Tag Archives: Aging

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Half a Century

I spent my 20s establishing my career, my 30s coming out, my 40s getting financially stable, and wonder what my 50s will hold. I’m not sure.

I got off of a plane and had a private driver explain the boroughs of NYC to me after he offered to take me to my hotel. He told me some things that I could do which would be unique. After I checked in, I went walking.

After a huge serving of guacamole and two tacos, I heard the staff singing to a man and realized, “Wait, it’s after 2 in the morning, so it’s my birthday! I went over to his table and asked when his birthday was and it was actually the day before. I told him that mine was today. He wished me a happy birthday.

An hour later, the staff came out with a vanilla ice cream rolled in toasted coconut topped with sprinkles. They sang to me, which I usually hate, but it made me happy. I told everyone at the restaurant that I was 50.

Did you know that Julia Child was an accomplished chef, but that her tv show which propelled her into fame was filmed when she was in her 50s? Judi Dench was a stage actress who’s appearance in “Goldeneye” made her famous. She made that film at 50. I hope to publish my book at 50.

I did things the next day that made me happy. I looked at art for 4-hours and walked everywhere. I went to a restaurant in Manhattan on the other side of Central Park, and I tried to eat broccoli rabe, but they didn’t have any, so I ate roasted carrots and calamari rings with homemade red sauce. When I did finally get back to where I was staying I read “Class,” and spoiler alert, this book is even better than “Maid” is.

NYC was a great place to reach 50. I’m glad that I made it happen. My other goals pertain to my book, reading for pleasure everyday, staying healthy and strong, working on my emotional landscape and being intentional with my time.

I try to ensure that I’m reading everyday because I want to publish my book this year. Right now, I’m looking for an illustrator. Batman is off-grid. I took her bio off of my website. I can’t wait around for her, so I’m contacting folks on Fiverr. I thought that I had a good connection with an artist in Spain, but now the messages are gone. I have to keep plugging away

Making it to half a century is a big deal. I want to stay in good physical condition and connect with people who I love. It’s important to me to continue things that are meaningful to me, and I know that I want to let go of many other habits thereby disrupting some behavior patterns.

I read an article to get ready to write this post. The author says that when women turn fifty that they have to see if the curtains that see match the patterns in themselves inwardly and outwardly. Looking inward is always a little difficult for me.

I struggle a bit making sense of my own emotions (inwardly) so I have to take lots of time to process. I wonder if it would be helpful to rate my emotion daily as a tracking? Outwardly, I’m in good physical shape–especially for my age and the fact that my body was in pieces 36-years ago. I think that my body matches my mindset. I am thinking about tracking where I am day to day with my sleep, activity, level and human connections that occur in real life.

I’ve done it. I am the last one in my family of origin and I’m half a century. I visited the coolest city in the world (I’ll have an entry upcoming.). I have been reading voraciously, I am contacting professional illustrators for my book, I am quite fit, I am committed to improving my emotional bandwidth, and I refuse to say yes to spending time with anyone who’s life I don’t enhance and vice versa.

What did you do when you turned 50?

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Plan

I have a million thoughts in my head and have so many topics that I’d like to write about. I think that I need to make a plan. I haven’t written in a really long time and don’t know how to complete one coherent post. I would appreciate anyone making a comment with a vote of where I should start.

  1. Why the myths about NYC are myths
  2. Turning 50 in the most robust city
  3. A new, incredible love interest
  4. Why going slow and being intentional with romantic interests is helpful
  5. Sleep
  6. Alcohol
Image by Pexels from Pixabay

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Dental Emergency / Going to an Indie Film

I have told myself that I won’t say no to anything social. It means that I’ll drag myself anywhere that I’ve been invited. I went to the movies with Vegan yesterday and the movie was, well, quite odd. I bought tickets for a 3:30 showing of the film and told Vegan that we’d meet there Friday. However, I hadn’t expected what happened with my health.

I have a good enough immune system that I don’t get sick enough to miss work. I have worked a few half days and taken off an hour twice, but that has been mostly due to my loathing being in my other building just meeting rather than conducting my work with clients. I had this persistent sinus infection for a long time which infiltrated the roof of my mouth and teeth. The swelling got so bad yesterday that I realized that I needed to see my dentist. The gums were sore to the touch and all of my teeth hurt.

The dental assistant was having a lot of trouble with the computer for my x-rays. I think it likely needed software updates. When she finally projected pictures you could see the swelling on the left side of my teeth and face. When the dentist came in she hit each of my back teeth with a little metal mallet. EXCURIATING on the tooth in question. “I have to open the tooth and drain the infection now. Then, I’m referring you to the endodontist.” Lovely. It’s being 49 and it’s time for a root canal.

She had to take intraoral pictures next. I was probably in three different chairs for 45-minutes. Finally, the dental assistant put the numbing agent in my mouth so that I could start drooling. That is always super fun. Probably another five-minutes elapsed and she gave me my shot. Then my dentist saw a crack. So, we got up to go back to the place where the interior camera was and she took one more shot, and that’s when she showed me a crack from one side to the other and the crossing of the root. 😦

The dentist filed my tooth down to practically nothing and put glue on it. I have to see a specific dental specialist the week of the 25th for an extraction. Apparently, he will put a screw in the place where tooth #14 was and then it will heal over until July 1st when my dentist will build an implant. Fun. 10-days of amoxicillin.

I paid my $72 co-pay and hightailed out of there. I got to the theater with three-minutes to spare and Vegan gave me a side hug and joked about my tooth. All should have been well, but one of the characters gets his teeth knocked out–violently. I didn’t have any experience with the actress in the lead until the movie, and I generally liked the strange film. It evoked Tarantino and the video “Human Behaviour” by Bjork for me. Vegan was horrified. I didn’t know that she couldn’t tolerate any violence and is not a fan of dark humor. Can someone let me know what they think of “Love Lies Bleeding?” Did anyone see it after going to the dentist? Hehe.

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Shifts

I went on my community walk yesterday and a fourth grade girl was obsessed with my dogs so she talked with me, and accompanied me on my walk. So cute. Her grandparents thanked me when we got back to the fruit, breakfast bars and coffee after our walk. I called my colleague who almost died and we caught up. She’s doing really well. Then it was off to the climbing gym.

I get so intimidated by some cismen. I couldn’t tie in and then just gave up so my friend I did auto belay routes. I had fun and was really sore yesterday afternoon. I’ll do knots at home and then I do need to buy a grigri. I think it will be free. I have a ton of points. You can’t use an ATC in gyms.

She and I took breaks and talked a lot too. I had to remind her that she cried when we were waiting for the outdoor wall to open this summer when we were bouldering. I told her that she texted me because she was in the breakup spot. It’s true. I’m trained as a clinical psychologist, so I am a good listener and she’s not paying me so I can just tell her what I’m seeing. I asked, “How long have you ever gone without a girlfriend?” She just looked at me. Then it was nervous laughter. I said, “You don’t want to be alone. You don’t want to be with her necessarily.”

Her mother died from all the complications related to Alzheimer’s. She still has her Dad. She’s about four-months and two-years older than me. She has her sister too, and she told my friend to break up with her girlfriend. I told her to be a good friend to her while she works her shit out. There is a lot too. I don’t know how many years she was married to her husband, but they finally have divorced and he is already transitioned to female. She has an ex-wife in reality. She also does lots of push and pull. It’s all that avoidant attachment stuff. My friend has an anxious attachment and really doesn’t want to die alone.

I think that when you part, you are alone. I told her that I’m interested in hybrid long-term care insurance with an additional life policy. My son will not do anything that I’ve done now for going on ten-years.

I had a great time with her though and she is one of my two lesbian friends. She divorced about two-years before I did. I’m pretty confident that her ex-wife married her to get her pension and other assets. They’d been together for 15-years or more before getting married, and were maybe married 3-5 years. My other friend who is lesbian has been married twice. Once to man, as I was, and she also has a son. She and her ex-wife had another son who is now college age. They both get it, and get me, and I love seeing them seasonally.

I won’t remarry. I won’t cohabit. I still want those romantic moments.

Soooooo Friday night. I went to my end of the season party for kickball and my two male teammates weren’t there. I had mentioned it to one of my bowling teammates prior to leaving work and then I asked the officiator if I could “make” a team for cornhole and flip cup. He said absolutely and he had shirts for them. I was in my team shirt, but took one because they were cool. Our other teammate from bowling got there about 45-minutes later with one of her friends from work. I was so glad to see her. I got up and hugged her and then she said that she liked my eye makeup and had never seen it before. I think that I’d had it on before at bowling, but dunno. I definitely look different without makeup on. We didn’t win, but my other teammate and her old roommate showed up too and we had a ton of fun with our team of 5. She texted me asking if I’d gotten home ok, and we’ve exchanged texts.

She’s fit and very nice. Southern nice. She’s Persian and attractive. Typically, I look at blonds and redheads and have been mostly with women with light eyes. My first girlfriend–high school–was brown eyed and the little liar was brown eyed. However, eye color is superficial. I think that we look at who we look at, but on-going attraction is complicated. It felt really nice to have her texting with me because she’d never done that outside of group texting. It’s nice too because I don’t have to have any conversations with her about me and where I am with my life. I had handed the Orchestra Director who also plays on our bowling team my copy of “The Ethical Slut,” this summer because she wanted to read it. We’ll see.

I have to lift weights before book club today. I really liked the book this time. I’m excited for book club and our conversations. I’m not excited to grade papers and watch videos for feedback all afternoon and evening. However, I had an offer for a soccer watch party with a nacho bar last night and then hang out at the cowboy bar and I elected to watch tv in my basement. I’ve done A LOT of talking this weekend, so maybe grading won’t be as bad as it usually is!

Image by StockSnap from Pixabay
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Slow Processor

It takes me awhile to put things together. I’m reflecting on the demise of my parents today. My Dad has been gone three years, and my Mom just over a year-and-a-half.

I mentioned that I’m on Slack now. It’s been fruitful–good connections. Last night during bowling our other teammate asked if I was dating or swiping or anything and I told her that I’m not. I’m actually fine being solo too. My divorce isn’t even a year finalized yet, and I know that will be a shift for me. Today I’m climbing with my friend and going out later to sing. The weather is disgusting. The night before I woke up at 4 and the house was 80 and this morning I woke up at 5 and the house was 81. It’s 71 right now; I’ll see if I can get it a bit lower in here. I have a large attic fan. I can buy a new cooler for the whole house (roof) next spring. I’ll shop around too. There’s gotta be one less than 10k installed, right?

Back to Slack. People wrote about aging and dying parents. I figured it was time for me to process in writing.

My Mom shattered her shoulder in 2014. My Dad called me at work and I had to tell my Boss that I was leaving early. She was a bit shitty about it, but my Dad sounded terrible on the phone. I rushed over there. My Mom was laying on the floor and looked ashen and gray. It was probably her 12th fall. The fire department had been getting irritated with her, because they had to help her all of the time. I asked her where it hurt and she said in her right arm. My mother had been paralyzed on her left side most of her life. I never knew her to be able to use her left side at all and she walked with a limp. This disability called hemiplegia was a result of a stroke that she had when she was in college at the age of 21.

Back to the floor in 2014. I didn’t want to move her; although, my Dad kept saying to please pick her up or help him do so. I stayed until the Fire Department got there and she winced when they put her back in her wheelchair. I heard a pop too. They transported her to the hospital, I think. Or she followed up that week. I don’t remember. I do remember seeing the x-ray and the doctor saying, “You just hurt looking at that,” where the socket was and bone shards were floating. They never operated. They had excuses. One time she went for surgery and hadn’t been off two of her medications long enough so they sent her home. Then she got the run around. Her one, good, usable arm could eventually be raised to almost shoulder level. Of course her other side was still paralyzed. I tried to work, finish my dissertation, parent, and attend to a new marriage while doing all these things for my parents.

She survived a stroke. She survived losing her son at the age of 39. She survived her childhood. She survived a terrible marriage. She survived that fall. She survived COVID. Then for the next year-and-a-half, she disappeared. Her voice got smaller and smaller. I used to visit her every week. During COVID it was phone calls for three-months, but with her tiny voice I couldn’t hear her. Then the staff broke rules and opened her window, put her ten feet back, I wore doubled masks and talked to her 6-feet through the window. I don’t think that I got to be next to her for 9-10 months.

I had gotten married a month before my Mom shattered her shoulder. One time, my Mom was in either the hospital or rehab as she was for three-years at intervals all the time, and my son, my wife and I had flu. We couldn’t move. They were both throwing up, and I was just achy, in bed, stomach churning for days in December during my vacation. I couldn’t get ahold of my Dad on the phone. My wife called her mother and her mother’s boyfriend and said that she would sanitize a key and put it in the mailbox. When they got to my Dad, he was on the floor covered in pee. They sat him up, gave him a glass of water that he gulped, and then he drank two more. He had the same flu. If they hadn’t gotten there when they did, he probably would have died on the floor. He went to the hospital. These things are the way in which people blow through 225k. For years you pay co-pays, a few thousand for your portion of 3-9 days in rehab, caretakers in your home, and then 11 – 15k per month for skilled nursing until you have 3,000k to your name.

All that to say that when the house sells, I’m meeting with my attorney to get my affairs in order. My parents had a will and all documents, but it didn’t help them ultimately. My son will not be my POA or MPOA like I was via my parents’ Durable Power of Attorney. They never asked me. They just did that. I had just turned 40 and had to try to do things that I was legally required to do.

I’m setting up a scholarship which will be permanent in my brother’s name this fall which will pay fall and spring. I’ll put 7,500 in my IRA every year, and when I’m 62, I’ll start paying out 12,000 every year to my son. I’m starting to pay for long-term care insurance this year or next at the latest. I need my Attorney to advise me with which company and the like. I’m changing my will too. I’m getting a DNR right now. I need to see options for people who don’t have a Durable Power of Attorney. That won’t be my son.

Image by Sabine van Erp from Pixabay
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Futures

Image by WOKANDAPIX from Pixabay

Yesterday, I had gotten my son an hour early to the venue, so walked around a little bit. I had some errors in the paperwork that I need to address going forward regarding ensuring a phrasing in client goals so my colleague talked to me about that. I told him that I would ensure that I had phrases about specific classes or careers going forward. Then the colleague who told me that she was too busy to work with a client came in and I realized that my colleague was thinking that I was like her. Beyond reproach. Can’t take feedback. That’s not me in the slightest. I mess up, make mistakes and try to improve every single day that I’m graced with life. I still feel like I could punch the other colleague that wouldn’t meet with the client, so I think that I’ll talk to her about that in August or September. Not seeing her for ten-weeks will be very nice.

My son talked about being a COVID high schooler in his speech. He then transitioned to talking about dropping out and making the best decision that he could by transferring to a small, tight-knit high school wherein you’d be checked in on all the time. Finally, he thanked the Principal, the Mental Health Provider and each of his teachers personally with a few sentences. They were really touched. He tied up by addressing the fellow graduates. His class was small: 58; and I think had he not dropped out of the comprehensive high school that he attended he would have been one of about 400 next May. We went to a pizza place that is a chain, but does brew beer and sat around with my cousin, her husband, his Godfather and two kids, our neighbors who are now so much like family to my son and I, a mother from his school in 6th grade and her child and several of his friends. It was a nice couple of hours. I printed thank you notes today and have some envelopes that were left over so I made notes in Word wherein I wrapped the thank you font text with a loyalty-free mortar board on it, folded the notes and cut them so they fit the envelopes.

I was looking at his diploma yesterday and got really choked up seeing my brother’s name where my son’s middle name is on the heavy stock paper. It’s so weird to me that my brother never graduated. My parents weren’t at my son’s graduation. Neither were his Dad’s parents because they attended their other grandson’s graduation out of state which was the same day. That makes sense. It’s legitimately that grandson’s graduation year. It’s not like I want to have a large amount of people around, but it’s still weird. Like I’ve written before, I had a typical nuclear family for a child of Boomers with me and my brother. At 47, there was only me left.

I like my son’s current girlfriend. He had a couple more and now feels like he’s settling on this one, and I like her best if that sticks. My son has done his fair share of cheating. And, the love of his life, got back with him by saying that they were undefined, but exclusive and then made out with one of his good friend’s friends. So, he has some relationship baggage already at the age of 17. I’ve been talking to him about ethical non-monogamy. I think that he’s listening too. The only time lately that he is hostile and vile is when he can’t bully me into getting his way. He wants to store nicotine vapes in my garage, and I don’t want to smell rotten Kool-Aid odor when I grab my bike helmet off of the shelf. His argument took shape as a gaslighting bully; however, these events are few and far between, so I’ll take it.

Parenting is often a real treat. I can’t wait to be an empty nester. It’s really soon–14-months away. I’m willing to cook for him and a significant or friend when he prearranges that with me, and I’m willing to take him to Costco. I’ll insure him for dental and medical, pay for a flip phone, and also will write any tuition check that he produces. Otherwise, he’ll just have to figure it out. He’s tall, good looking, smart, charming and talented, so he doesn’t really need anything that he doesn’t ask for. He used to tune me out completely and then after two citations he started realizing that I’m not totally full of shit. Again, he can be a bully on occasion, but it’s rare.

I think that mainly what you can wish for is that your children have it a little better than you did. According to Putnam (2015) that won’t happen though. I’m just hoping like I told my best friend from work when I was talking to her on the phone today that I can pay into long-term health insurance and all he’ll have to do is interview a CNA, check on me to have dinner that someone prepares once a week, and then do a simple probate when I’m gone. I don’t want him to go through anything that I did. And, I also don’t ever want an intimate partner wiping my ass.

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Memory

I did wind up hanging out with the doctoral group at the bar last night. I was the only one from our group who sang though. Energy was ok and I guess I’ll be a designated driver for the cardiologist’s friend next Saturday to go dancing. She is fun. She didn’t sing though, but was supportive to me. The nice guy came and stayed almost two hours and sang. He’s amazing. There is a nice blond woman who will be a friend to me too that came last night. The Social Butterfly came and was supportive. I sang two songs and did well with both.

I’m not going to write about karaoke this morning.

I had a dream about a pickleball tournament. You had to race sports cars to get to the tournament. I was in a blue one with my son and it was really difficult to drive. I was finally able to get it to the venue that also had a lodge. My son and I had some trouble deciding where to set up in the big room that we shared with other tournament contenders, but decided that there were so many windows that all spaces for the bed would be good. When we got out of the room, an orange compact Prius pulled up and my ex-wife was in the back of it and got out. Then her twin sisters got out and, finally, her mother. I knew that we’d have to hug and talk and was surprised, but ultimately neutral.

My ex-husband told me that dreams are downloads. I guess that is true, but there is meaning in them too. My ex-wife’s former neighbor at the condo that she bought dropped off some art that she had in her condo. My ex-wife was always redecorating, rearranging and reappropriating things from rooms. I didn’t get the door because I was in the basement and my colleague’s daughter was upstairs. I figured that my ex-wife was in town emptying her condo. I told my son that was likely the case and asked if he would like to see and call her. He called her right away when we were driving to the Post Office needing to weigh his returns to make sure that he didn’t need extra postage. She answered right away and said she wasn’t in town, but sold her condo and was getting out family heirlooms. He said that he would call her later and I think that they talked last night. I’m glad he’s in touch with her. She did a lot of parenting of him.

Image by 愚木混株 Cdd20 from Pixabay

I had a good run of activities and socializing with my days off of work. I feel pretty solid about where I am going with my life and what I am doing with it. I have a busy morning. I think that I’ll wake up my son now and ask him to please clean the kitchen that he left a mess and walk the dogs with me. Then I’m going to make Trader Joe’s hashbrowns in the oven and some homemade chicken quesadillas. I’ll do my weight machines at the gym and he can get cleaned up. Then I’m going to my Boss’ birthday party and will do what I never do and that’s talk to all kinds of new people. I want to get some pre-arranged dates in the queue.

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Attachment

The last time that I saw the climber was March 13th and we kissed a whole bunch in my car after I asked for a hug. That weekend I read Fraley (2019) for an updated view of attachment. The article was very good, so I printed it for her, but she wasn’t at work on the 20th having had car trouble weekend climbing so I’ve not given it to her and am re-reading it in the printed form. I’ll give it to her next Friday.

What’s sticking out to me now, upon reading the article another time, is that primary attachment isn’t likely an adult thing. That makes a ton of sense to me too, as when toddlers who were characterized as avoidant or anxiously attached would have disruptions as adolescents given that they didn’t have a safe space at home when they were going through tumult. I agree. Several hours before my Mom died I told her again what a good Mom she was and that I wouldn’t be who I was without her parenting. Had my Dad been responsible for me solely, I’d be on drugs, a drunk or dead. My Mom would stay up late until I got home from work, she would keep dinner on “Keep Warm” in the oven when I got home in the dark at 7:30 after a difficult swim practice and sit there while I ate it talking to me about school and practice. I was attached to my Mom in a secure way. But, she didn’t stay my primary figure.

My friends are really important to me, and I’m attached to them as a source of support. I have four best friends. A guy from middle school, a woman who I used to work for in TX, my best friend from my first round of grad school, and my best friend here whom I see in person usually monthly are people who I can only see or talk to occasionally, but feel connected to anytime that we’re together. I can always eat and laugh with my best friend. We have a love of music. She will Pollyanna things though and also has a bit of the “silver-lining” it. I don’t give her full details of my plights, and rather just tell her where I am once I get there.

My best friend from grad school was the one who knew that I was going through problems with my ex-wife in the greatest detail. My ex-wife would get overwhelmed with the way that I argue and the general fire that my son spews and would move out all the time. Oddly, she wanted to live partially here and partially in AZ ongoing. When she met a man on the Internet and had him in the house while I was in ME and asked my son about it when he was going to his Dad’s and I couldn’t talk to her about how inappropriate that was–you can’t date at a park or coffee shop?–I said that we didn’t need to talk anymore. She saw nothing wrong about asking a kid about it and dating in our house while we were living together. I’m just paying her off right now. I’ll be completely done in either August or September. I told my best friend from grad school the whole story. She listened and said, “Wow” a lot. That’s all that I needed. I’m going to go see her in Germany in November. All this information to say that I don’t have a primary attachment figure and have several. Fraley (2019) summarizes research about adult attachment networks.

I have networks and am most interested now in consensual nonmonogamy, which is what the same article has detailed in the last section (Fraley, 2019). I want to treat lovers as I have friendships. I have so many friends. Because I moved 13 times before I turned 13 too I am adept at making new friends. I have also worked on being open. It was easier for me after I came out at 33. I can talk openly with anyone who I trust and am a good judge of character. The latter is probably an occupational hazard as I can read body language and also tone of voice better than most. I can easily tell who I should tell personal bits of information and who I should not. I don’t like to do what society tells me. I also believe that I can be completely in love with 2-3 women. Fraley (2019) that personal motivational factors can affect attachment. I am motivated to meet lots of women and also spend time with the climber when she wants to hang out with me. Stay tuned.