So, I’m on page 126 in the Sheff (2013) book and thinking about my past relationship with the woman who got a transplant recently as well as thinking about what I’ll never do again. It probably helps to review, but if you’re interested in the slightest, please read “Waiting or Dying.”

When I met her, I just wanted to hook-up and we did that for a couple of months. Then she pared down lovers and it was me and one other woman. We were eventually a vee. I knew about it with a great level of detail, and the other woman knew little about me. One time she had texted me, “Do you have earrings with _____?” I can’t remember what she texted. I texted back, “My ears aren’t pierced.” And she had texted something to the effect that she knew that I “could handle her asking about the earrings.” By that time, I don’t think that she was having sex with anyone but me and one other woman. We were a de facto vee after my girlfriend couldn’t manage her “kid in the candy store” stage. I was so busy with a preschooler that I could just sleep with her every other weekend.

I don’t want that ever again. The other woman was insanely jealous of me, and when my girlfriend moved, I was just glad that she was 6 states away. I wasn’t ever jealous. After she pursued me because the other woman was out of the picture, I couldn’t let go of that she really didn’t ever choose me. Being exclusive with me was an extension of her pervasive complacency. Our foundation was built on nothing, and we ended with nothing. How you start out does matter.

I don’t want to have or be a primary partner. I want an honest rotation. A quad would be ideal. I understand that the network would be complex, and I have no need to know much about any of the women in my partners’ networks. I would be fine if my partners wanted to zoom, phone or have a quick meeting, but that would not be something that I’d want. I just want a clean STI test and I’ll give one too before intimacy.

I would still like to hold hands, snuggle and kiss whoever I want to, and think that works fine too. If someone in my quad wants to sleep with an entire network that is totally fine with me too, and I know that I could manage around three significant relationships. Again, when there is time in between having sex, I won’t have sex with a woman until I see a newly dated STI document.

I don’t want weird jealousy ever again. I don’t want to ever listen to someone bitch about a woman in their network either.

We live way past 25 now. In some cases, a relationship can last forever and be very good. People dynamically grow and change together. Otherwise, I think that we’re meant to have many relationships. I personally want to have safe, honest, and relationships built on emotional intimacy. And like my friendships, I want to have many.