Tag Archives: ENM

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Scorpio

I have had this thing for most of my adult life–when I say adult, I mean my 30s and going forward. I think that I was personally on the older end for development of my prefrontal cortex. I was probably about 27 and then I finally came out at 33. Something that I have wanted to do since probably my mid-thirties is date a Scorpio. My Moon is in Scorpio, I love Water Signs generally, and I want to experience time with a Scorpio in the romantic realm.

I have an in person date with a beautiful Scorpio on Friday.

I’m taking her to dinner, which breaks my rule.

I am a DMer.

Then in the apps, I move intriguing or fairly aggressive ladies to my Burner number.

My Scorpio was intriguing and fun.

We had good DM interactions in the app. This app is the one that I have been on since May. It’s yielded more in person dates than the new app.

When we moved to my Burner number, we quickly established that we wouldn’t be taking a walk, and would instead move to a call. We talked for 30-minutes and had good reciprocal exchanges. I couldn’t believe that between 9 and 4 this is what shook out on a Sunday.

So, I thought, “What the hell?”

I said, “I’m comfortable just asking you out. Would you go to dinner with me this week?”

I literally have never done that since I got divorced in 2022. I am always worried that a new woman will struggle suffering my company across a table for 2-hours. I’m super intense. I sustain eye contact. I deal with everything directly and am unafraid of asking lots of deep questions.

We’ll see🤞

She is so sweet, and super pretty. She’s 4-inches taller than me and feminine. She’s had experience with ENM and we talked about how being Solo Poly for me is cultural. I told her that my previous GF broke up with me in September and that I am completely Solo in this moment. Right before we hung up I told her that she was on my VPN, and I’d be texting her my full name, all of my phone numbers and my website from my cell phone. I texted her the restaurant that I picked out for us yesterday and was good about only texting her a second time yesterday. I’m going to text her this morning after my meeting and ask for a picture. She is so pretty, and I want to look at her when I have this almost 12-hour workday.

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Breakups

Brooklyn made me risotto last night and we hung out for 3-hours and drank a bottle of wine. I brought a nice salad and she had out bread. I don’t eat bread often and ate all of it and used a lot of her butter 🙂 A boyfriend, who is also from NY, and still lives there, is no longer a part of her life due to a breakup. I said that we should go to open mic and I will play some minor chords while she reads his texts in beat cadence. A good idea that.

McGraw (2024) discusses in his book how breakups can generally be designed. I think that this concept is much more than something like a prenup, given not only that it was written by a lifelong bachelor; but if you decide how much you talk or not after you break up there is less emotional tumult. McGraw (2024) also discusses building and designing generally with relationship.

I am a relationship anarchist. I don’t want to follow the rules of eventual cohabiting and blending finances ever again. I’ve certainly given that the college try as I have mostly lived with other people. I think that when July hits, this period of my life will be the longest stretch of solo living

Let’s see:

  • I moved out when I was almost 19
  • I lived in an apartment off of campus my sophomore year of college and my gf started staying there nearly every night
  • I lived in married student housing in my first round of graduate school for 10-months and then got married
  • I lived with my first spouse for 9-10 years (We were married for nine.)
  • I lived with my son for 17-years
  • I lived with my second spouse for 8-9 years (We were married for eight.)

I think that negotiation and communication are essential when you start a new friendship or romantic relationship. Even the latter is up for debate really. Some people wouldn’t consider several kisses in a row to be romantic. That is the stuff that needs to be communicated. Contact does too in terms of how much communication one wants. Moreover, breakups can be as intentional as the startup and don’t have to be a crash.

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Women

Introduction

When I was a kid, I didn’t really have female friends. Right now, I don’t have very many male friends except at work. I spent all day Sunday with different women, one of whom, I have just met and want to develop a closer friendship.

Sunday Morning

I took a super long walk with one of my son’s ex’s Moms yesterday. We actually wound up walking nearly 7-miles. In terms of weights, I think that I did four machines instead of my typical amount afterward because I was really sore from boxing the day before. (I can hit two of the machines missed tonight after my normal Monday cardio.) When I got home, I should’ve cooked and cleaned, but it was so warm that I wanted to prowl around a little.

Afternoon

There is a new gay bar close to our capitol, so I parked a bit away from it and walked there to get even more sunshine. I was probably there 2-minutes. The lesbian scene here is pretty limited really. The gay man scene is not. That bar was packed, but there wasn’t a single woman in it so I felt completely out of place. I walked to the bar where we used to have flip cup. Savoring those brussels sprouts–even if they’re a third of the size that they were in the fall–was worth it. I drank a Lone Star and sent the picture to my BFF in San Antonio.

Family Karaoke on Second Sundays

I thought that the bar had a show. That is how good the woman was who was singing. I talked with the bartender for a couple of minutes who told me that Second Sundays are now karaoke. The KJ came over to me, hugged me, and said, “Are you going to sing tonight?” I said that I probably would. There was a couple–I thought–at the table in front of me. I felt awkward at a high top behind them in the otherwise nearly empty bar so I thought, “What the hell?” Laughing internally when I found out that she has the same name as the Realtor, she let me sit down. She and her family had great voices.

Hanging out with a Mom

I don’t meet any women who let their hair grey, but hers is probably more grey than mine, and she highlights it differently. She is the climber’s age, has six kids–four of whom were there–and was friendly. Nice blue eyes and fun to talk to, so I was glad that I asked if it was ok that I joined their table. She then told me her coming out story. I was very interested in it. The thing is that her marriage is closed. However, when I thanked her for telling me it, she grabbed my hand. Given the green light, I hugged her before I left and gave her a card. In 2008, I had cards made with my first name, cell and email. They simply say, “Email, call or text.” She gave me a business card. I told her that if she’d like to do a happy hour some time I am game. I explained that I’m good with boundaries and don’t want her husband to murder me, so I wouldn’t touch her. She laughed and said, “Yes, good call.” It’s so crazy how realizing how good it feels to connect gives you a boost. My mood was great yesterday. I’ll email her at the beginning of next month to hang out and keep good boundaries. I put ethics above everything with the way in which I conduct myself.

Monday Morning

Today I have to run a safety protocol meeting at my other site. That means that I get out of the hideous and worthless afternoon meeting. Bonus! I texted the nice guy and climber that I’d have to drive in solo because I’m leaving three-hours early. I texted the climber that I love her company and she could feel free to ride in with me in the morning and then hop in with the nice guy in the afternoon. She has just texted back, and I’m excited to ride in with her. I am going to feed the pets (in the dark) and then shower and walk my dogs. I hate this time of year with daylight savings time and waking up when it’s pitch black. It’s so stupid to not have left the time change in April, but I guess that people have to stay out buying things that they don’t need. I guess that I, myself, went out from 4-7 last night, but I had a ton of fun and it was nice to socialize.

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Ranking

“Open” was wonderful. (I’m on a memoir kick right now, as I’d read “A Serial Killer’s Daughter” and am currently reading “The Snipers We Couldn’t See.” I did read “Lessons in Chemistry” last month too, but it was just my quick jaunt into fiction for a moment in time.) This particular memoir covers multiple years of a primary relationship which had iterations of monogamy, poly-mono, swinging and also some ranked relationships with some friendship between a few of the metamours.

I can recommend this memoir absolutely. Rachel Krantz’s narrative is vulnerable and raw. I think, too, that I could relate to being a secondary partner by reading her reflections. I’m absolutely going to listen to her podcast today. 

When I was with Motor Cycle Woman, who I just can’t call the drunk anymore, I became her secondary partner. I was fine with it too. What I wasn’t fine with was feeling energy from her primary all the time and I think it was mostly due to me knowing so many things about her primary. We never met and I never actually saw her–not even a picture. Motor Cycle Woman used me like a therapist really. She was seeing all kinds of women for months and then settled on me and her primary. 

I know that Motor Cycle Woman eventually subbed her out and made me primary. That was when she went back to monogamy too. Likely the only reason she did that was because at the time I wanted an escalator relationship and she moved 6 states away. She was only poly for 2-3 years. I do struggle generally with people who say that it’s just lifestyle. From my experience it’s like sexuality and is wiring. 

I had a good conversation with her last November or December, and then when I talked to her again in the dead of winter I was on speaker in her and her wife’s car and the conversation sucked. I wonder how she views her intimate relationships now, but I won’t find out because I have no contact with her. I can assume some though as when I changed my FB profile picture she did the thumbs up like it along with 65 other people. I guess although I’m pushing 50, a black cocktail dress and heels is still sexy.

The year is coming to a close. I’m thinking about my next decade. Half a century.

I think that the women who I know currently would consider me secondary or very loosely tertiary like a satellite or comet. One may not consider me at all at present because we had one very good conversation and haven’t seen each other again although we were drawn to each other. I want to be really careful as I enter into relationships so as to avoid completely the therapeutic component. Meeting metamours would help. I think that I’d just listen and not encourage or make comments at all. Then, I’d like to say what I know from my recent experiences and perspective. I don’t think my experiences with non-ethical non-monogamy in high school and college are part of the current conversation. There are elements of primacy and rank that I’d like to talk through.