When you have a seven-year-old, a nine-year-old, and a twelve-year-old in the house together, and you have been raising an only, it has some “dynamics.” I think that I may be dropping my son off today at his best friend’s house. It should be my ex-husband’s weekend, but he has flu, so I don’t think that I will be able to get my normal time. Given that my boy had a lot of trouble not driving the bus with a card game, and wanted to change the rules so nobody could follow it, and really just wanted to play video games, I should take him on a long walk with our dog today and then have him read. He is truly the quintessential only child. I do rather wish that could change.
She ran up and kissed me and said, “Baby!” when I came in the house. The woman who connected us was right behind me. My girlfriend has a way of making those things just work again. I have only been with two middle children. I like that. They are natural mediators.
You know how you have something in your head that doesn’t happen and it’s hard? I just wanted her to hold me when I came in. I asked to hug me when we were leaving and she was exhausted and I traced the top of her back, which is really beautiful and moved her hair off of it. It’s like drinking her in when we are that close. I also like feeling where her sit bones are against my thighs when I lay sideways and she bends her knees over my legs. Our connection is good and many times our affection is sensual and is always tender. I was glad that we connected even if we had another girl there and our little boys.
I was supposed to see her and the little boys again today for a Halloween activity, but I don’t know if my son will cooperate. He gets scared with costumes and has always been terrified of animatronics. I will probably just drop him off at his best friend’s house for a few hours. He has a game today, and I’ll definitely enjoy that, but then I want some time with my girlfriend and her little boys, if that is a possibility.
I’m ready to settle down. I wound up in a str8 marriage as a child, and continued it because I’m loyal and he was my buddy. Then when he continued the path of anger and rage toward me, I just didn’t want that anymore. I didn’t want to be with him, and we separated, he moved to AK, and I did the solo thing in the big house. I sure have gotten good at keeping up with this place, and the funny thing was that it was before our son! I would have left him then (2005), but I suddenly got pregnant and thought that we should try.
I want to put out the intention to be living with someone after I turn 40. I want to have family, navigate situations with a few kids, and have arms around me when I wake up. I want to nurture and connect to a woman who has my whole heart, and connects me to the world.