I’m looking for something that will sustain, so probably by it’s very true that I need to just slow down and be. Right now it’s just sitting in my grief and pain, because I didn’t do that this summer, so I can get the contrast. What I did this summer is feel completely rejected, because she withdraws when she has a lot on her mind–probably because she has had to do it to survive–and then when I would not respect it and then engage her in conversation, I would get attacked, so I avoided her because I knew we’d just fight. And God, does she fight mean. It’s funny because she didn’t even get that this summer while we were separated. She left me a HeyTell this week that said, “So, I did the breaking up January through April, and then you did from May on?” Nope.
It is true that now I’m in this rejected space, but what is different now is that I’m going to sit here and feel bad because I don’t feel the need to numb this pain. Staying in it will help me come through it when I have healed. I’m not imbalanced like I was at the end of 2007, so I can just feel sad. I can also address why I feel so rejected when she takes what she calls emotional distance. I don’t like being shut out, and I know exactly where that comes from and it will take specific and hard work to get through it. That is my stuff though. I almost feel like I have to be even stronger and more solid to be her partner. I’m a tough one too, but for her, you’d have to be even tougher and completely grounded.
In terms of this summer, when I kicked her out of her own bed because of how badly I had pissed her off, I just bailed. I definitely regretted it, and did even more so when she sent me pictures of her and her son saying that I probably felt badly because I didn’t make the right decision. The decision was not wrong, but I do regret that after our first time that we saw each other and our subsequent date not simply staying with being numb. Instead I numbed my pain by hooking up with a semi-friend, which didn’t help and I couldn’t get anything out of it with exception of all those crazy things that you do when it’s like a one night stand from a Prince song. I kept sleeping with her because I told myself, “The damage is done. Might as well keep doing it.” The thing is that although some reciprocity got better, I realized how fundamentally incompatible we were and that is because that true connection is rare or it simply takes time to build. You can’t speed it up, it either is there, or you have to spend time together to watch it grow so it will sustain. With my summer quick fling, there wasn’t much there and she wasn’t a person whom I can respect much. It was like the Cameron Crowe line, “a warm body to cushion the fall.”
Now, I want to be alone. I want to work so I can have my school stuff done by December with the exception of my hours of family work that I have to complete. Of course I will also do some good parenting stuff, and he is such a challenge that I need to do some preventative stuff (AGAIN) at this juncture, but that is something that I have also been doing on my own for five years, so I get that. I also get how to be alone, but I’m unsure if I get what it’s like for me when I’m truly alone. The first time was when I was 14. The second time was when I was 23. The next time was when I was 33. Now at 38, I am not as solitary as I was previously because I’m an adult and raising a kid, but have no plans to chase any girls (Again, those damn introverts!) because I simply will not numb my pain. There is a chance; although, it is very slim that I will meet someone who is interesting, but what I will do is say to her, “Listen, I am still very much in the throes of being in love with my ex, so we can hang out a little, but I am making a promise to myself to be conscious of not just falling into some arms because at present they don’t reject me.”