I have decided to not drink until after Groundhog Day, and I may stop for 60 or 90-days.
My colleague who almost died is probably 80-pounds again. We got her out of the house moving her walker so she wouldn’t fall on her face on Christmas Eve. It took us 3-4 minutes to get her into my colleague’s house. Everyone had to tend to her.
Her neuropathy is so bad that she can’t bare weight on her feet really. I didn’t know that neuropathy is related to having liver disease.
She smelled like Listerine after my son got her into my car on Christmas Eve.
Then she was drinking a glass of white wine. She fell asleep right after gifts and she bitched about her gift.
I can’t do a dysfunctional relationship.
I can abstain from alcohol at bowling, karaoke, after I’ve had a hideous day and I am cracking 1-2 beers while I cook.
I am doing some of it because I promised my colleague that I’d do 30, 60 or 90-days dry with her. When I said that she said that she didn’t know which she wanted, because that was “a big question.”
I also am engaging in this activity because no one can ever make me do something. I have enormous willpower. My son said, “Mom, you’re going to want one beer,” and I said that while that was true I don’t need one.
I’m toying with the idea of becoming a social-only and special occasion-only consumer of alcohol. I’ll write about this journey here.
How much do you drink? Have you lost family or friends to alcohol abuse?
I can have incredible conversations 1-1, but those don’t occur everyday unless I’m at work.
I belong to two discussion groups. One is co-ed and one is all women. I went to the former on Tuesday night.
I introduced myself and talked about my relationship journey and then I listened attentively to all the women. It was enlightening. At this group, which is held in a home of a friend, we eat potluck style. My friend did “Breakfast for Dinner” for a theme so I made hashbrowns. They didn’t last at all.
We ate and discussed questions. I only introduced myself, then I grabbed my cast iron skillet, and put on my shoes. I enjoyed the discussion and interaction, and didn’t have the “spirit move me” so as to introject anything. My friend came over and held me for a long time.
I got a text from her the following morning.
Hey, Lady. Thanks so much for coming. Your presence is always a nice welcome. Also, my friend, ________, told me last night that she is intrigued by you. I guess she has been the past two months, although not much conversation has occurred. I think she’s pretty, not sure if she’s your style or not. She was the one with the black cool glasses and was telling _____ about the blueprints book and how people get aroused differently.
We texted back and forth for awhile and I told her to give ________ my cell number, which she did.
Hopefully, ________ will text me and we can grab a beer or meet for a walk. If not, I’ll talk to her, 1-1, on September 25th if she comes to the group. Again, I don’t force anything and want to see what unfolds free from expectations and demands. Regardless, it’s nice when someone likes you!
It’s been helpful to tell the story about my former sister-in-law’s murder to people who care about me or love me. I also completed an intake with my department’s employee assistance program last week and they’ve matched me with a therapist who can provide Eye Movement Reprocessing Desensitization (EMDR). I was able to sing with friends last night too, which was lovely.
EMDR uses techniques to engage both sides of your body with noise, light, your hands, etc. and the therapist has you talk about what happened and then you feel your feelings about the event or events. I know that sounds trite. “Feel your feelings.” However, people are more likely to numb with alcohol or drugs or play hours of video games. They also may sleep or read for hours shutting out the world instead of thinking about the event. Some people don’t remember the event at all!
In EMDR the therapist or clinician also takes about your safety and coping in initial sessions with resourcing for you. That way, if you’re really triggered about the event, you have something that you can rely on in the session and after the session is completed. I’m looking forward to it.
In another entry I’d written about the appeal that I have with theater, music, and movement for trauma treatment. Well, last night we had one of our singalongs that we do at my best friend’s house. My Boss came as well. We also had a man there with a thick accent that sounded like Arabic or was influenced by languages in the middle east. However, he said his name in Polish, so I’m not sure where he is from or how many languages he speaks. I would imagine it’s three or more.
He could play a box drum and later in the night he played a tambourine. It was very cool. He didn’t sing and called himself a percussionist. We had two ukuleles as well. My best friend played two songs on the guitar, but mostly played her ukulele. I have no idea where my guitar is! I’ll be living like this in my house through Monday night because of the painting.
We sing by request from the group. I learned a new song that was in my head this morning when I woke up. It was sweet and fun.
There was this time when we were singing and playing “Greatest Love of All” that I started to cry a bit. No one noticed and I was able to quickly stop. I was thinking about in 2021 when my sister-in-law got out her guitar and was playing songs and her kids were sitting with her on the floor. My son was listening, and my wife was singing some. I didn’t sing, but was so impressed with her playing. She could remember without any music so many songs and then later she got out some music from her closet and sang more.
My brother-in-law was hovering and going in and out of the room. Finally he started complaining about “bedtime.” It was the only time that I heard my sister-in-law use a curt tone with him. She said that she didn’t know how many more songs that she would be playing, but it would be a few. He stomped off.
I’m looking forward to starting therapy on Tuesday. Music last night was healing too. I want to be functioning better than I am right now in two weeks. However, I am so lucky to have resources and friendships as I work through this event.
Friday: I met with my friend on Friday at a new brewery to us wherein we had chips, queso, wings and carrots, and then our own individual entrees. She has only a private practice and has built it so as to only work Tuesday through Thursday. You can read about her here. We had fun, good fare, and I’ll see her again with my friend for the 4th of July.
I talked to my ex on the phone on Friday night. You can read about her here. She is super smart, works in higher ed too, and is generally fun to talk to. She now says that she’s going to live to be 85. When she had first had treatment, she said that she had ten-years. We had a nice conversation and the only things that she did which were passive aggressive is say, “You were here and you didn’t see me?” and “Well, we all know that you’ll never leave [my home state].” First off, I do solo vacations in June. Me. That’s it. And, secondly, why would I have moved my kid, go back to court, and leave my house and jobs. And, why do you care, because you’re happily married! Regardless, we had a lovely conversation and I’m glad that she is in good health and no longer drinking.
Saturday: Today is beautiful here. It’s in the 70s and I’ve already done some yard work and worked on our book.
Sunday Plans: Tomorrow, the author and I will hike 4-7 miles. I have to give her broken table top and a tile that her metamour gifted me. He had completed a commission of my cat, and said that a tile of a butterfly and wildflowers fell from his wall and wanted to be with me. Now, I want it in the broken table top that he’s redesigning. When I staged the house last August, I bought a few things at the thrift store. One piece was a wrought iron side table with a tile top. LA broke it moving it in her car. I’d like the gifted tile in it along with other tiles in a design. The author’s metamour is a very good artist and is excited for this next project.
I am getting my house completely fixed up. Next month, there will be only two accent walls, white cabinets, fixed walls (You can reason the for drywall being weird in the insulation section here.), and my whole house with the exception of my doors will be painted. I’m replacing doorknobs and then will probably paint all my doors by myself. First, I don’t want these gross 80s gold doorknobs before painting happens! I’m getting a custom shed built by the carpenter and am buying and having built a catio. My backyard will be an oasis after I have skylights and new lighting in my patio. I have to get a new hot water heater and that should have a floor drain next to it, so that will be noisy work, but will make things safe here after I’ve updated all my electric. The last thing is faux hardwoods in the basement which are marine grade. I need to get rid of the carpet down there. Then, I’m set.
Weekends are so good and they’re even better when I have so few responsibilities and am mostly on vacation. Here’s to teaching one class! I’m having a good weekend. I have been with friends and am making my space homey. What are you doing this summer to fuel yourself?
I have told myself that I won’t say no to anything social. It means that I’ll drag myself anywhere that I’ve been invited. I went to the movies with Vegan yesterday and the movie was, well, quite odd. I bought tickets for a 3:30 showing of the film and told Vegan that we’d meet there Friday. However, I hadn’t expected what happened with my health.
I have a good enough immune system that I don’t get sick enough to miss work. I have worked a few half days and taken off an hour twice, but that has been mostly due to my loathing being in my other building just meeting rather than conducting my work with clients. I had this persistent sinus infection for a long time which infiltrated the roof of my mouth and teeth. The swelling got so bad yesterday that I realized that I needed to see my dentist. The gums were sore to the touch and all of my teeth hurt.
The dental assistant was having a lot of trouble with the computer for my x-rays. I think it likely needed software updates. When she finally projected pictures you could see the swelling on the left side of my teeth and face. When the dentist came in she hit each of my back teeth with a little metal mallet. EXCURIATING on the tooth in question. “I have to open the tooth and drain the infection now. Then, I’m referring you to the endodontist.” Lovely. It’s being 49 and it’s time for a root canal.
She had to take intraoral pictures next. I was probably in three different chairs for 45-minutes. Finally, the dental assistant put the numbing agent in my mouth so that I could start drooling. That is always super fun. Probably another five-minutes elapsed and she gave me my shot. Then my dentist saw a crack. So, we got up to go back to the place where the interior camera was and she took one more shot, and that’s when she showed me a crack from one side to the other and the crossing of the root. 😦
The dentist filed my tooth down to practically nothing and put glue on it. I have to see a specific dental specialist the week of the 25th for an extraction. Apparently, he will put a screw in the place where tooth #14 was and then it will heal over until July 1st when my dentist will build an implant. Fun. 10-days of amoxicillin.
I paid my $72 co-pay and hightailed out of there. I got to the theater with three-minutes to spare and Vegan gave me a side hug and joked about my tooth. All should have been well, but one of the characters gets his teeth knocked out–violently. I didn’t have any experience with the actress in the lead until the movie, and I generally liked the strange film. It evoked Tarantino and the video “Human Behaviour” by Bjork for me. Vegan was horrified. I didn’t know that she couldn’t tolerate any violence and is not a fan of dark humor. Can someone let me know what they think of “Love Lies Bleeding?” Did anyone see it after going to the dentist? Hehe.
I’ve been to the art museum and the ballet with my new friend now. A few times last night I caught myself looking at her body. It’s funny, because I don’t feel a pull to kiss her or embrace close. We have great conversations and enjoyed expensive dinner and the ballet. We’ll likely see each other again soon. I explained that I don’t want strict ruled based partnerships and she told me that likely it was related to having just gotten out of my marriage and I told her that it was related to my returning to my native state. I just feel more comfortable in the magic moments with women and then having my jobs, pets, cardio, weights, boxing, climbing and guitar lessons be my side of my life. I also have creative time scheduled now. I’m going to write a prologue and epilogue today for the book.
I’m finishing “Solo: Building your own Remarkable Life.” If you’ve never listened to the podcast, it’s all new information. I’m enjoying most the small snippets about the author’s life. I think that is a ciswoman thing. Like Carol Gilligan (1982) wrote women are relational. Anyway, he writes about sexual friendships. I wonder if that is the way that I lean. I don’t know really. I know that barring any horrid emergency, no one at all can live in my house and I don’t want to blend any finances.
I’ve been transferring money out of my son’s 529c for school. I started a spreadsheet to give to my accountant next spring. I’m so glad that he’s going to school. He plays video games, looks at his phone, and hangs out with his girlfriend. This round of school will serve as evidentiary support regarding to whether or not he can set and reach goals. I don’t know, but am hopeful.
Being dedicated in difficult situations–it’s been a really long time since I’ve written here. I have been in a rental car for a month this weekend. I have front wheel drive, which is truly hideous when it snows. I fishtail off of lights in snowpack that has ice under it. I also dropped off my car on the 15th–finally–because that is when they could take it in and had to walk and bus to get home. I had to wait for the first and second bus and didn’t bother with the third because it was too cold to wait for it. The rental car was in my garage. 6-below was no joke. I definitely realized after walking the last 2.56-miles that I could never be an alpinist. Mad respect for those folks though. I took off my snow pants and had purple legs.
I couldn’t even stay at work on Monday. I saw all five clients and then took 4-hours of sick leave. When I came home, I began scrubbing the kitchen. That included sitting on the floor and scrubbing the bevel and the lip under the counter where it meets the cabinets. I also cleaned the backsplashes completely too. I used the hours wisely and felt like who I could be if I could work half-days.
My son turns 18 tomorrow. I think that he’s been in a hotel for days with his girlfriend. He has spotty cell service. I’ll see him a bit on Sunday. He starts school midway through February. I think that he’ll make the same choices that I did. He’ll marry as a child–I was 23–and divorce at some point. I wonder if he’ll remarry as I did.
Vegan is so kind to me. I just don’t like her in a romantic way. The Climber is a massive flirt and I plan to show her briefly the book on the 29th. I’m glad that she’ll illustrate it for me. I will likely meet some new women on Saturday. I will tally how many come to the potluck.
Sunday I have to grade and draw a little bit. I’ll be coming off of the buzz in my house and all the overheard conversation porn. I hope that women make good connections in my home.
This beach moves under your feet and makes hills that are like snowbanks. The PNW is also no joke.
We had a such a great day together. I met up with Ballet Dancer and her black lab and got to the trail when the sun was high in the sky. It was warm until we got higher and then I was grateful for the LL Bean Thinsulate jacket that my Mom had bought me many years ago. I love it for outdoor activities and it’s a green thing because the material is mostly recycled. My Mom bought me a suit, this jacket and a long wool jacket. She gave great gifts. ❤
My altitude conditioning leaves a bit to be desired. We only snowshoed just under three-miles, but I want to get back up there soon. There’s a really funny story here too. I needed lots of help with my snowshoes. The ratchet clip and the teeth on the straps was confusing. I got them going though. Some packaging was accidentally left on and it’s helpful packaging for when you snowshoe.
Look at the snowshoe on the right. That plastic helped me on the trail! I want another piece.
I thought that my other snowshoe was missing a piece, so I went back to the outdoor store last night and the saleswoman explained in a non-sarcastic and kind way that it was the way that they had to be packaged safely. She didn’t say, “Dipshit, this is packaging, and can be removed.” She was so kind and didn’t even seem to be thinking that. She talked about this process is one in which inventions are made. I told her that she should get stock options and she introduced herself formally to me. Ha. So, I tried to email MSR today and it didn’t go through. I’m going to call them. I want another plastic piece because my other foot got cold. It’s not just packaging. Swear.
We bonded so beautifully yesterday. We went back to where Ballet Dancer had parked after our snowshoe and talked at a brewery. I had a bad moment of getting too hot though and was close to fainting. We were sitting by the fire and I can’t do that for very long obviously. The worst thing for me is a hot tub or hot spring. I just had to tell Ballet Dancer about the time that I fainted by a drain in the bathroom of a mountain resort during my ex-wife’s and my engagement trip. My ex-wife has this thing about drains (terror). Not only that, but I was right by a discarded Band Aid and had a feather stuck to me. It became a thing. ”No, you’re by a drain! There’s a dirty Band Aid! Why is there a feather?” I didn’t faint yesterday, and instead lifted my hair and laid on a leather couch while the nausea subsided. Ballet Dancer asked me if it was a hot flash, and I told her that thankfully, I don’t get those. I have never tolerated heat well though. It raises my blood pressure too much. Thus, no hot tubs for me and no hour by the fire obviously. I have fainted in the shower before too.
The only thing that really sucks is that she had just started talking to me about her life path and belief system when I almost fainted. I wish we’d picked up that thread of conversation again. She could be my daughter. I actually thought that I was pregnant at 22 and was excited, but I either lost it, or was never pregnant. She is drawn to older women, and thankfully, I’m in really good physical shape so I can do outdoor stuff with her. I’m so glad that she took that climbing class where I met her. I love having her in my life and want to learn more about her old soul journey.
I met Rower, Vegan and the Realtor for a walk yesterday after I lifted weights. Rower and I had a giggle about that one. I said that I was lifting so would park elsewhere and walk over to the lot that I put in the calendar notice that I sent. When I saw her, and went over to give her a big hug, she said, “Why didn’t you drive? You took a Lyft?” Hahaha. I told her it was all about the “i” and not the “y.” She’s so great. I’m very lucky to have her in my life. She’s smart and reflective.
There isn’t even a touch of anything between the Realtor and I. It reminds me of some curriculum that you can use with clients who have cognitive or developmental delays–we do the Green Far Away Hug Circle. It helps actually, because then I won’t think about her. She was super interested in how we all met, so we explained it as best as we could. It’s kind of funny, because Rower, Vegan and I are all divorced now. I’m the only one who doesn’t want an escalator again. They’re actually good examples. I don’t have one friend. I have tons of friends, so I would rather see 2-5 women. Expecting someone to be everything for you gets too riddled with expectations and demands and frankly too much uninterrupted time together. Gross. I still want magic.
I was going to go to some lakes today with Ballet Dancer, The access road is closed so we’re going to go to the base of three high peaks and see if that access road is open, and if not, we’re going to go through a mountain pass to another snowshoeing route. I’m finally retiring Motorcycle Woman’s snowshoes. Historically, I’ve only been with women who were taller than me and she was just a hair under 6′. Her snowshoes don’t really work for me; although, I’ve used them 5-6 times. I’m trading them in for store credit at 10 am and then hitting the highway to meet Ballet Dancer. Prior to then, I will buy snowshoes for myself.
My ex wife and I hiked up to a lake right before Christmas of 2018–her snowshoes were overtightened, brand-new, but wouldn’t open, so I took off my snowshoes all together eventually so as to be fair.
It was cool to walk with these four women today. When we got back to the car, having logged over 13,000 steps together, they asked what we’d do next and we’d been toying with a queer women circle. Not a Meet Up; although, that would be possible for things not at my house, but a group.
We’re going to find a snowshoe route today no matter what!
We put a date on the calendar and I just titled it Homo Potluck. I hope that Libra comes, as she got back together with her ex and moving back to the south in three-months, so it would be a last time to see her. The Realtor is inviting 6 people. I’ll make a salad and a taco bar, and will get two large bottles of Montepulciano de Abruzzo and of course have beer. For the former, I’ll have vegetarian and vegan options. Speaking of which, I’m reading “Open,” which is a memoir and the reflection on being Vegan is revolting. There was a piece of about using animals for your own pleasure and eating their secretions. It made my stomach flip around. Yuck.
I miss my women. The host had another baby so I won’t see any of them until next month. I’ve gone to the other group twice, but don’t feel as pulled there. Likely some of it is setting because with my other group we sit around a living room and she cooks. It’s just different in a party room at a restaurant. I’ll keep going though, because I love the author and want her to continue being my mentor.
I’m going to walk my dogs, take a good shower and then head downtown for snowshoe work. Then, it’s up to the mountains! I can’t wait to see Ballet Dancer and catch up with her.
Last Sunday the CEO sent another follow request. Her new tiny avatar that you can see on your phone for Instagram was of her with her son. When she sent me a follow request a week ago it was just a picture of her. I sat down at this desktop and I went through all the steps for blocking and reporting her. Now, I don’t think that she can find me. I texted my friend who resulted in us being introduced and called her a Donald Trump Mummy. My friend said that she looks like Reba McIntyre. I prefer my assessment.
The coolest things about my ex-husband and my ex-wife is that they leave me alone. That’s super oversimplified, and I’m grateful for the chapters that I had with them both, but they get it. Breakups and divorces are the end of that time.
I’m permanently off the relationship escalator, which I know is much a function of making good money and being privileged. I can get hybrid life and long-term care insurance going for myself this spring. I don’t want breakups anymore. I don’t think that I have to have them because I’m being slow and steady. I like the idea of the relationship smorgasbord. I don’t like the podcast where I was exposed to it at all–the hosts are arrogant and a bit whiny. But, I like working through the smorgasbord talking with friends and am excited to do that with someone reciprocally who is a romantic interest. This concept had been recommended to me by Maryland and I found it on the podcast that I don’t listen to and had listened to a couple of episodes prior to this one.
I did karaoke with my group on Wednesday. Maryland’s primary partner was there and I talked to her quite a bit. She’s really cool. Also, my friend from the women’s discussion group showed up and I gave her a giant hug. She’s a gem. I adore her! She was there with a couple of men. I’m not sure if they’re her partners. Maryland showed up an hour later, and after everyone from the group connected with him, I gave him a very quick hug. He only said one thing to me that was slightly flirty and then I complained that I was initially the only woman here with the exception of his partner, and it was a scary sausage fest and I almost left.
That’s true. I walked in and the bar was lined with men, there were men playing shuffleboard and men at the tables. They stared me down. It was uncomfortable and I was grateful to have no make up on and be in jeans and t-shirt. He said bars like this appeal to that demographic. He went later to play shuffleboard and the queue was getting way too long to sing again, so I hugged folks I was sitting with, hugged Maryland’s partner, and went to my friend and shook one of her folk’s hand and gave her a big hug. I looked around and Maryland was elsewhere. I just told his partner to give him my best.
I bring these things up because you can define lots of elements that work for both people if you subscribe to the idea of the relationship smorgasbord. I would like to add more Communication to my dynamic with the Climber. I would like someday to add Romantic to my dynamic with the Realtor. I had a weird ping and a few fleeting moments with my bowling teammate and I’m interested to see what that was. I’m a slow processor and really on the fence. It’s all the smorgasbord for me.
I went on my community walk yesterday and a fourth grade girl was obsessed with my dogs so she talked with me, and accompanied me on my walk. So cute. Her grandparents thanked me when we got back to the fruit, breakfast bars and coffee after our walk. I called my colleague who almost died and we caught up. She’s doing really well. Then it was off to the climbing gym.
I get so intimidated by some cismen. I couldn’t tie in and then just gave up so my friend I did auto belay routes. I had fun and was really sore yesterday afternoon. I’ll do knots at home and then I do need to buy a grigri. I think it will be free. I have a ton of points. You can’t use an ATC in gyms.
She and I took breaks and talked a lot too. I had to remind her that she cried when we were waiting for the outdoor wall to open this summer when we were bouldering. I told her that she texted me because she was in the breakup spot. It’s true. I’m trained as a clinical psychologist, so I am a good listener and she’s not paying me so I can just tell her what I’m seeing. I asked, “How long have you ever gone without a girlfriend?” She just looked at me. Then it was nervous laughter. I said, “You don’t want to be alone. You don’t want to be with her necessarily.”
Her mother died from all the complications related to Alzheimer’s. She still has her Dad. She’s about four-months and two-years older than me. She has her sister too, and she told my friend to break up with her girlfriend. I told her to be a good friend to her while she works her shit out. There is a lot too. I don’t know how many years she was married to her husband, but they finally have divorced and he is already transitioned to female. She has an ex-wife in reality. She also does lots of push and pull. It’s all that avoidant attachment stuff. My friend has an anxious attachment and really doesn’t want to die alone.
I think that when you part, you are alone. I told her that I’m interested in hybrid long-term care insurance with an additional life policy. My son will not do anything that I’ve done now for going on ten-years.
I had a great time with her though and she is one of my two lesbian friends. She divorced about two-years before I did. I’m pretty confident that her ex-wife married her to get her pension and other assets. They’d been together for 15-years or more before getting married, and were maybe married 3-5 years. My other friend who is lesbian has been married twice. Once to man, as I was, and she also has a son. She and her ex-wife had another son who is now college age. They both get it, and get me, and I love seeing them seasonally.
I won’t remarry. I won’t cohabit. I still want those romantic moments.
Soooooo Friday night. I went to my end of the season party for kickball and my two male teammates weren’t there. I had mentioned it to one of my bowling teammates prior to leaving work and then I asked the officiator if I could “make” a team for cornhole and flip cup. He said absolutely and he had shirts for them. I was in my team shirt, but took one because they were cool. Our other teammate from bowling got there about 45-minutes later with one of her friends from work. I was so glad to see her. I got up and hugged her and then she said that she liked my eye makeup and had never seen it before. I think that I’d had it on before at bowling, but dunno. I definitely look different without makeup on. We didn’t win, but my other teammate and her old roommate showed up too and we had a ton of fun with our team of 5. She texted me asking if I’d gotten home ok, and we’ve exchanged texts.
She’s fit and very nice. Southern nice. She’s Persian and attractive. Typically, I look at blonds and redheads and have been mostly with women with light eyes. My first girlfriend–high school–was brown eyed and the little liar was brown eyed. However, eye color is superficial. I think that we look at who we look at, but on-going attraction is complicated. It felt really nice to have her texting with me because she’d never done that outside of group texting. It’s nice too because I don’t have to have any conversations with her about me and where I am with my life. I had handed the Orchestra Director who also plays on our bowling team my copy of “The Ethical Slut,” this summer because she wanted to read it. We’ll see.
I have to lift weights before book club today. I really liked the book this time. I’m excited for book club and our conversations. I’m not excited to grade papers and watch videos for feedback all afternoon and evening. However, I had an offer for a soccer watch party with a nacho bar last night and then hang out at the cowboy bar and I elected to watch tv in my basement. I’ve done A LOT of talking this weekend, so maybe grading won’t be as bad as it usually is!
I went to my friend’s house early last Saturday because she skipped yoga. We embraced for a long time and gave each other a kiss–Italians do that; it’s ok. And then we walked 6-miles catching up. We worked in her garden, made pesto, and drank a beer. We made a GIANT salad and some pasta.
I was shocked about the beer and pasta. She’s been gluten free since the very earliest 2000s. She said that she does fine with it when it’s in little doses. I believe that most of gut health is neurotransmitters and responses to stress hormones.
I can’t tell you how good it is to be reconnected to her again. She really knew my parents as do both of the ___’s that I’m still connected with, and that means something to me. They were so demented and in active decline when I got married that my ex-wife couldn’t really interact with them. They became just odd and sad to be around. My Dad said, “I didn’t sleep last night. I have to go the bathroom.” That’s all he said too. When asked questions, he would confuse pronouns. My friend was so upset and cried when I told her about the end of my parents’ lives. It’s definitely a unique situation.
I had fun on the new routes in the climbing class on Sunday. I’m looking forward to climbing gym time this winter. I need to learn how to plan routes. I’m going to play kickball on a gay league starting on the 22nd or 29th. I also want to add an abs day to my regime. I think that Thursday would be good.
My Boss in one of my assignments is behaving really poorly. She is requiring two nights and a Saturday. I’m not doing those dates and she can make me available to the market if she thinks that I’m supposed to. I am hired by a super large organization and placed in sites to see clients. I emailed my manager and she said, yes, I wouldn’t have nights or Saturday work because it’s outside my contract hours.
I’m beyond cool with my other Boss. I do the majority of my extra contracted obligations at that site, and I always work there 3-4 days a week. The other Boss is acting like she is cracking down on all of us. I don’t think that the nice guy should sleep at work, and I don’t think that the climber should miss weeks of work and also be late all the time. However, also as Susan Scott writes about and says, that doesn’t mean that non-specific feedback to everyone or group punishments will be healthy for the organization. It feels like she is sanctioning all of us. Honestly, now that it’s year 2 with my teammates in my main site, we run it like a well-oiled machine. I did all my documentation yesterday at that site, and wouldn’t need to do any paperwork in my other site. If I have to leave, I’ll leave. The nice guy and the climber have my phone number if they want to see me. I’ve had some of the same friends for 23-years not including my son’s godmother (30) and my best friend from middle school (36).
I finally have a hair appointment today. I feel like a shaggy beast. It will be so nice to have my partial highlights again, too. I am making two quiches tonight or tomorrow morning for brunch with my neighbors. We have to drink the sparkling Rosé that the Realtor gave me too. I really, really need to clean and trim bushes this weekend as well. I have to wash my car too because the climber had to use her inhaler a million times on our commute last week.
I’m going to celebrate my birthday with a couple of women from our bowling team and a speech pathologist who I worked closely with during the pandemic. We’re doing coastal Mexican food on a heated patio. The day before our summit trip, my best friend is taking me to modern Italian in a popular spot. The place has a full bar, so I probably will drink a glass of Zinfandel or Pinot Noir instead of a beer. I usually drink beer. My Boss who is decidedly being normal, and mini-Boss will be there too, which will be nice. I also have the Women’s Discussion Group on Thursday so although I don’t teach twice in person like I did this week, I’m very busy. Sunday will be fun, but I can’t describe to you how tired I will be. Elevation wears you out. That means that really Friday is my down day. I only want to contact a company who will move this piano to my friend’s house. The one who I sing with occasionally. These things help me not think solely about my brother being gone 35-years. I’m lucky.
Today was a good day. I had lunch with a former colleague and took my son to a bus station so he could see his girlfriend. He and I biked two miles this morning and did 20-minutes of cardio as well. I just didn’t climb today, which is a small bummer because my friend went with her son. I’ll go next week, but they’ll be in Belize. I’m not doing Zumba tomorrow. I’m hiking 5-7 miles with my son’s godmother.
At the house, there is so much progress. The tile is completed in the bathroom and the painters shellacked the walls and repainted after putting plastic on the carpet. Now, it’s fixing the carpet so it looks cleaner on the stairs and doing a deep clean. The company is nearly done with the backyard landscaping and my son and I pulled all the weeds up front and I took out the Chinese Elms which had volunteered everywhere. I also mowed. I think that the folks across the street will regret turning down my low offer. It’s going to have lots of curb appeal and the inside will look great!
Last night I was getting some thinly veiled criticism at worst and definitely some challenges regarding to my never co-habiting or merging finances again. I tried to explain the concepts in relationship anarchy and two of the women at our dinner party got stuck on how you de-escalate with someone. I think that, for me, anyway I will always make clear that I won’t live with anyone or have money decisions that are collaborative. It’s funny because I’m super generous. I’d happily pay for hotel rooms and the like. I just don’t want anything day-to-day. If you keep that consistent and don’t deviate from it, then you’d never have need for a separate conversation about de-escalation. Another woman said that she couldn’t be emotionally intimate with more than one person. I told her that I have larger amounts of emotional intimacy with friends anyway and that my best friend knows more about me than my two ex-spouses combined. It doesn’t have to make sense to everyone. It’s my life.
At lunch today I told my former colleague about the lack of understanding and she was shocked. She said, “I would have defended you!” She asked if they knew any truly happy marriages and I told her one woman had never been married, the other had worked through lots of problems in counseling, and that my best friend loves her husband and jokes about spending all of his money. She basically gave that look that meant, “Case in point.”
I’m so excited for this week!!! I have a small group discussion with one group that I belong to and perhaps dinner with the author and another meet up as well. I have the normal stuff with guitar and our last game of bowling too. Incidentally, I got a turkey+ (4 strikes) in my third game. That was quite the ego boost. There is a good vibe right now and I’m grateful.
I got to the good venue for karaoke and the nice guy from work was so late. He was also super stoned. He’s hard to relate to when he’s that stoned. I drank five glasses of water and got a free beer. I’d been there three Mondays in a row when it was closed, so the owner said he’d buy me a drink next time and he did so. Finally, the nice guy joined me and my other colleague and I put my name in the Internet queue. I sang “Faith” and I nailed it. Later I sang the Mikky Ekko part to “Stay” while my friend sang Rhianna and we harmonized really well. She stayed with me when I was waiting and I sang “Wanted Dead or Alive” and had everyone singing the echo in the chorus. I’m sounding good lately. I also still love playing guitar and taking a class for it, so I’m hopeful to just continue to get better musically generally.
I’m going to go with him again on Thursday and will hope that he isn’t too stoned. I also have a lot of struggles refraining from judgment with his obsession with this girl who lives in FL and went to Pride with him last month. She’s beautiful, and they had a good time, but his incessant texting with her is really weird. I had to tell him that he was codependent the last time we were together because he always leaves to drive his ex home from work. They still live together. Why can’t she walk home? It’s about a mile. I’m not writing behind his back either, because I tell him these things. It’s just sad.
Gahran’s (2017) book is great. She must have had to really sort her survey data.! I can’t imagine. It was difficult enough for me when I did my dissertation, and I only had to sort 12 interviews. Her research included over1500 survey responses. That is amazing.
So far, I’ve taken these nuggets away:
The concept of social territoriality has threads of jealousy within it when other partners try to control or otherwise have license to limit behaviors of another partner. I think that communicating what both partners are comfortable with doing when they’re not together would help this factor unless a partner is abusive or is hiding hidden agendas.
People will often assume that if someone is ethically nonmonogamous that they’re in a phase or that they hate monogamy. I think that being polyamorous tends to appeal to people who question status quo generally and that monogamy is the norm so it tends to work for most people.
I’ve only read the first part of the book, which is divided into 6 parts total, so it’s probably going to take me some time to digest it. It’s been helpful so far and different than the other four in this genre that I’ve read. I will likely blog about it again.
Until then, I have guitar, bowling, what may be the final walkthrough in the house, climbing, and karaoke. I should have some material to consider by Friday. Cheers, Folks.
Ok, before I dig into the Pacific Northwest… I paid $40 to Maryland to take me to the airport and he said, “Well, I’m attracted to you, too,” when he was talking about his primary partner. I said quickly without missing a beat, “Oh, thanks. I’m completely aromantic and platonic with men.” He listened to that and then said, “You had your son. You were married.” Instead of saying, “Yes, and I separated from him in 2007,” and that getting to be a thing instead said, “I’ve kissed two men in my life. TWO. I can’t count the number of women that I’ve kissed. Men don’t make me blush. They don’t make my heart race. It’s not a sexual thing.” I sure hope that he gets it. Otherwise, I won’t hang out with him solo again. BUMMER.
The plane was late. The rental car was 3-hours late. They were so unprofessional until a shift change happened too. I complained and got some gas comped. Then I drove into Portland. I was starving. I did the wine and cheese happy hour and then took a long walk. I found the bar that I thought that I wanted to go to, and checked in briefly. Although I don’t usually eat any meat on vacation, I had to try 40-hour Pho broth. Honestly, broth simmered a minimum of 40-hours?!? I had the best salt and pepper rice flour dusted calamari ever too. The owner was an actual hoot. He sang and played for me. We talked about lead guitar and karaoke.
I went to the bar and really connected with the owner. A friend of hers came in and another woman and they were really close so I left, but she got my Instagram handle and followed me. She’s visiting her sister at the end of the month. I’m going to take her out and connect more. Stay tuned.
It was hot in Portland–very summer-like heat. It was 92 when I went to Pho and the bar and the next day it was 88. I slept well that night. The next day I ventured out more and walked a total of 32,286 steps that day and some of the 12-miles was walking the Willamette Greenway. That would have been the best place to ride a rented bicycle, which I didn’t do on this vacation. That is an amazing riverfront experience.
Calm, quiet and therapeutic. There is a poetry on the rocks area too and a Poet’s Corner boat.
I went to Deschutes. I’ve mentioned in other’s blogs in my commenting that I don’t like Lagers, but Night in Vienna is amazing and such a sin that they don’t can and export it! Deschutes was my crossover beer with Mirror Pond that started me on the road to hops. I’ve never strayed from that road, and had a flight of the ones that they only serve there. Heading back to Portland yesterday I was really sad that Ecliptic Brewing isn’t open until Tuesday or Wednesday, because I had wanted to hit that one too, but it’s lucky that I didn’t… More on that later.
I got up and got mobile the next morning and checked out of my hotel downtown–don’t worry I did hit Powell’s Books the day before too–and bought my son “Serving the Servant,” and I just remembered that I forgot to give it to him last night, so when he’s done babysitting this afternoon and I’m getting ready to take him to work for the evening I’ll give it to him. I also bought the updated edition of “The Ethical Slut” for me and I’m almost done. It was a long, long drive. However, driving through many impressive National Forests and all the lakes, rivers and reservoir areas was not a bad thing. Finally, I got to the entrance to the park, and it was, well, closed. Yes, gate down due to winter. It was June 8th.
Look at those TREES! Unreal.
No worries, I’ll do another route and just eat later. Again, starving. The GPS spun and spun, and spun some more. Uh-oh. Ok, go to the bathroom in the forest on a rock (That’s the responsible thing so animals don’t tear up flora for your salt.), breathe, breathe some more, you have just under half a tank, and a state map. THANK all the spirits and such that my rental car was delayed so I picked up a map waiting for my car! Only three turns. There are not tons of signs though so I did get disoriented twice, but finally found the south entrance to the park. I was dumping adrenaline and meditating on the trees so I wouldn’t freak out completely.
Just forest bathe in your rental car. It will be fine.
I finally reached the Park Office and Ranger and was pretty freaked still, but it was so nice to see the whites of a human’s eyes. I reached the lodge afterward having only driven an extra hour-and-a-half. I got my stuff put in my quiet, no frills, comfy lake viewing room and went to the back patio of the lodge. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. It’s almost silly to post, because the picture is nothing like it in reality.
No appropriate caption for seeing this site
I basked in the grandeur until 8 when my dinner reservation was, and then was pretty spent, so I turned in right around sunset. I was anxious to get a good hike in the next day, which I did in the spring rain the next day. I walked past Discovery Point until I hit a steep snow bank and it was raining a little more, but was satisfied with my 4.7-mile hike. That’s when I met Tommy. I’ve had some good servers in my life, but none like Tommy. I’m going to write to Aramark about him. He could work in a 5-star resort. He’s done 17 park seasons at Crater Lake and is authentic and caring. Such a good lunch and two beers. Then I went back to back patio and sat in a rocking chair. That night, I watched the sunset.
Good fare. Finished all with the exception of the fries, which I did eat for breakfast on Saturday morning.
I drove to the coast! I just had to. Everyone kept telling me that the Oregon Coast is unique. I went to the salt marsh at the Wildlife Preserve and did some bird watching.
Lots of swallows and I also spotted a Piping Plover who sung to me.
I hit the beach, and then parked up the coast and walked over the ridge that is known as the travelling beach and once I went down to the water I understood why! Wow, the wind there is extreme. It’s hard to walk, but is so beautiful.
After a beach walk I went to the lighthouse at the Coquille River and learned about Denny Dyke from the Lighthouse “Keeper” and his wife who were super friendly and disappointed that I won’t still be in Oregon on the weekend for low tide to walk his labyrinths which last a couple of days until the tide comes in. What a neat manner to do art! I was thinking that with that level of wind it made sense that all the sand would move with great frequency.
Keepers did this work manually for years until the lights could be automatic
It was getting late. I wasn’t interested in getting back to Crater Lake after dark because of one entrance being the only way into the lodge and my room, but the folks in the lighthouse convinced me to drive back over the bridge into town to trek to the Face Rock Viewpoint. I’m so glad that I did! I walked down the boardwalk, scurried up a rock, walked through the rock caves, and looked at everything there. I took what has become my favorite picture that I’ve ever taken too, and when I looked at it that night, I saw a heart beach rock in it. I think it’s because I’m going to fall in love soon.
The wind moves not only the sand, but beach rocks too due to its forceCrazy cool rock formations line the beach. I think that if you Google Face Rock, you’ll get the quintessential and famous rock at this spot.
I was able to make it back that day right at sunset and only turned around once to check a sign at Diamond Lake. I was way less scared than I’d been on Thursday getting to the lodge. I ate spinach and steelhead trout dip and connected with a traveling oncology physician and her husband while eating in the main hall of the lodge. They were very cool.
The next day I broke rules and hiked and was found out by a nice park ranger. I had no idea it would be winter at the lake until late July, and didn’t regret anything though because I did much relaxing rather than cycling and hiking, which is fine for me. Until I bought a book for a souvenir at the Visitor’s Center I didn’t know that Crater Lake is affectionately known as July and Winter. I get it now.
There were lots of snowfields to cross to get the the peak, and I would have been ok up at elevation, but it’s closed and probably will be until mid-July. The Park Ranger was cool, so I’m lucky.
Look at how when it’s warm the lake changes as do the cloud reflections
I went back to Discovery Point and also to just before the Watchman’s Overlook on the interior trail this time because Sunday was so warm and some precarious snow had melted. I was able to hike just under 4-miles that day on trails only rather than the road because it was a warm spring day rather than a rainy one. Winter may have just left Crater Lake. Now, the snow will melt and the roads will be plowed along the 33-mile rim.
You can see the back of Wizard Island from this point on the trail, but because only a mile of road is open on the West Rim in “Winter” you cannot see Phantom Ship
I had the curry again that night at the lodge and because Tommy was my server it was better prepared this time and I shared the extra curry with a man and his companion who were seated next to me. He was a professional climber and a previous guide at Rocky Mountain National Park. His companion was a family friend who had done some climbing in her 40s and she inspired me. They were to get up at 4:45 the next day and photograph the sunrise. I watched another sunset.
Mount Thiesen – a lightning rod
I left at 9:17 am and when I finally got to I-205, I found out that Ecliptic Brewing isn’t open at either location on Mondays, so I just went to the airport. I couldn’t get checked in. I went to the agent and she said that I can’t make my connection due to a delay. She said that I could fly to Phoenix at midnight and then stay in Dallas until 8:00 am. I told her that wouldn’t be happening. I said, “I actually can’t do 18-hours in three airports after traveling all day.” I meant it. I would’ve had a breakdown. I had driven 7-hours that day even before I got home. After some time she found a direct flight on another airline. It was literally leaving right then. I checked my bag, learned it was late, went to the bathroom and boarded. I had some scares when the woman (Aquarius) who I’d lent my car to for the week didn’t text me back when I was in my seat. Libra was supposed to pick me up at midnight and now it would be 4-hours earlier–no complaints–but I needed my car back too. Right before takeoff she texted and was with the Ballet Dancer (from my last climbing class).
It took me two-hours to get home due to a shooting near where Aquarius lives, but I was still home before I would have been and had a lucky direct flight. My son’s girlfriend was here, and they looked at all my pictures while I cleaned the kitchen and warmed up spaghetti in red sauce with broccolini and some chicken piccata. It was after 10 pm and I’d eaten two rolls and a little butter, fries, an ounce of snack mix, tomato juice, and the last picante corn nuts from my car (probably four and some salt from the bottom of the bag). It was so good to see my pets and my son too. I’m sleepy today, but had an incredible solo vacation.
Wait. What is up with these fonts?!? It’s bothering me to write. Why did they change? They didn’t email me. Software engineers are likely well-intentioned, but these things can be alarming. I’ll write anyway.
I went to happy hour and people were talking about work. That can be annoying. It also makes the men leave abruptly which leaves me feeling paranoid. I ordered BBQ nachos with diced jalapeños. Everyone inhaled them–I should have ordered two orders. I went to the bar and sang one song and didn’t like the vibe and couldn’t get anyone to meet me so I went to Trader Joes and got some beef ribs which I put in the ceramic skillet and left on 8 while I walked the dogs quickly. I wolfed all but one.
I slept off and on until 8. I’m going to shower, walk my dogs, and then get the coffee packs and granola bars and such out of my car from my main site out, and go to my secondary site. Hopefully, I can just get my vacation setting on remotely from any phone, and I’ll do the one in that work email. I did a two-week and a day vacation setting for my one university job and I’ll log into the other one when I get back from OR. I have to start checking that one more faithfully. Those are doctoral students only so the level of maintenance is more significant for whatever reason.
“Plural Loves,” which I’m reading now is ok. Some chapters are better than others, but it’s mostly just a lot of sex. Sex is fine, but I like the psychologically nuanced stuff and research things more. It’s not bad and there are tons of contributing authors to the book. I’ll be done tonight or tomorrow night. It’s cool that an Ereader tracks your book progress. Glad that I bought an Ereader.
I cut the grass yesterday between happy hour and karaoke. It took a very long time and it’s a small patch of grass so it was pretty funny. After I’m at work an hour or so, I’m going to three pet stores–how annoying–and getting everything so that I don’t come back to any problems. I made my son watch “16 candles” this week, and he loved it. I told him that I will not come back to a house like that. I’m really hopeful. My neighbors will look in on him, thank goodness.
I have a really rattly cough. It sounds wet in the morning. I also have had some pretty bad headaches, which I’ve not had in years. Just a gross cold going around, I guess. I don’t know if it will be gone by Tuesday, but I hope so. I brought home a KN95 to wear on the plane. I’ve not been sick like this in many years.
Aquarius is the ballet dancer’s best friend out here. She wanted to do long distance with her semi-gf who is still in Nashville. That woman’s mother told her that they shouldn’t talk for a month, so they didn’t until yesterday and then they talked and decided not to date. I texted her that was wise and she said that she wants to believe that. Anyone in their mid-twenties who still has a parent with that much sway isn’t a love interest. That’s a child. She is going to bowl for me next Wednesday when I’m in OR and our other teammate is her age and also from the south. Hoping, hoping, hoping! I love setting people up. I hope that they hit it off.
I have to go. I have to shower. I have to walk the girls. I have to work a couple hours. I have to run errands. I have to work in the yards before the storm rolls in. I’m Ernest Hemmingway.
My Boss is amazing. She did probably one of the sexiest karaoke acts at the good venue to “Work It.” She even makes the “Cuban Shuffle” sexy. I had to video that. I couldn’t really concentrate for the former. It was a lot. She would be a lot to handle actually, so it’s good she’s 1) married and 2) my boss. I won’t ever make that mistake again. That ended with 2007.
Her sister is pretty and also sexy. She brought a triad and then at least 4 or so other folks came by. With the exception of the one man, they were all either huge or just overweight. I had two beers and had done my first Zumba and also the elliptical, so I was starving, so I felt really good that the triad and my Boss’ sister invited me to late night middle eastern. The conversation was super interesting. The male in the triad is a leather worker and my Boss’ sister talked about hikes being distracting because she sees branches and thinks about how well it would work to tie someone up. It leaves me neutral. Not sure why. I think that kink just isn’t my thing.
I have done things with exes that they wanted me to do, and never really found it that particularly hot. I just think it’s whatever someone is into. I don’t want to be hurt or beaten though, and have never been asked to inflict lots of extreme pain. I do think that I’d struggle with that. It doesn’t gross me out, but doesn’t turn me on at all either. I saw my Boss’ sister’s breasts in her bra. They’re very nice. I gave her a hug at the end of the night and want to chill with her again. However, I just want some mentors. My Boss’ sister would be a good one for me because she’s active and organizes for kink-queer events. She’s also been poly lots of years. I think that I have for a total of four years of my life prior.
Speaking of which, one of my former colleagues wrote a Mother’s Day post on Instagram–I’d had my son hold the rose that I got at brunch from the bar–that I am a nurturer of so many. I think that I am huge hearted. I loved what she’d written. I think that pretty much illustrates part of my always present polyamorous nature. I just like to love lots of people very deeply and give myself fully to many. I’m so excited for tomorrow. I’ll meet new people. Again, I think that I need mentors.
I went to a high tea at my best friend’s friend’s house on Saturday. Her singing partner was there. Otherwise the crowd was very straight. It was beautiful though. For Mother’s Day we cleaned her back sun room and also the craft studio where she has a trundle. Her parents get here tomorrow for her son’s graduation. She was grateful. I love her so much, and she’s always accepted me and all my twists and turns. It’s funny, because I’m really stable–same career for most of my years working, and have just added work, and I am only 6-years from paying off my house which only had a contributor for one of these 21-years–but my life has been anything but that. It’s ok. I know that I’m resilient.
My son and I have to pick up the climber here in just under an hour. The nice guy has an after work dental appointment. I have to finally wash my hair. I put smooth infusion in it on Saturday and couldn’t really get it completely straightened. It would have taken 20-30 minutes to do it well and I didn’t have that much time because of my workouts, errands, high tea and cleaning my best friend’s rooms. We got 5-inches of rain in three days, so the ground is kinda boggy. It’s like the Pacific Northwest; although, I live in the Mountain West. My hair is gross though, so I have to give myself ample time in the shower, and then I’ll walk the dogs and pack up. I have to eat peanut butter sandwiches, an avocado and tuna. I also didn’t cook for my colleague either. I ate a couple meals out yesterday given Mother’s Day. I’ll let her know that food is coming for her on the 22nd.
I’ll blog again Wednesday or Thursday. More karaoke with peeps. Let the connections ensue.
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