Tag Archives: Books

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Half a Century

I spent my 20s establishing my career, my 30s coming out, my 40s getting financially stable, and wonder what my 50s will hold. I’m not sure.

I got off of a plane and had a private driver explain the boroughs of NYC to me after he offered to take me to my hotel. He told me some things that I could do which would be unique. After I checked in, I went walking.

After a huge serving of guacamole and two tacos, I heard the staff singing to a man and realized, “Wait, it’s after 2 in the morning, so it’s my birthday! I went over to his table and asked when his birthday was and it was actually the day before. I told him that mine was today. He wished me a happy birthday.

An hour later, the staff came out with a vanilla ice cream rolled in toasted coconut topped with sprinkles. They sang to me, which I usually hate, but it made me happy. I told everyone at the restaurant that I was 50.

Did you know that Julia Child was an accomplished chef, but that her tv show which propelled her into fame was filmed when she was in her 50s? Judi Dench was a stage actress who’s appearance in “Goldeneye” made her famous. She made that film at 50. I hope to publish my book at 50.

I did things the next day that made me happy. I looked at art for 4-hours and walked everywhere. I went to a restaurant in Manhattan on the other side of Central Park, and I tried to eat broccoli rabe, but they didn’t have any, so I ate roasted carrots and calamari rings with homemade red sauce. When I did finally get back to where I was staying I read “Class,” and spoiler alert, this book is even better than “Maid” is.

NYC was a great place to reach 50. I’m glad that I made it happen. My other goals pertain to my book, reading for pleasure everyday, staying healthy and strong, working on my emotional landscape and being intentional with my time.

I try to ensure that I’m reading everyday because I want to publish my book this year. Right now, I’m looking for an illustrator. Batman is off-grid. I took her bio off of my website. I can’t wait around for her, so I’m contacting folks on Fiverr. I thought that I had a good connection with an artist in Spain, but now the messages are gone. I have to keep plugging away

Making it to half a century is a big deal. I want to stay in good physical condition and connect with people who I love. It’s important to me to continue things that are meaningful to me, and I know that I want to let go of many other habits thereby disrupting some behavior patterns.

I read an article to get ready to write this post. The author says that when women turn fifty that they have to see if the curtains that see match the patterns in themselves inwardly and outwardly. Looking inward is always a little difficult for me.

I struggle a bit making sense of my own emotions (inwardly) so I have to take lots of time to process. I wonder if it would be helpful to rate my emotion daily as a tracking? Outwardly, I’m in good physical shape–especially for my age and the fact that my body was in pieces 36-years ago. I think that my body matches my mindset. I am thinking about tracking where I am day to day with my sleep, activity, level and human connections that occur in real life.

I’ve done it. I am the last one in my family of origin and I’m half a century. I visited the coolest city in the world (I’ll have an entry upcoming.). I have been reading voraciously, I am contacting professional illustrators for my book, I am quite fit, I am committed to improving my emotional bandwidth, and I refuse to say yes to spending time with anyone who’s life I don’t enhance and vice versa.

What did you do when you turned 50?

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Books

I am a reader and it’s difficult for me to read unless I’m on vacation. I’m bad and don’t use my bed only for sex and sleep and read a chapter or so before turning in nightly. For some reason, I’ve read a bunch more recently and I think it’s because my house hasn’t had a deep clean. 🙂 These books are the last five that I’ve read. I think that I read them in about a month.

  1. “Far From the Tree” by Andrew Solomon. It took me a long time to finish this one and I had, truthfully, started it a year ago, and picked it up right now when I’m procrastinating from cleaning a very large house. It’s long and organized into chapters about specific disabilities or challenges. Things that I liked about it were the well-researched applications that Solomon had throughout it and the narratives of people who he’d interviewed who were living with that particular horizontal condition. A vertical condition is something that is inherited from parents and has a sound genetic component. Horizontal conditions are not those shared by parents. For example, committing crimes doesn’t tend to run in families all the time and Solomon illustrates in that particular chapter how contexts and friends can shape criminals. The chapters on Autism and Deafness have resulted in my giving the book to a friend of mine who is a Speech and Language Pathologist.
  2. “Maneater” by Ryan Green. This book is awful. It’s the only one that I have ever disliked from book club. It is poorly written and disingenuous. I was glad that we discussed it in book club, because the art teacher who attends helped me understand that in addition to my finding it gratuitous and sensational, it wasn’t believable. It read like fiction and was supposed to be true crime.
  3. “Miracle in the Andes” by Nando Parrado. I loved this book from start to finish and ordered it right after watching “Society of the Snow” at home. I can’t believe that these 17 men lived. I know that I could say trite things about the human spirit and grit, but I don’t want to do so. I’m a huge Krakauer fan and really want to hang around Boulder, CO for a week to see if I could “run into” him. Anyway, he recommends this book in its marketing. I liked hearing the perspective of one of the people who had to become a climber with no climbing experience. Parrado had grown up on the plains.
  4. “The Fire Line” by Fernanda Santos. Years ago, I stumbled across a news story about a cat bitten by a rattlesnake who dragged himself home, and the author and her daughter, having recently lost their husband and father to cancer, took their cat to the vet. With expensive treatment, he was saved. I was so touched. I emailed her and wanted to send her $50, but she said that there was no need because she got a 24-month interest free credit card instead. I finally read her book and it is excellent. I didn’t know that our government doesn’t fully fund wildfire mitigation and employee wildfire fighter salary. It also made sense to me that when I was hiking in Flagstaff in 2019 why the BLM had cut down so many Ponderosa Pines. Without indigenous practices of burning in the forest, we must clear trees. The story of the men was educational and contained enough about who each of them were personally to hold my interest from start to finish.
  5. “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone” by Lori Gottlieb. A colleague handed me this book and I was afraid it was fiction (See number two.), and it was phenomenal. Anyone who counsels or delivers therapy understands that you walk a weird path with your client wherein they have problems that they’re addressing that you’ve addressed or are having currently when you’re working with them. It’s called a parallel process. I had that with the author. She talks about Andrew Solomon. She talks about grief and ending of relationships. Even if you don’t work in mental health, you should read this book wherein you’ll truly laugh and cry. It’s beautiful. (I’m going to give it to Mini Boss.)
The used copy of my inspirational 2024 solo vacation book in perfect condition came yesterday…
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Grow

I’ve known the climber for nearly 6 years. Our relationship started to change significantly in the fall of 2022 when she took me climbing. I think that it’s growing and I know my attachment to her is too. Seasonal change is upon us, and I know that I’m reflecting on her and whatever “us” is.

It’s getting on toward spring now and I’m so happy about it. I hope that we have a spring and it doesn’t just start getting beastly hot. I used to train practitioners in suicide protocols. Did you know that spring is the time that people die by suicide most frequently? I’m happiest in spring, so maybe that means that I always have something to look forward to annually. I don’t know.

Commute

End of a friendship: The nice guy gives excuses instead of commuting with me. One time he confirmed and when I got in my car to go to his house he called and said that he needed to go to the dispensary after work. Yesterday, it was that he needed to go to work early to set up. It’s ok. I think he’ll just fade out of my life after spring. I won’t see him unless he’s walking his dogs and I’m biking.

The climber (Batman) wanted to leave early and ride with me. However, my dogs take forever to walk now so when I got her text, it was late, and I texted that I’d try to get there at 7:20 and she said that she’d just come to me.

She had completed a super long inventory for one of our clients for me so I made her a toasted bagel sandwich (egg, cheddar, spinach) and washed some blueberries for her. She said that I didn’t have to do that because it was her job. I also had a cup of coffee for her too, and this time had vanilla protein milk which is a good substitute for creamer, I think.

We planned the end of our book on our drive to our building. She had a great idea regarding changing the art with the turning point of the protagonist. The main character is like me as a child and now I think that she’s adding elements of her to the character. It’s beautiful actually. I’m excited. We talked about our parents a little bit and she wasn’t tired and we were able to chat the entire time. The commute is pretty mundane after we get out of our neighborhood–it’s complete with a long stretch of city traffic and then two awful highways complete with poor rush hour drivers. Conversation between she and I certainly breaks up the monotony.

Riding Home

She talked a lot about work. She said because it was the last leg before summer term–a term that neither she or I work–it was a good use of time. I said, “I had you all to myself in the car and we mostly talked about work!” She laughed. She planned the final page of our book and said she’d sketch before she did her ice climb workout that she does every Monday.

When we got to my driveway she said, “Thank you for driving. I love your company. I’m so excited to sketch,” and she was lingering by her door. I put my lunchbox, backpack and jacket down. She walked around the front of my car and embraced me tight. We both took deep breaths. I kissed her cheek.

I said that I would be starting breath work, which is concentrating deeply on your breath and moving it in a guided fashion through your body with a guide. I had mentioned previously that all the talk therapy that I’ve done has run its course. I said that when she gave me feedback about not breathing, I knew that was some work that I should do. She said, “You weren’t breathing at all!” I said, “You make my heart race!” She said, “You really like to make me blush!” I said, “While that’s true, right now, I’m just being honest.”

I like this slow and somewhat deliberate expansion between Batman and I ❤ She is part of what I’m thinking about and hopeful for this spring.

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Ranking

“Open” was wonderful. (I’m on a memoir kick right now, as I’d read “A Serial Killer’s Daughter” and am currently reading “The Snipers We Couldn’t See.” I did read “Lessons in Chemistry” last month too, but it was just my quick jaunt into fiction for a moment in time.) This particular memoir covers multiple years of a primary relationship which had iterations of monogamy, poly-mono, swinging and also some ranked relationships with some friendship between a few of the metamours.

I can recommend this memoir absolutely. Rachel Krantz’s narrative is vulnerable and raw. I think, too, that I could relate to being a secondary partner by reading her reflections. I’m absolutely going to listen to her podcast today. 

When I was with Motor Cycle Woman, who I just can’t call the drunk anymore, I became her secondary partner. I was fine with it too. What I wasn’t fine with was feeling energy from her primary all the time and I think it was mostly due to me knowing so many things about her primary. We never met and I never actually saw her–not even a picture. Motor Cycle Woman used me like a therapist really. She was seeing all kinds of women for months and then settled on me and her primary. 

I know that Motor Cycle Woman eventually subbed her out and made me primary. That was when she went back to monogamy too. Likely the only reason she did that was because at the time I wanted an escalator relationship and she moved 6 states away. She was only poly for 2-3 years. I do struggle generally with people who say that it’s just lifestyle. From my experience it’s like sexuality and is wiring. 

I had a good conversation with her last November or December, and then when I talked to her again in the dead of winter I was on speaker in her and her wife’s car and the conversation sucked. I wonder how she views her intimate relationships now, but I won’t find out because I have no contact with her. I can assume some though as when I changed my FB profile picture she did the thumbs up like it along with 65 other people. I guess although I’m pushing 50, a black cocktail dress and heels is still sexy.

The year is coming to a close. I’m thinking about my next decade. Half a century.

I think that the women who I know currently would consider me secondary or very loosely tertiary like a satellite or comet. One may not consider me at all at present because we had one very good conversation and haven’t seen each other again although we were drawn to each other. I want to be really careful as I enter into relationships so as to avoid completely the therapeutic component. Meeting metamours would help. I think that I’d just listen and not encourage or make comments at all. Then, I’d like to say what I know from my recent experiences and perspective. I don’t think my experiences with non-ethical non-monogamy in high school and college are part of the current conversation. There are elements of primacy and rank that I’d like to talk through.

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Lovers like a friend

Climbing on auto belay is frightening. When you fall, you fall a few feet and you need to make sure that you place your feet toward the wall. You can start whacking your body and your face on hand and footholds. We got there and the wall wasn’t open. So, we bouldered. Just like me I got up the rock really quick and then had no idea how to get down. I’m the same on a summit. I can get up really fast–especially for my age–but my janky left knee makes going down really slow. I need to start bringing my trekking poles.

Anyway, we stopped bouldering because we were burning our forearms. We weren’t pumped. The rock was way too hot. I think it was 94. Then we talked. My friend has grown impatient. Her partner’s ex-wife hasn’t moved out of the house yet, and they’ve been in relationship 16-months. They had a chat recently and my friend’s partner told her, “I know that I’m not giving you what you need and deserve.” She almost cried. I feel so badly for her situation.

I went ahead and went to the bar to be in air conditioning, have beer and tons of water after we climbed. I had a couple of good conversations. The crowd was really, really young. The nice guy met me late and we put our names in to sing and weren’t called so we left and went to the good venue. He had to work today so he got tired and we didn’t sing there either, but he only smoked a tiny amount of pot at the good venue and we both ate there so he was cool. He also is addressing his codependency and not obsessing on the girl in FL right now. We had wonderful conversations.

I’ve got less than 80-pages left in Gahran (2017). I think that I have had some shifts. If you’re not looking for a traditional beginning, middle and end upon death, you might want a partner just like a friend. I had learned in Fosse (2021) that relationships without demands and expectations tend to cause less of a need for therapy. I got that then. Now, I think that I’m coming to wanting some partners who are just like a friend to me. Having a great time in that moment and then navigating how often she would like to see me. I spend so many days quietly in my house when I’m not working. I may not get a text or personal email all day. I’m good at it. The only time I get lonely is during holidays. I think that my workaround would be doing something huge or otherwise epic for a holiday.

Yesterday, our teacher and safety person at the wall said that he climbed a difficult Class 3 long mountain on the 4th. Why didn’t I do something like that? Not a difficult Class 3 with no partner, but something fun and different. I think it’s because I am usually around for my son. He’s really busy with his girlfriend most of the time these days and does family stuff with her family. I don’t want to join or do I want to seek out a close friendship with her parents. They’re nice. Her mother shot lots of prom pictures for Senior Prom. I just don’t feel close to them, or immediately drawn.

In ten-days I have a new Meet Up that was directly recommended to me. I am excited. Three-days after that I have a women’s discussion potluck Meet Up. Again, I’m excited. I am actively making new friends. I’m going to have coffee with a new mentor before I go back to my full-time job and start teaching a class that I’ve taught a whole bunch of times. I need to add some neuroscience in it, but that won’t be a heavy lift for me. However, I ought to start this ten-month working cycle with way less stress. The house will be sold. I will not be paying any maintenance. I’ll have been divorced a year. My son is not in high school. And, I have new friends who have more experience than my limited and dated experience with ethical nonmonogamy.

Image by Andrew Martin from Pixabay
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Superheroes

I dreamt about the Realtor…again. I met her for dinner and my son was sitting by me and my best friend would be joining. The waiter got really antsy. I looked like shit. I was un-showered in my Adventure Time t-shirt and some beat-up jeans and the Realtor looked gorgeous and was confident and poised like she usually is. My son was quiet–so I know that is a dream. Finally, the Realtor went out to the parking lot after sending a text and came back in fairly quickly and then she got out a P-card from her firm. She was going to run it in the remote credit card machine, and then changed her mind and whipped out another card that was my best friend’s and the waiter balked. She explained to him that my best friend was out in the parking lot–parking–and would be joining. She got there just in time for us to toast–my son had a Pellegrino–and I reminded my son and best friend to make eye contact. I didn’t have to remind the Realtor.

My son asked me yesterday if I’d heard from the climber and I told him no. He asked why I don’t text her, and I said that I don’t chase. I also told him that she is Batman. I recall when we were in my bed after the ballet and she was talking about comets. I didn’t know what the hell she was talking about really, because I wasn’t as well read as I am now:

  1. “The Polyamorists Next Door”
  2. “The Many Faces of Polyamory: Longing and Belonging in Concurrent Relationships”
  3. “Plural Loves”
  4. “The Ethical Slut”

“Stepping off the Relationship Escalator: Uncommon Love and Life” came yesterday, but I want to finish “Broken Horses” first. I had to read “The Devil’s Rooming House” within 24-hours so I’m ready for book club on Sunday in between things too. But, I digress.

The climber is Batman because she is a satellite to me. She’s not a comet. She has a signal. My son was at her house a couple of weeks ago dancing. I work with her some weeks–I have to say some because she doesn’t sleep, but instead adventures to the max so sometimes literally is still elsewhere on Sunday nights or Monday mornings–and can feel her office when I’m at work. She’s Batman because there is a bat signal that emanates from her home, which is blocks from mine, from conversations with colleagues at times, in my car for commutes, and of course occasionally in the building.

Image by merryjoeblog from Pixabay
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Karaoke and the new book

I got to the good venue for karaoke and the nice guy from work was so late. He was also super stoned. He’s hard to relate to when he’s that stoned. I drank five glasses of water and got a free beer. I’d been there three Mondays in a row when it was closed, so the owner said he’d buy me a drink next time and he did so. Finally, the nice guy joined me and my other colleague and I put my name in the Internet queue. I sang “Faith” and I nailed it. Later I sang the Mikky Ekko part to “Stay” while my friend sang Rhianna and we harmonized really well. She stayed with me when I was waiting and I sang “Wanted Dead or Alive” and had everyone singing the echo in the chorus. I’m sounding good lately. I also still love playing guitar and taking a class for it, so I’m hopeful to just continue to get better musically generally.

I’m going to go with him again on Thursday and will hope that he isn’t too stoned. I also have a lot of struggles refraining from judgment with his obsession with this girl who lives in FL and went to Pride with him last month. She’s beautiful, and they had a good time, but his incessant texting with her is really weird. I had to tell him that he was codependent the last time we were together because he always leaves to drive his ex home from work. They still live together. Why can’t she walk home? It’s about a mile. I’m not writing behind his back either, because I tell him these things. It’s just sad.

Gahran’s (2017) book is great. She must have had to really sort her survey data.! I can’t imagine. It was difficult enough for me when I did my dissertation, and I only had to sort 12 interviews. Her research included over1500 survey responses. That is amazing.

So far, I’ve taken these nuggets away:

  1. The concept of social territoriality has threads of jealousy within it when other partners try to control or otherwise have license to limit behaviors of another partner. I think that communicating what both partners are comfortable with doing when they’re not together would help this factor unless a partner is abusive or is hiding hidden agendas.
  2. People will often assume that if someone is ethically nonmonogamous that they’re in a phase or that they hate monogamy. I think that being polyamorous tends to appeal to people who question status quo generally and that monogamy is the norm so it tends to work for most people.

I’ve only read the first part of the book, which is divided into 6 parts total, so it’s probably going to take me some time to digest it. It’s been helpful so far and different than the other four in this genre that I’ve read. I will likely blog about it again.

Until then, I have guitar, bowling, what may be the final walkthrough in the house, climbing, and karaoke. I should have some material to consider by Friday. Cheers, Folks.

Image by wal_172619 from Pixabay
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New one: Fosse (2021)

I found something written recently today (4/23), so I’m reading it. (I finished the book in four days.) It’s by Fosse (2021) and I am now hooked. She is a psychologist and the book is “The Many Faces of Polyamory: Longing and Belonging in Concurrent Relationships.” Much of it is reflections on her practice with couples. Here is a quotation that I particularly liked in the introduction: “At the core, all relationships are about the same issue—a sense of connection and belonging, and hope for a lasting, secure attachment” (p. 2).

I think that the difference, for me anyway, between desire in monogamous and polyamorous relationships is being present and asking questions rather than making assumptions. I was able to take communication for granted when I would see my wife every week, but with a partner who is poly, you have to let go of filling in any details and ask instead gently-phrased questions. You also have to make your needs known directly.

For jealousy, the whole thing seems complex. There were three chapters dedicated to it in the book.

“In polyamory, jealousy is considered a complex phenomenon too, consisting of many underlying emotions and affective states, including sadness, anger, anxiety, insecurity, low self-esteem, possessiveness, territoriality, envy, and fear of abandonment” (p. 67). I felt envy that the climber already has a partner who lives on the West Coast and has been with him off and on for 5-6 years, but then quickly rationalized it. I’ve not even been divorced for a year yet, and wouldn’t have had the opportunity to have something that long because my last marriage wasn’t open. I told the nice guy from work that maybe I could have two Portland women: one from ME and one from WA. Hahahahaha. A good goal though. 🙂

I know that my first ex-mother-in-law always thought it was weird that I did lots of stuff with female friends. I just feel more emotionally close with women. I also know that my ex-wife resented and was jealous of many of my friends and colleagues. Envy makes the most sense to me for jealousy. It’s largely because I’m in transition though: my kid moves out next summer and I’m barely out of a monogamous marriage. These goals with 2-3 partners shall materialize.

Are there often poly structures in female friendships? I think that I get a lot of emotional needs met with my best friend and always have. I talk through pain with friends whom I’ve had for years. It’s not sexual though, but rather close, emotional intimacy. My ex-wife and I shared our past rather quickly and then she would reference my other girlfriends to ensure that I wasn’t as “weird” with them. I am weird. I have elaborate inside jokes that few can follow and like to laugh about really odd things. I wouldn’t necessarily need a partner to act weird with though, and can do odd stuff with family members and some of my friends. Right now I just want some sparks for romantic partners.

The CEO got jealous about all of my friends all of the time. It’s funny because it wasn’t romance, but I’ve had long-term close emotional connections with women. I still have those too. My son and I just had lunch with his godparents and their kids for her birthday (I bought for all six.) and we all had a good connection. She wants to hike a high peak with her husband this summer. I’m not interested any longer in re-summits though. There is no way he’s in shape enough to complete some of the longer ones that I’ve not completed yet. Anyway, I still feel emotionally close to her, but it’s not sexual chemistry. I feel that via good conversations that I’ve had with the climber or the ones during the initial part of the hike with the photographer.

I also read more in Fosse (2021) about how NRE can impact stability and feelings of ease in a long-term relationship with a partner. I can remember being excited to see my best friend and make dinner together for our kids years ago when I was single. I loved it too that I would get closer with colleagues at work, and we’d do stuff together. That always felt so fun to me. Like I wrote earlier, I remember some jealousy from my ex-wife too when I’d hang out with colleagues or my best friend. I think that pushed me in our last few years of marriage to do things solo: join a rope team, do some hikes with our dogs only, etc. Fosse (2021) writes about “companionship and security” which is present in marriages (p. 92). My ex-wife was a companion, but we never honestly had any security. Regardless of her narrative, she was always one foot out with me and sometimes it was literal wherein she lived elsewhere.

Knowing your identity seems to combat this dissention which can be found in another partner. I still think, too, that relinquishing any desire for control and remembering that you can only control what you do is important. I identify as completely solo poly, lesbian, and like the term “relationship anarchy.” I don’t want convention, and rather want to communicate individual needs with each woman. There will be no cohabitation, or mixing of finances. Trips and even dates will be paid for by the person who makes the date or will be decided on before we go out. I don’t want another triad or quad. I’m fine with lots of vees, and I don’t want to hear complaints about anyone from a woman about another partner. I’ve got experience in those things and don’t want repeat mistakes. I don’t want sex without love from me and love from her either. I want to kiss whoever I want and have sex rules with women with whom I’m in love and with whom I am physically and sexually intimate.

A majority of the last part of the book was about unpacking and working through jealousy. The vignettes that the author used were mostly about married couples who opened up their marriages, so it didn’t apply to me. My ex wife wasn’t committed to me in a realistic way. She would have to take long breaks from me or my son all the time. If we’d opened up our marriage, it would have been like many of the vignettes in the text in which the marriage was simply ending anyway so the inevitable was postponed via sharing about NRE within the couple or sometimes falling love with a partner and being monogamous with them and restarting a new monogamous relationship. I guess that could happen to me in a couple vee. I’ll have to work through that stuff if I sleep with a woman in an open marriage. Again, don’t bitch about your husband to me. I’ll exit that date!

“It is possible that polyamory attracts people who are prone to intellectualization, rationalization, and reaction formation as coping strategies. (p. 96).” I’m fine with having defenses that help me get through situations. I’m also pragmatic to a fault. I feel secure to explore now and want to interact. I’m going to ditch kickball and guitar on May 16th and sing karaoke with poly folk, and will blog about that experience fully. I enjoyed this book and now am ready to apply my knowledge getting to know more people who have been poly for years and with whom I can hopefully have close friendships.

Image by iqbal nuril anwar from Pixabay