoral program who also had a NIA license, and she explained how when your middle chokra is off, you have been too affected by change. My girlfriend told me that when I’m next to her, and holding her, that her stomach actually feels good. It has been hurting for months, and she has had to change her diet. When my son and I were leaving her house on Thursday, she said, “Now, my stomach is hurting again and when we were laying down together it was fine, so I guess that means that I am not supposed to stop cuddling you.” I always wanted to cuddle her. When my friend told me that she would be moving home, I looked at her FB and thought that she was so incredibly sexy, and then when I met her a few months later, my attraction to her was obvious. Now, I need to know who she is and what she desires.
I’m learning about her. She allows me to nurture and support her and doesn’t start tripping. That makes me so damn happy, because I have had other girlfriends in the past that didn’t want me to do anything, and would freak the hell out when I did things that are normal for me–cook, put their jacket on, open a door, help them up, write out little cards, etc. I’ve talked with her about it, and she sees it as willing to truly believe in your heart that you are worthy and deserve good treatment. I don’t struggle with that as much anymore. That is why I have not stayed with my last two full-on girlfriends, and the woman who I had just dated. If you wanna go back and forth, get on a see saw. If you’re not sure about me, I’ll just help you out and you can watch my little ass adjourn forever.
I understand that she wants to build something with a woman with whom she has a strong emotional, spiritual, and sexual connection, but I am hungry for understanding what she dreams about, and how she sees herself in two years. Because I really just want to say, “Get a job down here. Move in. Let’s make a baby next fall,” and that is super frightening, I tend toward, “Let’s take this whole year and learn how to understand and communicate. Let’s take a peek into what we both want next fall.” Plus, she has a wonderful life where she is, so we need an understanding of how we should compromise as a couple.
Last night when we talked on the phone, we were talking about our night together. We ate salmon, basmati, and asparagus. Then I put the lentils that I had made for her with onions, garlic, celery, and carrots in a pyrex with a lid with a note on them. I really don’t want her stomach to hurt anymore, so I have been cooking healing foods. We talked a ton over dinner, cleaned up just a little, and then adjourned to the bedroom. We made love for about 3-hours. Then we slept, and did so pretty damn well. She told me that she didn’t know if she’d be comfortable with me all night, and that she had never prior–although she has had partners with whom she has cohabited–slept well next to her girl. ❤
Pandora
I stream it all the time. However, I do think that making love to her tonight will be like opening a lot of doors, windows, and perhaps breaking through walls. She is going to come over very soon. She is dog sitting though and can’t spend the night. I have class first thing in the morning, which will be difficult because I didn’t sleep much this week. Yesterday and today were also a complete wash at work, because all I could do was think about her.
Being able to delay it anymore was not an option anyway, because last night we made out for most of the night and lost where we were. I could barely muster enough gumption to finally leave, and got home super late and as a result got very little sleep. I know that you just can’t keep that up waiting for sex when you are kissing like we were and have that much chemistry. Then there is this whole backdrop to our relationship wherein I had the love at first sight nearly a year-and-a-half ago, and she felt my energy even before I had fully entered the house then. She remembered the month, what I had in my hands, and then the way that she felt. I told her that a woman as beautiful as her who had a brand-new girlfriend was irritating to me. The irritation grew as I realized how easily we talked and how compatible we were over the course of the next year.
Now, we have talked about what we both want, and that is building something with each other. I’m not even scared, because she is so different than any woman who I have been with, and seems to be seeking laughter, being open, having a spiritual connection to the world and to want someone who is affirmative and attracted to who she is. She is smoking hot and completely sexy. We laughed so hard last night that the deepest muscles in our stomachs ached. We talked about everything under the sun. God and how journeys unfold was a topic that came up organically as we made a meal in her little kitchen. From the minute we embraced in her living area and I could feel her against me, I felt more passion than I can remember. I whispered in her ear, “The women who you have been with are completely crazy. I would never have a moment when I didn’t want to have sex with you.” She laughed and started kissing me.
I’m a little bit scared about the sexual intimacy. I have to admit that. I know that I’m good in bed, but it’s been forever–nearly 11-months–and these stakes are so high. It shall also yield NEVER going back. It also will solidify that we are falling in love. We will have changed and I will crave her even more than I already do.
Balance 8.22.08
I can’t believe that I wrote this entry five-years ago. Until I reached the age that I am right now, I had no idea what people meant when they talked about how quickly time passes. Five-years… This one is a re-blog, but I want to look at it, because I feel as if I am finally getting my balance with where I’m headed in my life.
Balance. Do we even know what the hell this word means? I cannot believe the way in which everything is overdone: work, activity, even the way in which we approach relationships. I’m kinda sick–I sneezed and my nose ran all day to day, but it was a decided improvement upon the incessant headache and sinus pressure that I’ve had for over two weeks. When colds finally hit me, I feel a sense of release that is foreign. I think it’s because I don’t actually let go too well. Americans even take Yoga about 3 times a week to practice “letting go.” Isn’t that utterly ludicrous?!? How the hell do you practice that? People talk about moderation, but I’m sure that I have not mastered it.
I am going to hike with my son tomorrow. Desiring grocery shopping is not what I would call part of my evening, but it is necessary. I may hook up with my friend and her son, but am cool if I don’t. I am cool with most things these days. I have to be…
I would like to have some physical intimacy… Would I overdo that? I think that my goal is to actually ensure that I am varying my activities and letting things unfold as they should. I’m sure that I’ve said these statements before, but they are starting to make increasingly more sense to me. I think that I understand that I need to be patient with myself to fully listen to others who I truly love.
PS. I get it. I understand what balance is too, as I have let go of extremity and fervor. It’s little smatterings of the things that I used to enjoy more than I do now, and connecting to those who have an energy level that matches mine. Enjoying whatever unfolds without expectation is helping me too. No poison. I’m not anyone’s therapist who knows me either.
I am not overdoing sexual intimacy, and in fact, I am not able to overdo connecting with my current girlfriend either based on what she has going on in her life as she focuses on strengthening and balancing her energy. I’m not overdoing anything right now, but I must embrace that as I have come to center, that I can connect with people only when it makes sense.
Honest
She had to cancel on being in my bed with me tonight, but I completely understand. I will miss her smell and softness when I retire in a little bit, but I get why she can’t be around people anymore tonight. She needs to take care of herself so she can take care of her boys too.
Something that I left out of the Thursday entry that I had written last was that she got probably five phone calls while we cooked and got the boys organized. One included a conversation with her father and it was an intense relaying of some of what she is going through right now. It’s too much. She respectfully left out details that would have been alarming to him as well. I was shocked that we had dinner together and that she ever texts or emails or gets on my FB during the week at all. It made me feel loved to see that.
I feel important. I feel respected. I feel like we could be building something with a permanence, and that part doesn’t scare me. I’m scared about doing right by her.
She had a truly horrible day. It can’t even be written about, because it’s unreal.
My last three have just included too much running around in favor of being productive. I like to get things done, and haven’t been able to very well over the last three days. I’ve kind of felt like I’m just spinning my wheels, but it’s just stress. It’s not anything bad. She teased me relentlessly about it and then helped me reframe it. I think much of it is that I’ve been around lots of people too often and my son has been getting over being ill, so that means that he’s crabby. Nothing has been bad, I’ve just felt kinda pulled around and not able to get work completed.
I held her as tight as I could while being reasonably sure that I was not hurting her back. I felt her tears on my cheeks. I was moved on a deeper level than I can remember too. Again, I feel important and loved.
Finally, we both were unwinding and she wanted to watch some tv. I asked if we could read. She read all the cartoons in her favorite periodical, and laughed so many times that I had a large grin on my face. There was one in particular that was very odd, and was my sense of humor exactly. My sense of humor borders on bizarre and is definitely droll and strange. When she showed me it, I was surprised how she knew something instinctively about me.
We didn’t get very physical. I had to tell her that I’m at a point wherein I’m nervous about making love to her, and I told her that I think that part of that trepidation is an energetic thing that vibes from her. She talked to me about being ready at some point and realizing how excited that she was to see me when she was driving home, but that did not include sex, and I said, “I really don’t think we should. We are both sexual people, but the thing is that it shouldn’t be planned and should just be an organic development when we both are moved that way. It’s going to be a big thing when it happens.” I’m not ready either.
She told me some other things from her experiences too. I think that I’m starting to really get where she is right now, and it’s funny that the timing is in our favor from both standpoints. After awhile I just said completely easily, “Listen, ______ , I love you and I want you to know that.” She said without skipping a beat, “I love you too.” There was a pause and then she added, “It’s real too.” I told her that it certainly is for me too, and I would not have said it had I not meant it completely. She said, “I know.”
Who needs to fight?
I told her that I had my quota when she said that I would fight with her in the grocery store. That’s honest too. One, why the hell would you fight in the grocery store? I love food, eating, walking, and she is someone who I love to talk to or simply just hang out with and do whatever. I’m perverse at times, so I pointed out three different couples who were talking and sauntering about the grocery store. Finally, as we neared the back of the store yesterday, there was a couple–two girls–who were visibly arguing and having lots of tension in the grocery store. I wanted to pass them quickly, but she is pretty observant. So, when I saw her see them, I made a plan.
We exited the aisle and I said, “Ok. I do realize that was the only gay couple who we’ve seen today and they were fighting,” and then she does what she does. Her head tilts back and she laughs hard. It always makes a warm smile drift across my face and most of the time, I start laughing too, or I just hug her. Then she pulled me to her, kissed me and said, “See? People fight in the grocery store.” I told her, “I don’t want to,” but as is the case with her, I had a huge smile across my face.
There is more. We could have had conflict around my misunderstanding about evenings and dinners–it was something that just didn’t sit well with me earlier in the week–as she was busy all week and we couldn’t see each other easily or could we talk. Instead, we went outside after 5 on Saturday when the boys were engaged in boy things, and she talked to me about what a team is, and what a new girlfriend is and how it’s always her desire for me to express my needs or just be honest with all of my feelings when I don’t want to do something or simply just can’t easily. Also, as I guess she just is, she was nakedly vulnerable with me about her last two relationships and what she believes about independence.
So, as it turned out, I didn’t have to have, or even request a discussion. We just organically talked about where we were with respect to our relationship, and what could be a compromise on seeing each other during the week when it works easily. OK. Wow. I’m sure that some of you have read “discussions” that I had with my ex. Or should I say my trying to bring things up, and then feeling like I was in a duck and cover drill?
Preparing for fallout (with my ex)
I don’t think it’s realistic for me to try to avoid to make comparisons based on contrast. She is so different than anyone who I’ve been with over the last four years. She is easy and genuine, and an enviable adult when it comes to communication. It think that it’s safe to say that I love this woman, and she has admitted that she thinks that she loves me too. I can’t wait until there is one of those right moments and I can just say, “I love you.” Because, I do, and I think that I have met my match.
We wound up making out in her bathroom about three times yesterday. I was helping her with her hair. We got really physical. She is the most affectionate of anyone who I have been with, and that combined with how attracted I am to her makes it difficult not to go further than we should yet. I love her eyes, mouth, and body. It’s a wicked attraction, and I’ll admit that I have never been this comfortable with a woman either. We can talk, we can sit, we can make meals together, or we can have conversations that are rooted in compromise. I think all of these things make it safe to say that I’m going to be in love for the first time with someone with whom I could make something work.
My Horizon
Occupational Hazards
I fear the question, “What do you do?” when I’m dating a new woman. And, I had erroneously thought that my new gf knew what I did, because I have known her for 10-years. But she didn’t and she said, “Oh. Wow. What makes THAT appeal to you?”
There is a gamut of responses:
- What am I thinking right now?
- I actually have no idea, because I’m not clairvoyant
2. How fucked up are you that you went into that?
- It’s just what I do for a living because I was interested in psychology
3. So, do you just diagnose your friends and everyone around you?
- No, I am not working right now, but now that you mention it, paranoia anyone?
4. How does it not bother you?
- In that way, I’m kinda like a guy and when I’m done with work and leave the building or office, I don’t take anything home.
5. I could NEVER do what you do, because I could not be around people. How do you do that?
- I don’t hang out with anyone long who needs group 🙂
However, my career has affected my dating, and I’m not going to pretend that it hasn’t. She and I need to talk. She is sweet and tender and honestly would never do anything to hurt anyone or is she motivated out of cruelty. However, because of my ex baggage, that I really need to honor, I crave consistent. I need some ground rules around it too. I had to call my workout partner and took a solo walk to take a picture of a tree that had probably 7 different shades of red on it, because at that point I had to clear my head. How can something that we said on Thursday be a trigger on Monday morning? No one is born knowing how to treat you, and when you have conflict you are equally culpable for engaging in it.
My workout partner said, “______ , you have had a really bad day, so that’s effecting the situation. And you know stuff that is going to come up because of _____ , so you don’t have to tell that whole story, but as stuff comes up, you owe it to both of you to talk through those things so they can improve. Don’t jump to conclusions. Have a conversation.”
I realized that although I took two months longer than what relationship and family therapists say you should take after a relationship that because I have had no relationship, I had no idea what would be triggered in a new one. What I mean is that I was with my ex off and on for 15-months and I didn’t kiss anyone or even seriously consider a girl for nine-months, so I just needed a new relationship to see what has affected me longterm. I did wait more than half the time of our whole relationship, but I had to be in relationship to see what I have become.
Well, now I go to how WYSIWYG you are right away. And that’s not it. My artist has been naked vulnerable about who she is and what goes on for her. It’s really my turn to tell some of that, which will include the impact of the only two times that I have been in love. I guess that I’ll start that convo here.
Possibilities
Anything is possible when you’re seeing a woman who sees the best in everyone, and she is willing. She wants to explore, and that matches well up with what I have read and heard one of my gurus state, and that is “loving fully without guarantees.” I like that it will develop more slowly, because there is nothing that is crazy-making about a steady and slower pace. I know that I shouldn’t spend too much time on contrast, but she is so different than previous relationships. I’m lucky.
- She drives to me even when she has had a 10-hour day and her back is sore and compressed.
- She is smart and loves to read and write all kinds of things, but each one of them is thought-provoking or somehow poignant.
- She is sweet, tender and gentle.
- She is funny, and laughs easily and fully. (Her laughter never fails to make me laugh or smile widely.)
- She wants to be with me, and is willing to see what can work out
I know that it is not particularly healthy to contrast women who you’ve been with, but I just did a lot of that this weekend. I rarely had my ex-gf down to my house, and in fact, she would complain about my house all of the time too, as I’m not anal or is mine a newer one. I live in a 50s ranch with a finished basement and the neighborhood has established trees in the front yards, and my floors are hardwoods. I actually love my house so I found that insulting.
She read self-help and new age. She was critical and quick to anger. We stopped laughing. My workout partner and I read and shredded her cards that she gave to me fall through about February of 2012 on Saturday. Even the first few were full of tired and trite phrases and terms of endearment. She is really just all about marketing and taglines. There also were a couple that said stuff like, “I appreciate the things that you’ve given me, and I’m sorry that I can’t lean on you while I’m going through tough times.”
There isn’t much that is similar between these women with the exception that they have been on their own since teenage, and have had a lot of strife throughout their lives. One found a way to embrace joy, and the other found a way to craft a world wherein emotions are kept at bay and people are controlled. I can tell you which one makes me feel like anything is possible.
Communication and “Stuff”
I know that inadequate or misinterpreted communication has been the kiss of death with me and the ending of all my relationships. However, I didn’t realize until yesterday that my ex has kinda fucked up the way that I see people and what I will tolerate from anyone as well. There are things to reflect on and try to alter slowly.
My friend connected me and my artist, if I’m being honest. It would have been circuitous and next to impossible to talk with her had I waited on one of my best friends to connect us, and as I have written earlier, I would have never had the guts to approach her anyway. I have noticed this past weekend, however, that she like most drop-dead beautiful women who has her own stuff relative to the way that she sees herself. I’m sure much of that comes from what Ani says, “And everyone harbors a secret hatred for the prettiest girl in the room.” I digress.
To be concise, my friend, who connected us, slowly cancelled plans over the course of Saturday.
My birthday was somewhat challenging, and the experience relates to my Saturday this weekend. I was juggling a book, leftover soup, and my wallet. I had left my cell in my car. While trying to hug my parents and our friends, I asked my son to hold my wallet, and he did, but when we got home, it was gone. I called the restaurant. I went to the parking lot, and then I called my friend who’s been in my life for 12-years and we searched my car with flashlights. She was cool and nice and said, “I’ll withdraw cash, we will buy you a new wallet for your bday, and we will get together Saturday night and make sauce and have girl time.” She is a big promiser. It’s just her thing.
With her too, you can’t always be sure much will actually come to fruition, because her life always has roadblocks and things that she deals with constantly. For example, I was SHOCKED when she and I did a long summit which was over 15-miles this past July. She has been “climbing” with me for years, but it did actually happen, and we completed a summit this past summer. That’s good. Dinner did not happen on Saturday, and that’s not shocking. I got a text from her early in the morning saying sorry that she didn’t check in on Friday and that she probably had to cancel cooking because she had a friend coming. I said, “Let’s all get together,” and then when my artist asked what I was doing on Saturday, we both felt like we didn’t want to be apart after I left to watch my son’s game.
In summary, I was hanging out with my artist and her youngest son on Saturday morning and it was obvious that she was thinking that she should join, and I wanted it too. So, I texted my old friend and she said, “Of course.” All day she got more lukewarm on our plans in general. Then late in the afternoon that became a complete cancellation due to a “bad mood.” I honestly think although she denies it, there is some jealousy here, which I confronted head-on. She has a child boy toy who is 17-years her junior who now has a gf and has dropped off the face of the earth, and I am currently dating her friend of nearly 25-years.
We couldn’t have a rational conversation about the way the cancellation went down and it was all weird. She cussed and used exclamation points via text. TRIGGER. I realized our conversation was completely unproductive so I asked her to table it, and she went into MY ISSUES. I have some for sure, but the whole thing was odd and was based on the time that I had to cancel hers and my plans when I didn’t have a penny to my name for ingredients for us to cook with, or for screen patches that we were going to use to do a home repair. One time that I cancelled. I’m not getting into that. Space is better.
I can’t text fight. I can’t read cussing, which is directed at me, and exclamation points. I feel badly being brushed aside and really was upset that these plans being cancelled effected my son, and my artist’s youngest kids. These feelings all result from dealings with my ex during 2012. I have really high standards now with respect to how I will be treated and what I’ll tolerate. I’m not going to her house again and I am not getting in touch with her. It was toxic. (If she wants to hang out again, we can do stuff at my house. She never comes over here and was furious that I dropped off DVDs and told her that I’m not her boy toy. I actually said, “I’m not ____ .” I still know that there is something more than wanting to be alone here, but she doesn’t want to talk about it, so I’ll just take space from her.)
I wound up bringing food to my artist’s place that I bought thinking that we were going to BBQ at our mutual friends’ house. I bought stuff that was kinda difficult to cook indoors, but we made it work. After dinner, which was fun and some games with our boys, we did the dishes and talked. She grabbed me from behind at my waist and her fingertips were in my spine and she said, “Now, that is a nice spot.” I haven’t been touched by anyone the way that she touches me.
I have a pretty assertive presentation, so unless you are physical with me, you don’t note that my dynamic is also one of “green light” waiting for signs or first moves. That is just me. I certainly would not have made out with her in her dining room while we were setting the table, or would I have felt the muscles in her low back. When you run, those get really tight and defined. I certainly noticed them on my ex, and it felt great to have her notice mine on me given that I have worked really hard since March of 2012 to get into good shape and stay healthy. After I stopped pressing her against her sink and burying my head in her hair, we played a game. We laughed hard.
Before I left, I told her that I know that when I was writing here and in my journal as well that it was like a soul reach. I know it is her with whom I’d like to explore a relationship. I told her that I waited for her. After the night waned and morning came, these assertions resulted in her feeling scared. She told me, which is good. But what I don’t get is why it scared her. She started these things with emailing me back after the wedding and said, “Not to scare you, but I have only seen that expression in one photograph of me and it was when I was with my ex and I was in love, but trying to hide my affections.” OK. Then she wrote the most genuinely loving message on my FB wall on Thursday for my bday with the words “love and kisses” in it. OK. She told all of her boys, her sister who is local, and her Dad that we are dating. OK. So, I told her where I am, and it scared her.
What was my result? I figured that she does “push and pull,” and that we don’t work. So, after church, I rode 20-miles on my road bike. That helped. Then doing laundry and cooking dinner for my workout partner helped even more. I just need to have this tough conversation. It will have to be this weekend if we do take my son away, or at a later date, but this stuff is ripe and should not be buried because I do know that letting it lie can lead to resentment. I don’t know how to have these conversations. I still struggle with whether or not I deserve to stay in relationship. My ex has fucked me up and I let her.
Love and Gratitude
I am 39 today. That seems like an important birthday.
I’m going to try to call her and see if my Dad will cook dinner for me. He really wants me to see his old professor friend who is in town only tonight–this guy teaches at American. I will make an effort to drive over there; although, I don’t have much gas and don’t know if I have any money in my account. It would help me get my son fed too, and because my Dad is stable, and has been for four-years, my son has a wonderful relationship with him that I am glad to get to see.
My father called me twice yesterday when we were meeting with large team regarding a hold that was put on a child who was unsafe. I had to work really late as a result, and my cold took over my body. That meant that I had little energy, so I took my son out to eat quick Chinese and then we traipsed around a used book store that we like. I’m still on the prowl for a Disney anthology from the early 60s that has an abstracted version of “Old Yeller” and “Toby Tyler” in it. I couldn’t find it last night, and I still have no idea why my aunt won’t let me have the copy that I read all the time that my grandmother had. Who knows? Now, I still need to meet with my Boss (I was way too sick last night), as I was supposed to last night, but couldn’t because I felt really sick. I need to get that scheduled in the next five days so I can keep up with my dissertation.
My artist is a good difference and contrast to any of these things. My son embraced her so tightly in church on Sunday when he came back to us and left Sunday school. I miss her. I know that I saw her Sunday, but I really miss her and last Thursday was such a powerful date.
She has admitted to me that she has not made it 7-years with anyone. I have not had anything approximating serious less those two different relationships that I had during the years of 2009 through 2012. Those were short though. Both were about two-years, but had break-ups in them, so they don’t feel sustained enough to actually call them longterm relationships. I can’t imagine where I’ll be in 7-years. I’m just setting weekly goals right now.
My goal today is to get ahold of her for a few minutes on the phone. I’d like to ask a boring question regarding her custody arrangement with her little boys. Mine is basic. I have him always less every other weekend. She knows that. She also knows that I have love and gratitude for her. I sent her a CD and wrote a love letter in it. I didn’t say, “I love you,” because I want to say that someday in the future, in person and unplanned. I did say many things that I love about who she is though. I also wrote a paragraph about my gratitude for her opening this door for us, because I know that with a woman this beautiful, that I may have not been able to do so even with the knowledge that she is bi. She was touched by the letter and CD. I’m glad, because my workout partner cautioned against this effort and gesture. I’m just doing what is in my heart right now, and following my passion.
Naked
I have to admit how scared I am. I need to talk to her about it. Tomorrow may not be the best time, but maybe my son would play Wii or watch Netflix after church. I will have to gamble with my heart… Again. I’ve done it twice. I looked at her in 2005 and then touched her hand, and knew that I’d avoid her, but then we had to work together. Here is what I wrote:
“Why did she fall into the chair next to mine in August of 2007? Who knows… Because our journey unfolds and we cannot effect or alter it.”
That ended so painfully.
I don’t even think that when I was in the throws of the aftermath mess of my ex that it remotely held a candle to that level of heartbreak that I felt in 2008. I fell in love again four-years later after my fall of 2007. That sitch was probably built on bullshit though, as I’m learning, but regardless I did love her very deeply.
Now, I’m at the door. I very much want to throw it back. I need to tell her that. Can I tomorrow?
Did I ever
It’s difficult to put into words; although, the words shall unfold as I write. I went over with skewers of halibut buttressed between purple onions, zucchini, summer squash, and asparagus spears, and grilled caramelized apples with pineapple on the sweet skewers. Then, of course, I made my salad. She was simply thrilled with the food. We talked easily and about everything, and then she looked over at me with her huge hazel eyes and said, “We have time, and when I’m with you, I want the time to slow and I just want you to know everything. But, we really have all the time in the world.” But, then the bomb in my soul dropped through when she said, “Two big things. First, you know that I’m bi, right?” I told her that until Saturday, I didn’t and that I would have been talking to her in an entirely different way had I known, and she threw back her head and laughed hard from her tummy. I couldn’t have a table corner between us anymore.
She gave me the tour of her half of the converted school house that she lives in and I felt my body come alive on the deck. So, we sat there in this ridiculous rain as she told me more of her story and we noticed the lines between the sides of the old school house, and she told me about the renovations. I felt like being outside there with her was a gift, and we talked easily and openly about everything. There was a simply huge sumac tree in front of our view separating the sides of the home–one side had industrial siding and the other was softer dark blue stucco, while much of our surroundings was natural. We admired and looked at the end of her garden on one of the final days of summer, and took in the other trees in the background while we talked and I stroked her legs that she had laid across my lap. We talked for an hour out there and then when she was completely vulnerable, I told her that I wanted so badly to just hold her, and not in a lawn chair.
We went into the largest room in the house and cuddled on the couch in front of the fire. That is when awhile later she asked if I was going to kiss her. My lips fit under hers and we have magical kissing. After some heavy kissing wherein I kissed and bit her neck, and lay my mouth in the notch at the base of her throat, she laughed again and said, “We have sooooo much fun ahead of us.” And we do.
I really did wait for her. I know that we can start small and be mindful, but she is more than my girlfriend. I waited and have found my one.
Good luck with that
Well, she and I have been emailing a bit, and I told her that I would take her away on a weekend trip if she could find this blog. It’s too bad much of this one currently is about my shitty experiences with my ex who was the Master of Push and Pull, but that just lead me to where I am now. I’m thinking that she will give me some new material 😉 I like this stage. It’s exciting, it makes my heart race, and is pretty scary, because I know that I’m in trouble with this woman.
How do you say, “You look beautiful,” to a woman who has probably been told that more times than are possible to count. But, she really is. She has a way of carrying herself too that is incredible. I wonder if she will find me and my blog. I don’t know how feasible it is, but if she should–and good luck–she should know that I can fully embrace that I may very well fall in love with her.
You haven’t got it so figured out
I had a wonderful day Saturday completing the summit with the woman with whom I had an emotional affair. She and I talked incredibly easy regardless of elevation gain, and she is the most suited climbing companion that I’ve ever had. That’s sad. We talked through the pointed flirtation at several intervals after the summit. I held her twice when I dropped her off and told her that I wouldn’t mess with her and that she needs to get her shit together. We are super compatible. We talk, joke, laugh, are both inappropriate–especially in terms of our sense of humor, both love kids and working with them as our primary clients, we are both highly energetic, have good vocabularies and think that being outside and then following it up with a beers and a burger is one of the best things that there is. We talked more about the lack of us on the way back down. I told her that it didn’t matter how compatible we were, and if we made this–whatever-the-hell it is–into physical that it would not only be immoral, but it would wind up fucking both of us up big time and diminish the level of connection that we have and what could be.
Then, I came home and made a cool mountain album to put up on FB and got ready, because I was going to a wedding. It was the coolest wedding that I had ever attended as well. It’s not because the Governor officiated it, it was because it was short, sweet, simple, and outside the couple’s home with the block sectioned off so that street performers could perform and we could eat BBQ and drink microbrews. There were probably 300 people there. One of my best friends who is like a sister to me has a friend who is a talented artist. I had been to one of her art shows last year. I guess that she said to my friend, “Are you with ______ ?” and she said, “Don’t you think I would have told you if I started seeing a WOMAN? No, we have been friends for years.” She said, “Oh, well, I think she is really hot.” That was so flattering. She is magazine quality beautiful. She pulled me out to dance, which I hate, but she eventually let me off the hook.
We didn’t flirt overtly or out-of-control, but we had an intensity. One of my friends from high school who knows both the bride and groom as well asked me yesterday morning if this woman was in love with me. I told her flatly and easily, “No, but I am not sure who I will wind up actually dating next.” She texted more and eluded to the level of sexual chemistry that could be felt when we were sitting with each other. So, what am I going to do? I’m going to email her this morning. She has four boys. She is a talented artist. She has had pain in her past. She looks like the child of Jane Seymour and Audrey Hepburn, and it was highly flattering to have her express interest in me. It made yesterday very interesting too! At least I won’t skip any workouts anymore 😉
After my friend from the swings got out of church, she called me. We had a wonderful and good conversation. However, the breakup with her gf does not even approximate clean. They did an open relationship before ending their relationship, and the woman with whom she had the polyamorous connection is now pursuing her exclusively, but indirectly has shared that she will likely sleep with her ex for always. I haven’t been down that exact road, but I know that I am not cut out for open. I like stability in relationship and not wondering why I don’t give someone enough. I’m smart enough and have been in enough classes to understand that sexual experiences and intimacy vary for everyone, but when she said, “We will have to be different now,” I did tell her “I don’t think that is possible. You started off with only a sexual foundation and found each other seeking an open experience. Also, the intention that you put out in the universe was that you a wanted polyamorous connection. That was your intention. I don’t think that it can convert.”
The sad thing is that this girl wants to continue an intense relationship with her ex. My friend is done with her ex. For right now, I’m done thinking about my friend in any other way than that she needs good friends, who like my climbing partner from Saturday, does not need to be fucked with visa vi a potential love interest. She has a load of stuff to figure out completely independent of me. Her mother and mother’s bf loved me. I’m pretty good with parents in general, and it was nice to meet her mother finally and be part of their home. I am going to write a Thank You Note to send this am after I have woken up with my coffee.
I can’t believe the wrinkles that get thrown up. I kept saying that I would prefer not to date another mother if I didn’t have to. I get that you choose who you date. But, honestly being on the receiving end of that much attention from a completely beautiful woman was encouraging. I’m going to email her and I would like to bring her dinner one evening next week before I leave town for my bday. She doesn’t drink at all, which would probably be a good break for me too. I am very much looking forward to seeing what is there.
Tests
I had decided that because the woman who I’d met was flirting with me openly on FB, I’d ask her for a drink. Just a drink too, because I think that she is mostly a jock and I don’t know except for loving Ani, if we have a single thing in common, but I did it. I was a little pissed that I didn’t hear from her for a day and some change. Last night we talked about the quality of one of the mountains that she had done. (I’d done it this past July.) When I met her at the end of July, she was on again off again with her ex, which I have certainly done, and now she is dating someone new who she had just climbed a mountain with this weekend. Wow.
I moved that fast once. I didn’t want to be with my partner anymore after the Christmas of 2010. She drank the entire time, refused to have sex with me, and had an episode of PTSD, which I had to piece together slowly over the course of the next three-months because she kept her military history from me. Instead of flatly putting my foot down, I flew several more times to see her. I almost didn’t go to my bday trip two years ago, but ultimately I did, and it was scary at times. I figured that I owed her a f2f breakup convo. You really don’t owe anybody anything. I know that now.
Sure, I met my ex three-weeks later. Of course, I was clouded. She seemed so different than my ex-partner. I jumped into an intense relationship. The most intense that I had ever had, which included my kid, because I loved her kid. Too much too soon is what they say, and that is what we never recovered from, and I know that now.
It had been about six-weeks since I slept with her the summer of 2012. This other woman was old school pursuing me. The whole thing. Flowers. “How are you” texts. She laid across my legs one night and I got up. I didn’t ever want to sleep with her. I got loaded at karaoke one night and had hung out with her for 6-weeks solid, and when she knew all of the lyrics to every song including shit kickin’ ones, I decided that I would sleep with her. So, I did that night. In the morning, I told her that it was a one time thing. I didn’t even have a dopamine hit that was required for feelings, namely because she didn’t kiss worth shit, and physically, she had one good feature. She is tiny like a kid is, and doesn’t even weigh 100. She is silly. When she started dropping bombs that next week about what she really did for a living and analyzing how I live my life, so I bounced. When I talked to her a few weeks ago via text, I found out that she is in school to finish. That’s good, but it’s independent of me.
What this woman who I had an emotional affair with is doing with her life is also independent of me. I hope that she hates dogs. That will be the only companion who I have when I spend 10-hours with her on Saturday. I wanted a buffer in the mountain woman. I only asked her for a beer so I could look like someone who dates. I don’t date anymore. It will be 9-months for anything physical for me in twelve days. Now, I will be tested with an unhappily married woman.
Connection
To really connect is to be vulnerable and say it. This concept does not mean that you tear somebody down, criticize, or make comments that are really designed either to 1) hurt, or 2) offer no way to have conversation. I realize that I was caught up in a really good sales pitch for awhile, and it had nothing to do with actually knowing me. Because I really wanted to work on it and push through, and because the intimacy was so hot, and well, intimate, I let myself be a doormat. It was a wonderful experience, because it has brought me to where I am, and that is not dating again.
I could have slept with Scrubs. I think that she likes flings. I don’t, because they don’t personally work for me, and I’m seeking connection. I could have been flirtatious with either one of one the girls who I met through the girl from the interior design store. Having mentioned that, it’s also accurate that I could have picked up on her advances and could have said, “I’ll wait until you breakup with your partner.” No thanks. I suppose that many would have gotten a charge that she is 13.5-years younger than I am. That was some good non-dating information though, because it likely means that younger girls are into me. If she was a totally different type of girl, meaning that she was mature, and stable, I would consider that after a long period of getting-to-know-you, because I probably don’t have any business carrying another kid, but I’d love one.
The girl from church, not Church Girl, but the one with the partner and kids has stopped flirting with me, I think. She explained that she has cheated in every relationship that she has been in and won’t again, but that sounds like an interesting way to put it. I told her that I had never cheated and that I would not start now. One it isn’t something that wouldn’t haunt me, and two you’d break hearts. I’m not that girl.
My sermon moved people. I had people come up to me and cry in my arms. I have a viral FB Wall and status where I wrote thanks. I know that many will watch the YouTube recording too, and I decided to connect intimately with my church community when I spoke. It was from the heart and was completely honest. Although, it’s really easy for me to speak in public, and I do share personal experiences interacting with children and families, I have never told the story that I did from start to finish, and I know that no one ever heard it in that fashion because I have never even told my therapist. It was good for me to personally connect with my audience, which included my own cousin who knew my brother well, and it helped me on my path of growth.
I don’t believe in doing anything without passion. I now don’t believe in doing something in which you can’t really connect with another person. That is why empty sex is not going to work for me anymore. I don’t think that my process or opinion has any bearing on what other people should do, but I know where I am, and where I am going.
Working
I have been working way too much this week. It will reach 60-hours. I finish up my class on Sunday. So, today in between some house repairs, running a carpet cleaner at my parent’s house, and paying some bills, I have got to go to the university to computer score two personality inventories, and I still have to write three reports.
I was child-free last night after my son’s game and meeting with my pastor about my sermon next Sunday, but I couldn’t go out. My son brought home a simply hideous virus that is mostly just in my throat now, but there was a period of time that I had eaten two granola bars and quinoa salad; although, it’d been over two days. Although I have hardwoods, I didn’t want to do what my son had done on the carpet at my parent’s house. It’s been a helluva week.
I think that things are shifting for me though. I would like to go out tonight and have a glass of wine. I had to cancel my outdoor rock climbing class on Saturday because I’ve been too sick. I have a beer festival though. 🙂 I’ll need to print those tickets tomorrow morning too. I don’t have a client until 10. I told my roommate, who is NEVER home, that I don’t date anymore, but I pair down. What I do is hang out, work out, go to my friend’s houses for dinner and such, or just meet other’s friends and kick around. It’s like information mining. Only my friends know that I’m ready to settle down. Organic is my approach, and the last few girls have been easily eliminated as possible love interests after a little data gathering.
Shane was supposed to call my son last night, but I didn’t turn out having him. I moved it until next Tuesday. So, she’s been “going to call him” since January, and it’s going to be July. Nice. It’s more odd to me that she affects this close relationship fantasy. She spent two weekends and two sustained weeks with him 2.5-years ago. And the latter killed her. She cried, she raged, she wouldn’t have sex with me for 6-days, and of course, she drank like a fish. But, I always say, and I mean this statement, “People are doing the best with what they got.” She can jump out of airplanes, but she doesn’t have 24-7 resolve to parent. She can be an aunt who drops in and out.
I think that I mentioned that I had a good conversation with Bette. I think that she will get to a point in the next two years when she can really start to address her moods. She still says that now that she has had a year’s space from her grief that she is doing well, but in a same breath she can scratch the surface with the hurt that she has over her two older kids who don’t talk to her anymore. I think that those demons will have to be addressed, and if I had to bet, I’d say that they will be in time. That’s her journey though.
I’ve been writing about my brother. He’d be thirty this year… I can remember a lot of things about him, and always wonder what he’d be like now. It’s a story that I’ve never really told in total, and now I’ll be telling it to a handful of people who I know, and others who are part of my church, the whole story. It’s an exercise in being vulnerable. That is good for me. I’m on a track that is doing the best with what I got.
Plague of insomnia
I have been with a headache for days and I think that it’s attributable to the fires. I hate summer fires. I took one of the evil meds, which seemed to work for sometime, but then got me all fatigued and tired, so I went to bed early. I should be writing a report, and I may do that after I blog. I just can’t sleep though.
Scrubs is something else. I ran next to her–I was supposed to show her some weight forms at her athletic club–and we talked. So, she has this ex who she really wants to settle down and make a life with, and I’ve seen pictures of her and she’s hot. Also, superficially they seem to make sense. She still does stuff with her, but has been put in the “undefined” queue a few months ago. (I promise myself to tell a girl to fuck off if she ever says that bullshit to me again.) It’s obvious how much she likes her though, but she has been going out on all kinds of dates with all kinds of people, and recently had a nice one with a man. I told her, and I mean this, “If you can do that, it’s infinitely simpler, more conventional, and easier on the whole for others to ‘take.'”
When we went upstairs to the free weights, I did show her the forms, but she was interrupting me and talking and commenting. Maybe it’s because she had to watch because it’s not good to do cardio on days that you lift, so I was simply illustrating the forms, but she was getting on my nerves. I told her that she was a pain-in-the-ass. She had talked to this girl before we started. I’ve seen this girl out over the past few years. After I ran through what this day of weights looked like, she talked to her at length again. When we got to the car later, she told me that she and that girl had a fling last summer. I quickly did the math. WTF?!? I asked, “How does that work out? I met your other fling on my bday trip in early fall…” Then I realized that in addition to now-undefined girl, and trip girl, she was also doing gym girl. AMAZING. She can keep track of a lot, and seems to be a very good juggler.
Then I noticed her thin upper lip. How she is wrinkling around her eyes very heavily, and that her teeth are pretty big and fairly crooked. I guess I know what I’m doing with Scrubs… I’m making a new friend who I can hang out with when I don’t have much to do. She is TROUBLE. When you see trouble, your brain makes her less attractive. Thank you self-protection.
Then there are the entourage of the heavy drinking and sometimes fighting girls. I’ll see one of them at the end of next week for stuff in my house. That’s about all I want to do with them. I don’t want a friendship with any of them, and when you are fighting with your partner and that gets pinned on me, and I didn’t KNOW you two weeks ago, I think, “It’s time for twelve steps.”
Everyone is doing the very best with what they’ve got. It amazes me that what many do have is a path to destroy themselves and create pain. I think that years ago, I would have tried to support these people in their internal struggles. But, that’s the thing… Their choices are theirs, and they get what they need from making them. However, I don’t have to get entangled in their choices with them by sleeping with any of them. I think the clinical term is joining. I don’t need to do that. I’m holding out for true connection, excellent conversation, and health.
Remember
I went out last night and bullshitted with the bartenders and talked to one girl at length. She was super butch, but funny and smart. I enjoyed myself, went to the car with a spring in my step, and talked to my workout partner and then slept like a baby. I have a job interview in just over an hour, so I need to pop in the car and then head up there. One of the bartenders knew where I was interviewing, because his father used to work there. I don’t subscribe to or endorse coincidences, so I thought that was cool.
There was a time a few short years ago when I’d leave the lesbo bar and would feel so badly. I hated the way that I felt. I believe now that most of it was because I thought that I should be with someone. The thing is that I met Shane in a bar four-years ago on June 19th, and that yielded a summer of fun and then all kinds of weirdness after she fell in love with me, and I convinced myself that I should make something work. Why make something work? Those efforts are for 3-5 years down the road when stuff hits and you have to navigate it.
For argument’s sake let’s say that there was a super fit, light-eyed girl who was single who sat with me last night and we chatted. We can go farther and say that she got my number. I’d still be who I am now. It would have been exciting and interesting, but I’d have figured that perhaps she was pissed at her girlfriend and went to the bar to make her jealous. I also would have told her that we should meet for a bike ride sometime in the the next month.
Bette was so important to me for close to a year. When she started her stuff of breaking up with me, and then really needing to sleep with me, and then engaging in fights with me, and then calling me or showing up to make plans for sex, I just kinda let my heart die. That’s not the kind of love that I want. It sounds a lot more like a relationship sponsored by the sensationalist and fear-based media in which anxiety prays on what I would lose without her, or how alone I would be if we didn’t talk. I’m alone. No one texts or pursues me. I’m fine. In fact, I know that girls who I know don’t contact me because they are not the right girl for me, or am I for them.
It’s good to come home and talk to a dear friend and go to sleep. This friend of mine only gives advice when I ask, and we know many deep, dark secrets about each other. I would never let those go in one direction. I don’t fire questions at someone to get data, so I have a way to keep them needing me. There is a genuine, open, and honest experience with others. It’s authentic. That’s the path that I walk.
Shift
So, of course Shane would send my son a package yesterday.
One of my clients got called into her job last night, and another one moved her session, so I decided to move my on-going family who I will be referring out to a couple of providers to late afternoon tomorrow. Last night, I ate dinner WITH my son–he only saved me half of a biscuit though–and talked at length. We walked our dog, cuddled, and seemed really connected. He is awake now, because our dog already busted in his room, but I am staying home with him until his father picks him up for the weekend. My son’s school has a planning day for teachers and so there are no classes.
I had a good shift today. I think that because lonely girl has been contacting me and she is really pretty, I was thinking about an FB again. She is a quick bike ride away. However, it is not good to sleep with someone who you know has done shady things which have resulted in losing friends. That is pretty complicated sex.
Shane and I had the uncomplicated thing for a summer. When she told me around Labor Day that because she had been sleeping with one of the girls from work for 7-months, that when she said that they should be exclusive so she just agreed, I was like, “Peace out.” This was four-years ago. She was shocked. I think that I meant more to her than 1) I had thought, and 2) She meant to me. I never contacted her again, and we reconnected four-months later on NYD. At that time, I figured that I maybe meant a lot to her, and it was flattering. That’s really all lonely girl is. It’s flattering, but it needn’t go down the sex road. So, it won’t.
The funny thing about roads that you travel is that they can become circuituous. I don’t want to circle back to an FB. I do think that lonely girl will either put the moves on me or proposition me for sex, but I can just go home. I had an FB last summer when my ex and I were on a summer hiatus, and I just don’t want one. Even if the new prospect is super gainfully employed and independent. It means a lot to me that the women who I met that she hung out with over a year ago don’t speak to her now. Begs the question… What did you do? I know that lesbians are cliquey, but damn.
I’m fine with friendships with lots of different people. My father had us move about 13-times as I grew up. I was in 7th grade when we bought a house and stayed, and that stability lasted a year wherein my brother was killed and I was seriously injured. I knew mobility and then debilitating loss. Those were my frame of reference for my first 14-years. It was my journey though.
The lessons from that is that I can easily make friends, but that it is more difficult for me to give myself away. I’ve gotten really good at the latter over the last six-years. I can tell new people my story, because I have worked through it. The biggest shift for me is that I know it’s critical to be vulnerable when you are making a close friendship and that it is a foundational attribute when you are with a partner.
I was vulnerable with my coming out affair, Shane, and then really very much so with my ex. That is where I am. I’m ready not for an FB, a conversion of FB to a gf, or a woman who flips and flops and never really settles on committing to me. I’m shifting for being ready for that real thing whenever the time is right, and it will be with a woman who I know well and have already spent lots of time hanging and connecting.
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