Looking for difference

So, she had texted and HeyTell’ed in the morning, and while I responded she figured that since I was unable to sleep after we talked for two-hours the night before, that I would want nothing to do with her.  I think that a major difference between she and I is that she goes with a particular and makes all kinds of assessments based on it and then quickly derives a decision.  I might do that with shoes, a dress, or even my bike, but I don’t do that in any other area of my life.  I knew when I woke up that I was still in love with her.

So, I called her and we talked all the way into my work and then I sat in my parking lot for another 45-minutes.  I won’t lie and say that the convo was without tension.  She really came unhinged when I told her that I talked to a girl and got her number.  (Later she did realize that reaction was strange as we were completely broken up, and she apologized.)  Again, because I’m writing I must be honest.  I liked that she was still so very much in love with me, and that she missed me so desperately.  Later she admitted this in  a raw and naked e-mail.

I went back to saying that we could not share space because it would be sexual.  She e-mailed that maybe there wasn’t anything wrong with that, but that we had to consider things.  I had completely accepted her apology and continued to think about what had happened to three sisters who I know when they lost their mother.  It is just not normal to loose your mother or father until you are in your 40s or 50s and if it happens when you are young, you do some things that are uncharacteristic afterward and most especially within those first few weeks of shock.  Could it be that she was right when she had told me Sunday night that she really is that person who I fell in love with last fall?  Could the first few months of this year be truly colored by grief and then our mutually-fed fervor of future?  The latter should just organically work out after a year or so, right?

God, I did want her.  There is an intimacy that we share that borders on something that is pure and is otherworldly.  I had e-mailed her yesterday about our lovemaking–I will point out was after Monday–which borders on transcendence.  And it does.  She is on business this week, but didn’t fly out until yesterday morning, so she said that she could meet me at my house Monday afternoon.  I took two hours of sick leave and held her for a long, long time in my livingroom.  I could feel her muscles under her thin and soft leather jacket and after a long period, I kissed her neck and found her mouth.  That level of passion is like nothing.  I used to think that things like that were bullshit made up for media (movies, songs, etc.), but with her it is a derivative of our connection.  We had about an hour and used it well.

Now, she is not here, but we have gone back to contact.  But, she’s different.  There is no jealousy and resentment.  I think that we can get something new that is not spurned on by what we’d like five-years from now.  Immediacy is the only area in which we can operate.  I will certainly honor that and do believe that with distance it is hard not to hurt, but the trade-off is passionate love.  Who can really say that they have that?

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