I can’t handle you

I told her, “I can’t handle you.”  I have had a lot of physical intimacy; although by these days standards I have not had many partners, but I had never had sex like what it was like with her.  That is intimidating, but I’m fairly arrogant, so I decided after the third date with this particular addition of intimacy that I would let all my inhibitions and fears go, so I did.  It became what was novel for both of us and could be completely raw, but also could be tender.  All of it was completely passionate and evoked with Naomi Wolf writes about when she talks about convenience versus passion that her father a professor purports should be paramount in relationship.

Ours was and we could both feel it consuming us.  I guess that if I’m being honest, that I felt in the back of mind that it could be entropy.  I didn’t want that.  So, I tried to show up as loving as I could.  I didn’t want to leave everything to chance when I had the guts to admit that I had fallen in love during the freezing rain that morning after our long date and my caravanning back home with her.  I wanted to ensure that we had some foundation.  I realize how hard this process can be when you are already midway into a very hot love affair, but we had such a connection via cyberspace that I wanted that to continue.

I think that it is really that you are in the process of teaching each other what you want and how you communicate.  I also believe in listing mentally or in writing the list of pros and cons.  And when the pros go off the page completely, that is the relationship that you want and will hold onto even when you are having an impasse.  She and I need to develop an understanding and some ground rules even when we are busy regarding how to communicate and ask each other questions while fully listening and not filling in any blanks.  Progress is listening with an open heart.

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