Monthly Archives: December 2023

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Angels

I was completing my second to last errand on the 23rd, and made a turn from a busy street onto a normally typical city trafficked street in a mostly commercial area of town. I was in the right lane and there was another car traveling in the same direction barely ahead of me in the left lane. Suddenly, there was a car heading across the lanes and I swerved, applied my brakes, but he still hit me. I pulled into the parking lot. He said, “Sorry, I didn’t think that I was ever going to make it across that street!” and then he went into a dispensary. I was disoriented and shaking. A woman in the large parking lot across the street started yelling at me. She and I tried to talk across four lanes of traffic and a turn lane as she was at the edge of the parking lot that the man had torn out of. Finally, I heard what she kept shouting, “He hit you!” It happened so fast and my vision of him was blocked until he was right there. There had been a car in the other lane traveling in the same direction that I was, so I couldn’t really process what had happened. I walked across the now busy street.

Her daughter had developmental disabilities. She was convinced that the driver was drunk. His face was really red when he was shouting at me. He was still in the dispensary. Because I couldn’t stop shaking, I called 911. She and I took pictures of each other’s licenses and she told me about the guy selling flowers. He was on the other corner of the parking lot with paint buckets of roses. He had been shouting too, and was upset by the guy hitting me as well as were this woman and her daughter. She kept telling me that she would be a witness and so would the man selling roses.

The guy did eventually come out of the dispensary and the woman with me started yelling across the lanes of traffic at him. He was laughing and smiling, and finally realized that there was a problem. He said, “I thought that I hit a curb!” It was the weirdest thing in the world. The police did respond. They eventually did allow me to go and gave me a business card with a case number on it and told me to give that to my insurance company and tell them that I was the no fault driver. He had expired license plates, and was in a fancy company luxury car that had other damage at the back and when the police asked him about that he said, “Oh, that’s been there. That’s another time.” He also produced a little folio with commercial car insurance. When I got home and could think about things logically I noticed the policy was for the years 2014-2015.

On Christmas Eve, I woke up at 4 and just got out of bed a bit before 5 when I realized that I wouldn’t be able to sleep. I called the number on his policy and 45-minutes later was able to make a claim. He must actually be insured. They took the claim. I’ll call them again on Tuesday. In fact, I’ll call them every day until January 2nd when I have to go back to one of my jobs.

The first angel was the woman. The second angel was her daughter. I think that folks who have intellectual disabilities are plugged into other planes and see things that others don’t. I think some of it is safety mechanisms and other aspects are related to other gifts. The next angel was LA. Last night, she took me to the Christmas Eve dinner party and took me home. It was way out of her way and too much extra driving. The next angel appears tonight and it’s the woman from my bowling team who is taking me to her friends’ house tonight. They’re a married couple from her soccer team, and I’ve already met one of the women when we went out one Saturday afternoon when an Irish pub was closing and it was their last weekend. I haven’t met her wife and will tonight. 

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Ranking

“Open” was wonderful. (I’m on a memoir kick right now, as I’d read “A Serial Killer’s Daughter” and am currently reading “The Snipers We Couldn’t See.” I did read “Lessons in Chemistry” last month too, but it was just my quick jaunt into fiction for a moment in time.) This particular memoir covers multiple years of a primary relationship which had iterations of monogamy, poly-mono, swinging and also some ranked relationships with some friendship between a few of the metamours.

I can recommend this memoir absolutely. Rachel Krantz’s narrative is vulnerable and raw. I think, too, that I could relate to being a secondary partner by reading her reflections. I’m absolutely going to listen to her podcast today. 

When I was with Motor Cycle Woman, who I just can’t call the drunk anymore, I became her secondary partner. I was fine with it too. What I wasn’t fine with was feeling energy from her primary all the time and I think it was mostly due to me knowing so many things about her primary. We never met and I never actually saw her–not even a picture. Motor Cycle Woman used me like a therapist really. She was seeing all kinds of women for months and then settled on me and her primary. 

I know that Motor Cycle Woman eventually subbed her out and made me primary. That was when she went back to monogamy too. Likely the only reason she did that was because at the time I wanted an escalator relationship and she moved 6 states away. She was only poly for 2-3 years. I do struggle generally with people who say that it’s just lifestyle. From my experience it’s like sexuality and is wiring. 

I had a good conversation with her last November or December, and then when I talked to her again in the dead of winter I was on speaker in her and her wife’s car and the conversation sucked. I wonder how she views her intimate relationships now, but I won’t find out because I have no contact with her. I can assume some though as when I changed my FB profile picture she did the thumbs up like it along with 65 other people. I guess although I’m pushing 50, a black cocktail dress and heels is still sexy.

The year is coming to a close. I’m thinking about my next decade. Half a century.

I think that the women who I know currently would consider me secondary or very loosely tertiary like a satellite or comet. One may not consider me at all at present because we had one very good conversation and haven’t seen each other again although we were drawn to each other. I want to be really careful as I enter into relationships so as to avoid completely the therapeutic component. Meeting metamours would help. I think that I’d just listen and not encourage or make comments at all. Then, I’d like to say what I know from my recent experiences and perspective. I don’t think my experiences with non-ethical non-monogamy in high school and college are part of the current conversation. There are elements of primacy and rank that I’d like to talk through.

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Is that a cat in your purse?

So, the bar wherein we had flip cup for kickball in late summer early fall now has karaoke on Wednesdays. The music was really low, so I’ll have to communicate more with the KJ when we go back so I can sing well. I met LA there. She’s been my friend for probably 20-years or so and was so gorgeous when we were in our 20s. I had boxing last night; she was already there when I changed and met her.

I had been boxing before, and now I love it and have resigned myself that I’m just going to bang up my hands somewhat. I can’t NOT box, climb, cut vegetables or play guitar. And, gracious, do I love to box. It’s AMAZING. 

One of my friends from our summer bowling team showed up with her cousin later and met LA and I to eventually sing. It was fun, but my friend had been drinking earlier, hit a wall, and her cousin had to take her home because she was wasted. I ate a semi-greasy Bahn Mi, because the regular kitchen isn’t open on Tuesday or Wednesday, so I walked around the sandwich shop. I was so sad. I wanted their seared brussels sprouts with thick balsamic vinegar and chunks of blue cheese. I may have to get those today, actually. I may.

LA and I sang, hung out with sculpted gay men who sang like Broadway singers and I even danced a little with a handsome professional singer. Ha. Probably because I’d just been boxing. Dancing is so scary. Such nice and talented guys there. Also, the man whom I danced with is from the same town that LA is in Louisiana. Cool connections and fun all around.

Later, a woman came in with her boyfriend and had an orange tabby in her handsewn bag. The bar was so loud. I was immediately concerned. Although a majority of singers were show quality, there was still some elements of cacophony and discord, and the cat was unphased. I had to go back and forth and pet the big boy. I learned later that they’re all from GA, he’s 11, and was an outdoor cat until now because it snows here. I loved that life became a movie that I enjoyed which I saw with my ex-wife (“Boundaries” 2018). Who knew that cats like the bar?

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Why?

I had a great time at the movie last night. I’m so glad that Vegan organized it and the married women who accompanied her were really cool and I hope that she brings them to our potluck. We chatted and joked at the intermission between films. I like this idea about a queer women’s circle. 

I subscribe to NYT. Their reporting is balanced and deep. Between them and my local NPR station, I think that I know what is going on. I can’t wait to listen to “The Daily” today because concussive traumatic effects are happening in young people now. Doctors know given scans, MRIs, and postmortem interviews of families talking about hospital visits and changes to their sons.

Why do we have an obsession with football in this country? Have you even watched it lately? It’s a little bit of running, a flag thrown down, a long commercial break, back to the refs walking around, some verbal exchanges and another commercial break. Rinse, lather, repeat.

My son was always super tall for his age. He’s just a hair under 6-feet at his present 17, but he towered over everyone since he was in daycare. He played a lot of soccer. Years of it actually, and was able to make his team via tryouts in middle school. He has run track, he has played club basketball, and is a very good baseball player. I can’t tell you how many times men would watch him move as a 6, 7, 8, and 9-year-old on the field for practice and tell me that he’s a full back. 

He played one season of flag in 2013. He didn’t like it very much, and the ONLY reason he played that was because our rec center didn’t have soccer that particular spring and he is a nightmare when he isn’t playing sports. I knew about the Parkinson’s link, found it boring, and have some friends with ruined knees, so he wasn’t really allowed to play it. When the bulk of the pandemic lifted in his sophomore year, many of his friends from middle school were playing it as now high school students, and he told me that he wanted to. Given the massive weight gain that has not subsided even now, I cheered him on to do so. He didn’t try out for the team.

I love watching soccer and basketball. When I went to a couple of rugby games, I really liked it too. I can’t even stand the noises that football practice emits. It sounds like plastic breaking. I’m writing this entry today because I think that the rules need to be overhauled or the sport shouldn’t be allowed for men under 25. Know your risks and have a fully operational prefrontal cortex before you chose something dangerous to play.

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Paths

We had a such a great day together. I met up with Ballet Dancer and her black lab and got to the trail when the sun was high in the sky. It was warm until we got higher and then I was grateful for the LL Bean Thinsulate jacket that my Mom had bought me many years ago. I love it for outdoor activities and it’s a green thing because the material is mostly recycled. My Mom bought me a suit, this jacket and a long wool jacket. She gave great gifts. ❤

My altitude conditioning leaves a bit to be desired. We only snowshoed just under three-miles, but I want to get back up there soon. There’s a really funny story here too. I needed lots of help with my snowshoes. The ratchet clip and the teeth on the straps was confusing. I got them going though. Some packaging was accidentally left on and it’s helpful packaging for when you snowshoe.

Look at the snowshoe on the right. That plastic helped me on the trail! I want another piece.

I thought that my other snowshoe was missing a piece, so I went back to the outdoor store last night and the saleswoman explained in a non-sarcastic and kind way that it was the way that they had to be packaged safely. She didn’t say, “Dipshit, this is packaging, and can be removed.” She was so kind and didn’t even seem to be thinking that. She talked about this process is one in which inventions are made. I told her that she should get stock options and she introduced herself formally to me. Ha. So, I tried to email MSR today and it didn’t go through. I’m going to call them. I want another plastic piece because my other foot got cold. It’s not just packaging. Swear.

We bonded so beautifully yesterday. We went back to where Ballet Dancer had parked after our snowshoe and talked at a brewery. I had a bad moment of getting too hot though and was close to fainting. We were sitting by the fire and I can’t do that for very long obviously. The worst thing for me is a hot tub or hot spring. I just had to tell Ballet Dancer about the time that I fainted by a drain in the bathroom of a mountain resort during my ex-wife’s and my engagement trip. My ex-wife has this thing about drains (terror). Not only that, but I was right by a discarded Band Aid and had a feather stuck to me. It became a thing. ”No, you’re by a drain! There’s a dirty Band Aid! Why is there a feather?” I didn’t faint yesterday, and instead lifted my hair and laid on a leather couch while the nausea subsided. Ballet Dancer asked me if it was a hot flash, and I told her that thankfully, I don’t get those. I have never tolerated heat well though. It raises my blood pressure too much. Thus, no hot tubs for me and no hour by the fire obviously. I have fainted in the shower before too.

The only thing that really sucks is that she had just started talking to me about her life path and belief system when I almost fainted. I wish we’d picked up that thread of conversation again. She could be my daughter. I actually thought that I was pregnant at 22 and was excited, but I either lost it, or was never pregnant. She is drawn to older women, and thankfully, I’m in really good physical shape so I can do outdoor stuff with her. I’m so glad that she took that climbing class where I met her. I love having her in my life and want to learn more about her old soul journey.

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Bridge

I met Rower, Vegan and the Realtor for a walk yesterday after I lifted weights. Rower and I had a giggle about that one. I said that I was lifting so would park elsewhere and walk over to the lot that I put in the calendar notice that I sent. When I saw her, and went over to give her a big hug, she said, “Why didn’t you drive? You took a Lyft?” Hahaha. I told her it was all about the “i” and not the “y.” She’s so great. I’m very lucky to have her in my life. She’s smart and reflective.

There isn’t even a touch of anything between the Realtor and I. It reminds me of some curriculum that you can use with clients who have cognitive or developmental delays–we do the Green Far Away Hug Circle. It helps actually, because then I won’t think about her. She was super interested in how we all met, so we explained it as best as we could. It’s kind of funny, because Rower, Vegan and I are all divorced now. I’m the only one who doesn’t want an escalator again. They’re actually good examples. I don’t have one friend. I have tons of friends, so I would rather see 2-5 women. Expecting someone to be everything for you gets too riddled with expectations and demands and frankly too much uninterrupted time together. Gross. I still want magic.

I was going to go to some lakes today with Ballet Dancer, The access road is closed so we’re going to go to the base of three high peaks and see if that access road is open, and if not, we’re going to go through a mountain pass to another snowshoeing route. I’m finally retiring Motorcycle Woman’s snowshoes. Historically, I’ve only been with women who were taller than me and she was just a hair under 6′. Her snowshoes don’t really work for me; although, I’ve used them 5-6 times. I’m trading them in for store credit at 10 am and then hitting the highway to meet Ballet Dancer. Prior to then, I will buy snowshoes for myself.

My ex wife and I hiked up to a lake right before Christmas of 2018–her snowshoes were overtightened, brand-new, but wouldn’t open, so I took off my snowshoes all together eventually so as to be fair.

It was cool to walk with these four women today. When we got back to the car, having logged over 13,000 steps together, they asked what we’d do next and we’d been toying with a queer women circle. Not a Meet Up; although, that would be possible for things not at my house, but a group. 

We’re going to find a snowshoe route today no matter what!

We put a date on the calendar and I just titled it Homo Potluck. I hope that Libra comes, as she got back together with her ex and moving back to the south in three-months, so it would be a last time to see her. The Realtor is inviting 6 people. I’ll make a salad and a taco bar, and will get two large bottles of Montepulciano de Abruzzo and of course have beer. For the former, I’ll have vegetarian and vegan options. Speaking of which, I’m reading “Open,” which is a memoir and the reflection on being Vegan is revolting. There was a piece of about using animals for your own pleasure and eating their secretions. It made my stomach flip around. Yuck. 

I miss my women. The host had another baby so I won’t see any of them until next month. I’ve gone to the other group twice, but don’t feel as pulled there. Likely some of it is setting because with my other group we sit around a living room and she cooks. It’s just different in a party room at a restaurant. I’ll keep going though, because I love the author and want her to continue being my mentor.

I’m going to walk my dogs, take a good shower and then head downtown for snowshoe work. Then, it’s up to the mountains! I can’t wait to see Ballet Dancer and catch up with her.

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Boxing

I’m going to do a boxing conditioning class today. I can’t wait. I love to box, but my hands are fragile and no matter how I tape them, they swell like crazy. They actually swell with lots of things: climbing, guitar, too much cooking–meaning using the knife. However, I soak them in Epsom salt when they’re giving me trouble.

Today there is about 3-inches of snow in my backyard. They’re way less in the front, but there is ice. I’ll have to shovel the driveway completely so there aren’t any hazards before I drive to class. I’m drinking coffee and writing.

I picked up the Climber at a collision place on Monday. The nice guy and I were already in the car and she was pretty stressed out. I worked (on site) for the University in the afternoon after seeing clients and simply shut my door and put a sign on it, as I’d taken personal leave. I was still interrupted twice, but not while I was in Zoom. It was dead silent on the drive back home until the Climber made a comment about the light in the sky. We dropped off the nice guy and then the Climber and I talked. When we got to the collision place, she seemed stressed out again. She wants to buy snow tires after they fix her car given that she has just had an accident. Has technology changed a lot? Can you drive on hot asphalt with your snow tires on your car? When I snowshoed in the mountains this March, I noticed sections of the road were missing near a tunnel to get home. I’m ok doing winter driving, but I can’t say that I love it. I’ve not had any accidents at all since a week after my son had his T & A procedure. I think it was 2008. I drive slow and watch the road when conditions are bad. They’re bad today and pretty icy because it’s 20 degrees outside, so I’ll be very cautious driving to boxing.

I’ve been texting with the Realtor. I love making friend connections and have organized a walk with Rower, Vegan, she and I. That is going to be fun. I’ve warned her that she and I will walk and Vegan and Rower will “walk.” I walk fast, and they are much faster than me. Probably less to do with the pace and more to do with them being taller than me. I’m looking forward to the overheard conversation porn.

Vegan texted about a mountain film fest in the next town over two Mondays from now. I would be very disappointed if it sold out, so I bought a ticket and donated money before I started writing. Hopefully, she will go too, but it’s a movie, so it doesn’t matter if I go alone. I saw “Renaissance” alone last Friday. It was great. I’ll be up in that area two days in a row, so I really wish that I had a house and pet sitter. There’s a really charming B & B that my son and I stayed at when he learned to snowboard up there, and that would be wonderful. Ballet Dancer and I are snowshoeing some lakes in a forest the day before. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen her and she has a bf now. He’s beyond fit.

Our group was fun on Monday night. The author was setting up the room when I got there so I gave her a big hug and then she sat with me again after people got there. We’re finally going to grab dinner in January. Her sweetheart’s boyfriend sat with us and I am going to commission him to make some art of my cat. Speaking of which, I want to lay out my children’s book. I’ll cartoon it a little, and then I want to ask the Climber to draw for me. That would be great if I could have it all laid out by January 5th. I have so much more bandwidth for creative pursuits now that my son doesn’t live with me and my parents’ estate will close this spring.

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Family: Chosen and Otherwise

My Aunt was here nine-days and not a week. She was with her daughter for two nights, but otherwise with me. We had a good time and just one little conflict.

I worked 8-7 on Friday and was basically chained to my home office desk in Zoom. That software is useful, but is being used for something that it wasn’t designed to do now. I had seen it in 2015 as a pop-up meeting application and now classes are held on it. I mostly refuse. However, at one university I have students in AK, FL, IL, WA, and other states. I have to run a supervision time with them on Zoom because of geography–it’s only two-hours with a 15-20 minute break. However, on the days that I’m on it for speaking mostly and posing questions, I get weird. I was weird Friday night, because I’d been in evaluation meetings via Zoom all day and then led supervision afterward.

I got up Saturday, did my slow leisurely coffee, and then when I got back my Aunt texted that she was really close. I realized that my house would just be dirty and messy when she got here and she’d have to deal with it because she’d chosen to come early. When she got here, I found out that she was staying through Monday. However, she’s a link to my Mom. My Mom has been gone two-years yesterday. And my Aunt sees me. All of me. She’s super religious in a rigid way wherein everything is tied back to God’s plan so grief isn’t a thing and neither is much of anything else; however, she doesn’t care at all that I was married to a woman for 8-years. She adored my ex-wife. She knew me when I looked like a boy too, so she accepts me. She’s only 20-years older than I am.

Wednesday, we had Thanksgiving with her, my son, eventually my son’s girlfriend–she had another accident so was late here–and Rower and her son. Rower has been my friend for 12-years and is a phenomenal athlete. She is going through a breakup right now, and the writing of which had been on the wall for months, so she was sad and didn’t eat. I just love her son now. He went through an entitled stage and now is a joy. I’m going to find something for the four of us to do together when he turns 15 in two weeks. My neighbors, who are my family now, came over and taught us Just One and we ate spiced pumpkin cheesecake and a cherry pie with a lattice top. (Don’t ever buy pie filling. Spring for $17 of water packed cherries and make it yourself with real almond extract.)

The sage looks a little unsettling under the skin

I picked up tamales from my friend who is broke. She earned money for her rent by making 50 dozen for the holiday. I made pintos with red chili and Mexican rice with ground green chili to accompany them. So, we ate well for a couple of days.

I did a lot of cleaning and laundry. My Aunt was watching me fold towels one morning and said, “You need a wife.” I said, “There will never be another wife.” It gave me pause. My mother never would have said that to me. When she was so angry with me one time, probably around 2009 or so, she said, “It’s different when you have gay people in your own family!” My aunt sees the whole me and loves me. My sexuality doesn’t matter to her at all.

The nice guy and Batman and I commuted yesterday. It was ok. I’m sometimes really troubled by how stoned the former is all the time. I don’t know a ton about marijuana, but I have heard that it stunts your progress in the cognitive realm. He seems really young to me a lot of the time. I am ten-years-older than he is, but I do think that taking edibles all day makes you seem kinda simple. Batman was scheduled to the max last night and is tonight too. I’ll see them both on Monday.

My brother would have been 40 on Monday. It’s strange and sad. I definitely think about him almost everyday.

I have a discussion group on Monday night. I’m really looking forward to it. I hope that I get to see the author too. She is slowly losing her mother, and I’d love to connect with her. I will write again on Tuesday.