No absolutes

The only thing that I don’t want to do is drive up there.  There are multiple reasons why I won’t too.  It’s really far away and moves my needle a little over half when I do come home.  It requires me to get oil changes faster.  I also miss being home.  I have been away from home with my free time for three-years because I dated a woman who moved to FL and then when I was finally completely free of her, I started up another relationship and my ex does not live in the same city.  I need a home base for a sense of balance.

I know that I do love her, but I know myself and if I can spend a few months without seeing her and just stay focused on my practical stuff and writing for school and the normal nuts and bolts of busy work and my parenting responsibilities, I will be through being in love with her.  It’s fine to have love for someone, but it’s not good when you are not with someone and still very much in love with them.  I think that only this time I have made a positive shift in a healing direction because I directly told her yesterday that she’s welcome to come to me and when I “signed off” for the night and wished her well I told her that I’m sick of being away from my house all the time, and that’s true.

A friend of mine asked why I wasn’t dating.  I slept with my ex a month ago this weekend, but I didn’t spend the night because I could feel her mood turning and didn’t want her to unload on me.  But, that’s not it.  I’m just given a lot of pause of how quickly I went into another relationship, and this one, because my ex is a healthier person; although she does have an explosive temper, was actually much more serious than my former “partnership.”  My ex is a serious and intense person.  I’m not dating because I’m giving myself space until spring to even look around or ask around.  I do like that I have two new couples who are in partnerships in my life.  They will be women who I can spend time with and see if they have single friends perhaps when I’m ready.

So, I’m not saying that I won’t have sex with my ex.  I may.  I won’t drive 80-miles to do it because I’m never home, have way less money than she does, and I want her to want to see me.  If she doesn’t, each day I am getting better and better with that truth.  I’m just being increasingly patient with myself.

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