Tag Archives: Love

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Engagement

I gave her a playlist on a CD, and a pink journal to write her dreams in and also things for our wedding.  I had taken what I remember from seeing her through my friend’s FB and then finally meeting her in July of 2012 for the words, and then songs that I listened to during the torturous part of 2013 before we finally got our timing together.  Before we left, we made love, and were able to reflect on the holiday season and the time that we had with her sister who surprised the family with a visit.  We had an incredible time with her listening to hair rock and playing Super Nintendo’s Super Mario World.  It was a retro fest of love.

Her sister drove home on Friday–which takes about 11-12 hours, and afterward we cleaned out our pantry after I had brought my dog back from the dog park.  We had to drive back to her kick-ass apartment and pack it.  Her mother and her mother’s boyfriend are in GA and left their SUV, so we were able to basically get everything down to our house.  I don’t think that there is much left, and we hung some shelving and got things into the pantry.  It was a really busy day before we left to get engaged.

We drove two-and-a-half hours, and then soaked in springs until night fall.  The first night was cloudy, but it was very nice.  The stars were phenomenal the second night.  We took a small hike today.  I love her.  I love being engaged.  I love starting my life on stable ground.

View from the trailhead

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Adjustments

We’ll be making them winter through the spring, I would imagine.  I’m excited to sleep with her every night and not just for physical reasons, but because I wake up a lot earlier when she is not here because I wonder what she’s doing.  It is nice that we both sleep well next to each other given our level of trust that we have for each other.

I had a long day yesterday.  I wasn’t done with work until 6 and then I had to drive to our church because my son had to learn his percussion part for the Christmas services.  The woman with whom I had that emotional affair was there and she looked tired given that she is going through a brutal divorce.  At the end of the night, I hugged her super tight and told her that I was sorry.  I’m not sure that she has been held like that.  It made me think that my partner and I have something really special.  We hold each other tight all the time, and I don’t think that is something that everyone gets.

Apparently, the woman who my partner had half-heartedly tried to date exclusively who she met when she was ending her relationship called her last night too.  I was thinking that it was probably around the time that I had hugged the woman at church.  She told me that she would have to call me back when I called her because this woman was really sick.  When I say that it’s not because she is having surgery, but it’s because she has a condition that is degenerative.  While that is really too bad, I was fuming.  I don’t want her calling my partner because she had every chance in the world to treat her right and was awful.

I told my partner that it was a weird boundary and was gamey.  I asked her to text her that I needed her tonight and that she should reach out to her friends.  I guess that she had told her that the news was so awful that she wanted to tell her instead, because they “weren’t in each other’s lives anymore.”  Whatever.  You had your chance, and you were a shit who wanted side relationships, so there you are.  You got nothing. And honestly, it’s because your foundation was nothing but some open stuff that my partner needed to get space between her and her serious girlfriend–who also called her last night.

I remember nights that I’ve had like this one.  You know when your exes would come out of the woodworks and try to connect with you, and typically it was when I was either dating someone new or having some shifts within myself that propelled me toward wake-ups within myself.  I think that when you’ve been physically intimate with someone more than once, you have a collective of energy between you that can result in universal shifts when you are having new experiences.  That is an adjustment as well.

Here is what I took away that was new:

  1. We honestly don’t fight
  2. My partner is the nicest person who I know
  3. She has fewer exes than me because girls would never want to let her go
  4. I’m looking forward to learning how to encourage her to make this relationship work for her
  5. Timing does it’s own thing and you cannot wield it directionally
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Reflections

I only have three-days of work left and then I go on a fairly long vacation.  It will be nice, given the disruptions to my doctoral process, and because I’m adjusting to my new life.  I’m thinking about how grateful I am again this morning, because I have begun my life with a woman who simply fits into mine by just moving into it.  She doesn’t ask me to defend the way that I do things, but gently comes forward and is accommodating rhythms that we had, yet she adds to them.  Enhancement and comfort is her way and I love it.

I read over my About page on WordPress and realized that it can’t be reworked.  I just need to rewrite it because everything that I’m doing is so new.  I have this amazing partner whose pictures still make me say, “My God, she is so hot,” and yet given our intimate connection when we talk, laugh, and make love, I know that I will not ever date again.  I’m glad too, because I was really sick of dating.

She’s mine.  I can’t believe that, but she is truly mine.  (These kind of assertions make me realize that I will never be Buddhist.)

Tomorrow night we will finally get our tree.  We didn’t sleep together last night, but of course we talked, and I was able to sleep well this time even without her with me last night.  I just sleep better with her there.  I never had a solid night of sleep with my ex.  I guess one time we slept late–until 8–in my bed, but she was so wound up all the time and also needed the tv on so that she could distract herself into falling asleep.  We were just incompatible.

When someone is as gentle as my partner is, you just relax, get warm and sleep.  After talking to me, she was able to get me where she can when we are in bed together.  I was just warm and drifting off to sleep.  I appreciate her way.  I’m lucky to bask in her light and love.

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Gratitude

I feel like I want to write today about things that I’m thankful for because I have been riding this crest of being happy and doing my own thing for some time, but now I’m going to get married next fall.  That is something to be truly grateful for being able to do.

We had Thanksgiving with my parents and my son only at our house last Sunday.  With as busy as I am at work, weeks just fly by, which makes it really hard given that I’m in school, but I can get all my paperwork done because I finally have a deadline.  We had an easy Thanksgiving for the most part, with my father only acting pissy once, because I had him carve while I got Brussels Sprouts, heirloom (purple) sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, and stuffing out.  I think that he wanted just to show up.  Oh well.  It was really easy though, and that is just like our (my partner and I) relationship.

My cousin hosted Thanksgiving the weekend before with her kids, her boyfriend’s two, and my son had an incredible time.  I loved the way that my partner just fit into my family and how much they love her.  The long weekend was just a bit too much running around and social for me, but I got through it.

I spent the actual Thanksgiving Day with her family and their friends, and I think that it went well.  I get the impression that her uncle and some of the other family members are seeing if I’m going to stick around.  Well, first of all, I’m tenacious and hard working, and second of all, I was incredibly attracted to her from the minute that I met her, and it just got worse and worse throughout the spring.  I simply love the guy who married her first cousin, and I’d like to do some cycling with him.  I don’t fall off anymore and understand my gears 🙂  Maybe if I hang out with him at intervals, her family will see that I’m here to stay and waited for my chance with her.  I’m so glad we waited to voice it when she was single though, as it is not sullied by anything and is pure.

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Conflict and Timing

We don’t have them.  A little more than a month ago, I had intended to explore fully a more solid friendship than I had with my partner.  So, after my latest dating stint ended, I texted a woman with whom I had an emotional affair, and then my one-who-got-away.  She didn’t get away.  She’s my partner.  We are going to get engaged in December.

I have not fought well or communicated well with my girlfriends.  To date, I have not had a fight with my partner.  There was a moment when we could have fought and fought badly.  Instead she asked me some honest questions and cried a little.  I sat on it for a couple of days, made a plan, did all of it, and asked her if my decision was ok.  And it was for her.  We just get each other and respect each other as well.  We did a communication meeting last night, and we decided that what we really do well is talk about things which are difficult and be nakedly vulnerable.  I know that is a good start.

At work today, my office partner who also works with kids and families in mental health told me that she saved the very first chat that she had over old school IM with her now husband.  She said that the whole thing is embarrassing to both of them now, because they were trying to show favorable sides to each other.

I liked that my partner also saved our original exchanges.  About three weeks ago, my partner made a document in Word called, “_______ and ______: A Lovestory,” and it started with my first FB message which said, “Nice to finally meet you in person, _______ .”  I told her that I wanted to help her move so she could see how strong I was.  At that point, nearly 18-months ago, I was off with my ex and stayed off until that August when we tried to date for two months.  I would have loved to dated my partner, but we weren’t in the right places.

It begs the question, would she and I be fighting if we didn’t wait for our moment?  I’ve loved her since those damn swings, and I have been thinking that she was intriguing from the first time I saw her picture when our mutual friend showed me her years ago.  I can’t believe that we are together.  We get along extremely well and have spent most days together recently.  She’ll be back tomorrow and in a wonderful sense of synchronicity, the friend who is responsible for us being together, is in town and having dinner at our house.  That is good timing too.

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Puzzle

I can be overly concrete.  Typically, I get fired up too, which could be part of my genetic make-up given that I’m Italian on my Dad’s side, but some of it too, probably comes from the nurture side of the house.  Experts in neurological research say that part is 40% of who we are (our experiences and social learning) is how we are raised and environmental influences.  My father flew off the handle all the time, and because I was terrified that I was that way too, I tend to seethe.  Could be because I’m a Virgo-Scorpio 😉

I haven’t screamed in a long time.  I did in October of last year.  My ex was fucking with me.  At that point, we hadn’t had sex in about three-weeks, so she was chatting with me on the phone like she did once or twice a week.  She said, “We are just not priorities in each other’s lives right now,” during our chat.  But, I heard, “We are just not a priority in your life right now.”  I lost it.  It was pent up stuff that she had always projected on to me regarding how I didn’t hustle for her, didn’t meet her needs, and wasn’t right for her.  That is the last time that I raised my voice and was irrational.

I talked with my partner last night on the phone.  So funny, because it’s rare for us to not be sleeping next to one another now, but I just had to talk to her before I went to bed, so I did.  I’m prone to worry.  We both tended to agree that we won’t fight actively, but will instead have spats and little tense moments of speaking in mean tones, etc.  I need to tell her that what works when we are under stress is quiet for both of us.  One time we wound up being in bed an entire day and ate very little.  We had to power eat two meals nearly back to back and were both slightly edgy.  We took turns cooking parts of it while the other was pretty quiet and either wrote or listened to music.  Adding down time when we are stressed is good.  I also told her that we need a fighting journal.  She can write down her impact of stuff that I do and say, and then I can read and validate it.  Seems good.

I dated a woman pretty recently at the end of summer and the beginning of fall.  She is a mess and not consistent.  Those girls are attracted to me.  I’m boring and stable.  When she got withdrawn and did some push-pull, I just disengaged from her.  She was pretty and all that, but I want a lot more than good-looking.  I didn’t understand well, being concrete, why she meant much of anything to me.  Much of her was the idea of her–four boys and into me.  My son doesn’t even mention her kids, because he saw them twice, I think.  Anyway, I’m actually getting things now as I piece stuff together.

In a couple of vivid dreams that I had, my partner was in them.  In one dream, she was riding a horse in a stall on a grainy video shot when she was a child.  I closed my phone–I thought because it was a film of my ex-although the video was my partner, and at that time, I was not ready to be with my partner.  In another dream the woman who I dated tried to give me a gingery brown cat, and one of my readers asked what the cat meant.  It didn’t mean what I thought that it did, because it was my partner.  I wasn’t ready to tend to her quite yet.  I tried to give her back.

I have a friend who introduced the woman who I dated a bit.  She kept telling me that I was in love with this woman; although, I knew that I wasn’t, I danced with the idea that somebody had my heart.  She has.  She always has.  But, it was not the woman who I was with.  It was my partner.

Looking at her pictures on FB five or more years ago with our friend caused me to wish that she would move back home.  It was a pull.  It was a draw.  When she got off of the couch to shake my hand and flash that gorgeous smile of hers in the summer of 2012, I felt it everywhere.  We became good friends.  Now, we are where we are supposed to be.

We put together the frame of the picture in June of 2012, and I had started with some corner pieces and edges.  She filled in pieces of unusual size while she let me into her heart as a good friend.  Then we put the whole thing together when I told her, “I need to see how this feels,” while taking her by the hand, pulling her against me and then nuzzling the nape of her neck and kissing the notch at the base of her throat.  Everything is together.  I can see the picture.  I had posted a real picture in reference to the wrong woman in this blog, and only now do I know exactly what was on that horizon.

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Fruition

I should probably be scared.  But, I’m not.  I have not been paralyzed with fear in nearly two-years.  I got through that phase of my life and am grateful to be here as a result of all the learning that I’ve done.

We talked on the phone for an hour last night, and then I didn’t want to lift weights.  She made me feel relaxed, loved, listened to, and appreciated.  I’m loving this relationship.  She had spent the night down here with us the night before, and I loved seeing her leave for work and knowing that she was mine.

I’m going to take her to dinner and a musical at one of the high schools where a boy who I work with attends next Saturday. When you’re queer, at times, you just move into an ltr, and that is definitely what I did.  I did that with my ex who I refer to as Bette, but otherwise, I have adopted organic development and flow.

Never thought that the timing would align and I would get my chance with her.  The circumstances don’t even particularly feel like a chance.  She is really smart, so when we talked after I got my Dear John email nearly three-weeks ago, she asked for my email address and sent me some information about planetary shifts that were occurring over that particular weekend.  I was hurt about the method of breakup from the woman who I had dated, so I confided what I wanted to say to her.  Then she said, “you’re a major catch and you deserve someone who treats you as such.”

Those were all the words of encouragement that I ever needed.  I was going to pursue her given those phrases being my green light.  Little did I know that in that particular email, when she scheduled a time with her Mom and boyfriend for us to cook and be together on a Saturday, she “knew that we’d be together by then.”  I like that.  I like that until I went there on the 8th of September–I didn’t know her Mom at that point because she and her ex-girlfriend had been housesitting for her and her Mom’s boyfriend–I had not let my more pointed crush begin.  I wanted to tell her that day that I wanted to be with her, but neither of us dealt with it that day.  It took six more weeks.  I’m so lucky that I didn’t let desire take me over when she was in a relationship.  Now, we will all be there at the house with her family, and we are as we should be.

  1. She’s confident
  2. She’s beautiful
  3. She is pure light
  4. Her mouth, body, and eyes are incredibly beautiful
  5. Her skin deserves its own category of reverence
  6. She’s bright
  7. She’s funny
  8. We have an amazing intimate connection
  9. She wants a real ltr
  10. She is not scared of conflict

Well, I’m sold.  There is no way that my 40th birthday will pass and I’ll not ask her to be my partner.  I would like to do that in July at some point.  I want it to have a reason behind the date…

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Getting here

We actually wound up talking every night following her leaving on Monday morning.  I haven’t done that before.  Ever.  With my ex, she would have truncated conversations with me while she drove home and most of the time shoot me a goodnight text, but if her day was particularly bad, she would say mean stuff to me or make accusations.  In other words, it was fine to NOT have  a goodnight call.

My girlfriend and I don’t run out of things to talk about, and we were like that when we were friends.  I reminded her that we have always been like that.   She would call to make some plans to see me, and we’d wind up talking for 45-minutes; although, she only had 15, and she would help me with things, and of course, as it is now, we’d laugh and laugh.

I’m leaning toward feeling like this path was the right timing, because we both learned some things that were non-negotiable from our last relationships.  We both want connection and passion.  We both want to be treated very well and cared for by the other.  The thing is that now that we both have it, we are given to long amounts of pause.  She wonders if she deserves it, and I wonder if I’ll do something stupid and she will just break up with me.  That’s what had happened with my ex, and that is what happened with the woman who I just dated.  I want us to talk.  I want to make compromises.

From what I can tell, the women with whom she has lived with have just kind of faded.  I think that this a common dynamic for the woman who is the nurturer.  I’m sure that it can happen in straight relationships too.  The thing is that I have this incredible amount of passion for her, I would not fade away from that, because I want to make love to her all of the time.  I get how that will shift a little when we live together, but I have wanted a deep connection like this one for so long.  I have also wanted to fall deeply in love.  I’m here now.

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She told me that she hasn’t really slept next to her girlfriends

We had an incredible night the night before last.  She’s been having some stomach aches that are deep.  There was a woman in a few of my grad classes when I first started this doctoral program who also had a NIA license, and she explained how when your middle chokra is off, you have been too affected by change.  My girlfriend told me that when I’m next to her, and holding her, that her stomach actually feels good.  It has been hurting for months, and she has had to change her diet.  When my son and I were leaving her house on Thursday, she said, “Now, my stomach is hurting again and when we were laying down together it was fine, so I guess that means that I am not supposed to stop cuddling you.”  I always wanted to cuddle her.  When my friend told me that she would be moving home, I looked at her FB and thought that she was so incredibly sexy, and then when I met her a few months later, my attraction to her was obvious.  Now, I need to know who she is and what she desires.

I’m learning about her.  She allows me to nurture and support her and doesn’t start tripping.  That makes me so damn happy, because I have had other girlfriends in the past that didn’t want me to do anything, and would freak the hell out when I did things that are normal for me–cook, put their jacket on, open a door, help them up, write out little cards, etc.  I’ve talked with her about it, and she sees it as willing to truly believe in your heart that you are worthy and deserve good treatment.  I don’t struggle with that as much anymore.  That is why I have not stayed with my last two full-on girlfriends, and the woman who I had just dated.  If you wanna go back and forth, get on a see saw.  If you’re not sure about me, I’ll just help you out and you can watch my little ass adjourn forever.

I understand that she wants to build something with a woman with whom she has a strong emotional, spiritual, and sexual connection, but I am hungry for understanding what she dreams about, and how she sees herself in two years.  Because I really just want to say, “Get a job down here.  Move in.  Let’s make a baby next fall,” and that is super frightening, I tend toward, “Let’s take this whole year and learn how to understand and communicate.  Let’s take a peek into what we both want next fall.”  Plus, she has a wonderful life where she is, so we need an understanding of how we should compromise as a couple.

Last night when we talked on the phone, we were talking about our night together.  We ate salmon, basmati, and asparagus.  Then I put the lentils that I had made for her with onions, garlic, celery, and carrots in a pyrex with a lid with a note on them.  I really don’t want her stomach to hurt anymore, so I have been cooking healing foods.  We talked a ton over dinner, cleaned up just a little, and then adjourned to the bedroom.  We made love for about 3-hours.  Then we slept, and did so pretty damn well.  She told me that she didn’t know if she’d be comfortable with me all night, and that she had never prior–although she has had partners with whom she has cohabited–slept well next to her girl.  ❤

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Party

And, she came to a party with me.  No, let’s be honest, she had little warning, bought a costume and then talked with total strangers and met two of my best friends.  No woman has ever done that for me.

Now I did do some stuff like this for my ex who controlled me.  She had a day long party with the morning being for her son and the evening being a Christmas party.  That day was brutal because I drove 40-miles to her son’s 2nd bday party, drove 35-miles to my parent’s house to drop my son back off, and then drove 35-miles back to her house.  Brutal.  Not only was she mad that night when I wanted to have sex with her, but we had an awkward breakfast because she and her cousin had thrown away my favorite hat that my son had lain in the mud room.

My girlfriend, totally last minute, came to the house of two of my dear friends.  They love my son, and are so good with him.  Their little boy is a complete doll.  My girlfriend talked with them.  We talked with a couple of teachers–one of whom I did some school-based consultation for last spring–we laughed.  Then when we were sitting with each other, laughing, I said that I wanted to put my hands in her little skimpy forrest girl outfit.  She had leather on her waistline too.  Smoking hot.  We stayed at the party until it completely cleared out.  My son went home in her car.  It was his first front seat ride.  🙂

We did the nighttime routine.  It was agony to change into pj’s in my bedroom with her.  I caught a glance of her beautiful breasts and her perfect, perfect porcelain skin.  Then I read to my son, tucked him in and returned to her.  More laughter.  More depth in conversation.  Two rounds of incredible sex.  Then I was drifting off, so she cuddled me, said that she was taking her leave, and I will see her tonight <3.

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Just like the rest of it

I figured that we would listen to music, read, maybe talk about some stuff, etc.  I pulled her into my house and started kissing her and she moved to the couch.  Then, I said, “We don’t have to do it on the couch like teenagers, I have a big bed and we can do that.”  Then when we adjourned, we talked and laughed.

And LAUGHED.  I can’t believe how much we laugh and how similar our sense of humor is.  Did you know that this dynamic will create goodness for us and our relationship?  Check out #12.

#12 may be good, but it’s also weird

God, I can’t believe how satisfying it was too.  We got to it after about half an-hour of talking and kissing.  Then it was obvious that we were sooooo compatible sexually.  At one point, she gasped and said, “My Gaaaawd.  This is the first time too.  Seriously?!?”  Then, it was back to more cuddling and eventually some more sex.  Finally after 2, she realized that I had to sleep because I had class, but I didn’t want her to leave.  I said, “We should do it as many more times as we are able.  I love it when the sun is coming up.”  She indicated that she has always wanted to do that, and I thought about it, and it’s only happened for me about three times total.

When I think about our lovemaking, I realize that is just our dynamic.  We don’t stop too well.  She almost didn’t leave at all.  I can’t wait until Sunday.  I haven’t been with an actual lesbian in YEARS.  We laugh, we connect, we are hopeful.  I’m really in love.

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Pandora

I stream it all the time.  However, I do think that making love to her tonight will be like opening a lot of doors, windows, and perhaps breaking through walls.  She is going to come over very soon.  She is dog sitting though and can’t spend the night.  I have class first thing in the morning, which will be difficult because I didn’t sleep much this week.  Yesterday and today were also a complete wash at work, because all I could do was think about her.

Being able to delay it anymore was not an option anyway, because last night we made out for most of the night and lost where we were.  I could barely muster enough gumption to finally leave, and got home super late and as a result got very little sleep.  I know that you just can’t keep that up waiting for sex when you are kissing like we were and have that much chemistry.  Then there is this whole backdrop to our relationship wherein I had the love at first sight nearly a year-and-a-half ago, and she felt my energy even before I had fully entered the house then.  She remembered the month, what I had in my hands, and then the way that she felt.  I told her that a woman as beautiful as her who had a brand-new girlfriend was irritating to me.  The irritation grew as I realized how easily we talked and how compatible we were over the course of the next year.

Now, we have talked about what we both want, and that is building something with each other.  I’m not even scared, because she is so different than any woman who I have been with, and seems to be seeking laughter, being open, having a spiritual connection to the world and to want someone who is affirmative and attracted to who she is.  She is smoking hot and completely sexy.  We laughed so hard last night that the deepest muscles in our stomachs ached.  We talked about everything under the sun.  God and how journeys unfold was a topic that came up organically as we made a meal in her little kitchen.  From the minute we embraced in her living area and I could feel her against me, I felt more passion than I can remember.  I whispered in her ear, “The women who you have been with are completely crazy.  I would never have a moment when I didn’t want to have sex with you.”   She laughed and started kissing me.

I’m a little bit scared about the sexual intimacy.  I have to admit that.  I know that I’m good in bed, but it’s been forever–nearly 11-months–and these stakes are so high.  It shall also yield NEVER going back.  It also will solidify that we are falling in love.  We will have changed and I will crave her even more than I already do.

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Nebulous and flowing

I talked with my friend who facilitated my being able to be with my girlfriend.  My artist.  She says that she is my sherpa, and I don’t get that.  I don’t know why she says that she is my nomadic, mountain woman.  I will tell you that I miss her eyes, touch and laugh right now sitting on my couch sipping a beer.

I was smoking pissed and hurt with this same friend when she cancelled on my artist and I a month ago and then sent me mean texts that remind me of my ex.  Explanation points and telling me to fuck off was not what I wanted.  That has faded.  But, I am still much more comfortable doing my own thing at my house.  I’m liking my house a lot and have cleaned up a lot of closets and the like.  I’m going to do that more today.  I don’t want to write.  I’m going to get up at 3:30 and do that tomorrow.

Right now, I want to write about what my friend (who connected my girl and I and also cancelled) said about my dreams.  She agreed that I was working through limits that I have set with friends who are on the periphery of my life, and she said something really interesting to me about the dream about my ex.  She thinks that I have finally “closed up shop” so to speak and she said that it is because I am in love with my girlfriend.  She didn’t use that metaphor, but it meant “done and done,” which is how I felt even before I hung out for a night with my artist.  She told me that the themes in the dream were of children, because my ex, if she did ever contact me again would want to appear carefree and childlike.  Well, she is NOT.  She is dark and angry.  She has passion, but the other side of that passion is fucking scary.  I can’t navigate her moods or her pawn making.  That was when I had the beginning of the emotional affair that I did.  Of course, I was talking outside and as I rounded the corner, there she was!  She was walking with her two kids.  Of course she was.

That is when I put my ex to bed.  That night, my son and I fought like crazy because he was hungry and we couldn’t find the restaurant.  While we fought, I confronted my ex on why she was forming a friendship with my cousin and her kids.  That was low, and weird.  While she would only say how it happened, I realized that there is no why with this woman.  There are only linear, sequential stories in which everyone wants to be close to her.  That’s her.  When I got to my car again, after my son and I ate, made up, wound up having a good night, and I was driving back home, I had heavy flirtation from this woman.  This interaction culminated in a two or three-day emotional affair.  That was the night that I got the goods who my ex is, laid her to rest, and realized that I could have heavy passion for another woman.

And I did.  That’s gone.  She has a beautiful voice and eyes, but I would never want anything with her.  It’s just not there.  She was my “closer” for the end of my ex.  And there she was when my friend was analyzing my dream, and telling me that I am in love with my girlfriend and that I am dreaming about her, because I was in love with her, and now my heart belongs to someone else.  Could that be true?

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Probably just a little weird

Vivid dreams are typically unsettling.  When I was little, and I mean really little, I dreamt about knives and assailants all of the time.  They were violent and graphic; although, I can remember them, they are not worth writing in here due to the gratuity of media.  Those are best for a conversation and like many, I don’t think that I’ve had those even with my psychologist who I saw for years.  I get that I work stuff out in my dreams.

The company had taken away my car insurance.  They had raised the amount to $1000 monthly if I wanted it, and then it would have to be underwritten and approved if I was ever to get it.  A lawyer called me and said that I could no longer drive, and if I did, I would be incarcerated.  My mother was there and was signing documents, and then my ex-husband came in and said that he wanted nothing to do with it.

There are financial issues.  They are not insurmountable, but I will have to see how my business launch for side work goes this summer.  I also need to teach every term in a blended class.  That seems to be the wave of the future, and although I prefer everything being f2f, that is not the way that the world works in the wake of this economy and social shifting as a result of computers and Internet.

I think that there are people who I just don’t want to engage with.  I think that shadow aspects were explicit in this first dream.  I don’t want to be leaned on so heavily that I lose myself or have no reciprocity.  I have told three friends over the last month that I don’t want to hang out right now.  I don’t.

The other dream was real too.  I woke up and at the top of my Droid there was an icon that is typically in the window of settings in an actual camera.  It was a video camera icon and it meant that someone had sent me a video recording.  I opened it like it was a message and it went into a video shot in a pasture with fences all around.  The film quality were those muted colors from the 70s.  A little, short-haired, blond, freckled girl was jumping onto a saddled horse.  There were men in stetsons all around her who were clapping and encouraging her, and then the shot got more macro and she was riding around, but I closed it and deleted it.

It’s a good thing to not hear from or be bothered by my ex.  However, there is something energetic that I feel right now.  I don’t know what it is, but I do know that she is more moody than usual around the holidays.  I would never reach out, because I don’t want her show.  That’s what she does.  It’s a well-orchestrated performance which includes everything that you’d ever want to hear, because she is an incredible listener and also a chessmaster.  It’s so different than standard manipulation.  It’s surrounding yourself with pawns who do your bidding because you have “goods” on them or know exactly how to motivate them.  I know her deal.  However, she showed up in my dreams.

It’s all time.  It’s just waiting and seeing.  I love my girlfriend, but I can tell that I’m not in love.  I don’t know if we are building anything.  I trust that we love each other and have positive feelings for each other, but I have no clue what the next several months will entail.  I suppose it doesn’t matter.  Right now, I love her, am hopeful, am not involved or overextended in anything, and can write and go to class because she is not possessive or does she expect much time with me.  We enjoy each other when it happens.  We shall see what the ceiling is on what could be.  That could take months, but I love being with her when I can.

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As you age

When you have a seven-year-old, a nine-year-old, and a twelve-year-old in the house together, and you have been raising an only, it has some “dynamics.”  I think that I may be dropping my son off today at his best friend’s house.  It should be my ex-husband’s weekend, but he has flu, so I don’t think that I will be able to get my normal time. Given that my boy had a lot of trouble not driving the bus with a card game, and wanted to change the rules so nobody could follow it, and really just wanted to play video games, I should take him on a long walk with our dog today and then have him read.  He is truly the quintessential only child.  I do rather wish that could change.

She ran up and kissed me and said, “Baby!” when I came in the house.  The woman who connected us was right behind me.  My girlfriend has a way of making those things just work again.  I have only been with two middle children.  I like that.  They are natural mediators.

You know how you have something in your head that doesn’t happen and it’s hard?  I just wanted her to hold me when I came in.  I asked to hug me when we were leaving and she was exhausted and I traced the top of her back, which is really beautiful and moved her hair off of it.  It’s like drinking her in when we are that close.  I also like feeling where her sit bones are against my thighs when I lay sideways and she bends her knees over my legs. Our connection is good and many times our affection is sensual and is always tender.  I was glad that we connected even if we had another girl there and our little boys.

I was supposed to see her and the little boys again today for a Halloween activity, but I don’t know if my son will cooperate.  He gets scared with costumes and has always been terrified of animatronics. I will probably just drop him off at his best friend’s house for a few hours.  He has a game today, and I’ll definitely enjoy that, but then I want some time with my girlfriend and her little boys, if that is a possibility.

I’m ready to settle down.  I wound up in a str8 marriage as a child, and continued it because I’m loyal and he was my buddy.  Then when he continued the path of anger and rage toward me, I just didn’t want that anymore.  I didn’t want to be with him, and we separated, he moved to AK, and I did the solo thing in the big house.  I sure have gotten good at keeping up with this place, and the funny thing was that it was before our son!  I would have left him then (2005), but I suddenly got pregnant and thought that we should try.

I want to put out the intention to be living with someone after I turn 40.  I want to have family, navigate situations with a few kids, and have arms around me when I wake up.  I want to nurture and connect to a woman who has my whole heart, and connects me to the world.

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Done with that

I don’t think that I want to go to my parent’s house much anymore.  I will plan a Thanksgiving dinner the weekend that I have my son and host it at my house.  I picked up burgers and fries at a pub.  My stomach, which literally never hurts, feels like it has a grease rock in it.  I hauled ass out of their house as fast as I could.  I’m going to have to look for something different for November.  I’m thinking that our Y has a Day Camp, and that is going to be what he has to do.

Sometimes my son gets a little bit entitled.  He complains and gets bossy and refuses tasks.  After I brought him home this evening, he was completely delightful.  Honestly.  He and I talked while I loaded the dishwasher and then we put together one of those giant puzzles that only has a frame that is interlocking and makes the edges.  I talked to him the whole time that he was in the bath, and read him his nightly story.

I asked him if he knew that he was super pleasant, compliant, and sweet after a night or two away from me.  He looked at me with his incredible blue eyes and said, “I didn’t know that.”  I told him that we should concentrate on times like this, so we can have connected and good times.  He told me that he missed me.  I missed him for two nights too.

I still haven’t connected with my girlfriend.  There is a world of difference between one and four kids.  I respect it though, because she does it right.  So, we’ll talk when we can, but I get the impression that she needs some space, so I’ll just wait to hear from her.  I would never do anything to smother or fuck it up.  “Love is like a blanket.  It gets a little bit to warm sometimes.  I want to wrap somebody in it who can hold me in [her] arms.”

 

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Honest

She had to cancel on being in my bed with me tonight, but I completely understand.  I will miss her smell and softness when I retire in a little bit, but I get why she can’t be around people anymore tonight.  She needs to take care of herself so she can take care of her boys too.

Something that I left out of the Thursday entry that I had written last was that she got probably five phone calls while we cooked and got the boys organized.  One included a conversation with her father and it was an intense relaying of some of what she is going through right now.  It’s too much.  She respectfully left out details that would have been alarming to him as well.  I was shocked that we had dinner together and that she ever texts or emails or gets on my FB during the week at all.  It made me feel loved to see that.

I feel important.  I feel respected.  I feel like we could be building something with a permanence, and that part doesn’t scare me.  I’m scared about doing right by her.

She had a truly horrible day.  It can’t even be written about, because it’s unreal.

My last three have just included too much running around in favor of being productive.  I like to get things done, and haven’t been able to very well over the last three days.  I’ve kind of felt like I’m just spinning my wheels, but it’s just stress.  It’s not anything bad.  She teased me relentlessly about it and then helped me reframe it.  I think much of it is that I’ve been around lots of people too often and my son has been getting over being ill, so that means that he’s crabby.  Nothing has been bad, I’ve just felt kinda pulled around and not able to get work completed.

I held her as tight as I could while being reasonably sure that I was not hurting her back.  I felt her tears on my cheeks.  I was moved on a deeper level than I can remember too.  Again, I feel important and loved.

Finally, we both were unwinding and she wanted to watch some tv.  I asked if we could read.  She read all the cartoons in her favorite periodical, and laughed so many times that I had a large grin on my face.  There was one in particular that was very odd, and was my sense of humor exactly.  My sense of humor borders on bizarre and is definitely droll and strange.  When she showed me it, I was surprised how she knew something instinctively about me.

We didn’t get very physical.  I had to tell her that I’m at a point wherein I’m nervous about making love to her, and I told her that I think that part of that trepidation is an energetic thing that vibes from her.  She talked to me about being ready at some point and realizing how excited that she was to see me when she was driving home, but that did not include sex, and I said, “I really don’t think we should.  We are both sexual people, but the thing is that it shouldn’t be planned and should just be an organic development when we both are moved that way.  It’s going to be a big thing when it happens.”  I’m not ready either.

She told me some other things from her experiences too.  I think that I’m starting to really get where she is right now, and it’s funny that the timing is in our favor from both standpoints.  After awhile I just said completely easily, “Listen, ______ , I love you and I want you to know that.”  She said without skipping a beat, “I love you too.”  There was a pause and then she added, “It’s real too.”  I told her that it certainly is for me too, and I would not have said it had I not meant it completely.  She said, “I know.”

 

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Evolution

It was raining hard after work again, but my son and I made the trek to her and her little boys anyway.  It was sad that it took us 50-minutes to get to her, and it only took half that to get back.  I wished that had worked in the other direction.  Just people in cars in the rain, and really heavy end-of-the-week traffic resulted in a later start than either of us wanted.

It made my son cry when her little boys had to get picked up by their Dad.  He doesn’t understand anything but full custody, because he has never had to consider it much.  He sees one my friend’s daughter on my weekends every once in awhile, so he doesn’t think about what she does during the week.  His best friend’s mother has custody of him and his sister–they have a summer and Christmas visit Dad.

For the most part, he LOVED the visit as did I.  They laughed and played so well together.  I told her, “That is really encouraging.  And it’s rare.”  She seemed surprised.  I said, “They should really be vying for our attention.”  Then, I realized, although I didn’t say it, but it’s probably because she and I parent the same way.  Our boys get our undivided attention when we are not cooking or conversing with each other.

She has this cool thing that is a better version of High / Low wherein someone sitting at the dinner table asks someone, “What is your favorite part of the day?  What did you learn today?”  My son likes it, and I do too.  We had great conversations about what aspects of our days went well.

On the way back home, I told him, “You’re right.  I do love her.”  He said, “I do too.  I give you one month to tell her, because you need to say it.”  I told him that the time had to be right in terms of the timing.  He said, “Well, I’m going to say it to her first then.”

We were in her kitchen alone at the end of the night and she spun me around and pushed me up against her sink.  I had just given my son the three-minute warning.  Of course he couldn’t turn off the system he was playing, so we had to stop and that sucked, and then she messed with me a ton by saying kinky stuff to me in double entendre that my son of course could not follow.  Then she climbed up to the loft in her house and lain forward on her stomach peering up to where the tv area is.  I had a perfect, albeit not-so-perfect, view of her while she talked to my son and laughed.  We have a flirtatious and fun dynamic.  She is the sexiest and most intriguing woman I’ve ever been around.

Gone are my days of the crazy-making pacing and the worry that we won’t work.  I’ve done that a bunch.  I know that she and I do work, and we have lots of days to find out how that will shake out.  I don’t want to rush either, and I don’t want to overwhelm or push anything on her.  I really met her at the right time of my life after I had done lots of necessary changing and evolving.

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Who needs to fight?

I told her that I had my quota when she said that I would fight with her in the grocery store.  That’s honest too.  One, why the hell would you fight in the grocery store?  I love food, eating, walking, and she is someone who I love to talk to or simply just hang out with and do whatever.  I’m perverse at times, so I pointed out three different couples who were talking and sauntering about the grocery store.  Finally, as we neared the back of the store yesterday, there was a couple–two girls–who were visibly arguing and having lots of tension in the grocery store.  I wanted to pass them quickly, but she is pretty observant.  So, when I saw her see them, I made a plan.

We exited the aisle and I said, “Ok.  I do realize that was the only gay couple who we’ve seen today and they were fighting,” and then she does what she does.  Her head tilts back and she laughs hard.  It always makes a warm smile drift across my face and most of the time, I start laughing too, or I just hug her.  Then she pulled me to her, kissed me and said, “See?  People fight in the grocery store.”  I told her, “I don’t want to,” but as is the case with her, I had a huge smile across my face.

There is more.  We could have had conflict around my misunderstanding about evenings and dinners–it was something that just didn’t sit well with me earlier in the week–as she was busy all week and we couldn’t see each other easily or could we talk.  Instead, we went outside after 5 on Saturday when the boys were engaged in boy things, and she talked to me about what a team is, and what a new girlfriend is and how it’s always her desire for me to express my needs or just be honest with all of my feelings when I don’t want to do something or simply just can’t easily.  Also, as I guess she just is, she was nakedly vulnerable with me about her last two relationships and what she believes about independence.

So, as it turned out, I didn’t have to have, or even request a discussion.  We just organically talked about where we were with respect to our relationship, and what could be a compromise on seeing each other during the week when it works easily.  OK.  Wow.  I’m sure that some of you have read “discussions” that I had with my ex.  Or should I say my trying to bring things up, and then feeling like I was in a duck and cover drill?

Preparing for fallout (with my ex)

Preparing for fallout (with my ex)

I don’t think it’s realistic for me to try to avoid to make comparisons based on contrast.  She is so different than anyone who I’ve been with over the last four years.  She is easy and genuine, and an enviable adult when it comes to communication.  It think that it’s safe to say that I love this woman, and she has admitted that she thinks that she loves me too.  I can’t wait until there is one of those right moments and I can just say, “I love you.”  Because, I do, and I think that I have met my match.

We wound up making out in her bathroom about three times yesterday.  I was helping her with her hair.  We got really physical.  She is the most affectionate of anyone who I have been with, and that combined with how attracted I am to her makes it difficult not to go further than we should yet.  I love her eyes, mouth, and body.  It’s a wicked attraction, and I’ll admit that I have never been this comfortable with a woman either.  We can talk, we can sit, we can make meals together, or we can have conversations that are rooted in compromise.  I think all of these things make it safe to say that I’m going to be in love for the first time with someone with whom I could make something work.

My Horizon

My Horizon

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Saturday!

I was going to lay low, but I had to reach out.  I just wanted to tell her that I hoped that she was doing well, and that I wanted to hold her.  She said that she was doing as well as she could, but that she wished that I was there.  So, I said that I would have been, but I didn’t know if that was cool with her little boys there and my not having my son.  I think that I’m starting to get this stuff, and I just need to ask in the morning if I can bring dinner over at night.  Although, last night would not have worked.

My son was too sick to go to school, which is really rare for him.  He has been coughing like crazy though, and asked to go to the Dr.  I told him yesterday morning that the doctor can’t do anything about viruses, but I took care of him at home.  Then when his Dad finally got here to pick him up, I was able to drive to supervision.  We had 1.5-hours of supervision, and then I returned two phone calls from friends and went to the gym.  I could only run 1.5-miles because I have sinus issues right now and it got uncomfortable.  Then I bought a bottle of Sangiovese, and texted her while I had a glass.  Afterward I boiled some noodles and ate pesto and an apple.  I see her and her little boys this morning.  It feels like it’s been a month!

I love talking to her.  We have wonderful conversation chemistry.  I also like her ease when I’m with her, as it’s contagious and makes me have pause and lights up my senses.  She is pretty wonderful.  So, I can see her Saturday, Monday, and Thursday.  I want to see her next weekend and hope that she’ll spend the night with me again.  I can’t wait to get my arms around her for a hug this morning.

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Organic Flow

If what you’ve done is a good predictor of your future behavior, I say to that, evolve with it too.  I was getting a little in over my head with my artist.  Now, it’s time to slow myself down a bit.  Monday is not that bad to wait to get together.  She is not champing at the bit to make weekend plans to me, and I would gather that because she had a long and difficult week at work–about which I know no details–that she just wants to connect and nest with her little boys.  I tried her on the phone last night and she texted that she was sorry that she missed my call and that she was making dinner.  She ended it with, “I miss you!”

We have plans for next Monday and Thursday.  So, I’m not going to obsess.  I’m going to revise Chapter 3 and I really need to run.  I may run after work tonight.  This weekend I should consult with a gardener about my lack of lawn in my backyard, since it is all cleaned up back there, and I should write like crazy.  I always have people who want to see me.  I’m not going to watch football at my cousin’s house on Sunday though, because I may not be gay.  I don’t like watching professional sports.

My workout partner said, “You lost yourself for a bit in this.  You sound solid now and MUCH better.”  Lesbian relationships are different, and mine aren’t in the Date 2: Move in, and Date 3: Get the donor ready, but they still match that intensity.  I realized that what I know of her, I could read in her book that she is editing.  It’s not the stuff of her.  Hell, I don’t even know her custody arrangement.

I know that when we are together it’s much better.  It’s connected.  It’s easy.  We have chemistry making meals together in the kitchen.  Our boys get along.  I feel really good when my head is on her left shoulder and I lay on my side and she puts her legs bent over mine and rubs my left arm.  We have magical kissing.  That’s all a pretty good start, but it’s a start.  Now it just has to flow, because you can’t bend the river.  It goes where it shall.

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Run all you want

You can be mindful and always present with what you are doing in a relationship, but past is honestly prelude.  I have trouble with being rejected or thinking that I have been rejected.  And I will not be able to do things that resemble push and pull ever again.

I touched her hand in 2005, and I knew that I had to avoid her, but then, I was transferred.  She is a big flirt too, so we just wound up talking more and more and then I started organizing Happy Hours.  That affair developed as a progression, and we wound up sleeping together mid-October of 2007.  The first few times were just mind-blowing; although, they weren’t satisfying.  Then when she had a work karaoke party, I spent the night and it was very good.  I fell asleep next to her and slept well too.  I wanted to date her.  She was in a very different place, however, and was lukewarm on kids and never saw herself as a mother.  Now, looking back, she and I never would have worked, because we didn’t have the depth of conversation either.  I learned from her that I don’t like feeling rejected–I know that is just my perception, but I don’t like it.

She sent me an email in September of 2011 just a week after my birthday.  She had just turned 37 a month before too.  We had a connection, I think.  But, she got into her controlling patterns based on fears of me not needing her desperately–even if it was just her money–and that I would leave her.  I wouldn’t have done the latter if she hadn’t kept saying that she loved me, but love wasn’t enough.  I don’t do push and pull and I won’t.

I want to continue to laugh.  I want to snuggle and have connected conversation.  I want to have family nights and dinners.  I want to a couple of nights away a few times a year for tons of sex, dinners outside, and generally escaping for a short period.  There are things that I can’t run from, but I can certainly focus on where I’m going and what I seek.

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Occupational Hazards

I fear the question, “What do you do?” when I’m dating a new woman.  And, I had erroneously thought that my new gf knew what I did, because I have known her for 10-years.  But she didn’t and she said, “Oh.  Wow.  What makes THAT appeal to you?”

There is a gamut of responses:

  1. What am I thinking right now?
  • I actually have no idea, because I’m not clairvoyant

2.  How fucked up are you that you went into that?

  • It’s just what I do for a living because I was interested in psychology

3.  So, do you just diagnose your friends and everyone around you?

  • No, I am not working right now, but now that you mention it, paranoia anyone?

4.  How does it not bother you?

  • In that way, I’m kinda like a guy and when I’m done with work and leave the building or office, I don’t take anything home.

5.  I could NEVER do what you do, because I could not be around people.  How do you do that?

  • I don’t hang out with anyone long who needs group 🙂

However, my career has affected my dating, and I’m not going to pretend that it hasn’t.  She and I need to talk.  She is sweet and tender and honestly would never do anything to hurt anyone or is she motivated out of cruelty.  However, because of my ex baggage, that I really need to honor, I crave consistent.  I need some ground rules around it too.  I had to call my workout partner and took a solo walk to take a picture of a tree that had probably 7 different shades of red on it, because at that point I had to clear my head.  How can something that we said on Thursday be a trigger on Monday morning?  No one is born knowing how to treat you, and when you have conflict you are equally culpable for engaging in it.

My workout partner said, “______ , you have had a really bad day, so that’s effecting the situation.  And you know stuff that is going to come up because of _____ , so you don’t have to tell that whole story, but as stuff comes up, you owe it to both of you to talk through those things so they can improve.  Don’t jump to conclusions.  Have a conversation.”

I realized that although I took two months longer than what relationship and family therapists say you should take after a relationship that because I have had no relationship, I had no idea what would be triggered in a new one.  What I mean is that I was with my ex off and on for 15-months and I didn’t kiss anyone or even seriously consider a girl for nine-months, so I just needed a new relationship to see what has affected me longterm.  I did wait more than half the time of our whole relationship, but I had to be in relationship to see what I have become.

Well, now I go to how WYSIWYG you are right away.  And that’s not it.  My artist has been naked vulnerable about who she is and what goes on for her.  It’s really my turn to tell some of that, which will include the impact of the only two times that I have been in love.  I guess that I’ll start that convo here.

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Possibilities

Anything is possible when you’re seeing a woman who sees the best in everyone, and she is willing.  She wants to explore, and that matches well up with what I have read and heard one of my gurus state, and that is “loving fully without guarantees.”  I like that it will develop more slowly, because there is nothing that is crazy-making about a steady and slower pace.  I know that I shouldn’t spend too much time on contrast, but she is so different than previous relationships.  I’m lucky.

  1. She drives to me even when she has had a 10-hour day and her back is sore and compressed.
  2. She is smart and loves to read and write all kinds of things, but each one of them is thought-provoking or somehow poignant.
  3. She is sweet, tender and gentle.
  4. She is funny, and laughs easily and fully.  (Her laughter never fails to make me laugh or smile widely.)
  5. She wants to be with me, and is willing to see what can work out

I know that it is not particularly healthy to contrast women who you’ve been with, but I just did a lot of that this weekend.  I rarely had my ex-gf down to my house, and in fact, she would complain about my house all of the time too, as I’m not anal or is mine a newer one.  I live in a 50s ranch with a finished basement and the neighborhood has established trees in the front yards, and my floors are hardwoods.  I actually love my house so I found that insulting.

She read self-help and new age.  She was critical and quick to anger.  We stopped laughing.  My workout partner and I read and shredded her cards that she gave to me fall through about February of 2012 on Saturday.  Even the first few were full of tired and trite phrases and terms of endearment.  She is really just all about marketing and taglines.  There also were a couple that said stuff like, “I appreciate the things that you’ve given me, and I’m sorry that I can’t lean on you while I’m going through tough times.”

There isn’t much that is similar between these women with the exception that they have been on their own since teenage, and have had a lot of strife throughout their lives.  One found a way to embrace joy, and the other found a way to craft a world wherein emotions are kept at bay and people are controlled.  I can tell you which one makes me feel like anything is possible.

by

Surprises

So, I knew that we were having dinner together on Friday, but I didn’t know that she would be staying.  I took my son out of practice, as it was running over, and went to our house–she had already arrived.  She started making out with me in my garage.  Ok, then.  Then my son and I helped her get all of her bags in the house.  She said, “It’s completely presumptuous, but I am staying the night tonight.  I have to work a little and don’t want to drive home.”  I said, “I think that is a wonderful idea.”

No shaving, no landscaping, sleepy, and after dinner and putting my son to bed, we are both sitting on my couch.  She had to work a little, so I straightened up my kitchen and took my dog for a walk.   I couldn’t believe that were going to wake up together.  When she was done with work, she read some of it to me, and I liked that a lot.  We went to the kitchen to get drinks and she kissed me and after we pulled away she said, “I don’t think we should have sex tonight,” and because I have wanted the first time to be special and we don’t really know all of our dynamics yet, I said, “I am in complete agreement.”

She cuddles a lot all night–I’m not used to sleeping close like that all night.  When we first got into bed, she did start kissing me pretty intensely and then she had her hands on the fronts of my shoulders, so I felt like I had to say, “You can touch me.” When she did she gasped and said, “You have incredible tits.”  I laughed.  That settled why I was wondering why she wasn’t feeling me up.

It has been a really long time since she has been in a relationship with a woman, and the one that she did have which lasted a year sounds like one in which she would just be moved sexually by this woman and wind up in her bed with her.  She had a non-serious bf at the time, and the other girl did too, but eventually went exclusive with him, and that result broke my artist’s heart a little.  I guess, from what I can gather, she is just ready to be in relationship with a woman.

In this case, and I told her this, I just hope that being with a girl works for her.  It’s different.  It’s emotionally complex and involves a level of intensity that seems unique.  What she has gathered is that if we just go slow, that stuff will work itself out.  I think more than that, it’s essential for me to give her space for reflection, and also just follow her lead with anything physical.

I think that’s good.  I have slept with women way too soon almost every time.  I told her before we all left the house that what seems to be building is a solid friendship.  She said, “We are.”  I actually think that it’s healthy.  Now, I do honestly want to take off every stitch of her clothing and feel her skin on mine, and kiss every part of her that is not covered by a bathing suit until I can do more, but I won’t.  I don’t really want to either; although, I fantasize about it.  I want to wait until it’s not only special, but it’s right.