So, of course Shane would send my son a package yesterday.

One of my clients got called into her job last night, and another one moved her session, so I decided to move my on-going family who I will be referring out to a couple of providers to late afternoon tomorrow.  Last night, I ate dinner WITH my son–he only saved me half of a biscuit though–and talked at length.  We walked our dog, cuddled, and seemed really connected.  He is awake now, because our dog already busted in his room, but I am staying home with him until his father picks him up for the weekend.  My son’s school has a planning day for teachers and so there are no classes.

I had a good shift today.  I think that because lonely girl has been contacting me and she is really pretty, I was thinking about an FB again.  She is a quick bike ride away.  However, it is not good to sleep with someone who you know has done shady things which have resulted in losing friends.  That is pretty complicated sex.

Shane and I had the uncomplicated thing for a summer.  When she told me around Labor Day that because she had been sleeping with one of the girls from work for 7-months, that when she said that they should be exclusive so she just agreed, I was like, “Peace out.”  This was four-years ago.  She was shocked.  I think that I meant more to her than 1) I had thought, and 2) She meant to me.  I never contacted her again, and we reconnected four-months later on NYD.  At that time, I figured that I maybe meant a lot to her, and it was flattering.  That’s really all lonely girl is.  It’s flattering, but it needn’t go down the sex road.  So, it won’t.

The funny thing about roads that you travel is that they can become circuituous.  I don’t want to circle back to an FB.  I do think that lonely girl will either put the moves on me or proposition me for sex, but I can just go home.  I had an FB last summer when my ex and I were on a summer hiatus, and I just don’t want one.  Even if the new prospect is super gainfully employed and independent.  It means a lot to me that the women who I met that she hung out with over a year ago don’t speak to her now.  Begs the question…  What did you do?  I know that lesbians are cliquey, but damn.

I’m fine with friendships with lots of different people.  My father had us move about 13-times as I grew up.  I was in 7th grade when we bought a house and stayed, and that stability lasted a year wherein my brother was killed and I was seriously injured.  I knew mobility and then debilitating loss.  Those were my frame of reference for my first 14-years.  It was my journey though.

The lessons from that is that I can easily make friends, but that it is more difficult for me to give myself away.  I’ve gotten really good at the latter over the last six-years.  I can tell new people my story, because I have worked through it.  The biggest shift for me is that I know it’s critical to be vulnerable when you are making a close friendship and that it is a foundational attribute when you are with a partner.

I was vulnerable with my coming out affair, Shane, and then really very much so with my ex.  That is where I am.  I’m ready not for an FB, a conversion of FB to a gf, or a woman who flips and flops and never really settles on committing to me.  I’m shifting for being ready for that real thing whenever the time is right, and it will be with a woman who I know well and have already spent lots of time hanging and connecting.

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