I recall when my ex and I didn’t hook up for three-months that by the end of the second month, I really wanted some arms around me and some sex. I told my psychologist (who I pay) that I won’t be getting into that pattern anymore because of the little liar. It was unsettling that she kept truths from me craftily. Although it would be nice to sleep with someone, I’d rather it be someone who I really know.
I get that takes time. It takes a year. But, conversations about what you want and value can organically develop especially when alcohol is not involved and the convo takes place in the daylight. So, no more than 2 beers and alternating getting together for dinner and for hikes or bike rides, I think. I’m not a skier or boarder, so that makes some girls not want to be with me. However, I do love music. In the middle of winter you don’t tend to think about outdoor concerts, but those are really fun too.
We hiked and sledded yesterday. My friend who accompanied me so I had help with our dog and my son, played a bunch of songs in the car that her love interest had sent her electronically. (She is 12-years younger than me, so I noted gone are the days of the mix tape. And of course I used to synch my ex’s iPod monthly.) My friend has started a distance “something” with a guy who lives on the east coast. She was happy and a good pair of extra hands to have while my son sledded and we waited to hike.
Today friends are coming down for a couple of quiches, hashbrowns, and salad. They have two kiddos. I’ve known them 18-years. I think that we will have fun.
I had this running argument with my ex that I ran by my psychologist, and that is that you can tell a lot about a girl by the way that she treats and responds to her friends. She agreed with me and said that just knowing a woman’s friends is good information, but my ex always said that stakes are way too high in love relationships so it’s not comparable. My ex thought that quality of friendships and feedback that you get from your friends has no relationship to your love relationship. Even her best friend in the world was one who she would talk smack about, and I could never understand that because she would do anything for my ex. You don’t have to agree with a person’s choice of partner, but it makes hanging out in pairs much easier. So I thought about that this morning–meaning who your friends decide to marry or co-habitate with and it’s effect.
I think that I could ignore a partner who doesn’t treat my friend well. In fact, I pretty much do. My best friend who lives locally and is a woman, has a husband who is literally never home and doesn’t seem to make the kids clean up or do any chores. There is more to it too, but I just give him a hug and move on, because I’m not married to him. My ex says underhanded things directly to the face of her best friend’s partner–one that I could quote was a crack about being overweight. Another time, because she is incredibly quick, she said a disarmingly mean thing that let her best friend’s partner know that she was intelligent. I think my ex lives to make others uncomfortable when her insecurities are taped. There were also those miserable dog walks that we took wherein she’d scream at her dog because she was conducting smell fests more than walking. She also used to throw the leash down. I definitely get that type of response!
Like I did last summer, I’m adjusting to being single. However, I’m different because when we tried late summer to see (just the months of our bdays), and she started her fickle dance of breaking plans when she wanted to and then unloading on me when it hurt my feelings, I just bailed. Then when she said we weren’t priorities in each other’s lives and I lost it, she did a great job of not yelling back at me, but upon reflecting, she only was calm because she had never seen my lose my temper. The latter is not pretty. I’m done, done now. I’m productive and using schedules and getting organized for the final legs of my doc too. I think that when you tell a woman that you don’t want to approximate dating anymore, you have really ended it. When I didn’t go to her party at the beginning of last month, I think that caused her to move even further from me. So, then like she does with friends, she said things that sit oddly and then hurt later.
I definitely need to use my skills of observation when I start dating. Having one girl who checked her watch and the another reflect on how feminine her ex was while I was next to them naked, has left me cautious to say the least. I still want a girl who wants to be with me.