“If you have the last hands that I want to hold, then I know that I’ve got to let them go,” are pretty powerful lyrics.  I get it too.  It’s funny how after you date for awhile that you start to understand your patterns better.  I got pretty thrown off and caught up here, but I got the whole slow it down e-mail, which coupled with the disagreements is not boding well for me and my feelings of safety.  I trust her, but I don’t feel secure right now, and will have to see what these next two months feel like.  I have always held that it takes as Proulx writes, “a full turn of the calendar” to actually get to know another person.  Although she was writing about grief, it holds true with relationship too.  Here is what I used to think and some of it has changed, but only in slight:

“Honestly, I think that people force compatibility.  They have an idea of what they are looking for, and then put all of that into the person who they are dating.  They don’t see the whole person, or acknowledge what can be intuited, but instead ignore what they really are feeling.  I believe that many times it is because they fear being alone.  Often, they wind up living together without truly seeing who the other person is or just observing him or her and taking note of what kind of person is in front of them.” (me, 2009)

The thing that has really altered for me is that I really DO know what I’m looking for.  I want stability, and I want to matter and be treated well, I want to be thanked for the little things that I do and not be taken for granted, I want passion, I want time outdoors…  And, I want another child.  That’s the whole thing that can kinda screw me up and take me off balance at times.  I need to acknowledge that in myself and realize that I’ll never be a Buddhist because I really do have wants and desires.  I’m not as detached as I try to be.

So, what am I going to do now?  I’ll just be less fervent with contact.  We are both pretty busy and honestly, if I’m just one of the pack in a busy life, that won’t be enough for me.  The funny thing is that I love my friends and do anything for many of them, but during the week, I just chill with my son and keep up with them as needed.  I had a traditional dinner party last night and it was fun.  I like the  laughter and convo in my kitchen and love to cook.  I want to do some stuff like that, but only every other month.  Although I am a classic extrovert, I did learn one more lesson besides letting things go, and loving water from my last relationship.  I learned that silence is really golden and slowing down and being simply mindful when you can has it’s virtues.  Right now I’m hardly in a space of a quiet mind, but I am writing and expressing before my long day gets rolling.  It helps me to frame where I am and where I want to go.

I want us to work, but I don’t know if she’s in for the long haul.  We are both passionate, but I don’t feel like I meet her needs and can’t do that for very long.  I like to be good at what I do.  Plus, I think that I’m a great catch.  I don’t know which way it will turn out, but I can tell you that I’m intuitive and she is watching me with great skepticism right now.  That’s ok, I’m an observer too, and some of my observations have lead me to wonder if I can be perfect for her.  Perhaps no.  I’m ok with that too.  We shall see.  Tristan Prettyman says, “I’m not surprised that you still call, I’m more surprised that I don’t answer.”  I guess we all have surprises in ourselves that connections with others tend to reveal.