Coming Out

So, it has been five-years for me…  But, that was just to make it official.  Having thought that I was supposed to have been born a boy, I just did masculine things like rough play, action figures, and bike stunts.  However, if you look at me when I was younger I look like my son with dark coloring, so it is not a surprise that I came out, but it’s very odd that I did when I did.  Honestly, I went around with my shirt off and only played with boys.  Later in 5th and 6th grade, I had some friends who were girls and then the awkwardness ensued.  I remember being aroused sitting in one girl’s house when I was about twelve, and middle school slumber parties were agony and hell.

I had sex with a girl first when I was 15.  I was with her off and on–she was off sometimes with boyfriends–but I didn’t even kiss a boy until college.  And it was weird.  I think that I’ve kissed three boys, and I don’t think that they kiss worth shit actually.  (I do know that it’s just that lack of chemistry which I have with males.)  My first girlfriend, meaning the one that I had all through hs, was mentally ill though and actually wound up in a mental hospital during what would have been our sophomore year of college.

Then, there was my college roommate.  Hot.  To be honest, I still can look at her eyes in pictures and see what I saw then.  She always had to get next to me.  The distance would get smaller and smaller.  After about three-months, we cuddled.  Then the following year, we would sleep together, but nothing physical happened beyond holding each other tight.  It was nice, but chaste.  It was not until the following fall that I was laying next to her in bed, like I usually did, but then I undressed her.  I can still remember that night, which is funny, because I have no memories that are sexual from my first girlfriend.  I remember with terror when she told me, “You know, this is the second time that this has happened to you, so did you ever consider that you are a lesbian?”  NOPE.

I so wanted to be “normal,” and never dealt with it.  I had an eleven-year relationship with a man.  We even have a kid together and we are amiable enough.

I touched her hand in 2005 and thought, “Boy, do I have to avoid you!” which I did, successfully, for over two-years, but when my boss transferred me, it was unbearable.  Also, she is a shameless flirt!  I am really taken with those damn Geminis, although they are bad for me.  (She has a Moon in Gemini, and my lost love has an Ascendant in it.)  After about a month, we were lingering at Happy Hour after everyone had gone.  She came out to me finally.  Then we met once for a drink on the weekend and I told her, “I have had sex with a woman,” and she said, “You have?!?”  I didn’t tell her two relationships, but I did tell her all about my college girlfriend.  About this time five-years ago, we made out on her couch for two-hours.  I can remember her kisses and a few things that she taught me about sex; although, there were certainly things in my skillset as I had been with women for about 5.5 years prior to her, but she was my first lesbian.

Now, here I am…  I’m 38-years-old.  I have been out for five-years with everyone, and I believe this year marks the crossover to more years with girls than my only male stint that I will ever have.  I know people are attracted to the person, but hell no, not I.  I’m attracted to their smells, their skin, the swell of their hips, their eyes, the way they kiss and then all of the sexual aspects of  women.  That’s me.  I’m a lesbian and just over five-years ago while making lists of who I had told, and who I needed to know was getting very small.  Now there are never tears and it’s rare to even be asked, because I know, don’t have to broadcast, and have worked through internalized homophobia.  I’m gay.

2 thoughts on “Coming Out

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