So, I’m selfish and negative and can’t be light, but who won’t stop communicating with me? I wanted to punch her in the face tonight for e-mailing. The worse thing is that now I owe a good friend a microbrew tour. I thought that she’d respect it, but I was wrong. She doesn’t know my schedule anymore or she doesn’t realize that she had a Monday, but she only managed 5-days. Better get used to it, _____, because I will send you a birthday card. That’s it.
I think that probably this action can be construed as competition, but it is more that I don’t want to give mixed messages. Completely cooling our contact until the end of summer will mean that for me, and I’m hoping to be rid of the toxicity by then so I can move forward completely.
I actually–shameful–missed the drunk on Sunday and a little today, but I realized that it was not, in fact, her who I missed, but it was rather that I missed how seamlessly we got along when she wasn’t craving or just over the line with one too many swallows. Except for days at a time, which would turn to my talking to a stone or getting lashed out at, my most recent ex and I did not have times like this consistently. In fact, those times sustained eventually stopped after the New Year. It was waiting for the guillotine.
I’m looking for consistent. I’m looking for balance. I will not do anything that throws me off center or involves toxicity. I’m done with this chapter and incredulous that she and I will ever be anything but two people who were once deeply and madly in love, but could not make a relationship work. And I really don’t need anymore friends.