Last fall I realized and made known to anyone who was talking to me about romance and relationship that I wanted never to mix finances or live with anyone. My divorce finalized a couple of weeks before my 48th birthday last fall. Then enter the climber who is poly and gender non-conforming and we had a fun outdoor climb. I started thinking is there a way to not be like her and live with people but be poly? I ran across this blog entry: https://holierthantao.com/2023/04/03/exploring-relationships-beyond-monogamy-the-rise-of-ethical-non-monogamy/

I nodded over and over as I read it, and then began some research. I read “The Polyamorists Next Door.” Here is a podcast that I found after I’d read a 10-year-old book: https://open.spotify.com/episode/3uHkvMlpKcHLK1ifvAZP9N?si=vYZc2JeRTqe_zciUTD5UEg

That was amazing for me. One of the people that Peter McGraw interviewed has had two “sweethearts” for years. Another woman interviewed has had a 6-month, year, and three-year relationship and has just started up with someone exciting who provides that which is referred to as “new relationship energy” (NRE) in the polyamorous world. A book comes out next winter and I’ll definitely read it.

Now, it’s time for me to go on more dates or spend more time with different women. I’m not sure how though to be completely honest via my incognito blog-diary. I think that I’ll join a group in May or June. I’m not a particularly social person. I do much better 1-1. I force myself to play kickball and bowl with strangers and now that our latter team has disbanded, I’m bowling with two colleagues and one of the colleague’s cousins on the gay league still. I also go to a guitar class each week, and don’t really like the social aspect. I just go to get better on the guitar. I’m trained as a psychologist; although, I never took the EPPP and did post-doc stuff in higher ed instead. (I would have had to taken it and passed it between the fall of 2014-2021 and never really studied much.) I mention that because people like to talk to me: a lot. I don’t love conversation unless it’s interesting.

When you’re a solo polyamorist you don’t personally have a primary relationship. There isn’t a triad or quad. I’ve done a vee and been in a dishonest quad. The former two-years after the divorce from my ex-husband and the latter in college, which really feels like a thousand years ago. What I didn’t like was the pressure in those. You have to follow through on things because the person that you’re with has other obligations at times, so you have to be available when the woman is.

I don’t want a primary relationship again. I don’t mind being on the side of some woman’s geometry, but don’t want to have to ask anyone who I can kiss. Additionally, when one reads NYT or the like what you’ll find are interviews of women who have two boyfriends. That isn’t me.

I also am independent and have a whole bunch of hobbies which my jobs get in the way of–especially in the spring. My health is so important to me. I like to sleep 7-10 hours, cook and eat really good food, and when I can’t cook I like to have a crispy apple, a can of albacore and an avocado. My sleep, nutrition and exercise were something that I compromised in both of my marriages. I’ll never do that again.

Solo polyamorous people don’t have a most significant other and their primary relationship is with themselves. I am a great date. I concentrate on that person completely, don’t use or even check my phone, and am an impeccable listener who asks good questions and can remember with uncanny detail what women tell me. I am a great friend. I cook for new mothers weekly, I drop off meals for women who have lost a family member, I coordinate details and make food for birthday parties, I call often friends who are going through difficult times. These, the romantic, and the platonic efforts, all come from me and I don’t have any expectation for anything in return. I love others all the time.

Here I am. My best friend is married and has two different jobs and various employees. I would say that all of my long-term friends, as defined as a minimum of 20-years, are either married or in longer term monogamous relationships. These folks are busy with work and other things. They’re also all: straight. I think that I need to have intentional new friendships and I think that I need to have poly role-models. There are certainly things that I don’t ever want to do: live with someone, give money to someone, put all of my love into one woman, or be in large groups for hours. I wonder what is next for me this spring and summer?