Monthly Archives: July 2024

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Life and Death

At the beginning of May I got a text from my aunt who lived at my parents’ house April of 2020 through mid-December of 2021 which said that my Mom’s only brother’s wife (my Aunt by marriage) had Stage 4 Brain and Lung Cancer and wouldn’t be seeking treatment. In the text it said that I was only to go through her and not anyone else. That felt weird so I said that I would send a message to my other cousin through FB because I had communication with her there and she freaked out. I get it. She’s 70 and thinks that people can read private messages.

I called her and she was so upset that she spent most of our conversation yelling at me. That’s about her and isn’t about me. She’s about the same right now and really negative so I’m not talking to her or communicating with her much. I never had noticed how much unsolicited advice that she gives either until this time.

She called me Saturday afternoon and I was in a coffee shop.

I was at a coffee shop because my house is still tented, plastic is everywhere and the rooms are either barren or have odd things around such as ladders, equipment and I don’t have faces on many of my cabinets as repainting those is a whole 3-day process that the project manager has described as “tedious.” I was taking space from this disorder in a local coffee shop.

When my Aunt called I said, “Hi, I’m in a coffee shop and I’ll have to go outside,” and then when I walked outside and put my cell back to my ear she was still talking. She then said, “I’m not sure that I’m supposed to tell you but Aunt _______ passed away this afternoon,” and I said, “Thank you for letting me know, I’ll text ________.” She told me don’t call until tomorrow. I said, “Ok, thanks for letting me know.” She talked about my not calling or getting into contact with my cousins today some more and I just listened to her prattle and didn’t say anything because she’s been on edge and prone to yelling. I know it’s stress, but I can avoid being the recipient of her mismanagement of it.

I texted my cousin and she and I exchanged texts afternoon and evening on Saturday. My other cousin, who I recently had breakfast with when she was here for an appointment with her daughter, texted me too.

It’s going to be really rough, but I’ll drive approximately 5-hours  before the sun comes up on Thursday morning to attend my Aunt’s wake and funeral. I’m driving back around 1 pm or so because I don’t want to be away from my house or pets. Luckily, my neighbors are feeding (both meals) and tending to my pets a few times on Thursday.

I’m loyal to this Aunt. She has put flowers on my brother’s grave for years. This uncle, who is my Mom’s only brother and was married to my Aunt, drove my brother’s body to this area where my mother’s family was born and farmed. He got my brother’s body to the church and he’s buried near my Grandfather who I adored.

They’re good people and I’m proud to have them as my family.

When my mother died, my son, my then wife, the Aunt who took care of my parents’ house, my Uncle (mother’s brother) and my cousin and I conducted a short graveside service at my brother’s and grandfather’s grave for my parents. We spread ashes of my parents’ on those graves. Doves landed on the wires and sang songs. It was nice and simple.

I’m really glad to be there for this cousin on Thursday to be part of rituals for the loss of her mother. Sadly, her mother was my cousin’s self-described “person,” and from what I’ve gathered via text was her touchstone. This loss will be incredibly difficult for her. Like me, she has one brother, and I’ve not seen him in nearly 30-years. It will be nice to see him; although, that our connection is at his mother’s funeral is sad. His sister is a gem and wrote to my mother for years. There were times that my mother received her letters when she was in the facility too. Again, they’re wonderful family members.

Rituals for the dead are really for the living
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Threshold

I went to kickball last night and had a good time connecting with my team. I didn’t go play flip cup, because I don’t want to drink very much while I’m processing the murder in the acute stage. I also have my feelings with regards to not being in my previous family anymore.

I’ve gotten so many of my friends and also my family members to donate to the fund for her orphaned children that she leaves behind. I think that I’m doing as well as I possibly can with processing this event and what it means in my life given that I am not involved with my ex-wife’s family anymore. I’m feeling better with regards to this tragedy.

I’m not Zen about my house. How do people live in a house while it’s being painted without going over the edge?

It’s really hard to live with tented furniture that was limited anyway. I’d only left my bed, my dining area table, and the desk and it’s wires. Yesterday, because the floors were taped, plastic-covered and papered, I felt like I was living in “ET” when the hazmat scientists start to study the creature.

So, I had a lapse in judgement. I didn’t pay too much. Well, a bit.

I bruise easily. However, these are pretty bad. If I knew where my oral arnica was, I’d take it, but things are piled in linen closet and other places so most things are blocked, and I only know where my topical arnica is. I applied it, but I imagine that I’ll look bad for a week or so.

I’m reading “Where Men Win Glory,” and it’s great. Last night after kickball, feeding my pets, and walking my dogs I wanted to read in a chair. Not in my dining area, but in a chair. I wanted to get a fabric chair upstairs from the basement. I have a staircase and a baby gate that is retractable at the top of my stairs.

Best laid plans…

I got the ottoman for the chair upstairs fairly swiftly and slunk around the ladder, the staging area, and traipsed through the paper and plastic that my dogs and cats have dug up and moved around, but the chair that goes with my ottoman is an entirely different story.

I got it out of the hoarder piles and around my upturned loveseat and existing table in my basement. Recall if you’ve read previous entries that movers emptied my upstairs so my basement isn’t usable. It’s like a Jenga Tower which has fallen.

I moved the chair around stacks of boxes and such and then got it to the base of my staircase. I thought that inverted and pulling it up each stair was good. I got it up all the stairs. Then it got caught on one of the plastic hooks on my gate.

I needed a Phillips Head Screwdriver, but those were in the laundry room closet. All of my large storing and my laundry machines are downstairs. Downstairs was blocked.

I was sweating so badly. Although the chair is fabric, it was really difficult to get it back downstairs because plastic tenting kept attacking me in my stairwell. It would stick to me too or would trip me. I imprisoned my shoe under the chair and almost fell until I shimmied the shoe off under the chair. It was now 8:30 and I’d done cardio with my son, ran errands, kicked, ran and scored two runs in kickball. I was a sweaty and angry mess.

I texted my neighbors who are like family to me. They said that I could borrow a screwdriver. I got the clip off without breaking it. The screws were really long. I made a mental note to use my electric screwdriver when I was no longer blocked out of my basement and could get tools. I pushed the chair all the way back down and removed the gate clip and it was really hard.

I went back downstairs and realized that I would have to slide the chair sideways with the legs toward the banister. That worked until I had to hoist under it from the top of my stairs. Heaving and hoeing finally got it upstairs and I got it into the corner by my living room window and successfully avoiding buckets of paint and a ladder.

I still couldn’t read though.

Now, I had to screw back the gate clips. Well, the screwdriver was set to left. I unscrewed my work and nearly fell backward. Then it was too big for the screwhead. I got the other one that we have and discovered that the nut is missing to attach non-drill pieces. That was something that my son was famous for during his whole life. He would take things out of my tools and they wound up in the _______ chasm of loss. My drill isn’t usable as a screwdriver anymore and the other electric screwdriver is too big for very small screw heads.

Finally, I just screwed them in by hand enough so that the top of the gate was somewhat secure and read for an hour in the damn chair! I have the bruises to prove it.

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Healing

It’s been helpful to tell the story about my former sister-in-law’s murder to people who care about me or love me. I also completed an intake with my department’s employee assistance program last week and they’ve matched me with a therapist who can provide Eye Movement Reprocessing Desensitization (EMDR). I was able to sing with friends last night too, which was lovely.

EMDR uses techniques to engage both sides of your body with noise, light, your hands, etc. and the therapist has you talk about what happened and then you feel your feelings about the event or events. I know that sounds trite. “Feel your feelings.” However, people are more likely to numb with alcohol or drugs or play hours of video games. They also may sleep or read for hours shutting out the world instead of thinking about the event. Some people don’t remember the event at all!

In EMDR the therapist or clinician also takes about your safety and coping in initial sessions with resourcing for you. That way, if you’re really triggered about the event, you have something that you can rely on in the session and after the session is completed. I’m looking forward to it.

In another entry I’d written about the appeal that I have with theater, music, and movement for trauma treatment. Well, last night we had one of our singalongs that we do at my best friend’s house. My Boss came as well. We also had a man there with a thick accent that sounded like Arabic or was influenced by languages in the middle east. However, he said his name in Polish, so I’m not sure where he is from or how many languages he speaks. I would imagine it’s three or more.

He could play a box drum and later in the night he played a tambourine. It was very cool. He didn’t sing and called himself a percussionist. We had two ukuleles as well. My best friend played two songs on the guitar, but mostly played her ukulele. I have no idea where my guitar is! I’ll be living like this in my house through Monday night because of the painting.

We sing by request from the group. I learned a new song that was in my head this morning when I woke up. It was sweet and fun.

There was this time when we were singing and playing “Greatest Love of All” that I started to cry a bit. No one noticed and I was able to quickly stop. I was thinking about in 2021 when my sister-in-law got out her guitar and was playing songs and her kids were sitting with her on the floor. My son was listening, and my wife was singing some. I didn’t sing, but was so impressed with her playing. She could remember without any music so many songs and then later she got out some music from her closet and sang more.

My brother-in-law was hovering and going in and out of the room. Finally he started complaining about “bedtime.” It was the only time that I heard my sister-in-law use a curt tone with him. She said that she didn’t know how many more songs that she would be playing, but it would be a few. He stomped off.

I’m looking forward to starting therapy on Tuesday. Music last night was healing too. I want to be functioning better than I am right now in two weeks. However, I am so lucky to have resources and friendships as I work through this event.

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Upgrades

Yesterday the cleaning woman came and washed walls and baseboards. I’m going to go back over a few areas with a carwash microfiber and rag soaked in alcohol after I walk the dogs. They paint and redo the cabinets today. The movers come back tomorrow.

I’m letting things go and moving things around.

Desk #1 belonged to my maternal grandfather. It has an ancient Co-Op Calendar taped in it from 1912. It was probably made in the late 1800s. It’s going in the spare bedroom.

Desk #2 belonged to my paternal grandmother. It has two drawers and one pullout desk. It’s probably from the 70s, but I like it. It’s going in my room for my clock. Yes, I like a digital clock and don’t sleep with my cell phone around me at all regardless of Airplane Mode.

The sofa table is going behind the long couch in front of the window. It used to be in my bedroom where Desk #2 is going.

Dresser #1 belonged to Indianapolis _____. He’s referred to this way because my son had a stepbrother figure with the same name for about 6-months. My ex-husband has had two serious girlfriends in 17-years. The former _____ moved, sadly, with his Moms when my son was two-and-a-half. His dresser remains and my ex-wife repainted it and it looks funky. I don’t want any dressers. It’s going to be donated.

Dresser #2 was my Mom’s. It’s cool. It’s made of heavy old wood and has three long drawers. I need to get it to the non-profit recycler, but don’t know how. I’m not sentimental. I do remember her having probably 20 plants on top of it when I was 19 all the way through when she went into a nursing home. Both my parents had green thumbs.

I will have a sundried tomato accent wall. It used to be a deep maroon, but I don’t have the special paint anymore, so it will be sundried tomato now and the hutch won’t go there anymore. It’s going across the living room to where the piano used to be. LA has the piano.

My former mother-in-law gave us an armoire. It’s red. I like it. I don’t like it near the dining area. It’s going in the kitchen across from the pantry. That will be a tight walkway, but I’m letting my hanging spice racks go and probably not rehanging the black floating shelves. After removing both the spice racks and the shelves, I realized that they never really stay clean and oil, spices and vinegar needs to be out of sight.

There is a five shelf particle board bookshelf outside for the city trash folks to pick up today. I am doing a professional book purge. I have two graduate degrees. The first one was 74 hours and the second one was 85 hours and terminated in a doctoral degree. I have a lot of professional books, but don’t use all of them. The said bookshelf also held test kits. I’m not sure what to do with those, but will likely go through my office closet and store them and a few books that I still reference for reports there. I don’t want anything in my office anymore with the exception of the crate for my ex-wife’s dog, and will put back up the window perch for my cats. I’ll still work at the desk here where the main modem is.

The headboard is going!

The daybed will be under the window that you see as you walk down the hall toward mine and the spare bedroom.

I’m starting to think that this house is mine. I won’t have any energy here with the exception of my own upstairs and then I can go through the basement and store my son’s things thoughtfully. This paint is a renewal.

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Hair

It’s everywhere. And, I have have hairy walls.

Yesterday the movers were here and basically emptied the upstairs. Even the echoing of my typing is wild in my office. An empty house is weird, and I should be used to things looking like this as I moved 13 times as a child. Unfortunately, in this room–my office–they’ll have to work around cords and get behind the desk which has been pushed away from the wall.

Downstairs is alarming. It looks like a hoarder’s paradise. The scheduler for the moving company said that her crews are Tetris experts, but it is really very strange. I can’t really walk in there and I don’t even want to get my cell phone charger this morning, but if I could slink around last night to put the cats to sleep, I can do anything! Part of me didn’t want to give the cats their Greenies and leave them down there last night to sleep. They were perfectly fine this morning.

I have to take hooks, anchors, picture hangers, the cat perch, the window perch and shelving that is wall mounted down after I blog and walk the dogs.

The hair is another story.

When the cleaning crew comes today to wash the ceilings and walls, I have to say that I’m properly embarrassed about all the pet hair. How long have corners and some parts of walls, where the hutch was for example, been this way? Who lives like this?

I told a friend on the phone yesterday that now I know why people travel when their house is getting painted. It’s a whole process. The movers came yesterday, the cleaning crew and cabinet crew come today, the house is painted on Thursday, and Friday the movers come back. It will be August 1st before art is hung and furniture is rearranged too. I don’t trust myself to do this process alone. I’m so glad that I have Brooklyn. She likes hanging art and is going to be brutally honest with me with regards to what I should get rid of and where furniture and the like should go. I’m looking forward to having a freshly painted house; although, the hair that I’d been living in is gross.

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Nightmares

I started off my day having breakfast with one of my first cousins whom I’d not seen since 1997. I met her kids too, and they were so cool. I had to take my dog to the vet–she had a concerning lab result in her blood, and they’re running her blood through the lab again. I also had an appointment (telemedicine) for me because I’m having weird aches in my hips and can’t sleep very well given being perimenopausal. That appointment was great and the outcome will be part of subsequent entries as I trial out two meds. And then I went to a bowling team member’s house to cook meals that our other team member had ordered and couldn’t cook given the funeral back east for her paternal grandmother. We ate the meals with our friend who named our bowling team. I got a text showing the water cremation container and alter type of area in the family viewing area too for my former sister-in-law. It was a busy day.

I got to sleep around 10:30. However, I had weird nightmares and can only remember one with any detail this morning.

I’ve had nightmares most of my life. I had them as a child, adolescent, and young adult. During my second marriage they were less frequent.

I probably hadn’t had one this disturbing or memorable in 5-years or so.

The nightmare: I was helping my former in-laws in a house. My brother-in-law was in and out of the house and the last time he left he said that he was going elsewhere. I was changing in a bedroom and saw his face in the window and then he sauntered off. I went outside to confront him, had trouble finding him, and then found him by an out building under a tree. He said that he was playing music and there was a guitar and some whistles also outside. The latter were those that Pan or another mythical creature would play.

When I got back to the bedroom he was staring in again, and I screamed for him to leave. He stared me down, his eyes glowed white, and he put his large palm on the window and it glowed.

I think that it’s probably time for me to get back in talk therapy.

I read completely this summer “The Body Keeps the Score,” and found the chapters on yoga, theater, and art inspiring.

Moving traumatic memories through your body is efficacious and may be a better modality for people who’ve gone through events which were outside of their control.

I flirt around with learning to dance, recording audio content for books (I have a very nice speaking voice), and keeping up with my boxing.

However, I think that in addition to any new body centered practice, I better do some work with regards to this murder which I’m obviously processing.

My childhood was weird. I lost my brother in an accident that severely injured me. I have atrophy on my lower left side due to that accident. My parents never picked up the pieces of losing my brother and I probably haven’t either. My Dad was emotionally and physically abusive. My son was very difficult to raise, and he’s not raised yet. My ex-wife was the love of my life. She has massive health problems and is now partnered in an unconventional situation with a man. I think that is a good idea for her for a variety of reasons and she hadn’t been with a man since 8-10th grade.

Anyway, I have memories and experiences that are likely stuck in my body. I need to approach making sense of experiences so I’m not carrying the weight of them.

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Single

I’ve been connecting with some women who are in my far away friends circle via phone. Our lives just don’t intertwine, and I’m personally more apt to make myself do things than I am to go hang out with people frequently. I don’t mind if there’s an activity, purpose or meal, but otherwise, I can’t just hang out.

There were times with my ex-wife’s family that I felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin just sitting around talking for hours. I would get up to take a walk, and often be asked what I was doing and then folks would say, “Wait a minute, I’m going to join you.” I guess that was mostly fine, because at least I was with people doing something.

I have a birthday twin. Except for both liking polysyllabic words and details, we couldn’t be more different. Come to think of it, I don’t know her moon or ascendant… Likely that explains some of our differences. Anyway, she was biking to her favorite coffee shop midway through last month and hit gravel. Unfortunately, she went over her handlebars. She broke her nose, had road rash on her face and broke her radius badly.

What do people who are single do when they have medical appointments?

Their friends take them to the appointments.

I’ve found too that friends are way less resentful about hustling for you when they don’t have to. A spouse has to be involved with you constantly according to societal norms. They’re also expected to take you to medical appointments when you’re injured.

I had a very strange week last week and talked to many people who I hadn’t really spoken with much in years. Some of them are newly single, some have almost always been single, and others are those who have been coupled with various people during the tenure of our friendship. It’s interesting to me that being coupled is the norm and being single is somehow seen as isolated or at the very least unconventional.

Do you have single friends? What is the percentage of your life that you’ve spent single since you graduated from high school? Are their drawbacks to having a live in partner or being married?

Image by Tú Anh from Pixabay
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Empty

TRIGGER WARNING

In 2021, we three went to visit my wife’s family. I said that we would be staying in a hotel room because although we were welcome at my mother-in-law’s, I had never liked my brother-in-law who also lived there at the time. He lived there on a small amount of rent, had the upstairs with his other three family members, and still bitched about my mother-in-law and her boyfriend all the time. My mother-in-law and her boyfriend, who owned that beautiful house, were doing much of the childcare and my mother-in-law also cooked the meals for all of six of them for over a year when their daughter was born. They already had one son.

It was mostly an ok trip until the last day before we were to begin our drive home.

We started out the day with my sister-in-law having to work; although we had a hike of a wild cave planned that morning. Because she worked in the solar industry, my son expressed interest in it and she took him to work with her. He helped her with some of the installation and learned a ton, and they listened to Nirvana and Pearl Jam, which blew his 15-year-old mind.

My wife and I did this incredible hike together while they were at the house installing some solar hook-ups. It was a nice way to wait for her to be done working. I was grateful that my sister-in-law took my son to work.

After she and my son were done with the installation, and they were heading back to pick us up at the trailhead where she’d dropped my wife and I off. We all went back to my mother-in-law’s to pick up her two kids for our exploration of a wild cave. Unfortunately, she got a call from the homeowner who said that her streaming service and internet was not working. My sister-in-law explained how to hook it up again, but they didn’t want to work on it. She ultimately had to go back all the way out to their house, so we were delayed to leave for our wild cave hike.

I was starving. I looked in the fridge and asked my mother-in-law if I could have two of the cooked eggs in there because she was making muffins for the road for my sister-in-law and us for our drive back. The kitchen was busy. My sister-in-law and her family were going to San Diego the next day for a few days, and as I’d said, we were beginning our drive back home that day as well.

They were special eggs. They were cooked and then cold water cooled. Not soft boiled, but not hard boiled either. They were my special-brother-in-law-eggs. My mother-in-law said that after she was done with the muffins she’d make two exactly how my brother-in-law liked them as he would be taking them to San Diego. She was making those muffins for us (her daughter’s family) and them (her other daughter’s family).

I ate two, and then we all sat around on our phones waiting for my sister-in-law to get back from the homeowners where she only had to turn on a switch.

My brother-in-law came home and said, “Oh, nice. Everybody is on their damn phones.”

I said, “I’m paying a new premium for my bundled car and home policy and had something time sensitive.”

And he scoffed.

I thought to myself, “Why should an adult have to explain what an adult is doing on a phone?”

Then the missing eggs were discovered. He said, “What the fuck!” He started slamming cabinet doors and said, “This kitchen is a mess!”

My mother-in-law said that after she was done with the muffins she was replacing those two eggs and told me that I could have them. I should point out that my sister and brother-in-law had chickens.

Then, the freakshow ensued. He was screaming and yelling and saying fuck more times than anyone could count.

I left and got in my wife’s car and went to Safeway. My mother in law called me when I was at Safeway and asked me to pick up vanilla ice cream for her cobbler. I bought that and the eggs and came back to the house.

My sister-in-law and my brother-in-law were arguing in the driveway. After awhile he came over the car where I was parked two houses away and he said, “I didn’t know everyone is so sensitive!”

I said, “______, you’re in the wrong. You flipped out over two eggs that would be replaced. They will be and I bought you a dozen new ones. He said, “Well, I’m sorry.” I said, “Ok, I hope that you have some rest when you get to San Diego.”

We explored the wild cave only us three.

Wild and scary cave.

I guess that my telling everyone that I was raised by someone who raged and flew off the handle all the time and wouldn’t be around it or that behavior ever again was a catalyst. Within a few weeks of that day they had a family meeting. Within a few months they would move back to their house that they owned. My mother-in-law still helped with her grandkids all the time. I’ll never forget her telling me that night when we had cobbler at our hotel, “That is between them. I don’t understand her choice in a spouse.”

The following winter they moved. They had to complete some renovations on their old home before settling back there with their two kids. They lived there about two-years.

He murdered her there last month.

I have cried off and on all day. I texted my ex-wife in the late afternoon. It said that my son said that he’d spoken with her. I asked if she was all talked out and said that if she wasn’t, I’d listen. I talked to her for well over two hours. I had not spoken to her in 25-months.

I feel empty, depleted, and I hope that narcissist rots in hell.

Left behind are two orphaned children. I can’t believe that my sister-in-law is gone. She was funny, active and took me on some wonderful hikes. She played Nintendo with me in my basement before she had her kids. She could play guitar and was always up for anything. I’ll never laugh with her again or go on an adventure. My son never had the opportunity to learn from her again.

I’ll leave you with one of the last texts that I received from her “I’m glad that I got to spend some time getting to know ___ a little more too when you guys came out. His interests remind me a lot of my teenage years too. 🙂 We’re moving out of this house in a few months so I’ll have a chance to look at some of my old stuff I saved. If I see anything he might like I’ll save it for him. 🤠”

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Holiday

I’m having such a better year so far. When I think back on my holiday weekend last year, I was depressed and lonely. I’m so glad to be two-years away from my divorce and am feeling connected closely to people. Sometimes when you’re married, you’re less connected to your friends when you’re not careful about how you invest your time.

Vacation versus work: I’ve been off of work one month tomorrow. The current class that I’m teaching requires me to only check email so far. I did teach once, but because the class was optional, only six students showed up (21 students). I’ll take it though, because last fall I had 26 students in the same class and my pay was messed up until October and my supervising professor somehow had an oversight and didn’t completely address the issue of my pay until January! So, collecting a nice paycheck for checking email this summer is completely fine by me. Things will go back to the work tunnel on August 9th. That class will ramp up too because students will be in sites.

Thursday: I went to a BBQ at the house of the woman who leads our women’s discussion group. I had a great time talking to her husband. I brought a tossed salad and grilled some corn kernels that I never would have eaten with scallions, granulated garlic and Mexican spices. I did it on the Weber, which is always fun. I got to know much better the woman’s husband and I also met her boyfriend. I had a nice time connecting at the party. I had to get home though before dark because my dog gets really scared with fireworks.

Cooking on my Weber for my 40th bday party (almost 10-years ago)

Friday: Yesterday we went to happy hour for some appetizers and then I was late to karaoke. I was embarrassed later, but had lost track of time. I was having a good time talking with LA, a woman from my bowling team, and the Realtor. It was really nice to see the latter. I’m glad that we are comfy around each other. I had a nice time and sang one song the best that I ever had. Singing and hanging out together is so nice.

Today I have to help LA get her car. It’s in front of my neighbor’s house. They’re like family to me, and I hope that they don’t mind having a car in front of their home. I had driven LA to the venue where we sang karaoke and then drove her all the way home. I’m going to pick her up and bring her to my house too. It’s the least that I can do, and she was gracious and came all the way to pick me up Christmas Eve when I was T-boned. I’d have been sitting alone in my house on that holiday without her.

This afternoon, I’m picking up my friend who I didn’t know if I was going to date to take her to my friend’s house for a little snack before we go to a drumming circle and band for an alternative 4th of July activity. My friend is just three-months younger than my friend that I just met for Happy Hour last month. This particular friend is married to a woman who is ten-years-older than her. So, I’ll be a junior for once. Last night, although LA is a year and some change older than me, I seemed like the eldest. And I was for the most part, because members of my kickball team who were at karaoke on time are 14 to 26-years younger than me! I’m grateful to have all of these plans with friends over this holiday weekend and think it’s interesting that I have friends of all different ages.

What are the ages of your closest friends? Do you have friends who span different age ranges? What did you do that was special for this holiday weekend with friends or family?

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Cozy

We had our first game last night on summer bowling league. Sadly, I averaged 117, but I do think that I can bring things up to 130 or more for averages next week. I love hanging out with these three women. We connect and encourage each other and laugh so hard.

I can’t remember the last time that I slept this well. I have just switched doctors and can see her on October 2nd when my super expensive insurance kicks in. I have been waking up once in the middle of the night for probably 6-months and am having other new and lovely middle aged things like a weird fanny pack below my navel, aching hips for no reason, and have had two times after exercising felt like I’m going to faint. I assume it’s time for a cocktail of progesterone and estrogen.

I woke up just before six and felt so cozy. So, I stayed in bed, slept another hour and had another dream cycle. It apparently finally rained down here. It had been raining the in mountains and not getting down here. It’s cool and partly cloudy.

I bought a domain yesterday and started playing with pages a tiny bit. I’ll finish the text draft of the book today too. I feel so rested and loved this cozy morning.

What can fuel your productivity? How do you best create?

by

Elders

The first time that I went to the women’s discussion group, I met my friend’s husband’s Mom. She attended it and when I found out who she was the next time that I attended group, I thought, “I can’t believe how supportive she is of her son and the life of him and his family members.” It’s one thing to support orientation and it’s quite another to sit in a group as an ally. She is very cool and she likes my salads, so she’s getting that on the 18th for group! She’ll be in town in a couple of weeks.

I was grateful that when my Dad died and my Mom wanted to get home, but was probably never going to get there, that her youngest sister stayed in their house. She visited my Mom every week too when my Mom was still in assisted living and was declining. I talked a lot with my aunt then. We used to go swimming together at my wife’s condo as a family and had her over for dinner several times too. My Mom’s last outing was at my house for Thanksgiving with my Aunt and my family. My wife had just gotten out of a short psychiatric placement the night before. I wouldn’t want to relive very many moments from 2014 forward.

I liked that my Aunt supported. I appreciated all that she did for my mother after my Dad died and always thanked her. She moved out of state at the end of 2021, and has visited a handful of times in 2022 and 2023. I don’t want her to visit me again.

Image by PublicDomainPictures from Pixabay

She asked how my son is and I was honest. He’s not working. He failed a class. He took a leave of absence from school and is restarting the program midway through next month. He can’t give me a straight answer with regards to how many clinical rotations he needs. He’s morbidly obese. His current gf is controlling and hasn’t been a good influence on him. I don’t see evidence of him trying to address his mental health.

I talk to my aunt once monthly on the phone. She is a link to my Mom. On Thursday, we spoke.

I told her that his father’s lease is up on Halloween and I don’t know if our son will have a driver’s license then and don’t think that he’ll be done with school. I told her that he can live with me in November and December and then has to move on.

She unloaded on me. She said that my ex-husband and I are enablers. She said that we are like her daughter’s friend’s parent’s who have 40-year-olds living at home.

With all due respect, I didn’t ask for advice.

You also sound really misinformed when you compare the brain of an 18-year-old to that of a 40-year-old.

My Aunt believes that because my son wasn’t out on his own when he was 17 and graduated that he won’t be different at 25.

I know that my aunt is 20-years older than me. However, she’s super critical and very religious and says things about people all the time. I know enough to realize that if people talk about others in a judgmental way that they’re also following suit with you.

My son will turn 19 at the end of January, and because he doesn’t have much motivation, he’ll have to learn lots of things through error because he can’t live with either one of us after December 31st. I don’t want him here because he doesn’t help, is always on his phone, and hasn’t learned how to contribute yet. He also has a tendency to yell or say demeaning things when he’s asked to help with something, or has to complete something that he didn’t want to do. His Dad is moving in with a gf which is very good because he hasn’t lived with me in almost 17-years. I don’t want to live with anyone. I also don’t want to engage with my aunt anymore. I’ll call her once in July.

I will have to see her face to face sometime soon. My Uncle, who is my Mom’s only brother, is losing his wife to cancer. She’s a non-biological aunt. She has a goal to die in August. I think that she has really rough days. I know that my Aunt helps them out a ton. She operates in a binary and has a dichotomy of saying “God’s plan,” all the time and then losing it other times. She has a tendency to bury strong emotion so it makes her critical, and frankly, explosive, at other times. I’ll have to see her at the funeral, and I’ll also have to find another house and pet sitter at that point too because my son will be with me.

How do you interact with elders in your family?