Tag Archives: Death

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Important

I wasn’t going to blog for a couple of weeks.

And I wouldn’t if my topic wasn’t important.

I worked in numerous capacities in the same place for seven-and-a-half years. It was 2008 through May of 2015. In one of my roles I was an adult coach who taught basic crisis skills for adult-serving youth, crisis prevention and intervention, suicide intervention skills, trauma-informed practices, soft skill development for youth, and de-escalation skills when youth are violent. I didn’t like the job.

I did meet and fall in love with my mentor.

She was a fairy or other ethereal being.

She died August 13th.

She was three-years older than me chronologically.

She was a leadership director, an artist, a photographer, a prolific letter writer (NOT EMAIL) and a wine reviewer. She had once sent me a wine review because she said that the bottle and wine itself was me. She could tolerate my intensity and wasn’t troubled by my brand of weird.

My current Boss is in the position that she held 2009 – 2014 and then I met her when she was a Director the following year when she moved on from where she worked.

He told me about her death yesterday in the hallway because he said that he was shocked that he didn’t hear back from her via text this fall. (I had felt the same way.) I didn’t know that she had gotten cancer in 2024.

When I am stressed out, I always did and always will continue to think of her calm and love. There wasn’t a single thing that she touched that wasn’t affected by her kindness and energy. She was also funny and not everyone knew that.

One morning in 2016 we were walking down the hall in passing and she made eye contact with me and said, “Good morning. How are you doing?”

I said, “Just plugging through these days using my usual heft.”

She heard, “Plugging through with crystal meth.”

She turned on a dime and said, “Whatever gets you through.”

I learned later what she thought that I had said.

I know that people are given to saying how beautiful people are when they pass away, and people especially tend to do so when folks die due to illness or are taken violently and such, but she had a level of grace about her that was unparalleled. She was honest, beautiful, had impeccable style, and would meet me for bagels at 6:00 am just so we had an hour and 45-minutes to catch up. And she did that for everybody.

An introvert and gentle soul who touched anyone from Customer Service Agents or people who were lucky enough to receive training from her, her impact was felt across this world. And she was tough, honest and real.

I’ll leave you with a lesson that she learned in 2009 or 2010. She had an employee who wore really tight clothes and low cut shirts and worked with 11-15 year-old young men. She sent out an email to her staff regarding business and professional attire on Friday.

On Monday, her employee’s breasts were hanging out and many other women were in heels and men in ironed button-downs and even ties.

Feedback must be direct and never global. As difficult as it seems, it needs to be in a 1-1 conversation.

I’ll miss you forever, K, and I’m so lucky that I had as many hours with you as I did. Thank you for mentoring me.

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Sober

My metamour is doing a dry January.

I have decided to not drink until after Groundhog Day, and I may stop for 60 or 90-days.

My colleague who almost died is probably 80-pounds again. We got her out of the house moving her walker so she wouldn’t fall on her face on Christmas Eve. It took us 3-4 minutes to get her into my colleague’s house. Everyone had to tend to her.

Her neuropathy is so bad that she can’t bare weight on her feet really. I didn’t know that neuropathy is related to having liver disease.

She smelled like Listerine after my son got her into my car on Christmas Eve.

Then she was drinking a glass of white wine. She fell asleep right after gifts and she bitched about her gift.

I can’t do a dysfunctional relationship.

I can abstain from alcohol at bowling, karaoke, after I’ve had a hideous day and I am cracking 1-2 beers while I cook.

I am doing some of it because I promised my colleague that I’d do 30, 60 or 90-days dry with her. When I said that she said that she didn’t know which she wanted, because that was “a big question.”

I also am engaging in this activity because no one can ever make me do something. I have enormous willpower. My son said, “Mom, you’re going to want one beer,” and I said that while that was true I don’t need one.

I’m toying with the idea of becoming a social-only and special occasion-only consumer of alcohol. I’ll write about this journey here.

How much do you drink? Have you lost family or friends to alcohol abuse?

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Near Miss

I saw my girlfriend on Thursday night. We talked and she had a tight right hip given that she sat on the floor for an hour that day and her toddler was jumping on her. It felt like the muscle was pulling in her sacrum.

I’ve had sciatica before and also have fractured and broken so many things that I just intuitively get the body.

I think that she was shocked after working it for about 15-minutes while she laid on her side how much it released. I asked her to lay on her back and she said that it felt better. The next day she texted me thank you and said that her whole hip felt great.

We’ve both had wicked colds. I realized that although I never get sick enough to miss work and generally have a wonderful immune system that I’ll be getting new things given that I’m dating a mother of a really little child. They’re pretty full of germs and have to build up their immunity.

It’s fine. She’s the third mother who I have dated. There is an overall lack of self-absorption and also divided energy that mothers have. I have that presentation too, and she and I have talked about it. I told her once, “When you get another girlfriend, it will be strange if she’s not a mother.” She told me that wouldn’t interest her at all.

In fact, she really only has time for her ex-husband and me anyway. She’s running a practice and does active parenting. Her kid goes the the kid’s gym, gymnastics, preschool twice a week, little hikes, and her daughter rides her scooter in many parks and swims.

They were going swimming yesterday (Friday). They often go to a pool fairly far away so they had to travel on one of our really busy interstates.

My girlfriend swerved into a lane yesterday which was thankfully empty to avoid a car that was going to hit her. Twenty-minutes later she saw that car again, and it had collided with two other cars.

I got a long text in the three o’clock hour about it.

Immediately, my eyes welled up with tears.

I am not a stranger to someone being suddenly gone. My brother was just dead after we got hit. The priest told me when he was giving me the last rites–which he wasn’t supposed to do–and I tried to get out of the gurney, but couldn’t because my pelvis was in three pieces. My former sister-in-law was just gone after having bike ride plans. That is how life really is. You don’t know how many days you have left.

After expressing being scared, relieved, and asking what I could do, I just sent a simple text to her.

It said: “I need to tell you that I love you. Sorry that I didn’t say it to you yesterday.”

After her hip had been addressed on Thursday and she could lay on her back, I laid mostly across her and she was rubbing my back. Her touch is just incredible. It’s relaxing and tender. I realized that I am in love with her. We talked a little more and then it was nine, so I just got up.

Her night time routine takes an hour and a half. Going to bed at 10:30, spending an active day with a toddler and then seeing clients all night is just unfathomable to me. She’s only just under three-years younger than I am. There isn’t any way that I could do it.

She asked where I was going and I said “Home,” and walked out of her apartment through her prep room and then into the practice area. I said, “It’s nine.” She followed me out and hugged and kissed me. We wound up talking in the foyer and then talking more when I went down the first flight of stairs. I was looking up at her. She’s so beautiful. I said, “This is Shakespearean. It’s as if I’m professing my love to you.”

She laughed and blew me a kiss and said something, but the moment was making me turn red and making my heart race a little bit, so I said, “Goodnight,” and walked down the last flight of stairs.

That could’ve been a moment of regret in an instant had the car slammed into her yesterday. Life is so short.

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Former

I don’t have any original family. My brother was killed in 1988 by a drunk driver. My Dad died in 2020. My Mom died in 2021. I have my son, and he doesn’t live with me. I am a Solo.

When I was staging the house a year ago–how could that have only been a year ago?–I bought two items from the Thrift Store.

One was a heavy wrought iron side table with a wicker top. The other was a table just slightly higher with an almost square tiled top, but I don’t think that the legs are solid. It’s wrought iron too and easier to heft around. Not if you lay it on it’s side with other things in a small SUV. Anyway, LA accidentally broke the tile top on the table!

Broken top

I had been gifted a tile from one of my friends from the co-ed discussion group that I attend when I’m not bowling. I hadn’t hung it; although, it has a loop embedded in the back. As he’s the artist, I paid him $100 as a retainer after asking if he could arrange it with other tiles on the table top so I could use the table.

He told me a month later that he didn’t have the executive functioning skills to get it arranged and done. When I was picking the broken top up from him, the tile broke off in two pieces which was great. Now, I had the board, which fits the table.

I went to Design Center for contractors having spoken to one of the women who worked in the tile gallery. She had lunch leftover and I had a wonderful sandwich. She didn’t have any square tiles. However, she had two large tiles that were beautiful. They’re very heavy too. One of the designers couldn’t use these anymore as the manufacturer has discontinued the tile. I got them for free!

I started thinking about design

I figured that I would check out a tile saw from the non-profit that we have in our city. I was texting off and on with my former sister-in-law about my idea for a cool table top. I mentioned that I would be using the non-profit. Her wife said that the non-profit has shitty tools. She said that she had all the things that I would need, and she’d help me make a new table top.

I’ve had to store things in my basement for almost a month!

I went over to my former sister-in-law’s house late afternoon yesterday. I gave her a giant hug. I gave her file folders which had been stored in a filing cabinet that’s in the closet in my office. The files had drawings and pictures that had been labelled by my former mother-in-law.

She said, “That’s my mother’s handwriting.” I said, “It’s all _______’s.” I told her that it would be good things for her twin’s celebration of life next month too. There were pictures of all three sisters in those files. It was emotional.

We talked for half-an-hour while her wife was getting everything ready for the project. Then her wife was super hungry so we went to dim sum. I got to know her much better at dinner. I’d met her briefly in July of 2022 when she and my sister-in-law arrived at my house to move out all of my ex-wife’s possessions. Now, I know her.

I’ll call her AR. She competent, direct, and quirky. She also is able to build and fix anything.

It was really late when we got back to their house. She started with a level and pencil. She found stored black grout. She’s making the top for me in exchange for dinner at dim sum. I’m not comfortable with that, so she’s also taking $100 and spending it on my son’s cousins. I may not be part of their family anymore, but I want their friendship and my son still considers all of them his family. Former or not, they’re wonderful humans.

Image by OurWhisky Foundation from Pixabay
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Shifts

I went on my community walk yesterday and a fourth grade girl was obsessed with my dogs so she talked with me, and accompanied me on my walk. So cute. Her grandparents thanked me when we got back to the fruit, breakfast bars and coffee after our walk. I called my colleague who almost died and we caught up. She’s doing really well. Then it was off to the climbing gym.

I get so intimidated by some cismen. I couldn’t tie in and then just gave up so my friend I did auto belay routes. I had fun and was really sore yesterday afternoon. I’ll do knots at home and then I do need to buy a grigri. I think it will be free. I have a ton of points. You can’t use an ATC in gyms.

She and I took breaks and talked a lot too. I had to remind her that she cried when we were waiting for the outdoor wall to open this summer when we were bouldering. I told her that she texted me because she was in the breakup spot. It’s true. I’m trained as a clinical psychologist, so I am a good listener and she’s not paying me so I can just tell her what I’m seeing. I asked, “How long have you ever gone without a girlfriend?” She just looked at me. Then it was nervous laughter. I said, “You don’t want to be alone. You don’t want to be with her necessarily.”

Her mother died from all the complications related to Alzheimer’s. She still has her Dad. She’s about four-months and two-years older than me. She has her sister too, and she told my friend to break up with her girlfriend. I told her to be a good friend to her while she works her shit out. There is a lot too. I don’t know how many years she was married to her husband, but they finally have divorced and he is already transitioned to female. She has an ex-wife in reality. She also does lots of push and pull. It’s all that avoidant attachment stuff. My friend has an anxious attachment and really doesn’t want to die alone.

I think that when you part, you are alone. I told her that I’m interested in hybrid long-term care insurance with an additional life policy. My son will not do anything that I’ve done now for going on ten-years.

I had a great time with her though and she is one of my two lesbian friends. She divorced about two-years before I did. I’m pretty confident that her ex-wife married her to get her pension and other assets. They’d been together for 15-years or more before getting married, and were maybe married 3-5 years. My other friend who is lesbian has been married twice. Once to man, as I was, and she also has a son. She and her ex-wife had another son who is now college age. They both get it, and get me, and I love seeing them seasonally.

I won’t remarry. I won’t cohabit. I still want those romantic moments.

Soooooo Friday night. I went to my end of the season party for kickball and my two male teammates weren’t there. I had mentioned it to one of my bowling teammates prior to leaving work and then I asked the officiator if I could “make” a team for cornhole and flip cup. He said absolutely and he had shirts for them. I was in my team shirt, but took one because they were cool. Our other teammate from bowling got there about 45-minutes later with one of her friends from work. I was so glad to see her. I got up and hugged her and then she said that she liked my eye makeup and had never seen it before. I think that I’d had it on before at bowling, but dunno. I definitely look different without makeup on. We didn’t win, but my other teammate and her old roommate showed up too and we had a ton of fun with our team of 5. She texted me asking if I’d gotten home ok, and we’ve exchanged texts.

She’s fit and very nice. Southern nice. She’s Persian and attractive. Typically, I look at blonds and redheads and have been mostly with women with light eyes. My first girlfriend–high school–was brown eyed and the little liar was brown eyed. However, eye color is superficial. I think that we look at who we look at, but on-going attraction is complicated. It felt really nice to have her texting with me because she’d never done that outside of group texting. It’s nice too because I don’t have to have any conversations with her about me and where I am with my life. I had handed the Orchestra Director who also plays on our bowling team my copy of “The Ethical Slut,” this summer because she wanted to read it. We’ll see.

I have to lift weights before book club today. I really liked the book this time. I’m excited for book club and our conversations. I’m not excited to grade papers and watch videos for feedback all afternoon and evening. However, I had an offer for a soccer watch party with a nacho bar last night and then hang out at the cowboy bar and I elected to watch tv in my basement. I’ve done A LOT of talking this weekend, so maybe grading won’t be as bad as it usually is!

Image by StockSnap from Pixabay
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Beer and Thesis Art

My refrigerator looks like I think that I have four kids. I didn’t even know that my son was spending Easter with his Dad. I sure bought a lot of food. When my son’s not on Ritalin, which is most Fridays through Sunday, he really can’t think about what he is doing day-to-day. It’s fine. He needs to see his Dad.

I’m going to bike to the gym today because I can’t get in my car again without losing my mind. I’ll leave at 9:45. I just have to finish this entry and coffee and walk the dogs and then I’ll take a very quick shower before I lift. I need to add some more concentrated tricep work. (Why does WordPress think that isn’t a word? I could go downstairs and look at the female muscle poster in my laundry room to get the full name, but I’m not going to.)

I do need to clean again. Why I let me ex-wife convince me that we should have more than my dog for pets will always be an exercise in my foolishness. It gets so hairy and dusty in my house. I don’t know if I will clean today, but I probably can on Thursday. Maybe I should just write out nightly chores for my son. I think that is the best idea, because we’re busy today.

The nice guy is in a samba performance this afternoon, so my son and I are going. My Boss is Jewish, so I invited her to join us considering that she may not have specific Easter plans. Otherwise, it will just be my son and I. I don’t know if my other colleague is joining with her 4-year-old daughter, but she may. She’s Jewish too.

Yesterday I did get to see my colleague’s thesis. It was phenomenal. She had archival photos of intentional housing from the 70s, 80s, and 90s that were from common areas in a building that was designated as retirement housing for former teachers in a large district in the mountain west. She had taken almost the same shots today in black and white and had them framed next to the archival photos. Her thesis was that community is gone, older people are not supported, and that people don’t interact in 2023. My favorite was taken outside the building in 1995 and showed senior men playing putt putt and the 2022 picture is the same shot and is a park bench with no one on it with some grass in the foreground. Gone is the little golf course and people playing.

I was moved by other work too. I sent one about wolves and loss to my colleague who almost died. She is really working on the loss of her Dad these days. I also think a lot about wildfire and enjoyed a watercolor book and mixed media exhibit about the devastation that occurred recently in rural NM.

After I was there about 45-minutes, I got back to my bike and saw that a brewery our community cycling group had sampled in September last fall. I thought, “There are no coincidences,” and went and had a 3 taster flight and then a pint. I was super loaded; although, I didn’t have more than 24-ounces. Thank goodness a handmade pizza company had set up there so I could stay and eat. I did the overheard conversation porn for awhile, which was super entertaining and then a young straight couple with a purebred dog chatted with me too. The woman had the same first name as me. My name is very common, but it was still cool and their dog loved me.

I laid pretty low in the evening. I made asparagus and roast chicken but my son came home an hour late and also ate out. I wasn’t irritated with him though. He can’t follow rules and I would be the one with the problem if I kept expecting him to do so. At least if he’s vaping and doing drugs, he hasn’t done them in my house recently. Having smoke in the house like I did weeks ago is so traumatizing for me. And who knows what metal shit is in those vape devices?!? No thanks. I did return a container to my best friend’s singing partner and put asparagus and chicken in it. I didn’t stay at their house long, but invited them to dinner. I think now that we’ve talked more, they’ll come over. I’m going to portion 5 lunches to my friend who is still caretaking the house. Her brother just died. I’ll put those in her freezer at the house so she won’t have to cook when she comes back from TX.

Happy Easter and belated Happy Passover and may Ramadan and possible fasting be going well!

Image by congerdesign from Pixabay
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Poor Life Choices

I’m facing the postscript music of too many beers and a large shot of Patron Silver this morning. Danced and sang. There was one really pretty girl in the bar who seemed to be having a first date that was going well. My friend did a duet with a really tall dark haired pretty girl which was fun to watch, and that girl took my friend’s number but lives elsewhere and is going through a divorce.

Something that I find cool about karaoke in general is that folks who are not striking have the most captivating voices. Every night you go, there is true talent. I bought a girl a shot. She was AMAZING. I just drank too much and feel like shit today. No drinks for T Day and none for a week to give my body a break. I usually crack a beer when I cook, but can’t stomach that idea at all.

I just have to bring beer and make brussels sprouts for my cousin’s shindig today, so it’s a low lift for me. Last year was my Mom’s last holiday. I did my usual cook up a storm for the family and brought food to the receptionist at the Nursing Home. I also made a big plate for the driver for my Mom from the Nursing Home to my house. Life had a rhythm that has changed since my parents died. Last Thanksgiving we sang, played piano, guitar and drummed and my Mom was lucid and happy. There are lots of pictures. I’ve sent the picture of her sister, her in her wheelchair with me and my son to lots of people. I’m glad that my ex wife had discharged from a crisis unit the day before Thanksgiving last year and took that shot and many other pictures. My Mom died at 2 am six-days after Thanksgiving.

Last night, the bar owner belted “The Story,” which was apropos because my son and I had just listened to “Bear Creek” on Tuesday together. I played a few other songs too. I just realized why I got so sullen listening to “The Eye” by Brandi Carlile. It’s because my ex wife was just a year ago completely suicidal and barely discharged for Thanksgiving. Terrifying. I miss things for sure, but not much over the last three years. I can look at pictures of us now wherein we’d always place our heads together in the same position for a pic at a trailhead, on a mountain, on a beach, in a forest, park or in some urban setting outside walking around. I can look at those easily. We had some really good times. Caring for someone with significant mental illness is so trying and drowns out those other good memories if you don’t explore them. Like the picture of my Mom last Thanksgiving, I’m glad that I have pictures of my ex-wife and I enjoying life in moments in time outdoors.

Even with lots of water last night and early morning, I am really dehydrated. I’m almost done with my coffee and nowhere near my normal pee quota. On Mondays, because we’re squished right now at work while a program relocates next fall, I have to interrupt other people working, teaching, presenting, and meeting because I have to pee out coffee and cross over other rooms to get to the bathroom. Sucks. Right now, I am obviously just absorbing the liquid. Time to shower, do a full body weights routine and drink as many glasses of whey that I can. Later, I’ll nest a couple of eggs and oven two Trader Joe’s hash browns, and if that doesn’t cure the hangover, I hope turkey and fixings does.