I talked with my friend who facilitated my being able to be with my girlfriend. My artist. She says that she is my sherpa, and I don’t get that. I don’t know why she says that she is my nomadic, mountain woman. I will tell you that I miss her eyes, touch and laugh right now sitting on my couch sipping a beer.
I was smoking pissed and hurt with this same friend when she cancelled on my artist and I a month ago and then sent me mean texts that remind me of my ex. Explanation points and telling me to fuck off was not what I wanted. That has faded. But, I am still much more comfortable doing my own thing at my house. I’m liking my house a lot and have cleaned up a lot of closets and the like. I’m going to do that more today. I don’t want to write. I’m going to get up at 3:30 and do that tomorrow.
Right now, I want to write about what my friend (who connected my girl and I and also cancelled) said about my dreams. She agreed that I was working through limits that I have set with friends who are on the periphery of my life, and she said something really interesting to me about the dream about my ex. She thinks that I have finally “closed up shop” so to speak and she said that it is because I am in love with my girlfriend. She didn’t use that metaphor, but it meant “done and done,” which is how I felt even before I hung out for a night with my artist. She told me that the themes in the dream were of children, because my ex, if she did ever contact me again would want to appear carefree and childlike. Well, she is NOT. She is dark and angry. She has passion, but the other side of that passion is fucking scary. I can’t navigate her moods or her pawn making. That was when I had the beginning of the emotional affair that I did. Of course, I was talking outside and as I rounded the corner, there she was! She was walking with her two kids. Of course she was.
That is when I put my ex to bed. That night, my son and I fought like crazy because he was hungry and we couldn’t find the restaurant. While we fought, I confronted my ex on why she was forming a friendship with my cousin and her kids. That was low, and weird. While she would only say how it happened, I realized that there is no why with this woman. There are only linear, sequential stories in which everyone wants to be close to her. That’s her. When I got to my car again, after my son and I ate, made up, wound up having a good night, and I was driving back home, I had heavy flirtation from this woman. This interaction culminated in a two or three-day emotional affair. That was the night that I got the goods who my ex is, laid her to rest, and realized that I could have heavy passion for another woman.
And I did. That’s gone. She has a beautiful voice and eyes, but I would never want anything with her. It’s just not there. She was my “closer” for the end of my ex. And there she was when my friend was analyzing my dream, and telling me that I am in love with my girlfriend and that I am dreaming about her, because I was in love with her, and now my heart belongs to someone else. Could that be true?