Tag Archives: Song lyrics

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“Though I may be going down, I’ll take the flame over burning out”

Wow.  I have never, ever, had lovemaking anything like this or have I been completely looked through by a woman.  She knows where I am and it overwhelms me; although, she is more likely to accuse me of being “sappy,” when I get emotional, because what she wants is only immediacy, except when we are in the the throws of passion and she tells me that it better be her that it’s like this with and it sure as hell is!  I’m pretty sure that I’m going to get my heart broken.  Dashed, slammed, ripped out and served to no one in particular, because mine is hers when she didn’t even ask for it.

So, what will I get?  Dating for awhile until she completely breaks up with me and waiting for that noose whose hangman I tempted when I was sure that she was in love with another girl and completely enmeshed with another who still needed her although she has a new relationship with an unlikely character.  I was terrified of what I had done.  I had fallen in love with a woman who I didn’t even know.  I had made out with her and wanted so much more, as we shared dreams and visions.  We are so compatible.  I think that it’s time that I work through what she says is my ultimate untrustworthy act.  I’m going to, but I think it’s a safe place to go back to, because she can say that I did it all and did not include her in my thinking, which while true, she has told me since then that I’m her one, she wants me to be hers, and that we have it.  Until just before the holidays when she got re-triggered and now she ALWAYS goes back to an early fall exchange.  Ultimately, she gets triggered now, and then she references this dark place because she knows it and it’s safe in a way.  She can control the trajectory and say that it’s because of what I did.

Here goes.  Been waiting too long.  Have a microbrew and I need to do it now or I’ll chicken out again.

So I did it, and frankly it FREAKED me out.  The phrase is not in the exchanges.  It’s simply not there.  There is also an e-mail in which I explained that I didn’t withdraw, but rather was protecting my heart.  Then there are exchanges after that in which she concedes that I was just protecting myself and she is in that mode now too.  So, why would she go back there if it was sorted and I never really said it anyway?  Last night I was reeling in hurt and anger.  So, I went out and had some laughs.  I reread page, after page of e-mails, and was baffled before I went to bed late last night.

I’m sorry, but I slept on it–which I’m so proud that I did, but if we can’t put it to rest particularly when the phrases is not in the exchanges and then I explained where I was emotionally, which at that point was accepted, then I can’t do this right now.  I just can’t.  Yesterday when I left, I felt like my soul got ripped out when she said that we don’t have to have any heavy discussions or figure out forever.  Ouch.  Especially after the passionate exchanges.  Too much back and forth, and I can’t navigate it.  I could totally do this type of casual stuff with an FB, but I cannot do it with my one.  I’m going to listen to that Ingrid Michaelson song again.

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Convergence in Threes

I have always believed that circumstances occur in threes and that they are moving together to form a union.  I have taken lessons from my personal theory of convergence.  Two-years ago, I was FURIOUS with my most recent ex, I saw the woman who I believe to be my one, and I was talking with the woman who broke my heart.  I asked her this weekend what that meant and she said, “Past, present, and future.”  The thing is that the latter is not definite.  Your future is only what lies right in front of you and what you are dealing with currently.  You can make plans and you can always hold out for hope, but you only have now.  Kabat-Zinn has it right!

I want to be with her.  I want to raise our sons.  I would like to have another child too.  Have I mentioned–perhaps in this entry–that I’m NOT Buddhist.  Boy, I’m not.

The thing is that we have the connection thing and our intimate life is earth-shattering and has the making of what could last because of our similarities.  That fact yields more desire and passion than either of us know what to do with and winds up being difficult during our busy weeks.  We certainly are not free from desire.  And we are both strong women.

We talked out in complete the whole misconception that we had at the end of September.  We may not have conceded that the other was right, but we met in the middle, didn’t get bogged down in detail, and made a plan for how we could move forward if we were emotionally triggered or had fears that lead to any problems with our connection.

I want to be honest, that Sunday nights are actually shit.  I sit here and want to be back in bed with her, smell her skin, stroke her long hair and kiss her cheeks and forehead.  She makes the little things warm and connected, and when she and I talk for the final time each night, and I hear fatigue in her voice, it tears up my soul to not be able to run her a bath, light the candle that I got for her and make her a new playlist with songs like “Answer” on them to let her know that I will always keep the balance.  That is something for all of my drawbacks that I can do.

So, I want to get married.  I want to raise kids and have one more.  We are back to the illustrious three, which typifies all unions, imho.  She and I though are not converging, but I still hold hope that we will take this year to see what we have and if we can make sense of these events that have not been random, but were there so we could really meet rather than seeing each other across a wine bar when she had a girlfriend, I was in a bizarre love triangle, and a woman who I had not slept with in over two-years (back in 2010) held more of my attention that night than she should have.  I want to find my pattern of three that leads us to where we are supposed to be.

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Fucking up

We of course continued our fervent e-mailing, which was now punctuated with calls and texts.  I will be the first to admit that it was obsessive and consuming.  I had not felt remotely like this in four-years, and the thing was that we had simply made out and not gotten physical.  She knows women for about 6-months before the deed.  I was working an angle for splitting the difference.  I was falling fast, and I have never done that.  I always let things grow organically and don’t force anything.  I wanted her and knew that she was one of a kind for real.  Never have been exposed to a woman like her, and don’t think that I ever will be.

Two of my friends were really concerned.  I had been a wreck of a person for nearly a year in 2008, and they were freaking out somewhat.  Here is what happened for me at that time:

“So, we texted a little bit that night, and I didn’t sleep at all.  Nary a wink for a night, which would be what the next four months would mostly be like for my sleep, which also meant that although I had already lost 19-pounds that fall that I would loose another 8 and you’d be able to count the ribs in my back.  I was only able to sleep in four hour stretches from that point forward until spring came” (me, 2010, written about 12/2007).

My friends didn’t want to see that girl again.  This woman who I had fallen in love with from afar and avoided like the plague for over 2-years consumed a fall and part of winter for me in terms of an affair.  The aftermath was worse than that song by Tricky.  Of course, our fling and what would become of my coming out affair was inevitable.  When she freaked, we had an odd month, and started the following New Year as distant as the sides of a canyon.  So, two of my friends were wigging somewhat because I was falling quickly.  This situation was so different though; although, I had a recent break-up.  That one was eight-months in the making though, and I was glad to be completely freed of her.

My new love had some entanglements too.  A recent partnership had broken up and not been physical at all for just two months, and she had a week-long fling with a woman who fell for her.  Learning about the latter freaked me out, and then those feelings combined with my friends’ concerns, resulted in my sending a casual, slow down e-mail.  It was a sucky thing to do when everything else had been so hot–the texts and e-mails.  It put the halt on “us” and really fucked things up.  It has veiled all as well.  You can’t take back what you write or say.  Accountability can bite when you fuck up.

It took us two days to get partially on track.  I say partially, because when you do that stop-start thing, you really can alter your course even with your one.  We decided to keep our original date, but there was some hesitation throughout the night.  Things got way better after we had a late dinner and went to a buddy’s restaurant for a glass of wine.  She let me hold her hand and had embraced me when she walked in with me.  We had a great talk in there and were much more loosened up overall.  When we went back out into the warm late fall night we held hands again and hers felt perfect in mine.  She opened my car door, and then she closed it.  We kissed and it got really hot.  The night almost ended and she took me back to my car in hers.  Then she looked at me and said, “Drive back with me?”  What a change of events and best end to my fuck up.

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Post Holiday Blues

I’m soooo tired.  Of course, my gf is a badass and I wanted to work out with her, so I did late morning, but I can feel lots of things hurting and am fatigued.  I also rode my bike to the Post Office, which was difficult given the snow that has not melted or is rather in a state of mixed slush and powder.  I get in this malaise-ridden state anyway when we part and don’t have concrete plans for several days.  I just miss her, but know that we need to ride this journey for a full turn of the calendar.  I don’t think that it should be sooner than that, because it does take a year to know someone completely; although, I do consent that new things come up given the tumultuous nature of life in general.  This quote is what I used to believe about love:

“How the hell would you know anything that you are doing with another person, except for having good sex or something, until tons of time passes?  You would not even be able to tell if you are compatible for a relationship!” (me, 2009).

I also believed some very odd things about relationships:

“A level of trust exists when I do sleep with someone.  I am detaching from intensity in emotion and recognizing when I am triggered by a girl’s actions or words.  I acknowledge it, don’t judge it, and then make space for it.  I’m not sure if long-term relationships work for me, or if it is in my path to have one.” (me, 2009).

You can know a lot about a person in addition to great sex immediately when you have a connection, but the thing is that level of connection IS intense.  There is not a way to detach from those types of emotions and you will be triggered.  I think that it is the whole thing with still letting time pass.  I’m afraid that is all that I have retained from my old ideas about love and relationship.

I can tell myself, too, some lessons that my four-years of dating has yielded.  They are 1) You can have a thunderbolt that is not lust, 2) you can find someone who wants the same things that you do, 3) you can feel some compatibility if you are open to watching and listening with your whole heart, and 4) you never do know your path, but saying that you are not cut out for a long-term relationship will limit your journey.

I actually just said that through my friends and new connections that my partner would grow.  Never expected to meet her the day after I went back to church, but I did.  I am cut out for a long-term relationship, but I have to do lots of work before I can show up as I am meant to and have a partner.  Right now, I just want to keep on keeping on with my girlfriend.

Again, I’m tired.  Bone tired.  I have the ability to work on neglected things in my house for 10-hours tomorrow.  So, I’m going to proofread, publish, finish this wonderful microbrew, and then start my work on “The Power of Two,” which in this case is not an Indigo Girls song, but is rather a book that I know will help me on my path.  I think tomorrow I will begin to tell my love story.