I sent her a little encouraging, well-wishing email yesterday, and I got back a corpse-like response right before bedtime. It wasn’t even signed, “Love,” and was formal and business-like. It’s saying that we are not working for her and that she knows some of what it is, but it’s not helpful to email. I am leaning toward just leaving it at “Ouch,” and that I didn’t see it coming and feel foolish. I’m not known for brevity, so it’s not like I didn’t write more, but I’m not inclined to having a conversation about it. That’s where I am when I woke up. I feel like if you write a Dear John email, it’s not only distasteful, but it is also slightly mean. I was very kind to her and her family.
I texted the woman with whom I had that emotional affair and told her that the worst thing was that I have to tell my son. I got some clarity while talking to her via text. I don’t have to say much of anything. I can keep saying that she is busy, because she is, and that I don’t know when he will see her little boys again. And, I don’t. When he pushes me, and he will, I will just say that she doesn’t have time to tend to a relationship. Honestly, I think that she is either not gay enough, or not well enough with where she is on her journey to attend to a relationship.
I learned that I love being at ease with someone. I do too. It’s easy and pleasant, and I love to laugh. I also am open to another mother, but would prefer that it is not one who I already know. I have compassion for her and enjoyed my times with her. I definitely love her, but had not fallen in love, so it’s unlikely that I will even shed a tear. I will always have some love for her even if I don’t see her again or for a long time. It’s not dramatic for me. It’s just sad, weird, and not stable.
Here is what I dreamt. It was another vivid one.
I was talking to her in her house, and she was mostly matter-of-fact. It wasn’t sterile, because she still smiled and laughed a lot, but it was not warm or sexual at all. I finally had to talk through what it did to me. I told her that it was like a “brain scramble.” Meaning that I thought one thing and then felt very fucked over and it happened so suddenly that I couldn’t make any sense of it. She seemed to not be following what I was saying, so I used a gross metaphor, and motioned as if I had a wooden spoon above my head and was stirring my brain. I said it basically to let her know that it was like mindfuck. I also told her that her disconnection that seemed like a slow demise was like thin rock sheaths being stripped off of my heart in layers. I told her it hurt. That seemed more salient for her, but she didn’t apologize. She seemed sympathetic, which just annoyed me.
Then I had to gather my son and say “Goodbye” to her boys. I really love her baby boy, and he and I seem to have a bond. It hurt too. Then in the dream, she actually had four cats. (She does have a couple.) She was insistent that we take a ginger brown one who was docile and sweet. I emphatically said, “No.” I kept having to explain that I don’t want a cat and that I am not sure that I could take care of one well and that our dog bothers cats. I got away from her and the cat in a towel, but she brought it to my house. I told her that I didn’t have time or inclination to train my dog with a cat. I told her that I would foster him for a little bit and then adopt him out.
I’m not going to push anything on her. I’m not going to pursue her. I’m not going to win her back over. I don’t even care to hear her side of it. I thought it a strange way to show up when she hadn’t emailed me back in over a week and texted me only a handful of times. Then this is what I get in response to my innocuous and gentle one. Fuck that. It’s just not stable enough for me to seek out or invest energy investigating. I didn’t like it.
I deserve good treatment. I know that I am a helluva catch. I’m glad that I had some ease with strikingly beautiful woman for 6-weeks. Would have been nice to have slept more than 3-hours last night though 😦
Wow. What does the cat in the dream represent? What is she trying to tell you? That she wants you to take care of a part of her, but not be connected with you? It’s great that you listen to your dreams.
The cat was what I would do. She was the shadow me. In previous relationships, I would try to fix, give, and nurture. Not anymore. A break-up email is callous and disrespectful. I don’t want to talk to her. I love her and have compassion for her and her situation, but I will not engage or try to fix.