In the enneagram, SP, means self-preservation. That is my third variant. I am the Sexual variant, which means that I do best 1-1 and that is how I extend myself into the environment. Here I am referring to being Solo Poly (SP).
I am Solo Poly.
To me, it means that I am independent and autonomous.
In it’s form for my execution it also means that I am at my best when I am living alone, not blending any finances and meeting all of my own needs.
Being solo poly impacts desires though, and I’ll get to that.
I’ve been seeing my girlfriend a little over three-months and I’ve known her about six.
We ate barbeque together on the 16th last month. She’d driven over and we hung out here and then we went out to dinner. She was going to pull out of the driveway that night so I could drive. I asked if she could just drive to the restaurant as it wasn’t far and she said, “I probably shouldn’t go anywhere that I’ve never been to before without my glasses. I’ll just pull out to the street.”
I asked her if it would be ok if I drove her car. She said of course. I said, “I’ve never driven a girlfriend’s car. I drove my ex-wife’s four different cars that she had when we were together a handful of times, but it’s not a thing that I normally do.”
She said, “Does that mean that we’re getting married?”
I felt taken aback. Then I flushed. I gathered myself and said, “I would highly doubt that I would ever get married again.” I was proud of myself.
She said something that I couldn’t hear because she was shutting her own door–I usually do that for her–and I wasn’t sure what she’d added.
When I got in her car and figured out how to start it, I said, “What had you said last?” And she said, “The plan is to get you to change your mind.”
I didn’t say anything. I was proud of myself.
I don’t ever want to remarry. If I was really sick, I would have to have somebody here with me in my house. I don’t want that person to be a significant other. I’d prefer to pay someone and empty my office so there were two extra bedrooms upstairs and that person could live here with their family rent free and earn a salary.
I don’t even like having my son here who’s had my laundry basket filled for two-weeks and trashes out everything that he touches or is around.
I’m troubled by too much time with any human and need recharge.
There are way too many animals here. With the hours that I work, I sometimes live in a gross fur palace.
I’m at my best with others when I’ve had solo time. I am solo poly.
The plan is to write about this topic in installments, so stay tuned.
How do you do romantic and intimate relationships? Have you always done them the same way? Do you think that traditional marriages work for the majority of people?
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I think marriages of any sort require work. If all partners don’t work at it it won’t work
So true. In my experience growing apart is common. My life has borne witness to my friends, and me too, going through seasons of divorce
I read a stat a few years ago. For people who get married for reasons like they grew apart, irreconcilable differences etc (not abusive marriages) 85% of those who got divorced regret it five years later. Growing apart is not necessarily reasons to separate a long term union. Rarely does a relationship see two people growing at the same pace and same way. Do you care about this person enough to work through the rough patches, because every single relationship has rough patches. If people bail every time they got a patch they will never be in a long term relationship
Yes, I care about her enough to work through rough patches. I don’t want to be married or live with her though because I am not at my best in the same house with a romantic partner.
Of course interpersonal growth is individual. The problem is often that when one partner is having a spurt of brain change, the other partner tends toward criticism. These behaviors are more pronounced when you’re with someone day in day out.
Pick your battles. It works in any relationship whether it be romantic, platonic, sibling, familial, work or neighbors. If you don’t learn to pick battles you can’t coexist
Also, I don’t think that traditional marriages are the best choice for lots of people. Even straight monogamous people.
https://www.brides.com/living-apart-together-5189895
Has to be an even number. If it’s 3, someone is going to feel left out. It’s human nature. Ask ant family with three kids how it worked out
I didn’t know that you had three kids… I thought that you had one.
I don’t. I mean in general. The most dysfunctional people I meet, for the most part, were from a family of three kids. Any group that has three components can be a hot bed for issues.
Gotcha. I was the oldest of two, but my sibling (younger brother) was killed when we were in an auto pedestrian accident.
I should do a literature review 🙂
My girlfriend is third of ten. She has three full brothers and six half siblings…
[…] had given her a ring for her birthday this summer. She had been putting pressure on me that now I understand resulted in a change to her having infrequent sexual types of contact […]