I told her that we didn’t have bad timing because she already has a girlfriend. Then she unloaded on me and said that I completely lack compassion and that is something that she never understood. Frankly, I got sick of the “timing” card, which was always bullshit, so I called that. She admitted that she never wanted to drive to me so she could see me. That is what stung the worse, and I always assumed it. I get being tired, but my world is that it is always better when I wake up next to a woman when my week has been long or bad–but I didn’t say that.
All of these exchanges are via email. I told her that I don’t know a single person who thinks that I lack compassion and I listed all the straws that I grasped at including always driving to her–sometimes several times in the same weekend–just to be with her to support as best as I could, especially after she lost her father. She does not acknowledge that, and it’s because all people have drawbacks to her. They are failing her. They don’t give her an even exchange of what she gives them.
People do have weaknesses. People do fuck up. Maybe that’s true, but I don’t lead with them, because I would be sad and miserable.
Additionally, I told her that because I don’t know anyone who thinks that I lack compassion, I am not meant to be close with her, and she agreed. We will see how long. I don’t care though. I tried to be her friend, but she has this bizarre flavor wherein she lists what a great woman I am and how “proud” she is of me, only to then tell me that I lack compassion. She must still think that I am creepy, negative, and selfish too. Again, those are not things that even my good friend who I have always had since 5th grade thinks. Consensus is that I’m direct, honest, and straightforward. I’ll take the consensus, because I only entertain a friendship with her for a day or two. In fact, I only entertained a relationship in the same manner after September. I told her that we don’t show up to the external world in the same way and that I wish her peace.
So, I have a few sentences.
- Fine. How are you?
- Good. Just working.
- Great. He is doing tons.
- How are things for you?
- Hours for school are hard.
Cool! I have read enough Hemingway to be able to do this stuff well. That’s it. It’s on a rolodex. (However in the days of SIM cards and synching your email to your phone, those days are over.) But, I can open this entry when she does get in touch with me again so I have my list. Those are the ONLY things that I will say to her.
My girl from church and I didn’t get to talk on the telephone yesterday. Damn. I think that she likes being pursued though. I don’t have time for that though, and haven’t had to do it much. I came out at 33. I lived with my college gf, and my hs gf lived across the street from me. I’ve never had to pursue much, and generally do like the quote that those who want to be caught are the true catches, so I’ll just wait to hear from her. That is what is best with introverted Water Signs. And believe me, I have had three–fourteen-years worth–and also a few dates with a girl who was exactly her sign. The secret is… Don’t overwhelm them.
She has to work all day on Saturday, and because she has been unemployed for so long, I completely get that. I left her a VM and said that the offer for dinner is always open, because I’d like to get to know her better and that if I need to get a sitter, so be it. Yesterday, I actually had to serve communion as well. She came up in a large group of transgirls and when I smiled at her, she flushed. It was very cute. I texted her later that for what it was worth she looked pretty today and I was glad that she took communion from me. It’s nice to flirt. I’ll see what transpires. I do think that summer is a good time for me, and even if it’s super hot and burning again, I have done my hard work moving through a bad relationship, and I even had my sex-only rebound thing. I’m looking for more. I’m going to go to my friend’s church a bit this summer too. I also have two races in April, and then one in June, and one in July, and a cycling event in September.
Church was beautiful yesterday. Having been raised Catholic, I can’t think of a time that lent has been beautiful, but it was in my church, and the message was that we are not alone ever and that we are all works in progress. I sat by this guy who I really like. He is sweet and fairly quiet, but very bright. He and I both had tears during the service. My boy came bounding up with paper dolls right before the last prayer for communion–of course with wounds on some of them–and said, “They are all different.” It seems that they are still doing diversity in the children’s liturgy.
I don’t want to “get things right.” Rather, I want to move and learn from a woman who walks my path and and I walk hers. I’m good with being “in progress.” Remember that Bill Murray only really does want Andie McDowell in “Groundhog Day,” but he has to become well-rounded and authentic before she will even notice him much? I am good with where I am. I don’t put others down, and I know that I can be good to those who I know and nurture.