Brooklyn made me risotto last night and we hung out for 3-hours and drank a bottle of wine. I brought a nice salad and she had out bread. I don’t eat bread often and ate all of it and used a lot of her butter 🙂 A boyfriend, who is also from NY, and still lives there, is no longer a part of her life due to a breakup. I said that we should go to open mic and I will play some minor chords while she reads his texts in beat cadence. A good idea that.
McGraw (2024) discusses in his book how breakups can generally be designed. I think that this concept is much more than something like a prenup, given not only that it was written by a lifelong bachelor; but if you decide how much you talk or not after you break up there is less emotional tumult. McGraw (2024) also discusses building and designing generally with relationship.
I am a relationship anarchist. I don’t want to follow the rules of eventual cohabiting and blending finances ever again. I’ve certainly given that the college try as I have mostly lived with other people. I think that when July hits, this period of my life will be the longest stretch of solo living
Let’s see:
I moved out when I was almost 19
I lived in an apartment off of campus my sophomore year of college and my gf started staying there nearly every night
I lived in married student housing in my first round of graduate school for 10-months and then got married
I lived with my first spouse for 9-10 years (We were married for nine.)
I lived with my son for 17-years
I lived with my second spouse for 8-9 years (We were married for eight.)
I think that negotiation and communication are essential when you start a new friendship or romantic relationship. Even the latter is up for debate really. Some people wouldn’t consider several kisses in a row to be romantic. That is the stuff that needs to be communicated. Contact does too in terms of how much communication one wants. Moreover, breakups can be as intentional as the startup and don’t have to be a crash.
Last Sunday the CEO sent another follow request. Her new tiny avatar that you can see on your phone for Instagram was of her with her son. When she sent me a follow request a week ago it was just a picture of her. I sat down at this desktop and I went through all the steps for blocking and reporting her. Now, I don’t think that she can find me. I texted my friend who resulted in us being introduced and called her a Donald Trump Mummy. My friend said that she looks like Reba McIntyre. I prefer my assessment.
The coolest things about my ex-husband and my ex-wife is that they leave me alone. That’s super oversimplified, and I’m grateful for the chapters that I had with them both, but they get it. Breakups and divorces are the end of that time.
I’m permanently off the relationship escalator, which I know is much a function of making good money and being privileged. I can get hybrid life and long-term care insurance going for myself this spring. I don’t want breakups anymore. I don’t think that I have to have them because I’m being slow and steady. I like the idea of the relationship smorgasbord. I don’t like the podcast where I was exposed to it at all–the hosts are arrogant and a bit whiny. But, I like working through the smorgasbord talking with friends and am excited to do that with someone reciprocally who is a romantic interest. This concept had been recommended to me by Maryland and I found it on the podcast that I don’t listen to and had listened to a couple of episodes prior to this one.
I did karaoke with my group on Wednesday. Maryland’s primary partner was there and I talked to her quite a bit. She’s really cool. Also, my friend from the women’s discussion group showed up and I gave her a giant hug. She’s a gem. I adore her! She was there with a couple of men. I’m not sure if they’re her partners. Maryland showed up an hour later, and after everyone from the group connected with him, I gave him a very quick hug. He only said one thing to me that was slightly flirty and then I complained that I was initially the only woman here with the exception of his partner, and it was a scary sausage fest and I almost left.
That’s true. I walked in and the bar was lined with men, there were men playing shuffleboard and men at the tables. They stared me down. It was uncomfortable and I was grateful to have no make up on and be in jeans and t-shirt. He said bars like this appeal to that demographic. He went later to play shuffleboard and the queue was getting way too long to sing again, so I hugged folks I was sitting with, hugged Maryland’s partner, and went to my friend and shook one of her folk’s hand and gave her a big hug. I looked around and Maryland was elsewhere. I just told his partner to give him my best.
I bring these things up because you can define lots of elements that work for both people if you subscribe to the idea of the relationship smorgasbord. I would like to add more Communication to my dynamic with the Climber. I would like someday to add Romantic to my dynamic with the Realtor. I had a weird ping and a few fleeting moments with my bowling teammate and I’m interested to see what that was. I’m a slow processor and really on the fence. It’s all the smorgasbord for me.
Dinner was good and because we were the second group of people there on Saturday night, service was swift. The appetizers came out within typical timing and our food was maybe 20-minutes after that. The pacing was weird, because I didn’t get mine right away, but it was delicious and we weren’t there long–just over an hour. Then I took my son bowling. Bowling is soooo expensive outside of league. It’s ok.
For some reason, I got an extra $90 from the University this month, which always makes the alimony bite better when I see extra money. There are 3 payments left folks, and I have already written in the Exclusive Right to Sell Document on Thursday that some of the money goes in a cashier’s check. I’ll get the title company to send that to my ex-wife and then this chapter finally closes. I think that it will be about a year from when my divorce finalized.
We picked up Maryland at his house and had a nice ride up to the trailhead. We even got a parking spot which was shocking! I had never been up there in the spring. There were some really muddy areas from the brook that feeds out of the canyon and there was a really pretty flower just blooming. Google Lens wasn’t working because no one had signal.
Pretty mountain flower
I had packed turkey, Swiss, and romaine sandwiches for us all. Then my son wanted me to store his raincoat, so I told him to put it in my backpack with my water bladder and first aid stuff and he threw a sandwich on the trail and blamed me for not having it wrapped well in aluminum foil. I told him to pick it all up and had to keep telling him where pieces of it were and he got so pissed about me not wrapping food correctly–mind you it was securely in my backpack–that he charged ahead of us. That was fine.
Maryland and I had great conversation. He said, “So, you’re returning to polyamory.” I said, “I’m trying not to mess up. I had a quad that only the girl and I knew about in college and it was unethical. And then I was in a Vee in 2009-2010. In fact, she was the first person that I thought of when I got divorced. I texted her, ‘How are you? I’m divorced.’ But, she wound up being really sick so she had to stay in her marriage because her wife has good medical insurance.” I told him my ideal would be a couple of married women who had girlfriends as younger people and are in a long-term marriage and not doing well with bisexuality, so they’ve talked with their husbands about opening up. I told him that I don’t see myself as a threat to a man. I’m direct, authentic, open and would never want to break up a marriage. I just like having girlfriends. He told me that I’m the unicorn. He also told me to get on an app. That won’t happen.
The climber would scurry and solo this stuff all the way up the top piece of granite.
Maryland has been polyamorous since college. He is in a year-long relationship with a partner who is my age. I think she’s probably just a little older than me judging from the way that she looks. He loves her and considers her his primary partner. She loves him and is solo poly. I think that I’ve discovered that people who make a decent amount of money and have a house identify more with being solo poly. The words seemed loaded. Eg. “My money is mine and I don’t cohabitate.” His partner brought him over to me at karaoke and introduced us and then she said, “I’m going to mingle.” He had gotten my phone number and then we texted and made these plans. I think that we’ll camp this summer too. I enjoy his company very much. He’s also sweet. He texted, “Ok, good to know. Yes, definitely feeling it but that was good,” after I’d texted him our mileage. I texted back, “Hahahaha. Me too! I got nine-years on ya, too,” and sent the sleeping head and grandma emoji. He texted back, “You rock it,” with the starry eyed emoji and a pine tree. I prayer handed that text. He’s going to be a very close friend to me. I’m very happy.
Today I have high tea at the Indian tea house. I wonder if liquor stores are open today? I want to add a bottle of Scarpetta Rosé to the candle and bath bombs for the ballet dancer. Hopefully, they’re open. I have to pick up her best friend out here before we go to the other city. Her best friend wrecked her car. She’s a lesbian too, so I’m looking forward to chatting with her. I told the ballet dancer because she’s newly out, I could be like a mentor to her. I’ve been out 16-years this fall.
I’m going to do yard work and organizing today before the birthday party at high tea. I have to have the house more manageable before I leave for Oregon. It’s pretty disorganized and the yards are actually insane because of all the spring rain. The yards at my house are ridiculous. Like other things from the 50s that I don’t agree with is not limited to all kinds of Kentucky bluegrass everywhere surrounded a brick ranch in the desert. I have mulch and a xeriscape up front and have a tiny patch of tall fescue in the back. I’m doing no mow May though, so it’s also crazy. It’s going to take forever on Thursday to cut it.
Has anyone seen “Indecent Proposal?” Robert Redford gives a couple a million dollars to have a night with I think Woody Harrelson’s wife… Is it Demi Moore? I can’t recall, actually. It fucks up their marriage entirely. I don’t want transactional intimacy. I want a couple of girlfriends. I want to do what I want that doesn’t involve sex, and want to always kiss who I want to kiss. With girlfriends, it would be wonderful to be friends with husbands too, because I really feel at ease around men. They don’t make my heart race or make me feel fluttery.
Maryland, who is so cool, and doesn’t make me feel anything but respect and companionship told me about the relationship smorgasbord. I don’t love this podcast, but have listened to 3-5 of them, and found the graphic in the podcast of the relationship smorgasbord that I want to include in this blog about my weekend and reflections on transactional sex.
Maryland is a Companionship / Playfulness and Emotional Intimacy relationship. The ballet dancer is also Companionship / Playfulness but there is some level or hierarchy given our age difference–Power / Hierarchy on the graphic. I think that will be the same with her best friend. The climber does some communication dynamics and is Romantic with some manner of Emotional Intimacy. Maryland was correct, as this graphic is really helpful with conceptualizing relationship. My best friend and I cross over so many areas on this graphic, so you can see visually the import of our connection.
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