Wow. I have never, ever, had lovemaking anything like this or have I been completely looked through by a woman. She knows where I am and it overwhelms me; although, she is more likely to accuse me of being “sappy,” when I get emotional, because what she wants is only immediacy, except when we are in the the throws of passion and she tells me that it better be her that it’s like this with and it sure as hell is! I’m pretty sure that I’m going to get my heart broken. Dashed, slammed, ripped out and served to no one in particular, because mine is hers when she didn’t even ask for it.
So, what will I get? Dating for awhile until she completely breaks up with me and waiting for that noose whose hangman I tempted when I was sure that she was in love with another girl and completely enmeshed with another who still needed her although she has a new relationship with an unlikely character. I was terrified of what I had done. I had fallen in love with a woman who I didn’t even know. I had made out with her and wanted so much more, as we shared dreams and visions. We are so compatible. I think that it’s time that I work through what she says is my ultimate untrustworthy act. I’m going to, but I think it’s a safe place to go back to, because she can say that I did it all and did not include her in my thinking, which while true, she has told me since then that I’m her one, she wants me to be hers, and that we have it. Until just before the holidays when she got re-triggered and now she ALWAYS goes back to an early fall exchange. Ultimately, she gets triggered now, and then she references this dark place because she knows it and it’s safe in a way. She can control the trajectory and say that it’s because of what I did.
Here goes. Been waiting too long. Have a microbrew and I need to do it now or I’ll chicken out again.
So I did it, and frankly it FREAKED me out. The phrase is not in the exchanges. It’s simply not there. There is also an e-mail in which I explained that I didn’t withdraw, but rather was protecting my heart. Then there are exchanges after that in which she concedes that I was just protecting myself and she is in that mode now too. So, why would she go back there if it was sorted and I never really said it anyway? Last night I was reeling in hurt and anger. So, I went out and had some laughs. I reread page, after page of e-mails, and was baffled before I went to bed late last night.
I’m sorry, but I slept on it–which I’m so proud that I did, but if we can’t put it to rest particularly when the phrases is not in the exchanges and then I explained where I was emotionally, which at that point was accepted, then I can’t do this right now. I just can’t. Yesterday when I left, I felt like my soul got ripped out when she said that we don’t have to have any heavy discussions or figure out forever. Ouch. Especially after the passionate exchanges. Too much back and forth, and I can’t navigate it. I could totally do this type of casual stuff with an FB, but I cannot do it with my one. I’m going to listen to that Ingrid Michaelson song again.