We of course continued our fervent e-mailing, which was now punctuated with calls and texts.  I will be the first to admit that it was obsessive and consuming.  I had not felt remotely like this in four-years, and the thing was that we had simply made out and not gotten physical.  She knows women for about 6-months before the deed.  I was working an angle for splitting the difference.  I was falling fast, and I have never done that.  I always let things grow organically and don’t force anything.  I wanted her and knew that she was one of a kind for real.  Never have been exposed to a woman like her, and don’t think that I ever will be.

Two of my friends were really concerned.  I had been a wreck of a person for nearly a year in 2008, and they were freaking out somewhat.  Here is what happened for me at that time:

“So, we texted a little bit that night, and I didn’t sleep at all.  Nary a wink for a night, which would be what the next four months would mostly be like for my sleep, which also meant that although I had already lost 19-pounds that fall that I would loose another 8 and you’d be able to count the ribs in my back.  I was only able to sleep in four hour stretches from that point forward until spring came” (me, 2010, written about 12/2007).

My friends didn’t want to see that girl again.  This woman who I had fallen in love with from afar and avoided like the plague for over 2-years consumed a fall and part of winter for me in terms of an affair.  The aftermath was worse than that song by Tricky.  Of course, our fling and what would become of my coming out affair was inevitable.  When she freaked, we had an odd month, and started the following New Year as distant as the sides of a canyon.  So, two of my friends were wigging somewhat because I was falling quickly.  This situation was so different though; although, I had a recent break-up.  That one was eight-months in the making though, and I was glad to be completely freed of her.

My new love had some entanglements too.  A recent partnership had broken up and not been physical at all for just two months, and she had a week-long fling with a woman who fell for her.  Learning about the latter freaked me out, and then those feelings combined with my friends’ concerns, resulted in my sending a casual, slow down e-mail.  It was a sucky thing to do when everything else had been so hot–the texts and e-mails.  It put the halt on “us” and really fucked things up.  It has veiled all as well.  You can’t take back what you write or say.  Accountability can bite when you fuck up.

It took us two days to get partially on track.  I say partially, because when you do that stop-start thing, you really can alter your course even with your one.  We decided to keep our original date, but there was some hesitation throughout the night.  Things got way better after we had a late dinner and went to a buddy’s restaurant for a glass of wine.  She let me hold her hand and had embraced me when she walked in with me.  We had a great talk in there and were much more loosened up overall.  When we went back out into the warm late fall night we held hands again and hers felt perfect in mine.  She opened my car door, and then she closed it.  We kissed and it got really hot.  The night almost ended and she took me back to my car in hers.  Then she looked at me and said, “Drive back with me?”  What a change of events and best end to my fuck up.