Although really not that bad of a day yesterday, it was definitely not my favorite. And my son didn’t get much sleep so he was a holy terror. Cancellation of my friend’s son coming to dinner made him cry, so he tried to play with one of my best friend’s daughters, but they are very different, so I think last night he was a little bored. He also was in a very strange mood during the cookie decorating with his godmother and his “cousins,” so it was just an off day. We have those.
I went to bed at a decent hour and even did 20-minutes of cardio this morning. I explained to my son that tomorrow would be the only practice that I would miss of his because I need to get back on my weight lifting and he understood this morning saying, “Well, it’s not like you’d miss a game!” He gets it. He is a pretty cool kid. Now, I’m drinking coffee and reflecting.
I get that conflict is inevitable, but I don’t want to fight dirty. Name calling and bringing up old resentments that you never get over should not typify your fights though. Should we ever go to counseling, I’d like to start there. However, I must note that I have spent three-years kinda like this, because I’m sure that folks know that drunks fight just like that too. I just don’t want that in my love relationship.
I want someone who treats me well and when I aggravate her, she and I take space and then talk about it. I would prefer to know how long that space is, because in my last relationship it just seemed indefinite, and then I’d be waiting around and getting nervous and when I’d engage her in conversation she would either snap at me or attack. It sucked. I don’t want that again. I had read once in a marriage and family textbook that couples who fight well can do the long haul, so that’s what I want the next time around. I want to resolve conflicts. I will look through my old entries that I have kept since 2009 and see if that is normal for me. Have I always wanted to resolve conflicts well?
Right now in addition to really pounding homework, I need to work in counseling on what I should address and that is my need to manage feelings of rejection. I don’t know how long the haul will be, because I feel pretty sane. I’m not in the imbalanced dance that I was five-years ago even remotely. However, I am on the track of self-improvement, so I would like to work on what came up for me this time around so I can go into my next venture, or go to counseling with my ex with an idea of what will help me move forward.