I have been with avoidant attached folks. I have some anxious features, but wouldn’t say that is my style. I feel secure. I wonder if because of my relationship experiences, I’ve gotten more anxious. There is a super long post here called “Becoming Me,” which illustrates the entirety of my coming-out affair. (I’d been with two girls who were bi-flex prior: high school and college.) However, what I have been drawn to are avoidant women and my ex-husband too, honestly. I think that I’ve liked the intense attraction to me. Great information for me too, because attraction is great, but it leads to things that are weird like saying that she has to move out, or eluding to plans that never get made. I can detach from that stuff, and won’t take it on. I know what I want and where I’m going.
I dreamt that my ex-wife was here for a visit and she opened up the back windows after I took a shower so I asked her if she liked having a cold room after she showered and she said yes. I took off my robe and she laid on the bed so I laid on her. Again, I was attracted to her for years and first just from a picture. I know that I had this dream because I was telling the climber on our solo commute home that I was so glad that my son talked to his stepmom. She apparently is fighting with her Mom. Her stuff really stemmed from that original relationship, and I don’t think that either of them have the tools to talk through their avoidant attachment which is their foundation. My ex-wife really resents her mother and was telling my son that she wants to move out. I was neutral with him. His father is so irritable all the time and my son complains all the time about him, so I’m 1) glad that the chapter closes on May 20th and there isn’t a single reason for me to ever have to speak to his Dad, and 2) I can just be happy that he will be in touch with his stepmom and still have conversations with her. I think that’s healthy.
There are so many things that I need to learn about being poly. I think what is sticking out to me 57 pages into the Sheff (2014) book is that honesty and communication is key. I’m super direct, being an 8, and always try to work on being kind. The latter won’t be at my expense though. If a woman starts doing weird stuff, I’m just going to stay neutral. I don’t chase. I also don’t say things that I don’t mean. I don’t want to be in love with an avoidant woman. I think that you do have some control over falling in love. I would go on dates with avoidant women–they’re fun–but I don’t want a partnership with them.
Speaking of which, the photographer is really good at what she does. The walkthrough went well, and I ran into one of my neighbors who I think that I have known for over 30-years. I hugged him, and we caught up. He’s in between jobs. His shop that he worked for closed 6-months ago so he’s hustling and doing contracting. That sealed it for me. I want him to do all the work that the photographer recommended should be done so that the house looks good. I’ll just need to get a loan that I pay back at the end of summer. I did just what I said I would do: I treated her like a professional and thanked her several times. She texted that she is honored to help me through this process and thanked me for trusting her. I made sure to give her wide berths, had good social skills that were only professional, and didn’t come near her.
Yesterday was pretty weird. Not sucky, but weird. The meeting that we had at the end of the day was long and useless. The nice guy started the day crying because he is actively fighting with his girlfriend. I think that he is anxious attached and she is avoidant attached. I asked him, “Do you want to continue this back and forth? Do you feel like you’re on a rollercoaster?” He said that he didn’t know. I’m giving him the Levine and Heller book (2010) when I finish it. I beelined out of the building with the climber because the nice guy had a performance that he was in after we were done with work and was already gone. I felt imprisoned in the meeting and was watching, as I am sure everyone was, the climber fall asleep. She fell asleep a few times in the car too and was generally kind but a little disconnected. Again, I think she sleeps 3-4 hours many nights and then rolls into work. I’m not even sure that she’s aware that several times she was completely out cold and jerked her head up during the meeting.
Because I ran out, I’d left my cell next to my laptop. I had to drive all the way back to work. I can’t even fathom how many hours I was in the car. I’m lucky that I even got in. We are co-located with another program right now, so my fob reader didn’t work on the interior door. I found a guy who works in the other program sitting in his car while it was running and got him to let me in. I walked my dogs way past 6, couldn’t find parking at my friend’s Master’s of Fine Arts exhibition so I missed her photos and was so sad. I sent her a picture of me in front of the university art center and if she scrolled in, she’d see herself inside in the background of the picture. (I may bike up there this afternoon.) I went to the bar and ate sushi next door, which was beautiful but very mid. They had live music at the bar, so I paid the cover and the music was awful. (My son and I could do better.) I played one of the guitars for a little bit in the basement, and noted that I’ll do that again. Drank one beer and came home and read my two books. Again, not sucky, but full moon weird–gorgeous moon though.
I’m taking my son to work and going to hit the elliptical, grab groceries and get an adjustment. I don’t want to get in my car again after that. Yesterday was barfy like that, and I’ve already texted the fun girl who’s a BFF of the cardiologist and the other woman about not going dancing tonight. No more commutes in the car until I have to drive on Monday. I would like to also finish both books this weekend.