I worked through a lot of things in this blog, and so I am not going to write here any longer. I’ll leave it up for another year, and then will take it down. I’m going to start a brand-new blog as me. I happily abandon dating, despair, pretending that I can work with women with whom I’m not compatible, and needing self-of-therapist activities nearly everyday. I thank all of my readers and those who stopped by to Like a post. I appreciate everything that you imparted to me over the last two-years. It’s now time for me to write anything that I want to as myself.
Tag Archives: Communication
Conflict and Timing
We don’t have them. A little more than a month ago, I had intended to explore fully a more solid friendship than I had with my partner. So, after my latest dating stint ended, I texted a woman with whom I had an emotional affair, and then my one-who-got-away. She didn’t get away. She’s my partner. We are going to get engaged in December.
I have not fought well or communicated well with my girlfriends. To date, I have not had a fight with my partner. There was a moment when we could have fought and fought badly. Instead she asked me some honest questions and cried a little. I sat on it for a couple of days, made a plan, did all of it, and asked her if my decision was ok. And it was for her. We just get each other and respect each other as well. We did a communication meeting last night, and we decided that what we really do well is talk about things which are difficult and be nakedly vulnerable. I know that is a good start.
At work today, my office partner who also works with kids and families in mental health told me that she saved the very first chat that she had over old school IM with her now husband. She said that the whole thing is embarrassing to both of them now, because they were trying to show favorable sides to each other.
I liked that my partner also saved our original exchanges. About three weeks ago, my partner made a document in Word called, “_______ and ______: A Lovestory,” and it started with my first FB message which said, “Nice to finally meet you in person, _______ .” I told her that I wanted to help her move so she could see how strong I was. At that point, nearly 18-months ago, I was off with my ex and stayed off until that August when we tried to date for two months. I would have loved to dated my partner, but we weren’t in the right places.
It begs the question, would she and I be fighting if we didn’t wait for our moment? I’ve loved her since those damn swings, and I have been thinking that she was intriguing from the first time I saw her picture when our mutual friend showed me her years ago. I can’t believe that we are together. We get along extremely well and have spent most days together recently. She’ll be back tomorrow and in a wonderful sense of synchronicity, the friend who is responsible for us being together, is in town and having dinner at our house. That is good timing too.
Who needs to fight?
I told her that I had my quota when she said that I would fight with her in the grocery store. That’s honest too. One, why the hell would you fight in the grocery store? I love food, eating, walking, and she is someone who I love to talk to or simply just hang out with and do whatever. I’m perverse at times, so I pointed out three different couples who were talking and sauntering about the grocery store. Finally, as we neared the back of the store yesterday, there was a couple–two girls–who were visibly arguing and having lots of tension in the grocery store. I wanted to pass them quickly, but she is pretty observant. So, when I saw her see them, I made a plan.
We exited the aisle and I said, “Ok. I do realize that was the only gay couple who we’ve seen today and they were fighting,” and then she does what she does. Her head tilts back and she laughs hard. It always makes a warm smile drift across my face and most of the time, I start laughing too, or I just hug her. Then she pulled me to her, kissed me and said, “See? People fight in the grocery store.” I told her, “I don’t want to,” but as is the case with her, I had a huge smile across my face.
There is more. We could have had conflict around my misunderstanding about evenings and dinners–it was something that just didn’t sit well with me earlier in the week–as she was busy all week and we couldn’t see each other easily or could we talk. Instead, we went outside after 5 on Saturday when the boys were engaged in boy things, and she talked to me about what a team is, and what a new girlfriend is and how it’s always her desire for me to express my needs or just be honest with all of my feelings when I don’t want to do something or simply just can’t easily. Also, as I guess she just is, she was nakedly vulnerable with me about her last two relationships and what she believes about independence.
So, as it turned out, I didn’t have to have, or even request a discussion. We just organically talked about where we were with respect to our relationship, and what could be a compromise on seeing each other during the week when it works easily. OK. Wow. I’m sure that some of you have read “discussions” that I had with my ex. Or should I say my trying to bring things up, and then feeling like I was in a duck and cover drill?
I don’t think it’s realistic for me to try to avoid to make comparisons based on contrast. She is so different than anyone who I’ve been with over the last four years. She is easy and genuine, and an enviable adult when it comes to communication. It think that it’s safe to say that I love this woman, and she has admitted that she thinks that she loves me too. I can’t wait until there is one of those right moments and I can just say, “I love you.” Because, I do, and I think that I have met my match.
We wound up making out in her bathroom about three times yesterday. I was helping her with her hair. We got really physical. She is the most affectionate of anyone who I have been with, and that combined with how attracted I am to her makes it difficult not to go further than we should yet. I love her eyes, mouth, and body. It’s a wicked attraction, and I’ll admit that I have never been this comfortable with a woman either. We can talk, we can sit, we can make meals together, or we can have conversations that are rooted in compromise. I think all of these things make it safe to say that I’m going to be in love for the first time with someone with whom I could make something work.