Post Holiday Blues

I’m soooo tired.  Of course, my gf is a badass and I wanted to work out with her, so I did late morning, but I can feel lots of things hurting and am fatigued.  I also rode my bike to the Post Office, which was difficult given the snow that has not melted or is rather in a state of mixed slush and powder.  I get in this malaise-ridden state anyway when we part and don’t have concrete plans for several days.  I just miss her, but know that we need to ride this journey for a full turn of the calendar.  I don’t think that it should be sooner than that, because it does take a year to know someone completely; although, I do consent that new things come up given the tumultuous nature of life in general.  This quote is what I used to believe about love:

“How the hell would you know anything that you are doing with another person, except for having good sex or something, until tons of time passes?  You would not even be able to tell if you are compatible for a relationship!” (me, 2009).

I also believed some very odd things about relationships:

“A level of trust exists when I do sleep with someone.  I am detaching from intensity in emotion and recognizing when I am triggered by a girl’s actions or words.  I acknowledge it, don’t judge it, and then make space for it.  I’m not sure if long-term relationships work for me, or if it is in my path to have one.” (me, 2009).

You can know a lot about a person in addition to great sex immediately when you have a connection, but the thing is that level of connection IS intense.  There is not a way to detach from those types of emotions and you will be triggered.  I think that it is the whole thing with still letting time pass.  I’m afraid that is all that I have retained from my old ideas about love and relationship.

I can tell myself, too, some lessons that my four-years of dating has yielded.  They are 1) You can have a thunderbolt that is not lust, 2) you can find someone who wants the same things that you do, 3) you can feel some compatibility if you are open to watching and listening with your whole heart, and 4) you never do know your path, but saying that you are not cut out for a long-term relationship will limit your journey.

I actually just said that through my friends and new connections that my partner would grow.  Never expected to meet her the day after I went back to church, but I did.  I am cut out for a long-term relationship, but I have to do lots of work before I can show up as I am meant to and have a partner.  Right now, I just want to keep on keeping on with my girlfriend.

Again, I’m tired.  Bone tired.  I have the ability to work on neglected things in my house for 10-hours tomorrow.  So, I’m going to proofread, publish, finish this wonderful microbrew, and then start my work on “The Power of Two,” which in this case is not an Indigo Girls song, but is rather a book that I know will help me on my path.  I think tomorrow I will begin to tell my love story.

One thought on “Post Holiday Blues

  1. Erica Dezman says:

    Funny. I remember finally being content with the notion that I was building a full life for myself as a singleton when my husband came into my life and I was contented to build a life with him.

    I also remember running away to Europe for a summer in my early twenties. It was thrilling, tiring, exhilarating, scary, and amazing all at the same time. I rediscovered myself and fell in love.

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