I know that inadequate or misinterpreted communication has been the kiss of death with me and the ending of all my relationships. However, I didn’t realize until yesterday that my ex has kinda fucked up the way that I see people and what I will tolerate from anyone as well. There are things to reflect on and try to alter slowly.
My friend connected me and my artist, if I’m being honest. It would have been circuitous and next to impossible to talk with her had I waited on one of my best friends to connect us, and as I have written earlier, I would have never had the guts to approach her anyway. I have noticed this past weekend, however, that she like most drop-dead beautiful women who has her own stuff relative to the way that she sees herself. I’m sure much of that comes from what Ani says, “And everyone harbors a secret hatred for the prettiest girl in the room.” I digress.
To be concise, my friend, who connected us, slowly cancelled plans over the course of Saturday.
My birthday was somewhat challenging, and the experience relates to my Saturday this weekend. I was juggling a book, leftover soup, and my wallet. I had left my cell in my car. While trying to hug my parents and our friends, I asked my son to hold my wallet, and he did, but when we got home, it was gone. I called the restaurant. I went to the parking lot, and then I called my friend who’s been in my life for 12-years and we searched my car with flashlights. She was cool and nice and said, “I’ll withdraw cash, we will buy you a new wallet for your bday, and we will get together Saturday night and make sauce and have girl time.” She is a big promiser. It’s just her thing.
With her too, you can’t always be sure much will actually come to fruition, because her life always has roadblocks and things that she deals with constantly. For example, I was SHOCKED when she and I did a long summit which was over 15-miles this past July. She has been “climbing” with me for years, but it did actually happen, and we completed a summit this past summer. That’s good. Dinner did not happen on Saturday, and that’s not shocking. I got a text from her early in the morning saying sorry that she didn’t check in on Friday and that she probably had to cancel cooking because she had a friend coming. I said, “Let’s all get together,” and then when my artist asked what I was doing on Saturday, we both felt like we didn’t want to be apart after I left to watch my son’s game.
In summary, I was hanging out with my artist and her youngest son on Saturday morning and it was obvious that she was thinking that she should join, and I wanted it too. So, I texted my old friend and she said, “Of course.” All day she got more lukewarm on our plans in general. Then late in the afternoon that became a complete cancellation due to a “bad mood.” I honestly think although she denies it, there is some jealousy here, which I confronted head-on. She has a child boy toy who is 17-years her junior who now has a gf and has dropped off the face of the earth, and I am currently dating her friend of nearly 25-years.
We couldn’t have a rational conversation about the way the cancellation went down and it was all weird. She cussed and used exclamation points via text. TRIGGER. I realized our conversation was completely unproductive so I asked her to table it, and she went into MY ISSUES. I have some for sure, but the whole thing was odd and was based on the time that I had to cancel hers and my plans when I didn’t have a penny to my name for ingredients for us to cook with, or for screen patches that we were going to use to do a home repair. One time that I cancelled. I’m not getting into that. Space is better.
I can’t text fight. I can’t read cussing, which is directed at me, and exclamation points. I feel badly being brushed aside and really was upset that these plans being cancelled effected my son, and my artist’s youngest kids. These feelings all result from dealings with my ex during 2012. I have really high standards now with respect to how I will be treated and what I’ll tolerate. I’m not going to her house again and I am not getting in touch with her. It was toxic. (If she wants to hang out again, we can do stuff at my house. She never comes over here and was furious that I dropped off DVDs and told her that I’m not her boy toy. I actually said, “I’m not ____ .” I still know that there is something more than wanting to be alone here, but she doesn’t want to talk about it, so I’ll just take space from her.)
I wound up bringing food to my artist’s place that I bought thinking that we were going to BBQ at our mutual friends’ house. I bought stuff that was kinda difficult to cook indoors, but we made it work. After dinner, which was fun and some games with our boys, we did the dishes and talked. She grabbed me from behind at my waist and her fingertips were in my spine and she said, “Now, that is a nice spot.” I haven’t been touched by anyone the way that she touches me.
I have a pretty assertive presentation, so unless you are physical with me, you don’t note that my dynamic is also one of “green light” waiting for signs or first moves. That is just me. I certainly would not have made out with her in her dining room while we were setting the table, or would I have felt the muscles in her low back. When you run, those get really tight and defined. I certainly noticed them on my ex, and it felt great to have her notice mine on me given that I have worked really hard since March of 2012 to get into good shape and stay healthy. After I stopped pressing her against her sink and burying my head in her hair, we played a game. We laughed hard.
Before I left, I told her that I know that when I was writing here and in my journal as well that it was like a soul reach. I know it is her with whom I’d like to explore a relationship. I told her that I waited for her. After the night waned and morning came, these assertions resulted in her feeling scared. She told me, which is good. But what I don’t get is why it scared her. She started these things with emailing me back after the wedding and said, “Not to scare you, but I have only seen that expression in one photograph of me and it was when I was with my ex and I was in love, but trying to hide my affections.” OK. Then she wrote the most genuinely loving message on my FB wall on Thursday for my bday with the words “love and kisses” in it. OK. She told all of her boys, her sister who is local, and her Dad that we are dating. OK. So, I told her where I am, and it scared her.
What was my result? I figured that she does “push and pull,” and that we don’t work. So, after church, I rode 20-miles on my road bike. That helped. Then doing laundry and cooking dinner for my workout partner helped even more. I just need to have this tough conversation. It will have to be this weekend if we do take my son away, or at a later date, but this stuff is ripe and should not be buried because I do know that letting it lie can lead to resentment. I don’t know how to have these conversations. I still struggle with whether or not I deserve to stay in relationship. My ex has fucked me up and I let her.