She had to cancel on being in my bed with me tonight, but I completely understand. I will miss her smell and softness when I retire in a little bit, but I get why she can’t be around people anymore tonight. She needs to take care of herself so she can take care of her boys too.
Something that I left out of the Thursday entry that I had written last was that she got probably five phone calls while we cooked and got the boys organized. One included a conversation with her father and it was an intense relaying of some of what she is going through right now. It’s too much. She respectfully left out details that would have been alarming to him as well. I was shocked that we had dinner together and that she ever texts or emails or gets on my FB during the week at all. It made me feel loved to see that.
I feel important. I feel respected. I feel like we could be building something with a permanence, and that part doesn’t scare me. I’m scared about doing right by her.
She had a truly horrible day. It can’t even be written about, because it’s unreal.
My last three have just included too much running around in favor of being productive. I like to get things done, and haven’t been able to very well over the last three days. I’ve kind of felt like I’m just spinning my wheels, but it’s just stress. It’s not anything bad. She teased me relentlessly about it and then helped me reframe it. I think much of it is that I’ve been around lots of people too often and my son has been getting over being ill, so that means that he’s crabby. Nothing has been bad, I’ve just felt kinda pulled around and not able to get work completed.
I held her as tight as I could while being reasonably sure that I was not hurting her back. I felt her tears on my cheeks. I was moved on a deeper level than I can remember too. Again, I feel important and loved.
Finally, we both were unwinding and she wanted to watch some tv. I asked if we could read. She read all the cartoons in her favorite periodical, and laughed so many times that I had a large grin on my face. There was one in particular that was very odd, and was my sense of humor exactly. My sense of humor borders on bizarre and is definitely droll and strange. When she showed me it, I was surprised how she knew something instinctively about me.
We didn’t get very physical. I had to tell her that I’m at a point wherein I’m nervous about making love to her, and I told her that I think that part of that trepidation is an energetic thing that vibes from her. She talked to me about being ready at some point and realizing how excited that she was to see me when she was driving home, but that did not include sex, and I said, “I really don’t think we should. We are both sexual people, but the thing is that it shouldn’t be planned and should just be an organic development when we both are moved that way. It’s going to be a big thing when it happens.” I’m not ready either.
She told me some other things from her experiences too. I think that I’m starting to really get where she is right now, and it’s funny that the timing is in our favor from both standpoints. After awhile I just said completely easily, “Listen, ______ , I love you and I want you to know that.” She said without skipping a beat, “I love you too.” There was a pause and then she added, “It’s real too.” I told her that it certainly is for me too, and I would not have said it had I not meant it completely. She said, “I know.”