Tag Archives: Nightmare

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Nightmares

I started off my day having breakfast with one of my first cousins whom I’d not seen since 1997. I met her kids too, and they were so cool. I had to take my dog to the vet–she had a concerning lab result in her blood, and they’re running her blood through the lab again. I also had an appointment (telemedicine) for me because I’m having weird aches in my hips and can’t sleep very well given being perimenopausal. That appointment was great and the outcome will be part of subsequent entries as I trial out two meds. And then I went to a bowling team member’s house to cook meals that our other team member had ordered and couldn’t cook given the funeral back east for her paternal grandmother. We ate the meals with our friend who named our bowling team. I got a text showing the water cremation container and alter type of area in the family viewing area too for my former sister-in-law. It was a busy day.

I got to sleep around 10:30. However, I had weird nightmares and can only remember one with any detail this morning.

I’ve had nightmares most of my life. I had them as a child, adolescent, and young adult. During my second marriage they were less frequent.

I probably hadn’t had one this disturbing or memorable in 5-years or so.

The nightmare: I was helping my former in-laws in a house. My brother-in-law was in and out of the house and the last time he left he said that he was going elsewhere. I was changing in a bedroom and saw his face in the window and then he sauntered off. I went outside to confront him, had trouble finding him, and then found him by an out building under a tree. He said that he was playing music and there was a guitar and some whistles also outside. The latter were those that Pan or another mythical creature would play.

When I got back to the bedroom he was staring in again, and I screamed for him to leave. He stared me down, his eyes glowed white, and he put his large palm on the window and it glowed.

I think that it’s probably time for me to get back in talk therapy.

I read completely this summer “The Body Keeps the Score,” and found the chapters on yoga, theater, and art inspiring.

Moving traumatic memories through your body is efficacious and may be a better modality for people who’ve gone through events which were outside of their control.

I flirt around with learning to dance, recording audio content for books (I have a very nice speaking voice), and keeping up with my boxing.

However, I think that in addition to any new body centered practice, I better do some work with regards to this murder which I’m obviously processing.

My childhood was weird. I lost my brother in an accident that severely injured me. I have atrophy on my lower left side due to that accident. My parents never picked up the pieces of losing my brother and I probably haven’t either. My Dad was emotionally and physically abusive. My son was very difficult to raise, and he’s not raised yet. My ex-wife was the love of my life. She has massive health problems and is now partnered in an unconventional situation with a man. I think that is a good idea for her for a variety of reasons and she hadn’t been with a man since 8-10th grade.

Anyway, I have memories and experiences that are likely stuck in my body. I need to approach making sense of experiences so I’m not carrying the weight of them.

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Healthy versus Unhealthy

There is a picture of a radish on a blog that I read, and I also have some Asian radishes that I need to finish in my refrigerator. Has anyone seen “Living on One Dollar?” Growing radishes is featured in that documentary, which is quite good. A study of participants trying to complete an impossible tracing task involved chocolate chip cookies and radishes is featured in a small video from Fast Company (the Heath brothers). Are radishes healthy?

I’m sometimes not. I get obsessed with sports and pretend that I can play them with giant men. Thus, a blown quad. Enter currently the still healing pinky. It’s called denying your own limitations. It’s part of the unhealthy realm of the 8 as measured by the Enneagram. Eights at their worse can self-destruct because although they’re a body type who are physical; they tend toward pushing their bodies. I have been thinking about watching the climber fall asleep in a meeting, falling asleep in my car on the commute home, how grouchy she can respond to people when she’s obviously tired. The latter likely has to do with being woken up when you’re going to finally get rapid eye movement which you need for health. It’s scary that she put her car in park while driving down a street and fell asleep at the wheel. Denial. I deny that I’ll be 49 in September and get joy out of how well I pitch in kickball. The climber denies a need for sleep. Eights are given to excess and denial when they’re behaving unhealthy.

I had quite the nightmare. After my son gets out of the shower whilst playing music that I listened to in high school, but from his district-provided laptop, I’ll tell him about it. A bookkeeper who I know called me and said, “Your boy didn’t go to his final today. He’s left the building.” His Dad called me and said that he picked him up near one of the highways and that right before he was to take a final for Spanish that a friend said that he should enroll in a high school GED program. I asked why and told my son that he doesn’t need a full program having passed all the practice tests, and he couldn’t give me a straight answer that made sense. Yikes. Terrifying. And unhealthy. How do we all stay healthy?

Image by Stefan Keller from Pixabay