New feelings

I didn’t feel like I do now after my coming out affair ended, and I definitely didn’t feel this way after I ended it with the drunk.  Then I was ecstatic, which wasn’t all that good because I started communicating with my ex pretty close to right afterward.  I need some down time to just reflect on what I want before I date again.  I didn’t do that last time around, which is why they were both controllers, addicts in their own ways, and not communicative.

I need to be outside.  I need to laugh like I did tonight.  I need stimulation and connection like I had over coffee.  I need to be attracted to a girl and for her to find me attractive too, so we can have that chemical hit when we connect.  I learned today while reading some research that when you get away, vary your routine, or add a lot of laughs and ease that you can have sex like you did in your first year within your ltr.  That gives me hope.  Also hopeful is that I have some new friends who deeply love each other and have been in an ltr for years.  I want that.  I don’t like the fade.

I also don’t like feeling sad.  It’s finally completely over, and I know it.  It’s different this time and we probably won’t see each other for a really long time.  The latter is ok because then I’m hoping that her rage toward me has subsided somewhat.

I’m culpable only for not wanting to put up with ill treatment, but she’s not used to anyone challenging her or even disagreeing with her.  I’ve watched her say, “He is pissing me off calling all the time.  I think that he just needs me more than I do him,” about her best friend, and I have seen her have periods of silence with her manager wherein it just has to blow over because she does not budge or try to talk through work conflicts.  That’s what she’s used to.  In fact, I recall when we were working in a couple’s book that she had never been broken up with ever anyway.  And I didn’t really break up with her, because she started this dance over a year ago and I just buckled and started agreeing with her after three-months of break-ups.

Being pushed away just is deadly.  I was so demoralized for so long and really wondering why I was such a bad person?  I do think that you can be mismatched with someone, but really I do think that some people just naturally find faults.  I don’t want that because I really have a belief that everyone is doing the very best that she or he can with what they’ve got.  That belief includes me, because I always try the very best that I’m able.

6 thoughts on “New feelings

  1. Nobody says:

    I learned it is best to stay away from fault finders. Their words have a way of sticking in your psyche like thorns. I know from experience. I like that part about preventing “the fade”. That happened in my last ltr and I wish I would have had the tools to prevent it. Alas, I am still in the learning curve. But seems like you are doing a lot to work on yourself.

    • TomBoy says:

      I have only been with this one. I have had scads of different types of relationships, but never had someone so critical all of the time. It’s like she is looking for perfection. I’d prefer someone who takes me as I am and treats me well.

  2. And sometimes when you find yourself in the market, casually browsing over some avocados on display. You squeeze a few. Tell yourself the color some how makes a difference, then lay them back on the display and head home. No guacamole tonight. And it’s good. Of course you can live without guacamole, even if it feels healthy and your friends tell you that you need it. Yes sir, life without guacamole is not so bad. Sure, it makes Mexican food bland means you can’t enjoy some sandwiches or salads, but over all life goes on.

    Sandwiches and salads have other ingredients. You’ll forget about guacamole when you’ve had a good minestrone or Cesar’s salad. Go on, try a club sandwich with the curly peppered fries. Just once, for lunch. You don’t have to buy a new recipe book. It’s just a meal.

    Don’t feel sad for all the meals you could have had and didn’t choose. At least you didn’t order them up and half way through decide you don’t like them so much and send it back with complaints about the cook. A good meal doesn’t need to be complex or simple or even have a name. Just try a few that you’ve not had before… explore a bit. Perhaps your palate has a much wider range than you’ve been feeding it. There’s no harm in trying something a little bit new or different. Try to resist buying a lifetime supply of ingredients if you find a meal tasty. Slow. Breathe. Check the menu again.

    What’s for desert?

    • TomBoy says:

      I used to shop around and partake of a dessert-only menu, but now I just want to make new connections and see what grows from there. Oddly, that is what I had told myself I was going to do in September of 2011, so I’m overdue.

  3. Nancy says:

    Rejection IS hard to swallow. It makes us doubt ourselves even when we are our most confident. Stay away from the fault finders!! No one needs that in their lives.

    • TomBoy says:

      I sure as hell don’t. It was sick rejection, because then she would call, show up, or just wind up making out with me. Here’s to a New Year and a girl who is confident in wanting me consistently!

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