I have had two very low days. I have been very sick again too, which is getting very old and work has been a complete hell for two days. I can blame just the latter on the full moon. I’m thinking that at this stage, I will start to feel some pain, and I think that I am. Part of me gets like Missy Higgins lyrics at times as well. “I’m a little tired of feeling like the bad fruit nobody buys.” I know that I will be fine on my own and without a partner, but it does get old. Very old. Having not tired of single parenting to the degree that I would be with someone who says awful things to me and thinks of me in disrespectful terms, I won’t respond to her or do I want her back per se, but I do feel a bit hollow.
I think that it is honestly time for me to embrace this part of my journey anyway. I should reflect on everything that I learned from this seven-month relationship. In fact, I think that before I go to bed, I’ll read one actual handwritten journal entry that I completed and then I will reflect on what I learned and how I have evolved. I know what I’m looking for and most of it still entails compromise.
Unsettling to me is that both of these last two women (3-years of my life) have been control freaks. I don’t want that aspect, but rather want to be with a woman who talks through things with me. I think that I backslid with my last one, actually. The drunk did want to do what was right for all parties, but she couldn’t. My last ex thought that she had all the answers. I’m fine with learning and discovering. I think now it’s time for me to learn and discover what I have gathered from my last relationship so I can heal.