We had a rough night on my bday. I think that I need to remind myself that she truly does drive the bus and tends toward a more rigid view of that when she is stressed or shaken. That can work or it won’t. I’m not going to invest all my soul into something that is not reciprocal.
I drove up on Thursday and unfortunately her check-up appointment did not go at all well. She will have to have surgery. This will translate into my being unable to support because she admitted that she will push me away if she is truly sick. I think that I understand that, because if the tables were turned, I would not ask for help from her because of how far away she is. I think that I would ask one of my friends who is single to move in rent-free so I wouldn’t have to go back to my folks’. In my heart, I know that she is not really sick, but has torn an area that had become weaker when she had her son.
Friday was good. Connecting with her friends surrounded by beauty was wonderful. The rough accommodations for sleep made me feel lucky that we could go back on Saturday. I know that leaving all the women was both a good and bad thing, but I just wanted to connect to her completely. Her son had gotten pretty sick. We took good care of him and he was well enough to ride bikes with us on Sunday. Monday I drove back down and worked. Now, I’m sick. Not super sick, but I do have a sore throat and am tired. I’m glad that we will know what type of surgery or course of treatment she needs as of today.
Our connection is good. She said that the weekend taught her that we travel well together and show up in a social situation well together too. I agree with both of those conclusions.
I also know that there is very little chance that I would ever date another mother again. It doesn’t appeal to me for a variety of reasons. I don’t want to juggle someone else’s kids, I don’t want tons of inflexible time compromises, and I would rather start fresh with kids of our own if partnership was possible. I have fallen completely in love with her son, and I would not want to loose him either. I don’t want that. I also don’t want to chase girls anymore. I want to do half or less of the legwork. If we don’t work out, I would wait for girls to come to me, and I mean that. I don’t like it when I extend myself and I don’t get texts back and the like.
Last night she was in overly positive mode, which is disingenuous. When I am sick, I tend to seek out people who make me laugh so I can have a distraction. The night when I had already fallen asleep she texted that she wished that I was there to hold her and that she was sorry for the emotional volatility. I actually don’t feel like she impacts me in that way. I know her. There are superficial things that I don’t know about her, but I know how she shows up. Right now, she will push me away for awhile, and that is what she does when she is dealing with things. That’s ok, because I never contacted her first all summer, so I can keep busy with life all the while getting my doctorate done. I also know enough about dating, so if we are meant to continue, life won’t get in the way.