I used to say religiously, “I’m not taking her back,” and that level of black and white doesn’t even sound like me.  Now, I say, “Your actions confuse me.”  I don’t get why she texts at night before she goes into her work week at night.  She knows that I won’t just engage and be super friendly.  I will answer direct questions, but I am not going to be chatty and exchange details with someone who I have dated for ten-months total, and that I didn’t know over a year ago.  I have tons of friends to talk about the hell that I had with my son this weekend and the fact that most of it was fragmented and he played so rough with his best friend last night that he hurt him.  I talk to my FRIENDS about that.  Plus, I’m not into superficiality, but rather connection.  I had a huge dinner on Saturday with a friend who I have had a friendship with since 5th grade at one of my colleague’s houses with whom I have just gotten closer, and closer over the last 11-years.  I have connections with friends.

I would not say that I don’t need her.  Because she is the only one who I can imagine kissing.  It is interesting to me that when I kissed for the first time the girl from summer it wasn’t even nice.  She is not a good kisser.  It had been awhile since I had been with a girl who didn’t kiss well.  Like over three-years, and I was surprised that I even went further.  I was just lonely.  That’s the huge contrast currently.  I’m not lonely.  I just think that my ex is afraid of taking a step with me for a variety of reasons, but it does translate to me that I’m not worth it to her in that realm.  However, someday we will likely be quite amiable.

I told her that I won’t text unless I have to tell her something about my son or if something would happen let’s say to my parents.  Otherwise, I will drop off a lot of food and visit her a couple of days before her surgery so I can synch her iPod.  I love a playlist that I made that is the namesake of one of my current blogging categories.  “I’m not the one to try to tell you lies, but the truth is that you’ve been hiding from it too,” are incredible lyrics as are many from the other 14 songs that I put on there.  Instead of speaking through the subterfuge of lyrics solely, I will also make a playlist of about 30 triumphant songs too so she has something to listen to while recovering.  I don’t think that I wrote that I was exactly right, and that is that she tore some of her muscles in the area where they took her son out when she had him.  I knew that she didn’t have cancer.  When you’re in love with someone and intimate with them, you just would know if he or she was sick.

I remember this summer a rather innocuous conversation that we had and it was nice.  I remember realizing that you probably can be friends with an ex, and I do believe that.  My friend and colleague who I cooked with this weekend said, “No you can’t!  You are in love with her and that won’t work!”  I told her in a few years I’ll be able to be her friend.  Again, she lives so far away from me that it won’t be close, I am sure, but what would honestly crush me is seeing her out by chance and have her be completely cold.  She is good at that too, so I’d rather just build some amiability.  I think that in my heart, I know that she really fears going to counseling with me and a woman like me presents real challenges for her.  When she withdraws, I’d really rather just know where she is at, so I can hold her tight, but like another Cameron Crowe line she is “not built that way,” so I really will just hold out.  I will not just sleep with some girl to numb this pain, because that is not what I’m looking for either.

I want to find someone

1. Sexy
2. Funny
3. Smart
4. Who I see and just feel a chemical hit
5. Who truly wants to completely connect to me