Tag Archives: Polyamory

by

Two?

Work is very trying.

It’s so hot and everything is burning up in the sun.

Thankfully, I drank valerian tea, talked to my OG BFF who I met on an app, and dosed two Z strain.

Mellow.

Happy.

Moments of clarity.

I took a late walk with the Realtor yesterday and we caught up. I don’t think that there will ever be a time in which after we spend time together that I am not given pause afterward. I find myself simply wondering if we’ll ever be romantic. We tell each other everything. We have a good connection and have known each other 6-years. We respect each other. And there is still some level of chemistry, which, at times, is sometimes much more fiery. The last time it was like that was when she had just started dating her current partner. She was running her hands up and down my arms and back and griping onto me. A friend who was there said that it looked as if she should probably just leave us alone. Anyway, we had a great catch up yesterday and know now that we can have a rhythm of seeing each other for a walk when I’m working due to the location of my building for my day job.

She hasn’t met Scorpio. My best friend hasn’t either. (The Realtor and my best friend own a flower farm.) I told her about how we met, how we have progressed, and how we resolved a conflict. I am super proud of the latter. I’m also thankful to my ex-GF that I began learning how to do that when she and I were dating. Now, I’m getting really good at it, which will make me a better friend, supports work in my industry, and also impacts my ability to be a better romantic partner.

I told the Realtor that I can’t establish concurrently.

Scorpio said that was due to new relationship energy (NRE), and I don’t agree.

NRE could have some impact.

However, it’s due to my needing to go so fully deep with someone and all in initially. I need to understand.

Now, I’m open to a second.

I’m also open to guest star arrangements if they make sense, and wouldn’t hustle for that.

Those would have to be if someone approached me and Scorpio when we were out, or if Scorpio wanted to arrange a threesome of her own accord.

Tomorrow afternoon during my lunch I meet with my new matchmaker via Google Meet. I’ll miss my old one. However, I’ll need to let her know what I’m looking for. Thus, writing this morning.

  1. Honest
  2. Outdoorsy or someone who is athletic
  3. Wants to move slowly and intentionally
  4. Smart
  5. Great sense of humor

At this point, I’m also open to new friendships initially. I think that romance, for me anyway, could grow from friendship. However, I wouldn’t want to explore romance with someone with whom isn’t honest. I’ve succumbed to that when I was confused about a long period of breakup. The CEO and I did make up / breakup for about two years, and then I wound up sleeping with the little liar. I learned a lot about timing in relationship and think that now I’ve experienced a master class in Avoidant Attachment via my relationship with the CEO.

I think that my preference is to date women who are mostly of the Secure Attachment style too.

Generally, I want to only spend my time with people of high quality.

I’ve lived more days than I have left.

by

Jenga

Scorpio came over for dinner last night. I think that we’ll see each other on Sunday. We talked about some things that we need to address and landed in a good place.

I have plans on Friday night and need to do yard work on Saturday if the weather holds. I’m going to text my son later today and see if he’ll give me an hour of his time for help.

Saturday, Scorpio has a birthday party out of town with her friend group. I didn’t even have to tell that I’m not into group things if they don’t have an efficient end. She’s so intuitive that she explained understanding the difference between a local party, one out of town and a whole weekend. I may or may not participate in a weekend party for one of her friends in early May. I’m leaning towards not.

I’m ready to date. I knew it for sure this morning when I woke up. I logged into the app which will go into the ether in about two-weeks and will only have the other app. That one has been getting some attention; however, it doesn’t go any further than some texting.

It would be so great to have an outdoor adventure partner. I would be down for a friendship like that which had a potential for some romance.

This morning, it was funny that one of my one day stands who doesn’t recognize me from the only picture that I have up now said, “Hi, ______. It’s refreshing to see a well-written profile to say the least.” I reminded her of our super hot one day stand on January 4th. I still credit her with the return of my mojo.

My matchmaker quit the company. I really liked her so it’s a loss. I got an email from Customer Service saying that they will find me one who is a good fit. Fingers crossed on that.

I’m going to get back to organic things. I’ll go to the Discussion Group on Monday–maybe Scorpio will accompany me–and my new BFF from the app that is sunsetting will definitely be there alongside of some of my other friends. Towards the very end of the month I have a cocktail hour with another poly group too. I’ll have club soda. I love that I don’t use substances much at all anymore. It’s interesting that I had a long-term friendship with beer. After some psilocybin microdosing it’s gone. I’ve had one beer this year and it was at an after party from the parade Valentine’s weekend in which Scorpio and I were walking around with her friends.

I also want to write a research paper so that I have some scholarly things that I can speak intelligently about with respect to topics related to my children’s book. I think that I can use contacts that I have at the two Universities in which I teach to do some type of presentation. I’m going to set up a business account for sales, and do more marketing. However, one of the things that I have to dedicate time towards is having more scholarly and academic background in the topic.

My academic year is winding down, which is good.

And I have to get my solo vacation for June arranged.

by

Lonely

Recently, I had listened to an episode of the podcast “Solo: The Single Person’s Guide to a Remarkable Life” which was about aloneliness, which is when a person starts to get stressed out because there isn’t time to be alone. That is something that I get because I’m introverted.

We all know the Goyte song from 2011 that has the lyrics about telling oneself that a relationship is right and feeling lonely when together with the partner.

I felt that with my ex-GF and my ex-wife many months.

At this point, I am often pretty tired and need me time because a new relationship while exciting, is also consuming.

Dan Siegel writes about the importance of having time in. I need that. I’m going to make a plan to give myself a specific morning and nightly routine to regulate. I also have some things that I’d enjoy working on.

I like to write and also need to work on promoting my book.

Scorpio and I have been talking about polyamory.

For her, she doesn’t want to be limited or told what to do.

For me, I have what I want in her right now. She’s my girlfriend, she’s a travel companion, and she’s also an anchor partner. I define the latter as a person who knows and cares about your day-to-day.

I went on a date on Saturday afternoon. It was with Ph.D.

She is smart, funny, and open.

I felt absolutely no romantic draw to her.

That gave me pause.

The following morning when I was in bed with Scorpio I told her that I was going to get a lot of shit from several of my friends for being monogamous right now. And she said that was a them thing. I asked her what she meant and she said, “______, it’s not like it’s really a poly card anyway, but you’re open. Yes, you’re not specifically putting out seeking energy right now, but it doesn’t mean that if you felt a pull that you wouldn’t see what it was about or limit yourself with a potential connection with a woman.”

I think that much of it is that I’m not lonely at all right now, and with this relationship being so fulfilling at this point in time, I don’t want anything else.

by

Establishing

It’s so odd. I feel like I have been gearing up to get ready for Scorpio.

Saturday night, I went into her house and the monstera plant was taking over the ceiling all the way through the ceiling fan. There are art–some of which she’s made–cards, figures, and literally everything that you’d expect to find in the Folk Art Museum in Santa Fe (I’m making a mental note right now that she and I should go there in March.).

Scorpio looked beautiful and welcomed me into her home and said that she’d get a fire going shortly.

Then she showed me a floor pillow that she had sowed and made for floor time.

Superficially, she’s just like my ex-wife.

Then there are 3-million points of contrast.

Scorpio had two of her own kids and cares deeply about them.

Scorpio has worked in the billing and accounting division of her company for 10-years.

Scorpio is open in a slow, deliberate and measured way.

Scorpio is bold. For example, she left to be out west and travelled the coast for 5-weeks solo. She’s unafraid to talk about anything openly and directly.

SHE ACCEPTS APOLOGIES.

We talked through our experiences with polyamory.

We both have a disdain for DADT and we’ve both had those experiences. She talked to me directly about my level of bisexuality and I explained to her that I don’t think that I would have ever engaged in male experience if I wasn’t a surviving child. I felt like I had to be “normal” and have kids and be straight. I think that she got that. I said again that I’m fine with her having a boyfriend. Scorpio made a face like she was going to throw up, so I don’t think that it will be very soon. I told her about one of my matches from Seattle and how I’m hoping that because I’m so busy next weekend that she and I will have some trouble connecting–I don’t think that my timing is right for Seattle.

Additionally, I can’t establish concurrent relationships. Scorpio’s open heartedness that she has translates into her polyamory too–she won’t have rules or boundaries with exploration of others. So I told her that historically what’s been difficult for me is my own head when my girlfriend has a date and I’m at home. Scorpio said, “You think about how much fun they’re having,” and I said, “To be honest, I obsess about hot sex that I’m not having.” Scorpio explained that being poly often means getting good with your own time and taking care of yourself.

I certainly am good at that now. I have practiced this approach for nearly 4-years at this point. I have fitness routines that I always do. I read all of the time. I socialize although I don’t drink out and about. I am a Captain of a Bowling team. I’m so busy with my friends that I couldn’t even carve out overnight time with Scorpio this upcoming weekend because she’s going to a concert on Friday and I have dinner plans with an old friend on Saturday.

I’m looking forward to having dinner with her here at my house on Thursday. She said that she’s going to find a cute vegan ice cream shop for us to go to after dinner. I’m sad about not having an overnight this weekend. We have a wonderful physical connection. I’ve been missing that for about 5-years. Scorpio was worth all the wait. I’m ready to establish a good foundation for our relationship.

by

Timing

I went to a ball in Seattle on Saturday night and had a ton of fun. I loved one of the organizers of this group and have connected them with my friend who helps organize a weekend for polyamorous people twice a year. It was cool and organic when I signed my email to them. I wrote “In infinite love.”

I met a super young nurse who obviously liked me and we’re now on IG together.

I believe that wholeheartedly–love is infinite.

It’s been interesting for me to navigate concurrent brand new connections. With a woman not too far from me and a woman from Boston, I realized that I can’t establish two new partners at once. I’m not hierarchical by any means; however, I do have this feeling that comes from having an anchor partner. I like the good morning and goodnight bookends via text and I also like being able to say, “Hey, I’m landing at 6:30 tonight. I’ll text you when I’m on the ground.” I want to establish one of those foundations and then can add whatever makes sense.

I really just want a travel partner.

Boston has finally said that we can schedule a trip. Her ball, her court. She’s a love bomber and when I told her that I don’t know anything about her, she talked mostly about work. Boring.

PA had a tragic loss so we are not really in contact atm. I highly doubt that we’ll Zoom anytime soon.

KY finally got a working cell phone, so she has texted with me a bit. We have a phone date today. She really thinks that she likes me, and I tend to think that is dumb. I know that I have a great smile and am fit; however, looks are only skin deep. We’ll test chemistry on a phone call.

I have a point.

I had been home for about 10-hours when the old app that just sits started blowing up. Messages were from a tall, green eyed Sicilian-Swedish American woman who was DMing me if I’d been visiting Seattle. While I was in bed the two nights that I had, I’d swiped on the app. There are really pretty women in Seattle btw.

Anyway, this woman said that she wished we’d met while I was still there and that one of her sons attends college here where I live. She said that maybe we could meet in spring. I moved her to my VPN (Burner number) and we started communicating in Italian and Spanish and both started laughing because it only worked for awhile.

There was something about our chemistry. Even with Tesoro, I’d not felt that way. Tesoro was like how Boston is. Just full of love bombing, which again, I think is mostly dumb.

I moved Seattle off my VPN, gave her my name, and she said that she requested to follow me on LinkedIn. I was so inspired by our texting that I didn’t even pop off my phone to honor that request. I did it last night after work.

Eventually, I was flushed all over my chest and realized that this connection was different than any of the 15 or so that I’ve had since May. I’m sapiosexual. And it takes a lot to move my soul.

And she’s Ethically Non-monogamous so there was nothing to explain to her about being Solo Poly.

I can’t wait to meet her next spring.

by

Horse

Not DM’ing with Tesoro today sucked bad.

I’m shocked that I didn’t log into Teams.

However, unless she does leave Turkey and flies back, I don’t want to gamble with my heart. And it’s like I always write, “Her ball, her court.”

The first phone date that I had tonight sucked.

And why the fuck don’t people read your profile?

“So, what scenario would you be in and how long would it take for example for you to consider being monogamous?”

“What do you think would change a relationship so it would be closed?”

And she asked another question in another way and I can’t remember it. I was already irritated.

The second conversation was polar opposite.

It was great.

She’s funny, outdoorsy and smart.

She retires from the military next month. She wants to text all month and then hike together soon. I like her. It’s nice to like someone. We laughed about U-Haul lesbians and how I am the opposite.

Love is abundant. The only finite resources are time, energy and attention.

I’m back at it.

by

Ultimatum

I think that I may have been given a thinly veiled ultimatum on Tuesday.

“And I’m less interested in being 1 of 2 girlfriends. My stance on that has been unchanging.”

I know that I told her in May that was what I was looking for, and it seemed really difficult. Until now.

I know that my GF is most comfortable with my having a Friends with Benefits (FWB) or Sexual Friendship.

However, that is empty.

Additionally, there is something bizarre to assume that one can contain the heart.

Tesoro and I seem to be walking into love, and that is our experience.

Saturday could be very sad and trying with respect to hanging out with my girlfriend.

It’s one of those dates that doesn’t cost me a minimum of $200. I’m just going over to her apartment to be with her for a few hours on Saturday night. Her daughter will be sleeping. Originally, I wanted her to play with my hair and massage my calves. That text on Tuesday and her stony silence that barely broke on Wednesday late at night and yesterday seems like she could be amenable. We’ll see. I’ll write again on Sunday.

by

Limit

I’m Solo Poly. There have been many times that we have discussed in groups that I belong to a rule, a limit and a boundary. People confuse them.

Rules are societal standards. You can’t yell “Fire” at the movies.

Rules in relationships are things like, “I cooked,” so you’ll clean the kitchen and start the dishwasher. They don’t typically apply to things that can’t be easily understood. Rules are almost perfectly black and white.

Boundaries are a lot more confusing. It’s like pushing on something that has been discussed and agreed to prior. It’s like saying, “I’ve asked you not to talk about money when we’re in social situations, and you did last night. I don’t want you to go back on the boundary that I’ve set for that topic.”

I’m setting a limit with _____. I haven’t done it yet, because she and I actively had some conflict.

We’d DM’ed most of the evening before when she and I rescheduled a video date and exchanged a few in the afternoon and then she went silent around 2:00 pm.

I sent a message that said, “5:00. Don’t fall asleep. Or go out to dinner. I can’t wait to see you on video.”

“I’ll try, darling.”

I video called at 5, 6, and 7.

In the morning, I sent an old school text. “I tried you 3x. I am not into a lack of specific communication. Feel free to come to _______ on 8/31 if you’d like to meet in person.”

Then I didn’t send anything.

And she freaked out.

Work was trying and busy the following day. We are missing two folks in assistant positions. It’s like a day treatment position for me. I also had to assess a threat that day. I had not a second and was teaching in person that night. I had to drive to campus. I left her a voice to text in the app when I noticed that she’d called and saw a couple of DMs.

_____ called 7 times in Teams. I just counted the number this morning while I am writing.

And we actively had conflict about it.

Saying that things come up is bullshit.

I have three full jobs. I also assess for a practice on occasion.

And she’s purportedly a “J” on Myers-Briggs!

I’ve told a colleague and my GF that she is either in witness protection or she has escaped an abusive ex-husband.

Regardless, that’s my limit. No more setting up video calls.

I always say that no one is born knowing how to treat you.

I have set a limit–mostly for myself–that I will call in the morning on 8/31 at a time that we come up with and won’t get in my car until she’s in hers. Then we can both drive three-hours into the mountains to meet in person.

Otherwise the limit, which I will voice, is that I don’t like avoidant behavior. See me in person on August 31st come hell or high water. Or that’s it for me hustling. I don’t chase.

If it doesn’t happen, “When you’re ready to come to the city that I live in, let me know ahead of time, and I’ll take you out to dinner.”

Of course I am hoping that I see her IRL on Sunday, August 31st. I am holding out this time. My GF said that I have some kind of thing for women who look like librarians.

Regardless, I’ve set a limit for myself.

What’s a rule? What’s a limit? What’s a boundary? How do you help love interests learn how to treat you?

by

Steady

After my doctor’s appointment–I am so glad that my son met me there after taking the bus–I made dinner for him, and made my girlfriend some Thai-inspired coriander chicken with broccoli. I went over there to talk. She had wanted us to watch a movie, and I thought that wouldn’t have been a good use of our precious time.

I find her the easiest person to be around because she’s mellow and accommodating. I was really tired and not super communicative.

We did talk about my new love interest. I have a couple videos of her which she sent (text) that I showed my girlfriend. My new love interest also has a large TikTok following so we watched one of her lifehacks together.

She said that she didn’t think that she looked straight and that I am prettier. I don’t agree at all. She’s conventionally pretty with large eyes and a great mouth. One of her appeals is her voice. It’s moderately deep and she has a great cadence.

My girlfriend did say that if she saw her in real life and her whole presentation that she might find her more attractive. And when I was telling her a few things about her she said, “She sounds like me.”

They are alike in many ways. They’re just over 7-years apart (April birthday and July birthday) and they are athletic / dancer types. They’re both extroverts. I don’t know what my new love interest played in high school and will ask about that on Wednesday. They had loss of a parent at young ages too. Neither one drinks and don’t want partners who drink.

My girlfriend explained that she had no idea that it would go fast. Meaning that I would talk to her on Saturday about beginning to date and make a profile the following day and then have a date within two weeks.

I told her about my location changes when I travel and she was somewhat shocked. I told her that a couple of women who I saw annually for something fun like a vacation would be ideal.

She told me, “You’re just more poly than I am.” I explained that while that is true that she loves her ex-husband more than me. And that’s factual so she agreed. I’m not sure that polyamory has degrees, but is likely expressed differently.

Then we talked about sex generally. I would never have sex with someone who I didn’t know again. I did that twice in my thirties. One relationship stuck for years and I’m still amiable, and have an infrequent, but am still in communication with one woman. The other one is one with whom I have no connection to whatsoever.

I think it takes about three-months to begin to know someone.

I met my new love interest in November and have only just now reconnected.

I want to see how our date goes on Wednesday, and I also want to kiss her if it goes well.

I wonder how our pace will go?

When I talked to her on the phone, I told her that I go pretty slow. She was glad about that. She hasn’t been with a woman in many years and was married for 12 to a man.

I think that slow and steady will also have some benefit for my girlfriend.

by

Bad Ways

The Photographer and I had a walk and lunch yesterday. I was shocked that she said yes when I texted her that it was a shot in the dark, but would she be able to meet up with me? I asked her if she and I could walk and then I’d take her to lunch. It’s her birthday very shortly, so I wanted to do that.

Initially, I had plans with Vegan, and she was operating under the information in a text rather than our calendar notice so we didn’t get much time together. She may have been a little irritated with me, but I still saw Vegan.

The Photographer had been travelling with a new partner. They were all over Brazil, which is an easy lift for her as she is multilingual. Their trip sounded magical. I was so happy for her.

Until lunch.

There are just bad ways to do polyamory. I know that often discussion group leaders say that you can do polyamory any way that you want to, but I don’t agree.

The Photographer’s partner had been emailing off and on with her ex of 3.5-years. On their trip, she learned that they would be meeting up. She asked her how she felt about that. And her partner kept saying that she had no feelings and would feel like she felt when they met.

Well, they both felt some kind of way.

They spent NYE together.

The Photographer had to make quick plans with her friends so as not to spend it on her own.

The Photographer has been dating lots of people right now. She’s a great date. It’s funny because she’s a great date even when you’re not on a date!

While on these dates, she has had people who have dated her partner say that her partner has told them not to date the Photographer. Her partner is also going out on dates with other people who date her ex and she is talking to them also about not dating her. She wants the Photographer, her current partner, and her ex to be at her disposal. The Photographer also told me that she is seemingly incapable of romance and doesn’t plan any dates with her.

The Photographer said, “You look angry.” I said, “Of course, I’m angry! I am an 8. And this is confusing and shitty behavior.”

I told my girlfriend about it last night and she said that it gives polyamory a bad name.

Except that this morning, I don’t think it’s polyamory.

I think that the Photographer’s partner is manipulative, unethical, and wants to control people and that has nothing to do with her sexual orientation or how she designs relationships with another person.

I think that if you’re going to be in concurrent relationships that all people at the very least need to know one another. Hopefully, they’ll be friends, but you can’t control that! I’ve had a terrible experience in 2009 – 2010 because I wasn’t allowed to exist to my girlfriend’s other partner. I should have broken up with her then.

I run this difficult balance of being protective and letting go while watching others engage in interactions that will hurt them. I think that writing about her this morning has helped me. I’ll just wait for her to text me after she’s met with and talked to her partner. I want to support her fully.

How do you listen to your friends when you know that they’re putting their hands in a bear trap?