Category Archives: Winter 23/24

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Dental Emergency / Going to an Indie Film

I have told myself that I won’t say no to anything social. It means that I’ll drag myself anywhere that I’ve been invited. I went to the movies with Vegan yesterday and the movie was, well, quite odd. I bought tickets for a 3:30 showing of the film and told Vegan that we’d meet there Friday. However, I hadn’t expected what happened with my health.

I have a good enough immune system that I don’t get sick enough to miss work. I have worked a few half days and taken off an hour twice, but that has been mostly due to my loathing being in my other building just meeting rather than conducting my work with clients. I had this persistent sinus infection for a long time which infiltrated the roof of my mouth and teeth. The swelling got so bad yesterday that I realized that I needed to see my dentist. The gums were sore to the touch and all of my teeth hurt.

The dental assistant was having a lot of trouble with the computer for my x-rays. I think it likely needed software updates. When she finally projected pictures you could see the swelling on the left side of my teeth and face. When the dentist came in she hit each of my back teeth with a little metal mallet. EXCURIATING on the tooth in question. “I have to open the tooth and drain the infection now. Then, I’m referring you to the endodontist.” Lovely. It’s being 49 and it’s time for a root canal.

She had to take intraoral pictures next. I was probably in three different chairs for 45-minutes. Finally, the dental assistant put the numbing agent in my mouth so that I could start drooling. That is always super fun. Probably another five-minutes elapsed and she gave me my shot. Then my dentist saw a crack. So, we got up to go back to the place where the interior camera was and she took one more shot, and that’s when she showed me a crack from one side to the other and the crossing of the root. 😦

The dentist filed my tooth down to practically nothing and put glue on it. I have to see a specific dental specialist the week of the 25th for an extraction. Apparently, he will put a screw in the place where tooth #14 was and then it will heal over until July 1st when my dentist will build an implant. Fun. 10-days of amoxicillin.

I paid my $72 co-pay and hightailed out of there. I got to the theater with three-minutes to spare and Vegan gave me a side hug and joked about my tooth. All should have been well, but one of the characters gets his teeth knocked out–violently. I didn’t have any experience with the actress in the lead until the movie, and I generally liked the strange film. It evoked Tarantino and the video “Human Behaviour” by Bjork for me. Vegan was horrified. I didn’t know that she couldn’t tolerate any violence and is not a fan of dark humor. Can someone let me know what they think of “Love Lies Bleeding?” Did anyone see it after going to the dentist? Hehe.

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Women

Introduction

When I was a kid, I didn’t really have female friends. Right now, I don’t have very many male friends except at work. I spent all day Sunday with different women, one of whom, I have just met and want to develop a closer friendship.

Sunday Morning

I took a super long walk with one of my son’s ex’s Moms yesterday. We actually wound up walking nearly 7-miles. In terms of weights, I think that I did four machines instead of my typical amount afterward because I was really sore from boxing the day before. (I can hit two of the machines missed tonight after my normal Monday cardio.) When I got home, I should’ve cooked and cleaned, but it was so warm that I wanted to prowl around a little.

Afternoon

There is a new gay bar close to our capitol, so I parked a bit away from it and walked there to get even more sunshine. I was probably there 2-minutes. The lesbian scene here is pretty limited really. The gay man scene is not. That bar was packed, but there wasn’t a single woman in it so I felt completely out of place. I walked to the bar where we used to have flip cup. Savoring those brussels sprouts–even if they’re a third of the size that they were in the fall–was worth it. I drank a Lone Star and sent the picture to my BFF in San Antonio.

Family Karaoke on Second Sundays

I thought that the bar had a show. That is how good the woman was who was singing. I talked with the bartender for a couple of minutes who told me that Second Sundays are now karaoke. The KJ came over to me, hugged me, and said, “Are you going to sing tonight?” I said that I probably would. There was a couple–I thought–at the table in front of me. I felt awkward at a high top behind them in the otherwise nearly empty bar so I thought, “What the hell?” Laughing internally when I found out that she has the same name as the Realtor, she let me sit down. She and her family had great voices.

Hanging out with a Mom

I don’t meet any women who let their hair grey, but hers is probably more grey than mine, and she highlights it differently. She is the climber’s age, has six kids–four of whom were there–and was friendly. Nice blue eyes and fun to talk to, so I was glad that I asked if it was ok that I joined their table. She then told me her coming out story. I was very interested in it. The thing is that her marriage is closed. However, when I thanked her for telling me it, she grabbed my hand. Given the green light, I hugged her before I left and gave her a card. In 2008, I had cards made with my first name, cell and email. They simply say, “Email, call or text.” She gave me a business card. I told her that if she’d like to do a happy hour some time I am game. I explained that I’m good with boundaries and don’t want her husband to murder me, so I wouldn’t touch her. She laughed and said, “Yes, good call.” It’s so crazy how realizing how good it feels to connect gives you a boost. My mood was great yesterday. I’ll email her at the beginning of next month to hang out and keep good boundaries. I put ethics above everything with the way in which I conduct myself.

Monday Morning

Today I have to run a safety protocol meeting at my other site. That means that I get out of the hideous and worthless afternoon meeting. Bonus! I texted the nice guy and climber that I’d have to drive in solo because I’m leaving three-hours early. I texted the climber that I love her company and she could feel free to ride in with me in the morning and then hop in with the nice guy in the afternoon. She has just texted back, and I’m excited to ride in with her. I am going to feed the pets (in the dark) and then shower and walk my dogs. I hate this time of year with daylight savings time and waking up when it’s pitch black. It’s so stupid to not have left the time change in April, but I guess that people have to stay out buying things that they don’t need. I guess that I, myself, went out from 4-7 last night, but I had a ton of fun and it was nice to socialize.

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Grow

I’ve known the climber for nearly 6 years. Our relationship started to change significantly in the fall of 2022 when she took me climbing. I think that it’s growing and I know my attachment to her is too. Seasonal change is upon us, and I know that I’m reflecting on her and whatever “us” is.

It’s getting on toward spring now and I’m so happy about it. I hope that we have a spring and it doesn’t just start getting beastly hot. I used to train practitioners in suicide protocols. Did you know that spring is the time that people die by suicide most frequently? I’m happiest in spring, so maybe that means that I always have something to look forward to annually. I don’t know.

Commute

End of a friendship: The nice guy gives excuses instead of commuting with me. One time he confirmed and when I got in my car to go to his house he called and said that he needed to go to the dispensary after work. Yesterday, it was that he needed to go to work early to set up. It’s ok. I think he’ll just fade out of my life after spring. I won’t see him unless he’s walking his dogs and I’m biking.

The climber (Batman) wanted to leave early and ride with me. However, my dogs take forever to walk now so when I got her text, it was late, and I texted that I’d try to get there at 7:20 and she said that she’d just come to me.

She had completed a super long inventory for one of our clients for me so I made her a toasted bagel sandwich (egg, cheddar, spinach) and washed some blueberries for her. She said that I didn’t have to do that because it was her job. I also had a cup of coffee for her too, and this time had vanilla protein milk which is a good substitute for creamer, I think.

We planned the end of our book on our drive to our building. She had a great idea regarding changing the art with the turning point of the protagonist. The main character is like me as a child and now I think that she’s adding elements of her to the character. It’s beautiful actually. I’m excited. We talked about our parents a little bit and she wasn’t tired and we were able to chat the entire time. The commute is pretty mundane after we get out of our neighborhood–it’s complete with a long stretch of city traffic and then two awful highways complete with poor rush hour drivers. Conversation between she and I certainly breaks up the monotony.

Riding Home

She talked a lot about work. She said because it was the last leg before summer term–a term that neither she or I work–it was a good use of time. I said, “I had you all to myself in the car and we mostly talked about work!” She laughed. She planned the final page of our book and said she’d sketch before she did her ice climb workout that she does every Monday.

When we got to my driveway she said, “Thank you for driving. I love your company. I’m so excited to sketch,” and she was lingering by her door. I put my lunchbox, backpack and jacket down. She walked around the front of my car and embraced me tight. We both took deep breaths. I kissed her cheek.

I said that I would be starting breath work, which is concentrating deeply on your breath and moving it in a guided fashion through your body with a guide. I had mentioned previously that all the talk therapy that I’ve done has run its course. I said that when she gave me feedback about not breathing, I knew that was some work that I should do. She said, “You weren’t breathing at all!” I said, “You make my heart race!” She said, “You really like to make me blush!” I said, “While that’s true, right now, I’m just being honest.”

I like this slow and somewhat deliberate expansion between Batman and I ❤ She is part of what I’m thinking about and hopeful for this spring.

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Repairs

I think that I’m renewing my energy. I have a new house loan. I am doing electrical work. I have a new cooler. I’ll have wall insulation in my kitchen and two back bedrooms. We have a neighbor family texting system that I used to find an electrician and begin learning some electric stuff with the help of my neighbor.

Electrical Work

The electrician rewired the basement so that now in my son’s old room the switches just work and are powered. You no longer have to turn on the switch on the west side of the Rec Room. He’s going to make a junction box exchange to the solar box so that the old and defunct Federal Pacific brand breaker box doesn’t function. It’s not that breakers flip all the time or anything, but rather that it’s archaic and not completely grounded. I want a safe house with no risk of fire. Federal Pacific only makes commercial products these days. The electrician also switched out 10 outlets in my house today. He had to replace two switches entirely–one of which had been grounded by the old contractor who remodeled my kitchen in 2004. The electrician explained that 85% of my house is grounded, so it’s really more of a matter of getting a majority of my switches changed to Ground-Fault Circuit Interrupter (GFCI) ones. Two in my bedroom had no boxes and were hanging basically, so he had to use new boxes altogether to get those outlets to be GFCI. He’ll be back next Saturday to make the new panel and hook it via a junction box to the breaker that has the solar panels working.

Cooler

I have a new contractor who is great. He had done work on sheetrock, a broken door, and rehung a mirror with tasteful metal clips. He installed a new evaporative cooler on Saturday. All of it, which will include summer setup was under $2500. I’d been quoted 10k for that in 2022 and suffered last summer with no cooler at all. The Realtor told me that she knew of a company who could do it for 7k. I’m so grateful that I’ve found this contractor and his company so I could shave $4500 or more off of that price!

Insulation

Years ago some mice got inside my garage and went inside some walls. It was gross. I have blown in extra insulation 2-3 times, but my house is still really cold. You can feel cold air rushing out of the bottoms of my kitchen cabinets and plates and mugs feel like ice when you take them out. I have given to warming them in the oven before I serve dinner. I’ve found an insulation company that will take out all the old fiberglass, clean and sanitize the attic, seal all the rafters, joists, seams, and baffles in my roof, install a reflective eshield, blow in new insulation to the max level, and then fill the walls in the bedrooms and around the cabinets with fiberglass from the attic down. It’s going to be so much warmer in the morning and no more cold dishes or mugs!

Learning some electric

We’d had a metal ceiling plate with two lightbulb fixtures in it with wires and a pretty dragonfly light fixture in the linen closet for many years. Electricity scares me. My neighbor across the street is the son of an electrician. Today, he came over and showed me how to remove a ceiling plate and expose wires and taught me what a plastic nut for electrical wires is. He wired in the new ceiling plate, shortened the middle nut, tightened it in and then got the new light fixture installed. He did it in 10-minutes. The nice thing is that although it will take me an hour to repeat it, I can help my colleague who almost died get a new plate in fixture in her daughter’s room now. I may surprise her at the end of the month with that as I’m no longer going to travel for a vacation.

Gratitude

I’m so happy to have my own house loan. I’m so glad that my bedroom won’t be cold in the winter and hot in the summer after Friday. I am over-the-moon with the prospect of room temperature plates and mugs. I’m so glad to have a fair contractor that I trust. I’m so happy about my new electrician. I’m going to make dinner for my neighbor (son of the electrician) and his wife right now. I’m going to buy some kosher alcohol for my neighbors who recommended this electrician. I found three pairs of jeans in great shape at two different thrift stores yesterday and they fit me perfectly! I had a good round of weights today. I’m bowling with the gay league again starting on the 11th. I’m going to write a thank you note to the angel that helped me when I was almost t-boned. I forgot to mention that the body shop has finally said that they’ll make my broken mirror right after I wrote on Google about it having noticed that they also didn’t replace my spoiler over my oil pan at all and it’s now off-kilter and has a noticeable hole. Again, my energy is renewing!

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48 Hours

I used to watch those when I’d get back to my room when I was on a solo vacation. Detectives had to make quick investigative moves within the initial exploration of a crime and there would be a countdown timer running to break up scenes and visually illustrate how cold a trail can go if you don’t have major lead for crime within two days. The climber gives me feedback, has dinner with me, we look at two published books which fit best the genre that we’re writing in, she talks about being excited to sketch, we cuddle on the couch and talk for probably nearly two hours, later we kiss awhile too in the bedroom, she goes home to her partner, I work all day the next day and learn about affirming transgender youth, have fraud on my debit card, go to dinner with Aquarius and Ballet Dancer, get up today, am going to box, do a bit of the guitar class and go to our old haunt for bowling. Whew.

Love Life Progression

She had something really intense happen in her household. She had to support, drive around, and then did make it over. Initially she said that she didn’t really want to talk about it, and then she told me details. I held her incredibly tight. When I said, “I’m shocked that you’re here,” she said, “You of all people are someone who understands these things.” She said that she needed distraction, so I opened good tequila, and we had that and the taco soup that I made. I cleared the dishes and we looked at the pages. She gave me some feedback and I took notes. Then I said that we should sit down. I got her a blanket and we were talking. My terrier was in between us and I said that she was a cuddle buzzkill because I am mostly legs and she’s really muscular so our torsos aren’t a perfect fit sideways on a love seat. She moved my dog, pivoted sideways and I slid behind her. We talked like that for probably close to two-hours.

There is a huge shift since the end of January wherein I told her that I don’t know her well. She offers a lot to me. She also converses with me back and forth when I ask questions. It feels so much different than it ever has. She told me that she watches my hands on the steering wheel and I told her that her ears are the cutest ones that I have ever seen and I look at them when her hair is up. We both said that we could probably comment on hands and ears because the nice guy would be asleep in the back of the car anyway. She can do this thing where if she has contact with your upper body that she can match the pace of your breathing. Later I laid on her chest and she said, “What are you doing?” I said, “Sorry, laying on you like this makes my heart race!” She said, “You’re barely breathing.” Later she asked if she could kiss me and I said, “Of course.” I hope that helped my breathing!

No more talk therapy for me personally

The Rower has a crush on a woman who does an alternate trauma treatment. It’s called breath work. She cried for two hours once in a session. I think that I’ll do some. I also want to start supervised psychedelic treatment. I’m so sick of anxiety and disrupted sleep. I would like to work on the way that I breathe and carry myself.

My son wants to move back home. I really don’t want him here. I’ve had almost 7-months of empty nesting and am perfectly fine seeing him once a week. He also has this prince thing wherein he has expectations of meals and such all the time. I find that I can’t be around someone who cannot follow a schedule. How can watching some gamer that you don’t know beat a video game on YouTube for hours on end be fulfilling? He also has stopped moving and says that he is reluctant to have his fellow students work on him because of the state of his body. Why do you only eat food out of boxes and bags then? I’m writing this stuff, but will be diplomatic on Monday night about it. He just can’t simply move back home because now that he’s in school, and it’s hard to do school and live with his Dad. I’m very sorry that his father is an alcoholic and binge drinker. That does suck. I also am not a servant who you get to say “F-U” to constantly.

In terms of the theme of this entry, I think that I’m making progress. Maybe this entry is more like 49-years? It’s taken me this long to get solid about what I truly want and where I’m going.

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Connections

I’ve been to the art museum and the ballet with my new friend now. A few times last night I caught myself looking at her body. It’s funny, because I don’t feel a pull to kiss her or embrace close. We have great conversations and enjoyed expensive dinner and the ballet. We’ll likely see each other again soon. I explained that I don’t want strict ruled based partnerships and she told me that likely it was related to having just gotten out of my marriage and I told her that it was related to my returning to my native state. I just feel more comfortable in the magic moments with women and then having my jobs, pets, cardio, weights, boxing, climbing and guitar lessons be my side of my life. I also have creative time scheduled now. I’m going to write a prologue and epilogue today for the book.

I’m finishing “Solo: Building your own Remarkable Life.” If you’ve never listened to the podcast, it’s all new information. I’m enjoying most the small snippets about the author’s life. I think that is a ciswoman thing. Like Carol Gilligan (1982) wrote women are relational. Anyway, he writes about sexual friendships. I wonder if that is the way that I lean. I don’t know really. I know that barring any horrid emergency, no one at all can live in my house and I don’t want to blend any finances.

I’ve been transferring money out of my son’s 529c for school. I started a spreadsheet to give to my accountant next spring. I’m so glad that he’s going to school. He plays video games, looks at his phone, and hangs out with his girlfriend. This round of school will serve as evidentiary support regarding to whether or not he can set and reach goals. I don’t know, but am hopeful.

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Gearing up

I’m going to work with the climber for a couple of hours the week after next on our book. I’m looking forward to her feedback and seeing her illustrations. I told her that I’m also amenable to story changes. I want to have a couple of pictures out too, because I’m a little married to the idea of a couple of scenes that are autobiographical, so I want to show her the context of them when I was growing up and a child. I’m interested in her childhood too. We should add some elements from hers.

She and I commuted without the guy from work on Monday. I was talking to her about my dog and then my Dad. I said, “It’s going to be much more difficult to lose my dog than it was my Dad. I think that you know that my Dad was abusive.” She was pretty quiet. I told her that I’d done 5-years of analysis and it fixed everything and I was able to show up for everything until he died of COVID. I didn’t really grieve him per se, and made peace with all the yelling, some limited hitting and aggression, and also intimidation. I did what was right. I didn’t give these specifics that I’m writing about here, but left it at “abusive” and making peace with my childhood. Finally, I said, “I don’t want you to feel like my therapist. I want to make sure that it’s ok that you know these things about me.” She said that I know her well too, and I said, “I don’t feel like I know you very well. I just want you to feel comfortable with me when I share.”

I took her home because she doesn’t have a car right now and sometimes borrows her partner’s car. We wished each other well and we have a time and day scheduled after work on the 15th for our book. I still get fluttery with her, but I don’t make any moves because I don’t know what is on or off the table with respect to her partner and don’t want to be disrespectful. I don’t know either if she has another partner currently. Regardless, she is smart and a brilliant artist and I’m so glad to get the book going!

I went to a book launch on Thursday and it was nice. I was incredibly tired though. I left right after it was over because I had already socialized with my friend (The author who I see when I go to the co-ed discussion group.) and met a new friend. The new friend lives near me, so when I go to this group again, I’ll text her to see if she’d like me to pick her up. I’m going to the Women’s Discussion group at the end of the month. My friend who leads it is out of town with her family currently, so I’m going to bring whey protein to drink because the other facilitator doesn’t do any food.

I have my car back. It looks like a cyclops. I have a man who restores headlights on luxury cars coming to my house today to work on the passenger headlight. I’ll have to move out all of my bikes. I’m bringing my Mountain Bike inside. It’s really rainy today. It feels like April. I’m so glad to be out of the monstrous rental car with front wheel drive. It was terrible and really noisy with actual bells and whistles. It barely fit in my garage!

I got the door of my hall closet repaired. I got the sheetrock in the entryway to my basement repaired too. Oddly, right before the potluck the mirror above my stairs fell. It didn’t break and was lodged onto the cat perch where they eat and drink. The paint behind it was bright white. Who paints a house and tapes over a mirror? So careless and lazy! The contractors textured the wall, painted primer over it, and hung the mirror with subtle metal clips. The next project is finding three nice door knobs, painting all the doors, and painting the stairwell where I had a new retractable gate installed. I’ll have the painter also paint behind the mirror in the same color and match the paint that is on most of the accent wall behind my hutch. I want to do projects in my house now that I am alone in it.

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Slog

Being dedicated in difficult situations–it’s been a really long time since I’ve written here. I have been in a rental car for a month this weekend. I have front wheel drive, which is truly hideous when it snows. I fishtail off of lights in snowpack that has ice under it. I also dropped off my car on the 15th–finally–because that is when they could take it in and had to walk and bus to get home. I had to wait for the first and second bus and didn’t bother with the third because it was too cold to wait for it. The rental car was in my garage. 6-below was no joke. I definitely realized after walking the last 2.56-miles that I could never be an alpinist. Mad respect for those folks though. I took off my snow pants and had purple legs.

I couldn’t even stay at work on Monday. I saw all five clients and then took 4-hours of sick leave. When I came home, I began scrubbing the kitchen. That included sitting on the floor and scrubbing the bevel and the lip under the counter where it meets the cabinets. I also cleaned the backsplashes completely too. I used the hours wisely and felt like who I could be if I could work half-days.

My son turns 18 tomorrow. I think that he’s been in a hotel for days with his girlfriend. He has spotty cell service. I’ll see him a bit on Sunday. He starts school midway through February. I think that he’ll make the same choices that I did. He’ll marry as a child–I was 23–and divorce at some point. I wonder if he’ll remarry as I did.

Vegan is so kind to me. I just don’t like her in a romantic way. The Climber is a massive flirt and I plan to show her briefly the book on the 29th. I’m glad that she’ll illustrate it for me. I will likely meet some new women on Saturday. I will tally how many come to the potluck.

Sunday I have to grade and draw a little bit. I’ll be coming off of the buzz in my house and all the overheard conversation porn. I hope that women make good connections in my home.

This beach moves under your feet and makes hills that are like snowbanks. The PNW is also no joke.
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Review / Renew

Goals from 372 days ago were:

  1. Calm and cool
  2. Spend less
  3. Do you
  4. Lift like a girl
  5. Healthy alcohol consumption
  6. Get big
  7. Love / Connect / Lead with Heart
  8. Sing
  9. Play guitar

With the exception of some massive bursts of anger, I did it all. I couldn’t do #1 while being jerked around by the contractors who were fixing the house to ready it for sale. However, that could’ve been worse. During New Year’s Eve conversation a woman who is new to told me that hers and her now ex-husband had 30k in hail damage to their house, so their proceeds are still not settled. I just have to pay capital gains taxes and close Probate and then I’ll set up an Estate for my son. Easy-peasy, but boy did I lose it off and on all summer!

I went to the woman’s house who typically leads our Discussion Group for a NYE party. This is the women’s Discussion Group. So fun. She did have the desire for me to start dating the writer, but I don’t want to. She’s fairly quiet, has very crooked teeth that are in need of cleaning, and I just want her to be in my friends circle. She’ll come to my potluck. I’m actually very attracted to the woman who leads our group. Her husband said that I should sleep with her and he should sleep with their dog. The latter was really scared about the NYE fireworks. I thought that it was a nice offer, but I had to get home to my dogs who had pooped in the house. 

I worked 4-days last week. I’m also finally laying out the children’s book that I’ve wanted to write for 5-6 years. I have another idea for another book too. You’re supposed to have an agent. I want the climber to illustrate it for us. I texted her about it today, and it would be great to have it completed in draft to hand to her on Monday. We commuted with the nice guy to work and one of her partners picked her up after work as he needed her to drive him to the airport. I’m so glad that she is partnered with an elite athlete. It’s nice to be with someone that you have ton in common with! She sent a group text to me and two colleagues for the New Year, and I didn’t get it for an hour-and-a-half because I was leaving the house party. I’m also leaving that assignment for my job starting in the fall. I don’t want to have any toxic bosses.

  1. Say “Yes” to social obligations
  2. Box more
  3. Climb more
  4. Practice guitar 5-minutes + per day
  5. Publish a children’s book
  6. Sing daily
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Ranking

“Open” was wonderful. (I’m on a memoir kick right now, as I’d read “A Serial Killer’s Daughter” and am currently reading “The Snipers We Couldn’t See.” I did read “Lessons in Chemistry” last month too, but it was just my quick jaunt into fiction for a moment in time.) This particular memoir covers multiple years of a primary relationship which had iterations of monogamy, poly-mono, swinging and also some ranked relationships with some friendship between a few of the metamours.

I can recommend this memoir absolutely. Rachel Krantz’s narrative is vulnerable and raw. I think, too, that I could relate to being a secondary partner by reading her reflections. I’m absolutely going to listen to her podcast today. 

When I was with Motor Cycle Woman, who I just can’t call the drunk anymore, I became her secondary partner. I was fine with it too. What I wasn’t fine with was feeling energy from her primary all the time and I think it was mostly due to me knowing so many things about her primary. We never met and I never actually saw her–not even a picture. Motor Cycle Woman used me like a therapist really. She was seeing all kinds of women for months and then settled on me and her primary. 

I know that Motor Cycle Woman eventually subbed her out and made me primary. That was when she went back to monogamy too. Likely the only reason she did that was because at the time I wanted an escalator relationship and she moved 6 states away. She was only poly for 2-3 years. I do struggle generally with people who say that it’s just lifestyle. From my experience it’s like sexuality and is wiring. 

I had a good conversation with her last November or December, and then when I talked to her again in the dead of winter I was on speaker in her and her wife’s car and the conversation sucked. I wonder how she views her intimate relationships now, but I won’t find out because I have no contact with her. I can assume some though as when I changed my FB profile picture she did the thumbs up like it along with 65 other people. I guess although I’m pushing 50, a black cocktail dress and heels is still sexy.

The year is coming to a close. I’m thinking about my next decade. Half a century.

I think that the women who I know currently would consider me secondary or very loosely tertiary like a satellite or comet. One may not consider me at all at present because we had one very good conversation and haven’t seen each other again although we were drawn to each other. I want to be really careful as I enter into relationships so as to avoid completely the therapeutic component. Meeting metamours would help. I think that I’d just listen and not encourage or make comments at all. Then, I’d like to say what I know from my recent experiences and perspective. I don’t think my experiences with non-ethical non-monogamy in high school and college are part of the current conversation. There are elements of primacy and rank that I’d like to talk through.