Tag Archives: Truth

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First Day

I have a picture of him with his tiny fist pumping in the air, jumping off the stairs from the front of his school where he attended a full-day early childhood education program–like pre-kindergarten. Today is the first of 47-days. He is no longer a hobbit-sized tow-headed Energizer Bunny. He stood in his egress window smoking cigarettes on Sunday night until I woke up. He always shuts down and says, “Send me back to my Dad.” It took about an hour on Sunday night and he finally shifted. He said that he was petting our tortie in the basement and saw the shelf with all the books that I used to read him and teared up. He and I could go to family therapy twice a week. He doesn’t have an off-cycle. He’s defiant and often very rude. I just want him to finish high school. He hates it and needs to be done. Today feels like my first day too.

The climber did get sick. I don’t know if she has COVID. The nice guy who also commutes once a week with us does. I was disappointed to not get her all to myself in the car. That could only happen now in the afternoon one day or possibly May 22nd through early June. However, I must note that she said that we need to go back to our climbing spot two-weeks ago and directly invited me to the indoor ice climbing gym last Monday. She sent me pictures of her in a crack way up some giant sandstone formation and a sunset picture on Sunday when I sent her a small text re: I’ll pick you up and text when I leave my house at 7:20. We seem good. I want a get together though.

Vegan texted me yesterday. It said that she hoped that my week was off to a great start and that it was wonderful meeting up on Friday and having the introduction to Green Goddess dressing. I texted back that when she heals, I want to climb with her. She is accepting and will be a good climbing partner–just can’t kiss or hug her.

I’m not going to ever text GA again. If she comes to my city, I hope that she gets ahold of me. I would call her if my partner-in-prowl and I do a workshop in GA, but that’s it. I’ll get tall redhead’s number if I ever see her again. I’m excited for guitar class tonight. Spring is on it’s way; although it’s cold as shit. Today could mark the first day of the rest of my life.

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The Joys of Parenting

My wife and I had gotten married in NM where it was legal. One of her sisters was pregnant at the time. She and I had toyed with her carrying a baby that we would be parenting together. You know: give my son a sibling. We all stayed in a huge condo together in NM and cooked meals together and the like. Listening to her sister and her husband romanticize and frankly, idealize and fantasize about parenting propelled me into talking through what parenting is with my wife on the 5-hour drive home. We decided not to have kids.

I’ve worked 72-81 hours a week lots of weeks. I’m actually a workhorse. People call me that. Working is really easy, and I am able to do a lot of it. Parenting involves active and psychic burdens daily. Sometimes hourly. Is he going to vape in the bathroom on this co-located campus with younger students? Is he going to get distracted and avoid class and work that he has to complete for graduation? Who knows?

I’m sure that some people have kids who go to class, work, and do chores. I’m sure that exists. I can imagine that there are those who do not actively defy just like breathing in and out. That hasn’t been my experience. He actually tried to bust out of my womb when he was 8-months in utero. I have permanent scars around my ribcage that look like blue lines wherein he would push his feet anytime I was sitting.

The other hand has a finger beckoning you to come closer so that the teenager can push you away
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Exciting reconnection

My best friend is a musician. She is also very, very extroverted. During the height of the first COVID summer my ex-wife and I were in her backyard with another couple drinking and eating cheese and veggies. I had brought a beautiful bottle of Rosé, and it was good, and the bottle and stopper were gorgeous. I was drinking. My ex-wife doesn’t drink at all. Awkward doesn’t scratch the surface. One of the women with whom she’d performed in an amazing canyon the summer before just has dark energy. Her partner sat mostly quietly. My ex-wife wanted to leave when we got there. That wasn’t unique.

My best friend was having a concert this October and it was going to be at the partner’s house. Not sure when the couple broke up. I’ll find out soon. The concert was fairly inexpensive, but the people she’d invited couldn’t afford it, so it was cancelled. My best friend was disappointed because she really wants me to be connected with this woman. Last Wednesday, my best friend had lunch with her and she told her to give her my number. Not sure why my best friend wasn’t down for that, but she sent us a connection email.

Here is what I wrote back to the connection email:

“Hi, ___,

Do you hike or cycle?

Kindly,

______.”

Several days later I got back the cutest email. She doesn’t remember me. When you’re in partnership that’s exclusive and you live together it has an effect on what you see, connect to, and are open with in terms of others. I sent her a picture of a glass wine stopper because she had complimented the bottle two-years ago–my God, it will be three in July, and now that I’m thinking about it, I think that bottle is in my son’s room with a plant in it, but I wanted her to have a visual of something she’d said to me then. She had given me her number in the cute email, so we’ve exchanged lots of texts Monday through yesterday. I wasn’t heavily flirtatious or anything, but we’d just made plans so I wanted to her to have the knowledge that we did indeed meet almost three years ago so I sent that picture.

She had said in her email that she’d like to get a drink/coffee/hike/bike. I made hiking plans with her for Sunday. I actually can’t wait! She’s really cute. Reddish, blondish hair, large blue eyes. I can’t remember, but I do think she’s taller than me which is my historical norm. I want: great conversation, and two hugs. I want the last hug to be tighter and closer. Of course, I’ll get what I want and that’s exercise. I need a woman with whom I can hike and bike who I think is attractive. I don’t necessarily need to be taught something from a woman such as climbing or dancing, because it creates a power differential, which I don’t think is super healthy with someone who you kiss.

The climber is all stressed out. When I see her on Thursday at the tail end of my work party, I’m just going to give her a hug and read her energy. She had to make an appointment for Thursday and I thought that it was going to be Monday, but the person helping her with legal navigation with her ex wasn’t available on Monday. I don’t have any expectations for Thursday and have loved our last four times together with the exception of her worrying that I want to be her girlfriend after the ballet. I don’t want a girlfriend/partner.

I tell everyone the same thing. I don’t want to live with anyone, I don’t want a marriage, and I never want financial entanglements. I don’t have the energy that is required in exclusive love relationships. I also have come to a decision that like your friends, you can have girlfriends that you like to do different things with: go to dog parks, potlucks, adventures, dress-up dates, hikes, etc. I really don’t even have enough experience yet to know all the possibilities. I will tell you that after I broke up with my ex who is likely dying that I went straight into another partnership and was convinced of a “one.” That is nauseating bullshit. I’m not everything for anyone and why would there be for me?

I’m not afraid of commitment. I could be with two or three different women and those could be the ones who I see. I do think that when sex occurs that I’ll go back to therapy. The climber was super relieved that I’ve had a date since she belayed me and that I had asked out another woman who said life was hectic right now. I’m not sure what she was thinking, but I don’t want to talk about other women with women and she said that she wants to hear that stuff. I won’t give details unless I’m asked though, because I don’t want repeats of what I had in 2010 listening to a woman bitch about another woman she is intimate with, because that doesn’t work for me. Again, when things progress physically, I will get a new therapist.

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I wrote this the last day of 2012

I want to focus on what I want and what I’m looking for, but will start with a preface that it doesn’t mean that it’s not in my current relationship.  We are just new…  Eight-days shy of 7-months and both equally independent and busy.  I’d rather reflect on I want and as everyone seems to say these days, “Put it out into the universe,” which I think comes from that somewhat Eastern movement on the law of attraction and what one is interested in for focus. So, at least for today, I will blog about what I value.

  • That’s stupid.  Be what you want.  You’ll attract people who you want to spend time with, and don’t count dates.  There could be shitty dates and exciting dates.  I’m glad that I’ve not seen or heard from the CEO in YEARS.  Who cares that I spent 7-months exclusively dating her?  Shame on me for trying to force a long-term relationship with someone so mean.

I love being outside and feeling the sun on my skin.  I love the way that water sounds when it is unsettled either from the tide or when it is disturbed by a motor and laps against an embankment.  I also like the noise water makes when it is rushing when the table in a river is up. Being on top of a mountain and feeling the wind cover your body while you look literally at the world makes you feel small and like you don’t really have a single problem.  When you come down and laugh full of natural endocannabinoids from your summit and have a burger and a beer, you have never felt so happy. Snowshoeing up to a glacier lake and working your legs give me a whole feeling too, and again, I love afterward to share a meal with someone who I love and can laugh with about anything.

  • Yep, those things are still very, very good.  I have gaiters now too and know how to self-arrest with an ice axe, so I should bundle up and go soon.  Not solo though.  That’s stupid.  Love is expansive.  I love lots of people.

I love to cook when I come home, and if my day has been awful, I also open a beer and drink while I prepare a meal.  I love to throw dinner parties and hear my friends laughing in my kitchen and enjoy pieces of their conversations. Music is my soundtrack and I break out into song with good friends or make references to song lyrics all the time.  I want to get back into practicing guitar and can’t wait until my son picks up an instrument!  He is dancing now, and although I can’t, I love to watch him dance because his energy takes on a life of its own and he is expressing himself.  In a woman, I find dancing sensual and appealing because you can see things in her that you didn’t see before, and I love novelty.

  • Still love to cook.  Don’t have the need for a large dinner party, but my birthday party when I turned 48 was fun with my neighbors, my old work husband and his wife and my son.  I do need to practice guitar.  Teenagers don’t do anything.  At least he is dating a cheerleader now, so maybe he’ll dance again.  Been thinking about taking some dance lessons, actually.  I continue to have a thing for dancers and athletes.

Adventure is critical for me, and it can be simple adventures like the good memory that I have holding hands crunching through the snow and then naked hot tubbing under the stars–it’s like a pleasant surprise to have romantic things like that unfold and is the ultimate expression of one’s chemistry with another person.   I love to travel and see new places.  I love meals that are well prepared and looking at art.  It would be really cool to see a new city and rent a bike and race around on it to discover tons of it quickly and then be able go back on foot holding a woman’s hand and feel the air on our faces while we look over the scenery that we took in quickly and now want to take in more fully, and at a slower rate.  It could be a preview from the bike with a return on foot because walking and hiking are some things that I also value.

  • I can add to that walking on the beach and getting frisky.  That was fun too.  I went all over Mount Desert Island in June on a rented bike and it was phenomenal.  Gonna do that next June around the whole rim at Crater Lake, and I want to boat to Wizard Island.

I taught myself how to ride a bike when I was eight, and I still feel youthful when I ride my pos Mt Bike down the street, trails or on a singletrack. I can race it as hard as I want or just glide down hills.  I love the wind rushing on my face and going for hours.  I feel strong and alive when I watch the clouds and the afternoon wane on while I’m on my bike.

  • I bike to work everyday except for Mondays.  I have to drive on Mondays.  I have a police bike now and a road bike.  I donated that POS.  I LOVE cycling.

Quality of light is important for me too.  The moon casts a beautiful sheen across lakes, and the angle of the sun on a woman’s face at different times of day shows her beauty outdoors.  Seems that I value being outside, using my body, cooking and eating, and connecting and laughing–all of these things are made better if you share them with a beautiful woman.  I think that I do attract these things, so I must be lucky.

  • Still have fortuitous circumstances unfold in the dark. The climber held me on a climber under moonlight when I told her that my ex-partner is either dying or waiting for a transplant and that my son and I will have to motor to NC at some point because of that.

When I think of my son, I value that he is thriving, feeling well, and learning a lot.  Love of nature, being well and whole, and learning as much as he can from mentors should be his focus until he is ready to leave our house.  When one is balanced, he can give unto others, which is probably the only “Christian” value that makes sense to me.  In addition to being glad that he is enjoying sports, getting excellent grades in music, I am most grateful that he is regarded as the most kind and appreciative of diversity by his current teacher.  I hope that if I am lucky enough to add children to our family with a partner, that this virtual child is able to feel well, be outside, learn and truly share.

  • I don’t want any more children.  I hope that my son will be ok when he’s 25.  I drug test him weekly–it was hot today–and he gets a flip phone going as soon as the GPS that he has to carry that I’ll be subscribing to as a service is here and working.  Children are an active or psychic burden until they have a working brain.

I’m thinking that these desires and wants are what I value most, and my partner could make it more powerful.  When I imagine this partner, I am outside with her and we are having one night away.  It wouldn’t have to occur much, but I would value it when it did. She and I could maybe have a meal on a deck near Clear Creek in Buena Vista and have to sit very close together so that we would be able to hear each other and then we could hold hands while the sun sets. She’d make me laugh a lot and I would be taken in completely by her eyes.  We could leave the doors to the deck open so when we made love you could hear that deafening roar of the water in the bg.  That kind of connection while in nature is important to me and my meaning, as is going back to our kids and enjoying them after we had a night away like this one, because I think that meaning too, comes from raising a family together and meeting the challenges of parenting together as a concerted team.

  • I don’t want a partner.  I don’t want financial entanglements.  I am a complete sucker for green, hazel and blue eyes.  I love to laugh and will look forward to some fun sex when the time is right.  I don’t want to raise my son with anyone.  I want him to stabilize and get his act together.  My parents were not a concerted team, and I can’t think of an example of that with any of my friends.  I’m lucky that mine will be out of the house in July of 2024.  Then I can re-read this entry and see what’s shifted.  Love of parts of Colorado will never shift.
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Keeping some of it

I love having access to 14-years of my writing. Yay. I read about that orgy that a friend of mine hosted at my house. What a sentence. Wow. I was 34 maybe? She was pretty butch and had weird style. I can’t remember what state she was from–no one is from here–although I remember that she was a software engineer. She was smart, but not attractive. She wore an Indiana Jones Panama hat to my party that altered into an orgy because she also brought a bull whip. Her breasts were gorgeous though. Like a magazine. I’m a whole package person though and don’t like chunky, beefy, fat or out of shape for a hook-up or gf. I wouldn’t want an orgy at my house anymore. Also, I don’t think that I’m poly to the degree wherein if I was sleeping with one woman, I would be able to easily watch her kiss other women or men at a party. I think that when I was in college, cast parties would begin with body shots and then become group sex. I left with my college gf before that stage of the morning, but I’m almost positive that is what that crew engaged in. I actually think it’s about management. Hahahaha. Seriously, I tend to have trouble talking in a group unless I’m facilitating group counseling. I like depth in conversation and need to tease more information out and it’s less deep when you’re navigating group contributions to conversation. I HATE group lunches, baby or bridal showers, etc. Group sex would be that way too. Difficult to include everyone. Ha. Honestly, it’s like a connection and focus thing for me. Not that I don’t think that would be a good thing for other people though.

I slept in my bed with the software engineer after the orgy. I know that we cuddled a bit. I wore pjs and she was nude. I made it clear that I didn’t want any sex. I had kissed her breasts during the orgy and she referenced it and I said, “You have perfect breasts, and I still don’t want to have sex with you.” End of story. I think now that it would be difficult for me to sleep with someone actually. Since my son has revved up terrible / dangerous behavior, I am a light sleeper. I used to sleep like a rock. Also, my ex wife was a hideous sleeper–nightmares, waking nightmares, insomnia, bouts of manic episodes with needing to cut or dye her hair for hours in the middle of night or early morning–so I’m sure that has effected my sleep rhythms also. I don’t know what time I’d have to go to bed to be able to sleep a 6-hour stretch next to a woman and worry that I’d wake up at 5 or 6 anyway. I’ve simply worked too many years now. I wake up in the morning.

So, I want to keep dating. I don’t want to do wild group things that involve intimacy. I don’t want a relationship that is exclusive.

The sex thing. If you’re disconnected from someone who you used to be in love with, it takes a toll. She would offer to top. Randomly too. Like use the bathroom in our bedroom right before I was turning in because I work (She stopped working.) and then leave for the spare room making her exit with a quick offer. I was always like, “WTF?” I like to talk and connect and then have sex. That has even gone for me when I’ve done lesbian one night stands. Do you know what those are? You bring someone home from the bar, or you have a girl that you met on the Internet come to your house and share a bed and you have some sex. Sometimes several hours. So, you do that again once or twice. I talked first with those girls. At least a little. My previous partner who is incidentally dying or waiting for a transplant would sometimes come over while I was cooking, open a bottle of Chardonnay (Scratch that off the list for anything that I would keep. Fucking gross. Who the fuck actually drinks white wine by choice?), give me a kiss and then say, “Want some dessert and then we can eat dinner?” That was cute, and we still talked. With sex, I’ll need some kind of interaction connection to be frisky.

I love lists:

  1. Nothing that I find voyeuristic or is group oriented for intimacy
  2. Fit women who take care of their bodies
  3. Work on my sleep hygiene
  4. Date lots of women
  5. Connect and then have sex
  6. Never stoop to drinking any white wine

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And… She’s back

I got divorced in September, and I am adjusting to dating again. I can honestly say that having a relationship which is exclusive would not be something that I would be interested in for the next couple of years and maybe won’t ever be interested in that again. I have an almost 17-year-old now and saying he’s a handful is super mild. That is laughable, actually. I don’t want to bring women in and out of his life either. Until today, I couldn’t login to this blog for years because I hadn’t remembered that just using an old email that I no longer can access with a couple of common passwords would help with me logging in, and now I’ve read some of it it’s interesting to me that I thought that remarrying would be fulfilling. It so wasn’t. Now, I’m 48, have been divorced twice and married for a total of 17-years. Been there, and won’t do that ever again, and super on the fence about a long-term thing. I want to date.

I have always been very active. That’s why although I have a mountain of papers right now, I had to blog, because I’m jacked up sitting here at my desk and at least freewriting is like a semi-activity. I’ll walk the dogs after I do two more of these grading projects. They’re way more than just a paper and require massive feedback.

I have been obsessed with climbing movies and climbers for 5-years. But, that shit is DIFFICULT. I’ve hiked many a mile and done a little bit of bouldering, but am not a climber. I’d like to be though. My ex-wife encouraged me to take a class at a recreational outfitter and I did it well then, but it was probably 2014 or 2015. So, I retook it in August and it was a night that I was exhausted, so I didn’t do it as well. Then I took an outdoor artificial wall class wherein the second-day was outdoor. Real rock is next level.

I told my colleague about that class and she asked me to have lunch with her and tell her more. Then she said that we should go after work. She said that she and I and one of our colleagues would go together. When we did go, she was the one who showed up. She gave me a great hug. (I thought, “Oh, we hug?”) She drove to the route. When we got out to pack up she said, “I don’t get naked with colleagues so I’m asking if our relationship is shifiting?” I said, “I’m sorry?” And she explained that she was changing now, and I asked her if I should hold up a blanket to which she quickly replied, “No this is a climber’s space.” Naked for climbers, but not with colleagues, maybe? She took me up a very exposed route and I started dumping adrenaline and having trouble breathing at all. She was so sweet and said that she was so familiar with this side of the creek and that we could take another route so we did. I was able to go up 20-feet, so I felt accomplished. Definitely want to do that again.

That’s not the theme though. I had on Mary Janes and it was dark and I was slipping everywhere. By the time we got midway down the route at dusk my hands were porcupine laden with prickly pear quills. She took her phone out and gingerly began taking out the quills. I pulled back after a few. (“We touch each other too? Like not just when you’re comforting my afraid-of-heights-ass?) She asked what we were doing next and I told her that I had a recipe kit and could open a bottle of wine for us. She and I engaged in a great conversation and I was sad to get back to the parking lot where I met her and determined that we do, indeed, hug now.

We caravaned in our cars back to my house from the lot. She is handy in the kitchen. So good and quick chopping even, perfect mushrooms. She draped her arm around my waist. Wow. I slunk away after awhile. Not sure why. After dinner she asked if we could sit in my living room and her thigh was against mine. Nice. Good hug by her car before the night was over.

My son said that if I start seeing her, that I’m behaving like a Rock Star. His words, “She’s attractive, Mom. How old is she? Wow. That’s pretty Rock Star, Mom.” I don’t think that I care, actually. I’ve also made a promise to myself to stop referencing my age. She held my hands when I was shitting my pants given exposure, she pulled out quills with care, she put her arm around my waist, she pressed her right thigh against mine on my loveseat. She also played a playlist and danced with me outside in a gazebo and we climbed a tree afterward when we saw each other 1-1 again. It was all prelude. The third time that we saw each other we took a two-mile walk three-weeks after she helped me and I watched her expert climbing. After our walk, we drank tea, snuggled a bit and then made out until past 3:30 am. She’s been sick so we’ve not gotten together in two weeks. I’ll see her Monday though at work if she’s better. I have a weird job and work in different places on different days.

I went to a party for a colleague who has been significantly promoted. I met a neuroscientist there and we had a nice conversation. I was really excited last Saturday when she came to a group function because I didn’t know that she belonged to the group. I’ve asked her out in the group app (coffee or wine). We shall see. We have a nice connection.

At the beginning of last month, I met up with another woman with my two dogs and hers at the dog park. She had a health thing and emergency surgery, but I would love to see her again soon too.

I’m pushing 50 and want to date a ton. I read through some of these entries and I think that I’ve typically wanted a relationship more than just enjoying a date. I want to do that now. Just date. I don’t want to live in anticipation of tomorrow. I can just see what I see when I’m on a date with a woman and not think about anything else but that moment, and that date.

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New Chapter

I worked through a lot of things in this blog, and so I am not going to write here any longer.  I’ll leave it up for another year, and then will take it down.  I’m going to start a brand-new blog as me.  I happily abandon dating, despair, pretending that I can work with women with whom I’m not compatible, and needing self-of-therapist activities nearly everyday.  I thank all of my readers and those who stopped by to Like a post.  I appreciate everything that you imparted to me over the last two-years.  It’s now time for me to write anything that I want to as myself.

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Adjustments

We’ll be making them winter through the spring, I would imagine.  I’m excited to sleep with her every night and not just for physical reasons, but because I wake up a lot earlier when she is not here because I wonder what she’s doing.  It is nice that we both sleep well next to each other given our level of trust that we have for each other.

I had a long day yesterday.  I wasn’t done with work until 6 and then I had to drive to our church because my son had to learn his percussion part for the Christmas services.  The woman with whom I had that emotional affair was there and she looked tired given that she is going through a brutal divorce.  At the end of the night, I hugged her super tight and told her that I was sorry.  I’m not sure that she has been held like that.  It made me think that my partner and I have something really special.  We hold each other tight all the time, and I don’t think that is something that everyone gets.

Apparently, the woman who my partner had half-heartedly tried to date exclusively who she met when she was ending her relationship called her last night too.  I was thinking that it was probably around the time that I had hugged the woman at church.  She told me that she would have to call me back when I called her because this woman was really sick.  When I say that it’s not because she is having surgery, but it’s because she has a condition that is degenerative.  While that is really too bad, I was fuming.  I don’t want her calling my partner because she had every chance in the world to treat her right and was awful.

I told my partner that it was a weird boundary and was gamey.  I asked her to text her that I needed her tonight and that she should reach out to her friends.  I guess that she had told her that the news was so awful that she wanted to tell her instead, because they “weren’t in each other’s lives anymore.”  Whatever.  You had your chance, and you were a shit who wanted side relationships, so there you are.  You got nothing. And honestly, it’s because your foundation was nothing but some open stuff that my partner needed to get space between her and her serious girlfriend–who also called her last night.

I remember nights that I’ve had like this one.  You know when your exes would come out of the woodworks and try to connect with you, and typically it was when I was either dating someone new or having some shifts within myself that propelled me toward wake-ups within myself.  I think that when you’ve been physically intimate with someone more than once, you have a collective of energy between you that can result in universal shifts when you are having new experiences.  That is an adjustment as well.

Here is what I took away that was new:

  1. We honestly don’t fight
  2. My partner is the nicest person who I know
  3. She has fewer exes than me because girls would never want to let her go
  4. I’m looking forward to learning how to encourage her to make this relationship work for her
  5. Timing does it’s own thing and you cannot wield it directionally
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Reflections

I only have three-days of work left and then I go on a fairly long vacation.  It will be nice, given the disruptions to my doctoral process, and because I’m adjusting to my new life.  I’m thinking about how grateful I am again this morning, because I have begun my life with a woman who simply fits into mine by just moving into it.  She doesn’t ask me to defend the way that I do things, but gently comes forward and is accommodating rhythms that we had, yet she adds to them.  Enhancement and comfort is her way and I love it.

I read over my About page on WordPress and realized that it can’t be reworked.  I just need to rewrite it because everything that I’m doing is so new.  I have this amazing partner whose pictures still make me say, “My God, she is so hot,” and yet given our intimate connection when we talk, laugh, and make love, I know that I will not ever date again.  I’m glad too, because I was really sick of dating.

She’s mine.  I can’t believe that, but she is truly mine.  (These kind of assertions make me realize that I will never be Buddhist.)

Tomorrow night we will finally get our tree.  We didn’t sleep together last night, but of course we talked, and I was able to sleep well this time even without her with me last night.  I just sleep better with her there.  I never had a solid night of sleep with my ex.  I guess one time we slept late–until 8–in my bed, but she was so wound up all the time and also needed the tv on so that she could distract herself into falling asleep.  We were just incompatible.

When someone is as gentle as my partner is, you just relax, get warm and sleep.  After talking to me, she was able to get me where she can when we are in bed together.  I was just warm and drifting off to sleep.  I appreciate her way.  I’m lucky to bask in her light and love.

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My slow path to introversion

My Dad moved us all the time.  I went to five elementary schools.  I think that there were a total of 13 different rentals that we lived in prior to buying our house, and in a universal sick thing, my brother was killed after we had lived in the house that was bought just a bit over a year.  I think that everyone’s childhood is a bit messed up, so I don’t think that I have the corner market, but I sure have changed now that I’m middle aged.

My son asked me last night how many years I have left, and having seen a Vedic Astrologer in 2008, I just told him that number and then I realized that I have fewer left than I’ve had.  I have changed the basic structure of my personality too, which certainly gives me pause.  I’ve also become less dominant in general.

I had to make new friends all the time.  So, I talked to everyone, but I also listened.  I developed the persona that I could talk to anyone, and I did.  I think that this particular trait came in handy especially when I was selling software or CDs.  (I loved that job at the record store.)  I participated in class, I did forensics, I sought some leadership positions, and in college, I realized that I was only a mediocre actor, so I began *attending* the theater instead of trying out.  I figured, at the time, that was my litmus test.  I was truly an extrovert, because I wasn’t a good actor.  It was interesting to me that contrary to most popular beliefs, actors are introverted.

I was talking with my partner last weekend after I did the announcements at church.  I stumbled a bit in the earlier morning service and found the crowded 11:00 am service much easier.  She figured it was practice effects, and I told her that while that was true, much of it was crowd size.  Larger group, easier for me to feel less pressure and intimacy.

So, that’s it.  I was terrified of deep intimacy and being isolated.  I moved to a minuscule town in the midwest for my first grad degree and if I didn’t teach that day and participate in class, I heard no human voice, as those were the days of calling cards and land lines for long distance.  I got much better at being alone, and then I got really good at being alone when I booted out my ex-husband, had my coming out affair, and many friends stopped interacting with me.  These days, I talk to a new person if I have to, but mostly I work.  On nights like last night, I miss the lanky swell of my partner’s body in our bed.  I can connect deeply, openly, and honestly with her.  But, that’s about all that I want, because I don’t want an entourage, but seek things that help my family be solid and happy.

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Gratitude

I feel like I want to write today about things that I’m thankful for because I have been riding this crest of being happy and doing my own thing for some time, but now I’m going to get married next fall.  That is something to be truly grateful for being able to do.

We had Thanksgiving with my parents and my son only at our house last Sunday.  With as busy as I am at work, weeks just fly by, which makes it really hard given that I’m in school, but I can get all my paperwork done because I finally have a deadline.  We had an easy Thanksgiving for the most part, with my father only acting pissy once, because I had him carve while I got Brussels Sprouts, heirloom (purple) sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, and stuffing out.  I think that he wanted just to show up.  Oh well.  It was really easy though, and that is just like our (my partner and I) relationship.

My cousin hosted Thanksgiving the weekend before with her kids, her boyfriend’s two, and my son had an incredible time.  I loved the way that my partner just fit into my family and how much they love her.  The long weekend was just a bit too much running around and social for me, but I got through it.

I spent the actual Thanksgiving Day with her family and their friends, and I think that it went well.  I get the impression that her uncle and some of the other family members are seeing if I’m going to stick around.  Well, first of all, I’m tenacious and hard working, and second of all, I was incredibly attracted to her from the minute that I met her, and it just got worse and worse throughout the spring.  I simply love the guy who married her first cousin, and I’d like to do some cycling with him.  I don’t fall off anymore and understand my gears 🙂  Maybe if I hang out with him at intervals, her family will see that I’m here to stay and waited for my chance with her.  I’m so glad we waited to voice it when she was single though, as it is not sullied by anything and is pure.

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Conflict and Timing

We don’t have them.  A little more than a month ago, I had intended to explore fully a more solid friendship than I had with my partner.  So, after my latest dating stint ended, I texted a woman with whom I had an emotional affair, and then my one-who-got-away.  She didn’t get away.  She’s my partner.  We are going to get engaged in December.

I have not fought well or communicated well with my girlfriends.  To date, I have not had a fight with my partner.  There was a moment when we could have fought and fought badly.  Instead she asked me some honest questions and cried a little.  I sat on it for a couple of days, made a plan, did all of it, and asked her if my decision was ok.  And it was for her.  We just get each other and respect each other as well.  We did a communication meeting last night, and we decided that what we really do well is talk about things which are difficult and be nakedly vulnerable.  I know that is a good start.

At work today, my office partner who also works with kids and families in mental health told me that she saved the very first chat that she had over old school IM with her now husband.  She said that the whole thing is embarrassing to both of them now, because they were trying to show favorable sides to each other.

I liked that my partner also saved our original exchanges.  About three weeks ago, my partner made a document in Word called, “_______ and ______: A Lovestory,” and it started with my first FB message which said, “Nice to finally meet you in person, _______ .”  I told her that I wanted to help her move so she could see how strong I was.  At that point, nearly 18-months ago, I was off with my ex and stayed off until that August when we tried to date for two months.  I would have loved to dated my partner, but we weren’t in the right places.

It begs the question, would she and I be fighting if we didn’t wait for our moment?  I’ve loved her since those damn swings, and I have been thinking that she was intriguing from the first time I saw her picture when our mutual friend showed me her years ago.  I can’t believe that we are together.  We get along extremely well and have spent most days together recently.  She’ll be back tomorrow and in a wonderful sense of synchronicity, the friend who is responsible for us being together, is in town and having dinner at our house.  That is good timing too.

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Puzzle

I can be overly concrete.  Typically, I get fired up too, which could be part of my genetic make-up given that I’m Italian on my Dad’s side, but some of it too, probably comes from the nurture side of the house.  Experts in neurological research say that part is 40% of who we are (our experiences and social learning) is how we are raised and environmental influences.  My father flew off the handle all the time, and because I was terrified that I was that way too, I tend to seethe.  Could be because I’m a Virgo-Scorpio 😉

I haven’t screamed in a long time.  I did in October of last year.  My ex was fucking with me.  At that point, we hadn’t had sex in about three-weeks, so she was chatting with me on the phone like she did once or twice a week.  She said, “We are just not priorities in each other’s lives right now,” during our chat.  But, I heard, “We are just not a priority in your life right now.”  I lost it.  It was pent up stuff that she had always projected on to me regarding how I didn’t hustle for her, didn’t meet her needs, and wasn’t right for her.  That is the last time that I raised my voice and was irrational.

I talked with my partner last night on the phone.  So funny, because it’s rare for us to not be sleeping next to one another now, but I just had to talk to her before I went to bed, so I did.  I’m prone to worry.  We both tended to agree that we won’t fight actively, but will instead have spats and little tense moments of speaking in mean tones, etc.  I need to tell her that what works when we are under stress is quiet for both of us.  One time we wound up being in bed an entire day and ate very little.  We had to power eat two meals nearly back to back and were both slightly edgy.  We took turns cooking parts of it while the other was pretty quiet and either wrote or listened to music.  Adding down time when we are stressed is good.  I also told her that we need a fighting journal.  She can write down her impact of stuff that I do and say, and then I can read and validate it.  Seems good.

I dated a woman pretty recently at the end of summer and the beginning of fall.  She is a mess and not consistent.  Those girls are attracted to me.  I’m boring and stable.  When she got withdrawn and did some push-pull, I just disengaged from her.  She was pretty and all that, but I want a lot more than good-looking.  I didn’t understand well, being concrete, why she meant much of anything to me.  Much of her was the idea of her–four boys and into me.  My son doesn’t even mention her kids, because he saw them twice, I think.  Anyway, I’m actually getting things now as I piece stuff together.

In a couple of vivid dreams that I had, my partner was in them.  In one dream, she was riding a horse in a stall on a grainy video shot when she was a child.  I closed my phone–I thought because it was a film of my ex-although the video was my partner, and at that time, I was not ready to be with my partner.  In another dream the woman who I dated tried to give me a gingery brown cat, and one of my readers asked what the cat meant.  It didn’t mean what I thought that it did, because it was my partner.  I wasn’t ready to tend to her quite yet.  I tried to give her back.

I have a friend who introduced the woman who I dated a bit.  She kept telling me that I was in love with this woman; although, I knew that I wasn’t, I danced with the idea that somebody had my heart.  She has.  She always has.  But, it was not the woman who I was with.  It was my partner.

Looking at her pictures on FB five or more years ago with our friend caused me to wish that she would move back home.  It was a pull.  It was a draw.  When she got off of the couch to shake my hand and flash that gorgeous smile of hers in the summer of 2012, I felt it everywhere.  We became good friends.  Now, we are where we are supposed to be.

We put together the frame of the picture in June of 2012, and I had started with some corner pieces and edges.  She filled in pieces of unusual size while she let me into her heart as a good friend.  Then we put the whole thing together when I told her, “I need to see how this feels,” while taking her by the hand, pulling her against me and then nuzzling the nape of her neck and kissing the notch at the base of her throat.  Everything is together.  I can see the picture.  I had posted a real picture in reference to the wrong woman in this blog, and only now do I know exactly what was on that horizon.

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Happened

It’s kinda scary when it finally happens.  You find someone who doesn’t criticize you when you don’t do something right and who supports you, because she actually does believe that love is unconditional.  I can remember my ex always saying, “Love isn’t enough,” and it really rankled me, because 1) I believe that it is, and 2) It was a harsh piece of evidence that she was breaking up with me from the get-go.  Not a way that I’d want to live.

I’m liking:

  1. Care and consideration
  2. Warm cuddles when we are together
  3. All the endless laughter about everything
  4. The way that she has always connected, and continues to connect with my son
  5. Our amazing sex life
  6. The way she treats and interacts with my son
  7. What we are building
  8. How much she nurtures and takes care of me
  9. When she sings and plays instruments
  10. Her eyes, body, mouth

That’s enough and more than I could have ever asked for.  I used to just want sexy, smart, and consistent.  Now, I’m with my dream.

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Fruition

I should probably be scared.  But, I’m not.  I have not been paralyzed with fear in nearly two-years.  I got through that phase of my life and am grateful to be here as a result of all the learning that I’ve done.

We talked on the phone for an hour last night, and then I didn’t want to lift weights.  She made me feel relaxed, loved, listened to, and appreciated.  I’m loving this relationship.  She had spent the night down here with us the night before, and I loved seeing her leave for work and knowing that she was mine.

I’m going to take her to dinner and a musical at one of the high schools where a boy who I work with attends next Saturday. When you’re queer, at times, you just move into an ltr, and that is definitely what I did.  I did that with my ex who I refer to as Bette, but otherwise, I have adopted organic development and flow.

Never thought that the timing would align and I would get my chance with her.  The circumstances don’t even particularly feel like a chance.  She is really smart, so when we talked after I got my Dear John email nearly three-weeks ago, she asked for my email address and sent me some information about planetary shifts that were occurring over that particular weekend.  I was hurt about the method of breakup from the woman who I had dated, so I confided what I wanted to say to her.  Then she said, “you’re a major catch and you deserve someone who treats you as such.”

Those were all the words of encouragement that I ever needed.  I was going to pursue her given those phrases being my green light.  Little did I know that in that particular email, when she scheduled a time with her Mom and boyfriend for us to cook and be together on a Saturday, she “knew that we’d be together by then.”  I like that.  I like that until I went there on the 8th of September–I didn’t know her Mom at that point because she and her ex-girlfriend had been housesitting for her and her Mom’s boyfriend–I had not let my more pointed crush begin.  I wanted to tell her that day that I wanted to be with her, but neither of us dealt with it that day.  It took six more weeks.  I’m so lucky that I didn’t let desire take me over when she was in a relationship.  Now, we will all be there at the house with her family, and we are as we should be.

  1. She’s confident
  2. She’s beautiful
  3. She is pure light
  4. Her mouth, body, and eyes are incredibly beautiful
  5. Her skin deserves its own category of reverence
  6. She’s bright
  7. She’s funny
  8. We have an amazing intimate connection
  9. She wants a real ltr
  10. She is not scared of conflict

Well, I’m sold.  There is no way that my 40th birthday will pass and I’ll not ask her to be my partner.  I would like to do that in July at some point.  I want it to have a reason behind the date…

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Getting here

We actually wound up talking every night following her leaving on Monday morning.  I haven’t done that before.  Ever.  With my ex, she would have truncated conversations with me while she drove home and most of the time shoot me a goodnight text, but if her day was particularly bad, she would say mean stuff to me or make accusations.  In other words, it was fine to NOT have  a goodnight call.

My girlfriend and I don’t run out of things to talk about, and we were like that when we were friends.  I reminded her that we have always been like that.   She would call to make some plans to see me, and we’d wind up talking for 45-minutes; although, she only had 15, and she would help me with things, and of course, as it is now, we’d laugh and laugh.

I’m leaning toward feeling like this path was the right timing, because we both learned some things that were non-negotiable from our last relationships.  We both want connection and passion.  We both want to be treated very well and cared for by the other.  The thing is that now that we both have it, we are given to long amounts of pause.  She wonders if she deserves it, and I wonder if I’ll do something stupid and she will just break up with me.  That’s what had happened with my ex, and that is what happened with the woman who I just dated.  I want us to talk.  I want to make compromises.

From what I can tell, the women with whom she has lived with have just kind of faded.  I think that this a common dynamic for the woman who is the nurturer.  I’m sure that it can happen in straight relationships too.  The thing is that I have this incredible amount of passion for her, I would not fade away from that, because I want to make love to her all of the time.  I get how that will shift a little when we live together, but I have wanted a deep connection like this one for so long.  I have also wanted to fall deeply in love.  I’m here now.

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Just like the rest of it

I figured that we would listen to music, read, maybe talk about some stuff, etc.  I pulled her into my house and started kissing her and she moved to the couch.  Then, I said, “We don’t have to do it on the couch like teenagers, I have a big bed and we can do that.”  Then when we adjourned, we talked and laughed.

And LAUGHED.  I can’t believe how much we laugh and how similar our sense of humor is.  Did you know that this dynamic will create goodness for us and our relationship?  Check out #12.

#12 may be good, but it’s also weird

God, I can’t believe how satisfying it was too.  We got to it after about half an-hour of talking and kissing.  Then it was obvious that we were sooooo compatible sexually.  At one point, she gasped and said, “My Gaaaawd.  This is the first time too.  Seriously?!?”  Then, it was back to more cuddling and eventually some more sex.  Finally after 2, she realized that I had to sleep because I had class, but I didn’t want her to leave.  I said, “We should do it as many more times as we are able.  I love it when the sun is coming up.”  She indicated that she has always wanted to do that, and I thought about it, and it’s only happened for me about three times total.

When I think about our lovemaking, I realize that is just our dynamic.  We don’t stop too well.  She almost didn’t leave at all.  I can’t wait until Sunday.  I haven’t been with an actual lesbian in YEARS.  We laugh, we connect, we are hopeful.  I’m really in love.

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Pandora

I stream it all the time.  However, I do think that making love to her tonight will be like opening a lot of doors, windows, and perhaps breaking through walls.  She is going to come over very soon.  She is dog sitting though and can’t spend the night.  I have class first thing in the morning, which will be difficult because I didn’t sleep much this week.  Yesterday and today were also a complete wash at work, because all I could do was think about her.

Being able to delay it anymore was not an option anyway, because last night we made out for most of the night and lost where we were.  I could barely muster enough gumption to finally leave, and got home super late and as a result got very little sleep.  I know that you just can’t keep that up waiting for sex when you are kissing like we were and have that much chemistry.  Then there is this whole backdrop to our relationship wherein I had the love at first sight nearly a year-and-a-half ago, and she felt my energy even before I had fully entered the house then.  She remembered the month, what I had in my hands, and then the way that she felt.  I told her that a woman as beautiful as her who had a brand-new girlfriend was irritating to me.  The irritation grew as I realized how easily we talked and how compatible we were over the course of the next year.

Now, we have talked about what we both want, and that is building something with each other.  I’m not even scared, because she is so different than any woman who I have been with, and seems to be seeking laughter, being open, having a spiritual connection to the world and to want someone who is affirmative and attracted to who she is.  She is smoking hot and completely sexy.  We laughed so hard last night that the deepest muscles in our stomachs ached.  We talked about everything under the sun.  God and how journeys unfold was a topic that came up organically as we made a meal in her little kitchen.  From the minute we embraced in her living area and I could feel her against me, I felt more passion than I can remember.  I whispered in her ear, “The women who you have been with are completely crazy.  I would never have a moment when I didn’t want to have sex with you.”   She laughed and started kissing me.

I’m a little bit scared about the sexual intimacy.  I have to admit that.  I know that I’m good in bed, but it’s been forever–nearly 11-months–and these stakes are so high.  It shall also yield NEVER going back.  It also will solidify that we are falling in love.  We will have changed and I will crave her even more than I already do.

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Keep up this pace

I’m unsure if I will ever get to have a conversation with my former girlfriend.  I’m tending toward thinking that just reconnecting with our kids occasionally, and starting that after the first of the year is best.  One of my friends said it best, “I’m ready for a relationship–PSYCH!”  Although I laughed really hard and it made me feel better and like she got it, it’s actually really sad.  If you think that starting that conversation in any type of text is ok, then honestly, you are really a mess.  I have compassion for her.  That is bad judgment and lacks some empathy too.  Although I do love her, I wouldn’t want to talk to her at this point.  And, I’m not going to.  When she calls, I will listen the voicemail and when I can will text, “I don’t want to take your calls.  You initiated this topic of conversation in email, so it’s just as well that this thread ends there.  I’ll shoot you an email tonight.  Maybe we can connect in person with our kids in a few months.  _______ loves your boys.”

You may remember the-girl-next-door or my friend from the swings.  This is how I met her.  I was off with my ex, because that is what she would do, she would break up with me for months.  It was the summer of 2012.  One of my dearest friends was home from HI at that point, and I went to one of her friend’s houses who is kinda my friend too.  A woman who I had heard about for nearly ten-years was supposed to also come to her house because she had just moved back from the NW, and I had just met her sisters.  They were really cute.  All strawberry blonds, tall, and lanky.  Then, enter HER–she was chilling and resting when I got in the house.  In a sundress so her sleeve tatt was completely exposed.  Some moments actually are breathtaking.  We shook hands and then she smiled her sweet smile.  I kept thinking, “Why did you JUST have to have met a new girl?!?”

But, that was June of 2012.  Flashforward to February of this year when I had dinner with her and her same girlfriend who she had just met upon moving home. That night was pivotal for me.  I was still very attracted to her, but because I felt so at ease in her mother’s house (They were house sitting.) and around them, I just tabled it.  The night was incredible.  I posted the food, which is a little crazy as I blog incognito, but what was most salient was that I just had easy fun.  I never had times like that with my ex.  I don’t mean this six-week stint with the beautiful woman, but I mean the woman who has imparted so much to me, that I can’t be anything, but grateful.  Most times with her were miserable or she was on my ass.  This night with the-girl-next-door and her girlfriend was a blast.  It was fun and easy.  It fueled me.

Then we had that Sunday afternoon this past March.  The one in which her girlfriend was doing homework.  We actually played on the swings!  Then my crush began.  So, it started as a love at first sight thing, and then moved into a crush that I tabled.  However, we must also note that when I found out that she was single late this summer, I was THRILLED.  Then I found out that another woman was in that mix; although, it was that both of them had another woman who they slept with, those resulted in impacts.  I think that open is hard to do well, and that is the one thing that makes me jealous.  I’m not a jealous person, but sex and kissing is something that I don’t want my girlfriend to be doing with anyone else while she is with me.

Her relationship ended on Saturday, and I think that mine did too, but I was foolish, and didn’t know it until very late on Sunday night.  When we hung up on Saturday morning, she said, “I’ll text you later.”  She never contacted me again.  So, I just did what I had been doing over the last three-weeks and that was send her a well-wishing email.  I certainly received her perspective, but just can’t follow what she does.  I was only supposed to connect with her on Friday with our friend, and our boys, and then she told me her plans with them and the start time on Saturday, and I said, “Why don’t you just get that all settled there, and then text when you’re ready for another adult to join and I’ll just meet up with you?”  She liked that then.  That is the case with her, she likes some ideas on the fly, but then who knows what will still sound good to her.  That now includes me.  I’m worth way too much.

So, here I am.  I’m seeing a woman on Thursday for dinner who has always been my friend, but who I have had a crush on for over a year-and-a-half.  She needs some space.  She has not been with the woman who was in the middle of her breakup with her girlfriend in a month, but she has had some dates with another woman.  This particular woman is only friendship material though.

I just got out of something that had major potential from only my pov at the beginning of this week.  So, I am going to need a minute too.  I just want space from the woman who I was dating.

Dinner with the-girl-next-door.  I don’t need to kiss her.  I do want to get my arms around her and laugh with her.  She is also easy for me. My son will be there, because she has always known my son.  She is really good with him too.  My heart was about to burst watching her with him this past March.  (That entry is entitled, “A little danger,” or something to that effect, if you’re interested.)

He never fails to notice anything, so I’ll just bet that when we are driving back home that he will ask again and again if he will still get to see the boys.  That’s what I will preserve.  I don’t have any plans to begin those efforts for awhile.  She needs space to get through telling me that she doesn’t want to date.  I need some space from having the tablecloth pulled off the table, but then realizing that the stemware is unscathed.  I can thank my ex for that.  She has ensured that I am nearly formidable.

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That was a record

I sent her a little encouraging, well-wishing email yesterday, and I got back a corpse-like response right before bedtime.  It wasn’t even signed, “Love,” and was formal and business-like.  It’s saying that we are not working for her and that she knows some of what it is, but it’s not helpful to email.  I am leaning toward just leaving it at “Ouch,” and that I didn’t see it coming and feel foolish.  I’m not known for brevity, so it’s not like I didn’t write more, but I’m not inclined to having a conversation about it.  That’s where I am when I woke up.  I feel like if you write a Dear John email, it’s not only distasteful, but it is also slightly mean.  I was very kind to her and her family.

I texted the woman with whom I had that emotional affair and told her that the worst thing was that I have to tell my son.  I got some clarity while talking to her via text.  I don’t have to say much of anything.  I can keep saying that she is busy, because she is, and that I don’t know when he will see her little boys again.  And, I don’t.  When he pushes me, and he will, I will just say that she doesn’t have time to tend to a relationship.  Honestly, I think that she is either not gay enough, or not well enough with where she is on her journey to attend to a relationship.

I learned that I love being at ease with someone.  I do too.  It’s easy and pleasant, and I love to laugh.  I also am open to another mother, but would prefer that it is not one who I already know.  I have compassion for her and enjoyed my times with her.  I definitely love her, but had not fallen in love, so it’s unlikely that I will even shed a tear.  I will always have some love for her even if I don’t see her again or for a long time.  It’s not dramatic for me.  It’s just sad, weird, and not stable.

Here is what I dreamt.  It was another vivid one.

I was talking to her in her house, and she was mostly matter-of-fact.  It wasn’t sterile, because she still smiled and laughed a lot, but it was not warm or sexual at all.  I finally had to talk through what it did to me.  I told her that it was like a “brain scramble.”  Meaning that I thought one thing and then felt very fucked over and it happened so suddenly that I couldn’t make any sense of it.  She seemed to not be following what I was saying, so I used a gross metaphor, and motioned as if I had a wooden spoon above my head and was stirring my brain.  I said it basically to let her know that it was like mindfuck.  I also told her that her disconnection that seemed like a slow demise was like thin rock sheaths being stripped off of my heart in layers.  I told her it hurt.  That seemed more salient for her, but she didn’t apologize.  She seemed sympathetic, which just annoyed me.

Then I had to gather my son and say “Goodbye” to her boys.  I really love her baby boy, and he and I seem to have a bond.  It hurt too.  Then in the dream, she actually had four cats.  (She does have a couple.)  She was insistent that we take a ginger brown one who was docile and sweet.  I emphatically said, “No.”  I kept having to explain that I don’t want a cat and that I am not sure that I could take care of one well and that our dog bothers cats.  I got away from her and the cat in a towel, but she brought it to my house.  I told her that I didn’t have time or inclination to train my dog with a cat.  I told her that I would foster him for a little bit and then adopt him out.

I’m not going to push anything on her.  I’m not going to pursue her.  I’m not going to win her back over.  I don’t even care to hear her side of it.  I thought it a strange way to show up when she hadn’t emailed me back in over a week and texted me only a handful of times.  Then this is what I get in response to my innocuous and gentle one.  Fuck that.  It’s just not stable enough for me to seek out or invest energy investigating.  I didn’t like it.

I deserve good treatment.  I know that I am a helluva catch.  I’m glad that I had some ease with strikingly beautiful woman for 6-weeks.  Would have been nice to have slept more than 3-hours last night though 😦

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Nebulous and flowing

I talked with my friend who facilitated my being able to be with my girlfriend.  My artist.  She says that she is my sherpa, and I don’t get that.  I don’t know why she says that she is my nomadic, mountain woman.  I will tell you that I miss her eyes, touch and laugh right now sitting on my couch sipping a beer.

I was smoking pissed and hurt with this same friend when she cancelled on my artist and I a month ago and then sent me mean texts that remind me of my ex.  Explanation points and telling me to fuck off was not what I wanted.  That has faded.  But, I am still much more comfortable doing my own thing at my house.  I’m liking my house a lot and have cleaned up a lot of closets and the like.  I’m going to do that more today.  I don’t want to write.  I’m going to get up at 3:30 and do that tomorrow.

Right now, I want to write about what my friend (who connected my girl and I and also cancelled) said about my dreams.  She agreed that I was working through limits that I have set with friends who are on the periphery of my life, and she said something really interesting to me about the dream about my ex.  She thinks that I have finally “closed up shop” so to speak and she said that it is because I am in love with my girlfriend.  She didn’t use that metaphor, but it meant “done and done,” which is how I felt even before I hung out for a night with my artist.  She told me that the themes in the dream were of children, because my ex, if she did ever contact me again would want to appear carefree and childlike.  Well, she is NOT.  She is dark and angry.  She has passion, but the other side of that passion is fucking scary.  I can’t navigate her moods or her pawn making.  That was when I had the beginning of the emotional affair that I did.  Of course, I was talking outside and as I rounded the corner, there she was!  She was walking with her two kids.  Of course she was.

That is when I put my ex to bed.  That night, my son and I fought like crazy because he was hungry and we couldn’t find the restaurant.  While we fought, I confronted my ex on why she was forming a friendship with my cousin and her kids.  That was low, and weird.  While she would only say how it happened, I realized that there is no why with this woman.  There are only linear, sequential stories in which everyone wants to be close to her.  That’s her.  When I got to my car again, after my son and I ate, made up, wound up having a good night, and I was driving back home, I had heavy flirtation from this woman.  This interaction culminated in a two or three-day emotional affair.  That was the night that I got the goods who my ex is, laid her to rest, and realized that I could have heavy passion for another woman.

And I did.  That’s gone.  She has a beautiful voice and eyes, but I would never want anything with her.  It’s just not there.  She was my “closer” for the end of my ex.  And there she was when my friend was analyzing my dream, and telling me that I am in love with my girlfriend and that I am dreaming about her, because I was in love with her, and now my heart belongs to someone else.  Could that be true?

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Probably just a little weird

Vivid dreams are typically unsettling.  When I was little, and I mean really little, I dreamt about knives and assailants all of the time.  They were violent and graphic; although, I can remember them, they are not worth writing in here due to the gratuity of media.  Those are best for a conversation and like many, I don’t think that I’ve had those even with my psychologist who I saw for years.  I get that I work stuff out in my dreams.

The company had taken away my car insurance.  They had raised the amount to $1000 monthly if I wanted it, and then it would have to be underwritten and approved if I was ever to get it.  A lawyer called me and said that I could no longer drive, and if I did, I would be incarcerated.  My mother was there and was signing documents, and then my ex-husband came in and said that he wanted nothing to do with it.

There are financial issues.  They are not insurmountable, but I will have to see how my business launch for side work goes this summer.  I also need to teach every term in a blended class.  That seems to be the wave of the future, and although I prefer everything being f2f, that is not the way that the world works in the wake of this economy and social shifting as a result of computers and Internet.

I think that there are people who I just don’t want to engage with.  I think that shadow aspects were explicit in this first dream.  I don’t want to be leaned on so heavily that I lose myself or have no reciprocity.  I have told three friends over the last month that I don’t want to hang out right now.  I don’t.

The other dream was real too.  I woke up and at the top of my Droid there was an icon that is typically in the window of settings in an actual camera.  It was a video camera icon and it meant that someone had sent me a video recording.  I opened it like it was a message and it went into a video shot in a pasture with fences all around.  The film quality were those muted colors from the 70s.  A little, short-haired, blond, freckled girl was jumping onto a saddled horse.  There were men in stetsons all around her who were clapping and encouraging her, and then the shot got more macro and she was riding around, but I closed it and deleted it.

It’s a good thing to not hear from or be bothered by my ex.  However, there is something energetic that I feel right now.  I don’t know what it is, but I do know that she is more moody than usual around the holidays.  I would never reach out, because I don’t want her show.  That’s what she does.  It’s a well-orchestrated performance which includes everything that you’d ever want to hear, because she is an incredible listener and also a chessmaster.  It’s so different than standard manipulation.  It’s surrounding yourself with pawns who do your bidding because you have “goods” on them or know exactly how to motivate them.  I know her deal.  However, she showed up in my dreams.

It’s all time.  It’s just waiting and seeing.  I love my girlfriend, but I can tell that I’m not in love.  I don’t know if we are building anything.  I trust that we love each other and have positive feelings for each other, but I have no clue what the next several months will entail.  I suppose it doesn’t matter.  Right now, I love her, am hopeful, am not involved or overextended in anything, and can write and go to class because she is not possessive or does she expect much time with me.  We enjoy each other when it happens.  We shall see what the ceiling is on what could be.  That could take months, but I love being with her when I can.

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As you age

When you have a seven-year-old, a nine-year-old, and a twelve-year-old in the house together, and you have been raising an only, it has some “dynamics.”  I think that I may be dropping my son off today at his best friend’s house.  It should be my ex-husband’s weekend, but he has flu, so I don’t think that I will be able to get my normal time. Given that my boy had a lot of trouble not driving the bus with a card game, and wanted to change the rules so nobody could follow it, and really just wanted to play video games, I should take him on a long walk with our dog today and then have him read.  He is truly the quintessential only child.  I do rather wish that could change.

She ran up and kissed me and said, “Baby!” when I came in the house.  The woman who connected us was right behind me.  My girlfriend has a way of making those things just work again.  I have only been with two middle children.  I like that.  They are natural mediators.

You know how you have something in your head that doesn’t happen and it’s hard?  I just wanted her to hold me when I came in.  I asked to hug me when we were leaving and she was exhausted and I traced the top of her back, which is really beautiful and moved her hair off of it.  It’s like drinking her in when we are that close.  I also like feeling where her sit bones are against my thighs when I lay sideways and she bends her knees over my legs. Our connection is good and many times our affection is sensual and is always tender.  I was glad that we connected even if we had another girl there and our little boys.

I was supposed to see her and the little boys again today for a Halloween activity, but I don’t know if my son will cooperate.  He gets scared with costumes and has always been terrified of animatronics. I will probably just drop him off at his best friend’s house for a few hours.  He has a game today, and I’ll definitely enjoy that, but then I want some time with my girlfriend and her little boys, if that is a possibility.

I’m ready to settle down.  I wound up in a str8 marriage as a child, and continued it because I’m loyal and he was my buddy.  Then when he continued the path of anger and rage toward me, I just didn’t want that anymore.  I didn’t want to be with him, and we separated, he moved to AK, and I did the solo thing in the big house.  I sure have gotten good at keeping up with this place, and the funny thing was that it was before our son!  I would have left him then (2005), but I suddenly got pregnant and thought that we should try.

I want to put out the intention to be living with someone after I turn 40.  I want to have family, navigate situations with a few kids, and have arms around me when I wake up.  I want to nurture and connect to a woman who has my whole heart, and connects me to the world.

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Balance 8.22.08

I can’t believe that I wrote this entry five-years ago.  Until I reached the age that I am right now, I had no idea what people meant when they talked about how quickly time passes.  Five-years…  This one is a re-blog, but I want to look at it, because I feel as if I am finally getting my balance with where I’m headed in my life.

Balance.  Do we even know what the hell this word means?  I cannot believe the way in which everything is overdone: work, activity, even the way in which we approach relationships.  I’m kinda sick–I sneezed and my nose ran all day to day, but it was a decided improvement upon the incessant headache and sinus pressure that I’ve had for over two weeks.  When colds finally hit me, I feel a sense of release that is foreign.  I think it’s because I don’t actually let go too well.  Americans even take Yoga about 3 times a week to practice “letting go.”  Isn’t that utterly ludicrous?!?  How the hell do you practice that?  People talk about moderation, but I’m sure that I have not mastered it.

I am going to hike with my son tomorrow.  Desiring grocery shopping is not what I would call part of my evening, but it is necessary.  I may hook up with my friend and her son, but am cool if I don’t.  I am cool with most things these days.  I have to be…

I would like to have some physical intimacy…  Would I overdo that?  I think that my goal is to actually ensure that I am varying my activities and letting things unfold as they should.  I’m sure that I’ve said these statements before, but they are starting to make increasingly more sense to me.  I think that I understand that I need to be patient with myself to fully listen to others who I truly love.

PS.  I get it.  I understand what balance is too, as I have let go of extremity and fervor.  It’s little smatterings of the things that I used to enjoy more than I do now, and connecting to those who have an energy level that matches mine.  Enjoying whatever unfolds without expectation is helping me too.  No poison.  I’m not anyone’s therapist who knows me either.

I am not overdoing sexual intimacy, and in fact, I am not able to overdo connecting with my current girlfriend either based on what she has going on in her life as she focuses on strengthening and balancing her energy.  I’m not overdoing anything right now, but I must embrace that as I have come to center, that I can connect with people only when it makes sense.

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Time to unwind

Work was just slightly weird today.  I had too many meetings, I think.  I was exhausted by the time that I left and then I had to come home, switch over laundry, help my dog stretch her legs, pack up tons of food and head to my parents house.

While I was cooking, I needed oil and vinegar.   That was it.  You’d have thought that I was ruining their lives.  My mother also stared at me while I cooked, and was wiping the counters around me.  That combined with the fact that my Dad was upset that I didn’t bring over take out put me over the edge.  That’s the way that I grew up.  They were always in my ass and it never ceased and nothing that I could do was right and they had to monitor and “show” me what I was doing wrong.  I’m going to have to figure out something else to do with my son on November 11th.  He can’t be around that, and frankly, if I hadn’t had a beer while I cooked and my Dad was saying that he couldn’t play with my son because too much was going on–meaning my dog smelled him a couple of times and he had to get the olive oil for me–I couldn’t have either.

It was a difficult 45-minutes of cooking, but the food was good.  My Dad commenced to eat nearly all the food as soon as I put it all out.  We had sockeye salmon with tarragon and balsamic vinegar, a nice salad, the best brussels sprouts in the world, and saffron basmati.  I asked him if he’d eaten today and he said he had oatmeal and four prunes.  When you’re Bipolar and your blood sugar drops, you are a real treat.  It’s amazing at 73 that he doesn’t manage his calories better.

I hugged my son and I left.  Poor guy.  I’m glad that tomorrow is his last day off from school.

I ran about 2.25-miles on the treadmill and felt soooo much better.  Then I walked my dog around the lake at night to do an outdoor night warm down.  I dropped off some materials at a colleague’s house and talked to my best friend from graduate school.  Her cancer may be back, and her best friend there has stage 4 colon cancer.  Now, those are real problems.  Mine with parents is just sad.  They feel better when they can tell me what I do wrong.  I’m just fine.

I do miss my girlfriend.  She has been out of contact due to family stress, and she has her little boys this evening.  It’s ok, but I really, really hope that I get to see her again.  I miss having her arms around me and looking into those perfect hazel eyes.  I’m turning in.  I hope that she contacts me tomorrow.  I want to connect with her and don’t know how she is doing really.