Tag Archives: Boundary

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Eviction Proceedings

If you’ve read me this year or in year’s past, you know that I have one spawn.

He’ll be 20 in January.

So, he’s an adolescent.

As they go, he’s pretty average.

Therein lies the issues. I don’t want to clean up after him anymore or watch him trash out his space and even his car.

Until yesterday, I drove a 2006. He has a 2019 that is paid off (I paid it off) and I insure it and he trashes it out. It is often like a trash can.

On Wednesday last week he told me that he was going out of town.

When he got up on Thursday to shower and came upstairs I asked where he was going and he said, “To my grandparents. You know this! I told you!”

I told him that had to stop because he tells his GF and friends things and then tends to assume that he told me.

We had a deal this month. He was to pick up his room and take things to Goodwill and sell other things that he isn’t using. He had time to himself when I was in Boston to do so.

His room is disgusting.

I am missing dinner forks and rectangular small glass containers. They could be in his room or at his job, and I don’t think that I’m ever getting them back.

My blood boiled when I saw things piled in the furnace room again a few feet from the hot water heater. I’m just done living with someone who is entitled and disrespectful.

I sent him pictures yesterday and said that he needs to get out in January.

On February 1st, I’ll be changing all of my locks and also the key code to the hide-a-key.

Via text he said that there is no way that he can save up 10k in two months. The main reason for that is because he pounds fast food constantly. He’s pretty obese atm. And he was fit through most of high school. I do understand that the pandemic reeked havoc on all of us, but he doesn’t meet anyone halfway:

  1. Follow a schedule
  2. Make some meals
  3. Walk a bit
  4. Have conversations with me
  5. Keep his two spaces clean

I realized that because he only went to massage school that he still has about ten-thousand dollars in his ESA that I made and contributed to. I told him that I didn’t know how much tax he’d owe, but that he can meet with the advisor and get it out. It’s his. That’s all that I’m willing to do going forward. I still insure him for health, dental and his car. I’d buy food for him if he schedules and shops WITH me.

I’m looking for conversation here. I feel badly about it. I do know that he has to leave though and may wind up couch surfing…

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Limit

I’m Solo Poly. There have been many times that we have discussed in groups that I belong to a rule, a limit and a boundary. People confuse them.

Rules are societal standards. You can’t yell “Fire” at the movies.

Rules in relationships are things like, “I cooked,” so you’ll clean the kitchen and start the dishwasher. They don’t typically apply to things that can’t be easily understood. Rules are almost perfectly black and white.

Boundaries are a lot more confusing. It’s like pushing on something that has been discussed and agreed to prior. It’s like saying, “I’ve asked you not to talk about money when we’re in social situations, and you did last night. I don’t want you to go back on the boundary that I’ve set for that topic.”

I’m setting a limit with _____. I haven’t done it yet, because she and I actively had some conflict.

We’d DM’ed most of the evening before when she and I rescheduled a video date and exchanged a few in the afternoon and then she went silent around 2:00 pm.

I sent a message that said, “5:00. Don’t fall asleep. Or go out to dinner. I can’t wait to see you on video.”

“I’ll try, darling.”

I video called at 5, 6, and 7.

In the morning, I sent an old school text. “I tried you 3x. I am not into a lack of specific communication. Feel free to come to _______ on 8/31 if you’d like to meet in person.”

Then I didn’t send anything.

And she freaked out.

Work was trying and busy the following day. We are missing two folks in assistant positions. It’s like a day treatment position for me. I also had to assess a threat that day. I had not a second and was teaching in person that night. I had to drive to campus. I left her a voice to text in the app when I noticed that she’d called and saw a couple of DMs.

_____ called 7 times in Teams. I just counted the number this morning while I am writing.

And we actively had conflict about it.

Saying that things come up is bullshit.

I have three full jobs. I also assess for a practice on occasion.

And she’s purportedly a “J” on Myers-Briggs!

I’ve told a colleague and my GF that she is either in witness protection or she has escaped an abusive ex-husband.

Regardless, that’s my limit. No more setting up video calls.

I always say that no one is born knowing how to treat you.

I have set a limit–mostly for myself–that I will call in the morning on 8/31 at a time that we come up with and won’t get in my car until she’s in hers. Then we can both drive three-hours into the mountains to meet in person.

Otherwise the limit, which I will voice, is that I don’t like avoidant behavior. See me in person on August 31st come hell or high water. Or that’s it for me hustling. I don’t chase.

If it doesn’t happen, “When you’re ready to come to the city that I live in, let me know ahead of time, and I’ll take you out to dinner.”

Of course I am hoping that I see her IRL on Sunday, August 31st. I am holding out this time. My GF said that I have some kind of thing for women who look like librarians.

Regardless, I’ve set a limit for myself.

What’s a rule? What’s a limit? What’s a boundary? How do you help love interests learn how to treat you?