Tag Archives: Relationships

by

Stories

The climber spent a couple of hours with me yesterday and we added a final scene with a crone type of character who had appeared in the book at a turning point in our story. She sketched five different scenes and I started numbering the existing storyboards. She’s going to show me more work on the 31st of July. She’s out of town climbing in Canada for a couple of weeks.

We had twenty existing pages, and I think that we’re up to 26 now. So, I’ll need to write out full narratives rather what is in the storyboards that simply illustrates plot advancements in a comic book style. It also includes my poor drawings. I should’ve taken a picture of her drawings for our book in her sketchbook. I’ll write over the next few days, which will be easy now because she called working together “inspiring,” and I reflected later and would term it “energizing” for me personally.

She looked beautiful. She had on a close fitting one piece sleeveless jumper with a plunging neckline. I had never seen her in anything low cut before or anything nearly as feminine. It was a little distracting to watch her draw at my dining area table especially when she was leaned against it.

We had an intimate dynamic yesterday. Just greeting and exiting long hugs; however, we talked about personal things when we made conversation.

I learned that she and her ex-husband were together for 16-years in total and that they read to each other every night.

I read an entry from my blog to her. I chose this one: https://balance17.com/2024/03/29/mom/

The climber paged through her book and showed me some beautiful things that she had drawn. She is such a good artist. Although she had outlined sketches yesterday, I’m excited to see full pages when we meet yet as I had a point of comparison now seeing her work in the small sketchbook. I asked her if she’s always drawn. She has. I have always written.

There hasn’t been a day in 16-years that I’ve not written something. I certainly have not blogged everyday, but I have written notes, letters, emails, journal entries and the like. It’s interesting now for me to have a full story to tell and complete. I have a muse-filled momentum right now.

Image by Kankanravee Kanyawath from Pixabay

I was thinking this morning when I got up to tend to the pets that we all tell ourselves stories. Stories about why our lives are going the way that they are, and stories about other people. I think that feedback about those stories that are internal is important. The feedback helps us evolve.

For our book, it’s different. I need to have it in full draft form and read it to some kids before I take the next step for publication. I’m glad that we she and I have a commitment to monthly work on it too, because it keeps a timeline. For me, it was the conversation about the plot of the book that was most important when working with her yesterday. Although writing is a solo task, I think that I write better when I have some collaboration and joint work. Also, being around her is always something that impacts me intellectually and in my body.

by

Weeds

Last summer it rained throughout May and most of June. We had 5.86 inches of rain in June. This place usually gets 15 inches of precipitation in a year! It was really hard to do any yard work because it was raining and often very hard. Then the weather shifted and it just got beastly hot. I’m paying for that pattern next year. We have city composting, and on Saturday and Sunday I filled up my city bin with cheat grass, some long bindweed and Mullen. One of the latter had blown in the yard in 2020 or 2021 and now the seeds propagate everywhere from wind, birds and such.

I think it will take me forever to get these weeds under control. I gave my Roundup to my neighbor because it disturbs me to kill all the moths, butterflies and lady bugs. The bindweed is hideous. I’m unsure if you can ever truly get rid of it anyway.

I didn’t make a dent in the weeds.

Family Connections: I spent the majority of the weekend with my family because my cousin got married. She is my first cousin’s daughter. The former and I are very close. It was so great to be with her and her kids. Those interactions didn’t feel weedy with the exception of my son hitting a wall, getting overwhelmed, having a bizarre conversation on the phone with his girlfriend in the car after we had to leave the wedding, and then going home with me to talk.

Saturday night he told me that he wants to break up with her and doesn’t know how. Yesterday when we worked out he said that they were taking a break and then going to couple’s therapy after the break. I told him that an 18-year-old has to go to couple’s therapy is sad and strange. It’s no secret that I don’t approve in the slightest of their relationship. I’m not going to comment ever again about it. That situation is entangled too.

A few sunflowers in the bindweed

Children’s Book: It’s May. I told the Climber that I’d ask her again about illustrating our book and that story has a few turns too.

I had a good day at my other site. My last day there is May 31st! I got a really good job next year for that part of my assignment.

After seeing clients who are done, and terminating with three clients, I did documentation and wrote a report for my other site. I decided to go home an hour early and use sick leave.

We have instant messaging at work that it’s a little bit like Slack, and I chatted to the Climber, “Do you have a second today to answer a personal question?”

I didn’t hear back and left around 3. I was driving home and in a mass of traffic and got a text from her. She never texts. It said, “Came to look for you in your office!” I texted her a picture of my dashboard and the street. I got home and she texted again. It said, “Mega hailstorm here and I hope that you’re driving safe.” I sent her a picture of my dog and my son’s cat on the rug with a text caption, “I’m home safely. I hope that your drive is safe given the weather.” Then she called me 10-minutes later!

We had a quick conversation and she asked what I wanted to ask her. I said, “Well, it’s May, and I told you that I wouldn’t bug you about our book, but I’d ask again in May. Can you illustrate for us?” She apologized for not working on it and said, “Yes.” It was definitive. I told her that with the Boss laying into her, her not knowing if she’d still work there in the fall and spring, and all the stuff going on, I understood and that was great news. So, if she’s at work on the 31st, I’ll have to ask her about timelines.

Lots of weeds. Lots of connections. Some sunflowers.

by

Spring Activities Recap: Running, Kickball, Bowling, Discussions with New Friends and More | Balancing Life Blog

We’ve had a few warm days. The new trees have leaf buds on them and most of the trees in the neighborhood are now fully leafed out. This year, I’ll get nearly as many irises as I did last year. One did snap in the high winds, but is still tilted on the plant. Last year it rained all May and June and we’ve had little moisture this year. I had tons of irises last year and didn’t see them until they were spent. I was a mess last spring given trying to get the house on the market.

We had these bulbs for 8-years, but they didn’t bloom until after our divorce. They were given to my ex-wife by a friend that she ended her friendship with because of the friend not prioritizing her.

We won both games of kickball last night. I got on base four times and scored runs twice. I popped the ball up during our last game because the sun was setting in my eyes. I tagged a runner out before he could score or get back to third.

I’ve started running again and will do mostly interval runs. I had forgotten how hungry running makes me, but I’ll do it because my son is going to the gym with me twice a week with a goal of three times. I had already been doing the elliptical every Monday, and don’t want to get bored. I also believe in cross training, so running again every week will be good.

I have to walk my dogs and then go to one of our largest parks in the city for the spring clean up. I love volunteering and will do more of it now that I only have one class to teach in the summer term.

Did you know that you have a knock sensor in your engine? Mine was failing. The check engine light is no longer intermittently coming on, but it was $648.

I have to go to Ann Taylor for slacks and a new shirt. I don’t have any slacks that fit me very well. I don’t want to be in a dress at my dinner tonight because my legs are sooooo white. I bruise really easily too so I need a tan to wear shorts, or bare leg skirts and dresses.

The event is a dinner. I was invited by the author. She is becoming a mentor to me. I get to go to our group on the 20th as well. I’ll be done with bowling league this Monday.

I’m that combination of nervous-excited. Uncomfortable emotions for sure, but I’m pushing through them.

by

Fix

Parenting Update: My son came over for dinner last night and we talked. He is now obese and it’s so sad. I don’t want to fix him, but I want to support his health. He’s agreed to work out with me on Tuesdays and Thursdays. He can only do every other Tuesday, because he goes to his girlfriend’s parents’ house on Tuesday nights. I guess that is fine because I teach on Tuesday and then start teaching again on August 20th. I want him to increase his own positive self-talk too.

Spring Weather I walked the dogs this morning before my first evaluation meeting on Zoom and connected with a neighbor. The ducks were landing in the creek and the air was cold and humid. It was so nice. I see this neighbor most afternoons, and I was walking early this morning as I’m working from home, so I saw him. My older dog played with his adopted pit bull on their leashes. I also had a good talk with my next door neighbor about work in both of our houses and my spring solo vacation. It was so nice to be outside connecting.

Home I’m in a great space. I love having the fence fixed and will have everything paid off on Tuesday. I had already paid for all of the electrical work.

A company put in insultation in several walls and above my cabinets. Sadly, I can be so distrusting, so I’m going to check the attic before I write my review too. I know the old insultation was removed, and I hope that I have a ton up there alongside a barrier when I check it.

I didn’t accrue any interest on these things and am so glad for that. I feel lucky that I make enough money to do work in my house.

My Work I’ve been fixing myself too. I am working on kindness to all and neutrality in some instances. I feel physically fit and solid.

Lately, I’ve had new readers to my blog. I also have folks that have stopped by here for 12-years. I think that the advice that I could impart to readers is to take a spring assessment of what you’re doing and if those actions are creating what you want.

What are you working on this spring? Do you have anything that you know requires fortification? Is there a character trait which you’re addressing?

by

Guidance

My Aunt turns 70 today. I was supposed to be there, but I had an oppressive headache and then a sore throat on Thursday so after I completed an annual weird requirement that I have daily for about 9-days a year at work, I just went home. I have hundreds of hours of sick leave, so taking five of them didn’t matter much. I slept. I knew then that I wouldn’t have the bandwidth for 10-hours in the car over the course of about 26-hours total on Saturday and Sunday. My Aunt is super religious, so she thinks that my not being there is all part of the grand plan.

There are things that we can’t control. We can run the risk of doing very little and being given to inertia because of our own inaction. Like my tattoo, like everything, it’s all a balance.

I took the climber to work last Monday and I asked her if she could still illustrate for me. Mostly, I got a non-answer. It was “I love the story. Originally, I said that I didn’t know that I was the best person for the job. Then things have gotten so complicated at work, so I haven’t sketched much.”

I told her that I would ask her again in May.

I’m not sure that I’ll see her much after the end of May either and that does make me really sad.

I’m not worried about another illustrator. With her being non-binary she is the best person for the job because of my content; however, she’s historically really difficult to pin down anyway. That sounds kinky, and I don’t mean it that way, but she always has good intentions and little follow through. The drawing for the book is like other things that have never happened, and that is not about me, but is about her.

There are a whole bunch of things that I’ve said to clients frequently and one of them is, “You can control yourself.” I’ve done a really good job with her in terms of having no expectations or demands. I can control that.

I also am proud that I told her on the way home last Monday that I’m being as kind as I can with everyone who I date going forward; although, I’ve yet to have a third date with anyone. I have been told that because I won’t remarry or cohabit that I’m just getting over being divorced.

The thing is that I can control my actions with women. I can be open and honest. I seek magic moments and that’s it. If they happen frequently, that’s great. I’m open to magic moments with women who I see weekly, monthly, annually or whenever. I’m done being conventional and following the status quo.

I also told her on Monday that I don’t want a breakup again. I told her that things that were part of a relationship can be taken out of the relationship completely based on communication. I said that I don’t want what I have with one of my exes and that is the feeling that I must run away if I ever see her.

I’m not seeking anything with any woman in particular. I’m open getting to know a woman and talking about what make sense for us. What makes sense can change and needs negotiation and solid communication.

by

Dynamics

Last weekend, my head hurt so badly that I couldn’t even box. I had to leave 15-minutes into class. I went to guitar and couldn’t figure out the down tuning so I just practiced chord changes and didn’t strum. I had a low day emotionally and was pretty well exhausted. I did clean my whole upstairs and answered an email from the accountant re: how HSA works in my new pay structure and how 529c contributions work in my son’s ESA.

Prior to leaving the house for boxing and guitar, I met with the carpenter in the cold dreary weather. I had thought that if I had two posts installed into concrete, I could get my garden fence fixed. I was correct, but on the gate side it needs two more posts and bracing with 2x4s behind the fence line.

He’s wonderful. He is professional and smart. Although, he’s an elite athlete, he is humble and gentle. He reached down to pet my ancient dog and agreed that she is a good girl. I’ll be really glad to have my fence fixed, and am grateful that he is doing the work and will get the money for it.

On Saturday night Rower called me. (AI keeps telling me that I need more context, so I’ll mention that all people in my blogs are listed in the “Characters” button that should be accessible from the front page.) I couldn’t believe that she called! We’re both Gen Exers–I think that she’ll be 52 next month–but I don’t hear from her when she has New Relationship Energy (NRE) until conflicts between her and her significant begin. Not now, and I thanked her for that. We had a great conversation and her gf sounds perfect for her and actually treats her well and nurtures her. She said that it sometimes runs the risk of mothering, which is so gross, but that she’s a good communicator and they’re dialing that in together.

I talked through my tooth with her. It helped and now I’m researching it to reproduce here in my blog. Much of the research in adults related to infection post root canal. Oddly, I’m glad that I didn’t have to have one of those and had an extraction instead. However, because I had an infection which was somewhat pervasive: through my tooth, in my sinuses and through the roof of my mouth, it’s problematic to implant the screw. That is why the surgeon was glad that I had a wide enough sinus cavity. I’m not glad that for that right now. I still have little residual sinus stuff. Rower, who’s a Nurse, told me that the rinse that was prescribed is what medical professionals use to scrub in for surgeries! GROSS.

I went to a couple of Meet Ups yesterday and they were underattended. I had some fun though. I met a new group leader and we bowled–it was just he and I. My other one was my book club and we had no leader. I was glad that it was simply a social meet up rather than a book discussion, but it was still very weird that it was two newer members and me who showed. No host. 5 vacant RSVPs.

The carpenter is the climber’s primary and nesting partner. I had a good first impression of him when I met him last weekend and now I love him. He’s simply phenomenal. He’s probably in his 20s, and could therefore be my son, but he’s quite poised and cool–easy to talk and relate to. We drove to the lumber yard late at night and he checked his phone for the materials list that he’d made. We loaded concrete bags together onto the flat cart–and eventually into my car, and then stacked them in my garage–and talked so easily. He is down-to-earth and open in a way that I’m not used to with cismen. If I commute with the climber tomorrow it will be difficult for me to not just talk about how wonderful he is! It’s pretty funny that he currently has keys to my house.

I have a community walk this morning. I don’t think that I’ll bring my dogs to it. They’re getting so elderly, and tend to just sniff. I’m going to family karaoke tonight and don’t know if I’ll see the woman who has 6 kids and is bi and in a closed marriage. Wow! What a sentence. I’m really glad that my life is uncomplicated!

by

Mom

I’ve been thinking about Mom and dreaming about her a lot lately. I’m reasonably sure that I know why.

I feel like that I’m having time to be and breathe. I’m sure, too, that given that it’s Easter this weekend, I am thinking about holidays without family.

Sunday, I have an invitation to friends, and I know that I’ve written here that I don’t say no to those, but I have been eating yogurt, eggs and canned soup and don’t want to be around yummy food and alcohol. I also don’t want to talk about the hole in my mouth with people whom I don’t really know. I’ve known this colleague for 24-years this fall, but she’s an extrovert’s extrovert, so loves to entertain and make small talk. LA always invites me to these things–she’s really close with this colleague–and I did go to the Blues BBQ (live band) and also Christmas Eve. I am not going to Easter. In fact, I’ll do yard work which is a lot like my Dad!

My Dad worked for the City and County. He’d dropped out of a Civil Engineering Program because my Mom had me and they had very little money and mice in the housing provided near campus via the GI bill. That was a contention. As was my ever being born. I had colic and my father always said that he was going to leave me screaming in the snow. Mom said that once I could imitate opera voices on the radio at about 4-months of age, I stopped screaming.

(I have said to my son ad nauseum, “You didn’t ask to be born. I will make sure that you have medical and dental care until you’re 26. I will also write a check for any tuition bill that you produce for me.” He has about 7k left in his ESA, so I’m going to set up a trust for 150k that I manage until he’s 30. I’m doing that in June. Trust me, this digression is topical.)

My Mom wanted kids. She said that my brother and I were the best things in her life.

She was sarcastic, a little mean, definitely depressed, and not quick with hugs or kisses, but always said, “I love you.” And she did love us.

We had no money. I really mean that too. My parents, both Boomers, were the last of the people who can buy a house on one salary. My Mom contributed off and on to living expenses, but never had a full-time teaching job likely because of her physical disability. She subbed for 4-5 years and would often come home with a migraine.

Today, I’m thinking about my Mom, the status of her teeth, her heavy smoking until she was in her 60s, and how much healthier and luckier than I am when compared to my Mom.

I was out in the backyard this morning giving my neighbor’s dogs and mine pieces of elk jerky, and my neighbor came out and asked about the hole. So, I have this screw and hole in my mouth right now. My neighbor will get her hole and screw in two-weeks.

We’ve been trying to figure out how her process is so much longer than mine. Her tooth broke eight-months ago. We figured it out today.

My Mom made sure that we went to the dentist every 6-months. She made sure that the weird tooth that came in sideways was addressed with a retainer. I have great teeth. So, it was easy for the dentist to drill it, pack it, help me make an appointment with a talented specialist, and I will see him five-days before I get a tooth colored crown. My parents were poor for sure–lower middle class, I guess–but we got good dental care.

My Mom didn’t support me going to graduate school. My Mom was mostly horrified about what others thought of her having a lesbian daughter. My Mom’s ashes that I have left could ignite given that I don’t want one partner and would never live with anyone ever again. However, my Mom loved and took care of me.

Tell me about your Mom. I don’t know you, so don’t worry, I am not impersonating Freud. Freud is mostly only good for defense mechanisms.

by

Swipe

Not that I do that to meet women, but I had a goal to write for a few days in a row and that was the topic that I came up with in the shower on a morning that I’m washing my hair. Podcasters that I’ve listened to have said that if you read a lot of dating ads folks talk about what you want rather than what you offer. I’ve written (here) what I’m seeking, so let’s see if I can write who I am, and what I offer in 300 characters. I’m going to give it a whirl.

I love being outside hiking, biking or walking. I am funny. I take making others laugh as a project. I’m a great cook who loves doing it for others. I am honest, straightforward and direct. I love to sing and want to get better on the guitar. I write everyday and am fascinated by a person’s story.

I have no intention of making a profile. I wanted to see what I could write in 300 characters as the essence of me. I may ask if I included my core at work today and perhaps a little bit next week. Swiping and the gambling approach to connection just isn’t me.

by

Disasters

I had a couple of days at home, which was nice. I was able to clean up all the sheetrock dust and pieces of fiberglass that the company left after filling some walls. The problem isn’t remediated in the kitchen, so they’re coming back tomorrow afternoon to fill above the cabinets. I’m going to move the microwave, toaster oven and coffee pot and drape the fridge with some sheets. It makes a mess. It’s not quite a disaster, but is a nice introduction to this entry.

What do you think of snow? I really like it; although, I’m not a downhill skier. I like the way in which it freshens everything up in the desert. I took the dogs through it on Friday with drifts higher than 2-feet.

Two months ago I watched, “Society of the Snow,” and was intrigued. Vegan had texted me and asked what I was up to and I told her about the movie, with which she was unfamiliar. Then she said that she’d read the book. I ordered, “Miracle in the Andes,” and I spent Thursday and Friday finishing it. Like the film, it makes you cold and feel inspired with the athleticism and resolve.

I found out on Friday afternoon that Vegan had read and seen “Alive.” I said that we should trade as the epilogue in “Miracle in the Andes” talks about some of the unfair characterization of two of the young men as written in “Alive.” Vegan is going to borrow the book from me–she had donated her copy of “Alive.” I’d love to read some of “Miracle in the Andes” starting on page 185 and some others until about page 197 in the book to the climber.

I loved this film and book. Being the mountains always fuels me. I respect them and don’t underestimate them. I woke up today thinking about snow, the human spirit and nature.

by

Breakups

Brooklyn made me risotto last night and we hung out for 3-hours and drank a bottle of wine. I brought a nice salad and she had out bread. I don’t eat bread often and ate all of it and used a lot of her butter 🙂 A boyfriend, who is also from NY, and still lives there, is no longer a part of her life due to a breakup. I said that we should go to open mic and I will play some minor chords while she reads his texts in beat cadence. A good idea that.

McGraw (2024) discusses in his book how breakups can generally be designed. I think that this concept is much more than something like a prenup, given not only that it was written by a lifelong bachelor; but if you decide how much you talk or not after you break up there is less emotional tumult. McGraw (2024) also discusses building and designing generally with relationship.

I am a relationship anarchist. I don’t want to follow the rules of eventual cohabiting and blending finances ever again. I’ve certainly given that the college try as I have mostly lived with other people. I think that when July hits, this period of my life will be the longest stretch of solo living

Let’s see:

  • I moved out when I was almost 19
  • I lived in an apartment off of campus my sophomore year of college and my gf started staying there nearly every night
  • I lived in married student housing in my first round of graduate school for 10-months and then got married
  • I lived with my first spouse for 9-10 years (We were married for nine.)
  • I lived with my son for 17-years
  • I lived with my second spouse for 8-9 years (We were married for eight.)

I think that negotiation and communication are essential when you start a new friendship or romantic relationship. Even the latter is up for debate really. Some people wouldn’t consider several kisses in a row to be romantic. That is the stuff that needs to be communicated. Contact does too in terms of how much communication one wants. Moreover, breakups can be as intentional as the startup and don’t have to be a crash.

by

Dental Emergency / Going to an Indie Film

I have told myself that I won’t say no to anything social. It means that I’ll drag myself anywhere that I’ve been invited. I went to the movies with Vegan yesterday and the movie was, well, quite odd. I bought tickets for a 3:30 showing of the film and told Vegan that we’d meet there Friday. However, I hadn’t expected what happened with my health.

I have a good enough immune system that I don’t get sick enough to miss work. I have worked a few half days and taken off an hour twice, but that has been mostly due to my loathing being in my other building just meeting rather than conducting my work with clients. I had this persistent sinus infection for a long time which infiltrated the roof of my mouth and teeth. The swelling got so bad yesterday that I realized that I needed to see my dentist. The gums were sore to the touch and all of my teeth hurt.

The dental assistant was having a lot of trouble with the computer for my x-rays. I think it likely needed software updates. When she finally projected pictures you could see the swelling on the left side of my teeth and face. When the dentist came in she hit each of my back teeth with a little metal mallet. EXCURIATING on the tooth in question. “I have to open the tooth and drain the infection now. Then, I’m referring you to the endodontist.” Lovely. It’s being 49 and it’s time for a root canal.

She had to take intraoral pictures next. I was probably in three different chairs for 45-minutes. Finally, the dental assistant put the numbing agent in my mouth so that I could start drooling. That is always super fun. Probably another five-minutes elapsed and she gave me my shot. Then my dentist saw a crack. So, we got up to go back to the place where the interior camera was and she took one more shot, and that’s when she showed me a crack from one side to the other and the crossing of the root. 😦

The dentist filed my tooth down to practically nothing and put glue on it. I have to see a specific dental specialist the week of the 25th for an extraction. Apparently, he will put a screw in the place where tooth #14 was and then it will heal over until July 1st when my dentist will build an implant. Fun. 10-days of amoxicillin.

I paid my $72 co-pay and hightailed out of there. I got to the theater with three-minutes to spare and Vegan gave me a side hug and joked about my tooth. All should have been well, but one of the characters gets his teeth knocked out–violently. I didn’t have any experience with the actress in the lead until the movie, and I generally liked the strange film. It evoked Tarantino and the video “Human Behaviour” by Bjork for me. Vegan was horrified. I didn’t know that she couldn’t tolerate any violence and is not a fan of dark humor. Can someone let me know what they think of “Love Lies Bleeding?” Did anyone see it after going to the dentist? Hehe.

by

Women

Introduction

When I was a kid, I didn’t really have female friends. Right now, I don’t have very many male friends except at work. I spent all day Sunday with different women, one of whom, I have just met and want to develop a closer friendship.

Sunday Morning

I took a super long walk with one of my son’s ex’s Moms yesterday. We actually wound up walking nearly 7-miles. In terms of weights, I think that I did four machines instead of my typical amount afterward because I was really sore from boxing the day before. (I can hit two of the machines missed tonight after my normal Monday cardio.) When I got home, I should’ve cooked and cleaned, but it was so warm that I wanted to prowl around a little.

Afternoon

There is a new gay bar close to our capitol, so I parked a bit away from it and walked there to get even more sunshine. I was probably there 2-minutes. The lesbian scene here is pretty limited really. The gay man scene is not. That bar was packed, but there wasn’t a single woman in it so I felt completely out of place. I walked to the bar where we used to have flip cup. Savoring those brussels sprouts–even if they’re a third of the size that they were in the fall–was worth it. I drank a Lone Star and sent the picture to my BFF in San Antonio.

Family Karaoke on Second Sundays

I thought that the bar had a show. That is how good the woman was who was singing. I talked with the bartender for a couple of minutes who told me that Second Sundays are now karaoke. The KJ came over to me, hugged me, and said, “Are you going to sing tonight?” I said that I probably would. There was a couple–I thought–at the table in front of me. I felt awkward at a high top behind them in the otherwise nearly empty bar so I thought, “What the hell?” Laughing internally when I found out that she has the same name as the Realtor, she let me sit down. She and her family had great voices.

Hanging out with a Mom

I don’t meet any women who let their hair grey, but hers is probably more grey than mine, and she highlights it differently. She is the climber’s age, has six kids–four of whom were there–and was friendly. Nice blue eyes and fun to talk to, so I was glad that I asked if it was ok that I joined their table. She then told me her coming out story. I was very interested in it. The thing is that her marriage is closed. However, when I thanked her for telling me it, she grabbed my hand. Given the green light, I hugged her before I left and gave her a card. In 2008, I had cards made with my first name, cell and email. They simply say, “Email, call or text.” She gave me a business card. I told her that if she’d like to do a happy hour some time I am game. I explained that I’m good with boundaries and don’t want her husband to murder me, so I wouldn’t touch her. She laughed and said, “Yes, good call.” It’s so crazy how realizing how good it feels to connect gives you a boost. My mood was great yesterday. I’ll email her at the beginning of next month to hang out and keep good boundaries. I put ethics above everything with the way in which I conduct myself.

Monday Morning

Today I have to run a safety protocol meeting at my other site. That means that I get out of the hideous and worthless afternoon meeting. Bonus! I texted the nice guy and climber that I’d have to drive in solo because I’m leaving three-hours early. I texted the climber that I love her company and she could feel free to ride in with me in the morning and then hop in with the nice guy in the afternoon. She has just texted back, and I’m excited to ride in with her. I am going to feed the pets (in the dark) and then shower and walk my dogs. I hate this time of year with daylight savings time and waking up when it’s pitch black. It’s so stupid to not have left the time change in April, but I guess that people have to stay out buying things that they don’t need. I guess that I, myself, went out from 4-7 last night, but I had a ton of fun and it was nice to socialize.

by

Grow

I’ve known the climber for nearly 6 years. Our relationship started to change significantly in the fall of 2022 when she took me climbing. I think that it’s growing and I know my attachment to her is too. Seasonal change is upon us, and I know that I’m reflecting on her and whatever “us” is.

It’s getting on toward spring now and I’m so happy about it. I hope that we have a spring and it doesn’t just start getting beastly hot. I used to train practitioners in suicide protocols. Did you know that spring is the time that people die by suicide most frequently? I’m happiest in spring, so maybe that means that I always have something to look forward to annually. I don’t know.

Commute

End of a friendship: The nice guy gives excuses instead of commuting with me. One time he confirmed and when I got in my car to go to his house he called and said that he needed to go to the dispensary after work. Yesterday, it was that he needed to go to work early to set up. It’s ok. I think he’ll just fade out of my life after spring. I won’t see him unless he’s walking his dogs and I’m biking.

The climber (Batman) wanted to leave early and ride with me. However, my dogs take forever to walk now so when I got her text, it was late, and I texted that I’d try to get there at 7:20 and she said that she’d just come to me.

She had completed a super long inventory for one of our clients for me so I made her a toasted bagel sandwich (egg, cheddar, spinach) and washed some blueberries for her. She said that I didn’t have to do that because it was her job. I also had a cup of coffee for her too, and this time had vanilla protein milk which is a good substitute for creamer, I think.

We planned the end of our book on our drive to our building. She had a great idea regarding changing the art with the turning point of the protagonist. The main character is like me as a child and now I think that she’s adding elements of her to the character. It’s beautiful actually. I’m excited. We talked about our parents a little bit and she wasn’t tired and we were able to chat the entire time. The commute is pretty mundane after we get out of our neighborhood–it’s complete with a long stretch of city traffic and then two awful highways complete with poor rush hour drivers. Conversation between she and I certainly breaks up the monotony.

Riding Home

She talked a lot about work. She said because it was the last leg before summer term–a term that neither she or I work–it was a good use of time. I said, “I had you all to myself in the car and we mostly talked about work!” She laughed. She planned the final page of our book and said she’d sketch before she did her ice climb workout that she does every Monday.

When we got to my driveway she said, “Thank you for driving. I love your company. I’m so excited to sketch,” and she was lingering by her door. I put my lunchbox, backpack and jacket down. She walked around the front of my car and embraced me tight. We both took deep breaths. I kissed her cheek.

I said that I would be starting breath work, which is concentrating deeply on your breath and moving it in a guided fashion through your body with a guide. I had mentioned previously that all the talk therapy that I’ve done has run its course. I said that when she gave me feedback about not breathing, I knew that was some work that I should do. She said, “You weren’t breathing at all!” I said, “You make my heart race!” She said, “You really like to make me blush!” I said, “While that’s true, right now, I’m just being honest.”

I like this slow and somewhat deliberate expansion between Batman and I ❤ She is part of what I’m thinking about and hopeful for this spring.

by

48 Hours

I used to watch those when I’d get back to my room when I was on a solo vacation. Detectives had to make quick investigative moves within the initial exploration of a crime and there would be a countdown timer running to break up scenes and visually illustrate how cold a trail can go if you don’t have major lead for crime within two days. The climber gives me feedback, has dinner with me, we look at two published books which fit best the genre that we’re writing in, she talks about being excited to sketch, we cuddle on the couch and talk for probably nearly two hours, later we kiss awhile too in the bedroom, she goes home to her partner, I work all day the next day and learn about affirming transgender youth, have fraud on my debit card, go to dinner with Aquarius and Ballet Dancer, get up today, am going to box, do a bit of the guitar class and go to our old haunt for bowling. Whew.

Love Life Progression

She had something really intense happen in her household. She had to support, drive around, and then did make it over. Initially she said that she didn’t really want to talk about it, and then she told me details. I held her incredibly tight. When I said, “I’m shocked that you’re here,” she said, “You of all people are someone who understands these things.” She said that she needed distraction, so I opened good tequila, and we had that and the taco soup that I made. I cleared the dishes and we looked at the pages. She gave me some feedback and I took notes. Then I said that we should sit down. I got her a blanket and we were talking. My terrier was in between us and I said that she was a cuddle buzzkill because I am mostly legs and she’s really muscular so our torsos aren’t a perfect fit sideways on a love seat. She moved my dog, pivoted sideways and I slid behind her. We talked like that for probably close to two-hours.

There is a huge shift since the end of January wherein I told her that I don’t know her well. She offers a lot to me. She also converses with me back and forth when I ask questions. It feels so much different than it ever has. She told me that she watches my hands on the steering wheel and I told her that her ears are the cutest ones that I have ever seen and I look at them when her hair is up. We both said that we could probably comment on hands and ears because the nice guy would be asleep in the back of the car anyway. She can do this thing where if she has contact with your upper body that she can match the pace of your breathing. Later I laid on her chest and she said, “What are you doing?” I said, “Sorry, laying on you like this makes my heart race!” She said, “You’re barely breathing.” Later she asked if she could kiss me and I said, “Of course.” I hope that helped my breathing!

No more talk therapy for me personally

The Rower has a crush on a woman who does an alternate trauma treatment. It’s called breath work. She cried for two hours once in a session. I think that I’ll do some. I also want to start supervised psychedelic treatment. I’m so sick of anxiety and disrupted sleep. I would like to work on the way that I breathe and carry myself.

My son wants to move back home. I really don’t want him here. I’ve had almost 7-months of empty nesting and am perfectly fine seeing him once a week. He also has this prince thing wherein he has expectations of meals and such all the time. I find that I can’t be around someone who cannot follow a schedule. How can watching some gamer that you don’t know beat a video game on YouTube for hours on end be fulfilling? He also has stopped moving and says that he is reluctant to have his fellow students work on him because of the state of his body. Why do you only eat food out of boxes and bags then? I’m writing this stuff, but will be diplomatic on Monday night about it. He just can’t simply move back home because now that he’s in school, and it’s hard to do school and live with his Dad. I’m very sorry that his father is an alcoholic and binge drinker. That does suck. I also am not a servant who you get to say “F-U” to constantly.

In terms of the theme of this entry, I think that I’m making progress. Maybe this entry is more like 49-years? It’s taken me this long to get solid about what I truly want and where I’m going.

by

Connections

I’ve been to the art museum and the ballet with my new friend now. A few times last night I caught myself looking at her body. It’s funny, because I don’t feel a pull to kiss her or embrace close. We have great conversations and enjoyed expensive dinner and the ballet. We’ll likely see each other again soon. I explained that I don’t want strict ruled based partnerships and she told me that likely it was related to having just gotten out of my marriage and I told her that it was related to my returning to my native state. I just feel more comfortable in the magic moments with women and then having my jobs, pets, cardio, weights, boxing, climbing and guitar lessons be my side of my life. I also have creative time scheduled now. I’m going to write a prologue and epilogue today for the book.

I’m finishing “Solo: Building your own Remarkable Life.” If you’ve never listened to the podcast, it’s all new information. I’m enjoying most the small snippets about the author’s life. I think that is a ciswoman thing. Like Carol Gilligan (1982) wrote women are relational. Anyway, he writes about sexual friendships. I wonder if that is the way that I lean. I don’t know really. I know that barring any horrid emergency, no one at all can live in my house and I don’t want to blend any finances.

I’ve been transferring money out of my son’s 529c for school. I started a spreadsheet to give to my accountant next spring. I’m so glad that he’s going to school. He plays video games, looks at his phone, and hangs out with his girlfriend. This round of school will serve as evidentiary support regarding to whether or not he can set and reach goals. I don’t know, but am hopeful.

by

Gearing up

I’m going to work with the climber for a couple of hours the week after next on our book. I’m looking forward to her feedback and seeing her illustrations. I told her that I’m also amenable to story changes. I want to have a couple of pictures out too, because I’m a little married to the idea of a couple of scenes that are autobiographical, so I want to show her the context of them when I was growing up and a child. I’m interested in her childhood too. We should add some elements from hers.

She and I commuted without the guy from work on Monday. I was talking to her about my dog and then my Dad. I said, “It’s going to be much more difficult to lose my dog than it was my Dad. I think that you know that my Dad was abusive.” She was pretty quiet. I told her that I’d done 5-years of analysis and it fixed everything and I was able to show up for everything until he died of COVID. I didn’t really grieve him per se, and made peace with all the yelling, some limited hitting and aggression, and also intimidation. I did what was right. I didn’t give these specifics that I’m writing about here, but left it at “abusive” and making peace with my childhood. Finally, I said, “I don’t want you to feel like my therapist. I want to make sure that it’s ok that you know these things about me.” She said that I know her well too, and I said, “I don’t feel like I know you very well. I just want you to feel comfortable with me when I share.”

I took her home because she doesn’t have a car right now and sometimes borrows her partner’s car. We wished each other well and we have a time and day scheduled after work on the 15th for our book. I still get fluttery with her, but I don’t make any moves because I don’t know what is on or off the table with respect to her partner and don’t want to be disrespectful. I don’t know either if she has another partner currently. Regardless, she is smart and a brilliant artist and I’m so glad to get the book going!

I went to a book launch on Thursday and it was nice. I was incredibly tired though. I left right after it was over because I had already socialized with my friend (The author who I see when I go to the co-ed discussion group.) and met a new friend. The new friend lives near me, so when I go to this group again, I’ll text her to see if she’d like me to pick her up. I’m going to the Women’s Discussion group at the end of the month. My friend who leads it is out of town with her family currently, so I’m going to bring whey protein to drink because the other facilitator doesn’t do any food.

I have my car back. It looks like a cyclops. I have a man who restores headlights on luxury cars coming to my house today to work on the passenger headlight. I’ll have to move out all of my bikes. I’m bringing my Mountain Bike inside. It’s really rainy today. It feels like April. I’m so glad to be out of the monstrous rental car with front wheel drive. It was terrible and really noisy with actual bells and whistles. It barely fit in my garage!

I got the door of my hall closet repaired. I got the sheetrock in the entryway to my basement repaired too. Oddly, right before the potluck the mirror above my stairs fell. It didn’t break and was lodged onto the cat perch where they eat and drink. The paint behind it was bright white. Who paints a house and tapes over a mirror? So careless and lazy! The contractors textured the wall, painted primer over it, and hung the mirror with subtle metal clips. The next project is finding three nice door knobs, painting all the doors, and painting the stairwell where I had a new retractable gate installed. I’ll have the painter also paint behind the mirror in the same color and match the paint that is on most of the accent wall behind my hutch. I want to do projects in my house now that I am alone in it.

by

Review / Renew

Goals from 372 days ago were:

  1. Calm and cool
  2. Spend less
  3. Do you
  4. Lift like a girl
  5. Healthy alcohol consumption
  6. Get big
  7. Love / Connect / Lead with Heart
  8. Sing
  9. Play guitar

With the exception of some massive bursts of anger, I did it all. I couldn’t do #1 while being jerked around by the contractors who were fixing the house to ready it for sale. However, that could’ve been worse. During New Year’s Eve conversation a woman who is new to told me that hers and her now ex-husband had 30k in hail damage to their house, so their proceeds are still not settled. I just have to pay capital gains taxes and close Probate and then I’ll set up an Estate for my son. Easy-peasy, but boy did I lose it off and on all summer!

I went to the woman’s house who typically leads our Discussion Group for a NYE party. This is the women’s Discussion Group. So fun. She did have the desire for me to start dating the writer, but I don’t want to. She’s fairly quiet, has very crooked teeth that are in need of cleaning, and I just want her to be in my friends circle. She’ll come to my potluck. I’m actually very attracted to the woman who leads our group. Her husband said that I should sleep with her and he should sleep with their dog. The latter was really scared about the NYE fireworks. I thought that it was a nice offer, but I had to get home to my dogs who had pooped in the house. 

I worked 4-days last week. I’m also finally laying out the children’s book that I’ve wanted to write for 5-6 years. I have another idea for another book too. You’re supposed to have an agent. I want the climber to illustrate it for us. I texted her about it today, and it would be great to have it completed in draft to hand to her on Monday. We commuted with the nice guy to work and one of her partners picked her up after work as he needed her to drive him to the airport. I’m so glad that she is partnered with an elite athlete. It’s nice to be with someone that you have ton in common with! She sent a group text to me and two colleagues for the New Year, and I didn’t get it for an hour-and-a-half because I was leaving the house party. I’m also leaving that assignment for my job starting in the fall. I don’t want to have any toxic bosses.

  1. Say “Yes” to social obligations
  2. Box more
  3. Climb more
  4. Practice guitar 5-minutes + per day
  5. Publish a children’s book
  6. Sing daily
by

Angels

I was completing my second to last errand on the 23rd, and made a turn from a busy street onto a normally typical city trafficked street in a mostly commercial area of town. I was in the right lane and there was another car traveling in the same direction barely ahead of me in the left lane. Suddenly, there was a car heading across the lanes and I swerved, applied my brakes, but he still hit me. I pulled into the parking lot. He said, “Sorry, I didn’t think that I was ever going to make it across that street!” and then he went into a dispensary. I was disoriented and shaking. A woman in the large parking lot across the street started yelling at me. She and I tried to talk across four lanes of traffic and a turn lane as she was at the edge of the parking lot that the man had torn out of. Finally, I heard what she kept shouting, “He hit you!” It happened so fast and my vision of him was blocked until he was right there. There had been a car in the other lane traveling in the same direction that I was, so I couldn’t really process what had happened. I walked across the now busy street.

Her daughter had developmental disabilities. She was convinced that the driver was drunk. His face was really red when he was shouting at me. He was still in the dispensary. Because I couldn’t stop shaking, I called 911. She and I took pictures of each other’s licenses and she told me about the guy selling flowers. He was on the other corner of the parking lot with paint buckets of roses. He had been shouting too, and was upset by the guy hitting me as well as were this woman and her daughter. She kept telling me that she would be a witness and so would the man selling roses.

The guy did eventually come out of the dispensary and the woman with me started yelling across the lanes of traffic at him. He was laughing and smiling, and finally realized that there was a problem. He said, “I thought that I hit a curb!” It was the weirdest thing in the world. The police did respond. They eventually did allow me to go and gave me a business card with a case number on it and told me to give that to my insurance company and tell them that I was the no fault driver. He had expired license plates, and was in a fancy company luxury car that had other damage at the back and when the police asked him about that he said, “Oh, that’s been there. That’s another time.” He also produced a little folio with commercial car insurance. When I got home and could think about things logically I noticed the policy was for the years 2014-2015.

On Christmas Eve, I woke up at 4 and just got out of bed a bit before 5 when I realized that I wouldn’t be able to sleep. I called the number on his policy and 45-minutes later was able to make a claim. He must actually be insured. They took the claim. I’ll call them again on Tuesday. In fact, I’ll call them every day until January 2nd when I have to go back to one of my jobs.

The first angel was the woman. The second angel was her daughter. I think that folks who have intellectual disabilities are plugged into other planes and see things that others don’t. I think some of it is safety mechanisms and other aspects are related to other gifts. The next angel was LA. Last night, she took me to the Christmas Eve dinner party and took me home. It was way out of her way and too much extra driving. The next angel appears tonight and it’s the woman from my bowling team who is taking me to her friends’ house tonight. They’re a married couple from her soccer team, and I’ve already met one of the women when we went out one Saturday afternoon when an Irish pub was closing and it was their last weekend. I haven’t met her wife and will tonight. 

by

Ranking

“Open” was wonderful. (I’m on a memoir kick right now, as I’d read “A Serial Killer’s Daughter” and am currently reading “The Snipers We Couldn’t See.” I did read “Lessons in Chemistry” last month too, but it was just my quick jaunt into fiction for a moment in time.) This particular memoir covers multiple years of a primary relationship which had iterations of monogamy, poly-mono, swinging and also some ranked relationships with some friendship between a few of the metamours.

I can recommend this memoir absolutely. Rachel Krantz’s narrative is vulnerable and raw. I think, too, that I could relate to being a secondary partner by reading her reflections. I’m absolutely going to listen to her podcast today. 

When I was with Motor Cycle Woman, who I just can’t call the drunk anymore, I became her secondary partner. I was fine with it too. What I wasn’t fine with was feeling energy from her primary all the time and I think it was mostly due to me knowing so many things about her primary. We never met and I never actually saw her–not even a picture. Motor Cycle Woman used me like a therapist really. She was seeing all kinds of women for months and then settled on me and her primary. 

I know that Motor Cycle Woman eventually subbed her out and made me primary. That was when she went back to monogamy too. Likely the only reason she did that was because at the time I wanted an escalator relationship and she moved 6 states away. She was only poly for 2-3 years. I do struggle generally with people who say that it’s just lifestyle. From my experience it’s like sexuality and is wiring. 

I had a good conversation with her last November or December, and then when I talked to her again in the dead of winter I was on speaker in her and her wife’s car and the conversation sucked. I wonder how she views her intimate relationships now, but I won’t find out because I have no contact with her. I can assume some though as when I changed my FB profile picture she did the thumbs up like it along with 65 other people. I guess although I’m pushing 50, a black cocktail dress and heels is still sexy.

The year is coming to a close. I’m thinking about my next decade. Half a century.

I think that the women who I know currently would consider me secondary or very loosely tertiary like a satellite or comet. One may not consider me at all at present because we had one very good conversation and haven’t seen each other again although we were drawn to each other. I want to be really careful as I enter into relationships so as to avoid completely the therapeutic component. Meeting metamours would help. I think that I’d just listen and not encourage or make comments at all. Then, I’d like to say what I know from my recent experiences and perspective. I don’t think my experiences with non-ethical non-monogamy in high school and college are part of the current conversation. There are elements of primacy and rank that I’d like to talk through.

by

Is that a cat in your purse?

So, the bar wherein we had flip cup for kickball in late summer early fall now has karaoke on Wednesdays. The music was really low, so I’ll have to communicate more with the KJ when we go back so I can sing well. I met LA there. She’s been my friend for probably 20-years or so and was so gorgeous when we were in our 20s. I had boxing last night; she was already there when I changed and met her.

I had been boxing before, and now I love it and have resigned myself that I’m just going to bang up my hands somewhat. I can’t NOT box, climb, cut vegetables or play guitar. And, gracious, do I love to box. It’s AMAZING. 

One of my friends from our summer bowling team showed up with her cousin later and met LA and I to eventually sing. It was fun, but my friend had been drinking earlier, hit a wall, and her cousin had to take her home because she was wasted. I ate a semi-greasy Bahn Mi, because the regular kitchen isn’t open on Tuesday or Wednesday, so I walked around the sandwich shop. I was so sad. I wanted their seared brussels sprouts with thick balsamic vinegar and chunks of blue cheese. I may have to get those today, actually. I may.

LA and I sang, hung out with sculpted gay men who sang like Broadway singers and I even danced a little with a handsome professional singer. Ha. Probably because I’d just been boxing. Dancing is so scary. Such nice and talented guys there. Also, the man whom I danced with is from the same town that LA is in Louisiana. Cool connections and fun all around.

Later, a woman came in with her boyfriend and had an orange tabby in her handsewn bag. The bar was so loud. I was immediately concerned. Although a majority of singers were show quality, there was still some elements of cacophony and discord, and the cat was unphased. I had to go back and forth and pet the big boy. I learned later that they’re all from GA, he’s 11, and was an outdoor cat until now because it snows here. I loved that life became a movie that I enjoyed which I saw with my ex-wife (“Boundaries” 2018). Who knew that cats like the bar?

by

Bridge

I met Rower, Vegan and the Realtor for a walk yesterday after I lifted weights. Rower and I had a giggle about that one. I said that I was lifting so would park elsewhere and walk over to the lot that I put in the calendar notice that I sent. When I saw her, and went over to give her a big hug, she said, “Why didn’t you drive? You took a Lyft?” Hahaha. I told her it was all about the “i” and not the “y.” She’s so great. I’m very lucky to have her in my life. She’s smart and reflective.

There isn’t even a touch of anything between the Realtor and I. It reminds me of some curriculum that you can use with clients who have cognitive or developmental delays–we do the Green Far Away Hug Circle. It helps actually, because then I won’t think about her. She was super interested in how we all met, so we explained it as best as we could. It’s kind of funny, because Rower, Vegan and I are all divorced now. I’m the only one who doesn’t want an escalator again. They’re actually good examples. I don’t have one friend. I have tons of friends, so I would rather see 2-5 women. Expecting someone to be everything for you gets too riddled with expectations and demands and frankly too much uninterrupted time together. Gross. I still want magic.

I was going to go to some lakes today with Ballet Dancer, The access road is closed so we’re going to go to the base of three high peaks and see if that access road is open, and if not, we’re going to go through a mountain pass to another snowshoeing route. I’m finally retiring Motorcycle Woman’s snowshoes. Historically, I’ve only been with women who were taller than me and she was just a hair under 6′. Her snowshoes don’t really work for me; although, I’ve used them 5-6 times. I’m trading them in for store credit at 10 am and then hitting the highway to meet Ballet Dancer. Prior to then, I will buy snowshoes for myself.

My ex wife and I hiked up to a lake right before Christmas of 2018–her snowshoes were overtightened, brand-new, but wouldn’t open, so I took off my snowshoes all together eventually so as to be fair.

It was cool to walk with these four women today. When we got back to the car, having logged over 13,000 steps together, they asked what we’d do next and we’d been toying with a queer women circle. Not a Meet Up; although, that would be possible for things not at my house, but a group. 

We’re going to find a snowshoe route today no matter what!

We put a date on the calendar and I just titled it Homo Potluck. I hope that Libra comes, as she got back together with her ex and moving back to the south in three-months, so it would be a last time to see her. The Realtor is inviting 6 people. I’ll make a salad and a taco bar, and will get two large bottles of Montepulciano de Abruzzo and of course have beer. For the former, I’ll have vegetarian and vegan options. Speaking of which, I’m reading “Open,” which is a memoir and the reflection on being Vegan is revolting. There was a piece of about using animals for your own pleasure and eating their secretions. It made my stomach flip around. Yuck. 

I miss my women. The host had another baby so I won’t see any of them until next month. I’ve gone to the other group twice, but don’t feel as pulled there. Likely some of it is setting because with my other group we sit around a living room and she cooks. It’s just different in a party room at a restaurant. I’ll keep going though, because I love the author and want her to continue being my mentor.

I’m going to walk my dogs, take a good shower and then head downtown for snowshoe work. Then, it’s up to the mountains! I can’t wait to see Ballet Dancer and catch up with her.

by

Boxing

I’m going to do a boxing conditioning class today. I can’t wait. I love to box, but my hands are fragile and no matter how I tape them, they swell like crazy. They actually swell with lots of things: climbing, guitar, too much cooking–meaning using the knife. However, I soak them in Epsom salt when they’re giving me trouble.

Today there is about 3-inches of snow in my backyard. They’re way less in the front, but there is ice. I’ll have to shovel the driveway completely so there aren’t any hazards before I drive to class. I’m drinking coffee and writing.

I picked up the Climber at a collision place on Monday. The nice guy and I were already in the car and she was pretty stressed out. I worked (on site) for the University in the afternoon after seeing clients and simply shut my door and put a sign on it, as I’d taken personal leave. I was still interrupted twice, but not while I was in Zoom. It was dead silent on the drive back home until the Climber made a comment about the light in the sky. We dropped off the nice guy and then the Climber and I talked. When we got to the collision place, she seemed stressed out again. She wants to buy snow tires after they fix her car given that she has just had an accident. Has technology changed a lot? Can you drive on hot asphalt with your snow tires on your car? When I snowshoed in the mountains this March, I noticed sections of the road were missing near a tunnel to get home. I’m ok doing winter driving, but I can’t say that I love it. I’ve not had any accidents at all since a week after my son had his T & A procedure. I think it was 2008. I drive slow and watch the road when conditions are bad. They’re bad today and pretty icy because it’s 20 degrees outside, so I’ll be very cautious driving to boxing.

I’ve been texting with the Realtor. I love making friend connections and have organized a walk with Rower, Vegan, she and I. That is going to be fun. I’ve warned her that she and I will walk and Vegan and Rower will “walk.” I walk fast, and they are much faster than me. Probably less to do with the pace and more to do with them being taller than me. I’m looking forward to the overheard conversation porn.

Vegan texted about a mountain film fest in the next town over two Mondays from now. I would be very disappointed if it sold out, so I bought a ticket and donated money before I started writing. Hopefully, she will go too, but it’s a movie, so it doesn’t matter if I go alone. I saw “Renaissance” alone last Friday. It was great. I’ll be up in that area two days in a row, so I really wish that I had a house and pet sitter. There’s a really charming B & B that my son and I stayed at when he learned to snowboard up there, and that would be wonderful. Ballet Dancer and I are snowshoeing some lakes in a forest the day before. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen her and she has a bf now. He’s beyond fit.

Our group was fun on Monday night. The author was setting up the room when I got there so I gave her a big hug and then she sat with me again after people got there. We’re finally going to grab dinner in January. Her sweetheart’s boyfriend sat with us and I am going to commission him to make some art of my cat. Speaking of which, I want to lay out my children’s book. I’ll cartoon it a little, and then I want to ask the Climber to draw for me. That would be great if I could have it all laid out by January 5th. I have so much more bandwidth for creative pursuits now that my son doesn’t live with me and my parents’ estate will close this spring.

by

Family: Chosen and Otherwise

My Aunt was here nine-days and not a week. She was with her daughter for two nights, but otherwise with me. We had a good time and just one little conflict.

I worked 8-7 on Friday and was basically chained to my home office desk in Zoom. That software is useful, but is being used for something that it wasn’t designed to do now. I had seen it in 2015 as a pop-up meeting application and now classes are held on it. I mostly refuse. However, at one university I have students in AK, FL, IL, WA, and other states. I have to run a supervision time with them on Zoom because of geography–it’s only two-hours with a 15-20 minute break. However, on the days that I’m on it for speaking mostly and posing questions, I get weird. I was weird Friday night, because I’d been in evaluation meetings via Zoom all day and then led supervision afterward.

I got up Saturday, did my slow leisurely coffee, and then when I got back my Aunt texted that she was really close. I realized that my house would just be dirty and messy when she got here and she’d have to deal with it because she’d chosen to come early. When she got here, I found out that she was staying through Monday. However, she’s a link to my Mom. My Mom has been gone two-years yesterday. And my Aunt sees me. All of me. She’s super religious in a rigid way wherein everything is tied back to God’s plan so grief isn’t a thing and neither is much of anything else; however, she doesn’t care at all that I was married to a woman for 8-years. She adored my ex-wife. She knew me when I looked like a boy too, so she accepts me. She’s only 20-years older than I am.

Wednesday, we had Thanksgiving with her, my son, eventually my son’s girlfriend–she had another accident so was late here–and Rower and her son. Rower has been my friend for 12-years and is a phenomenal athlete. She is going through a breakup right now, and the writing of which had been on the wall for months, so she was sad and didn’t eat. I just love her son now. He went through an entitled stage and now is a joy. I’m going to find something for the four of us to do together when he turns 15 in two weeks. My neighbors, who are my family now, came over and taught us Just One and we ate spiced pumpkin cheesecake and a cherry pie with a lattice top. (Don’t ever buy pie filling. Spring for $17 of water packed cherries and make it yourself with real almond extract.)

The sage looks a little unsettling under the skin

I picked up tamales from my friend who is broke. She earned money for her rent by making 50 dozen for the holiday. I made pintos with red chili and Mexican rice with ground green chili to accompany them. So, we ate well for a couple of days.

I did a lot of cleaning and laundry. My Aunt was watching me fold towels one morning and said, “You need a wife.” I said, “There will never be another wife.” It gave me pause. My mother never would have said that to me. When she was so angry with me one time, probably around 2009 or so, she said, “It’s different when you have gay people in your own family!” My aunt sees the whole me and loves me. My sexuality doesn’t matter to her at all.

The nice guy and Batman and I commuted yesterday. It was ok. I’m sometimes really troubled by how stoned the former is all the time. I don’t know a ton about marijuana, but I have heard that it stunts your progress in the cognitive realm. He seems really young to me a lot of the time. I am ten-years-older than he is, but I do think that taking edibles all day makes you seem kinda simple. Batman was scheduled to the max last night and is tonight too. I’ll see them both on Monday.

My brother would have been 40 on Monday. It’s strange and sad. I definitely think about him almost everyday.

I have a discussion group on Monday night. I’m really looking forward to it. I hope that I get to see the author too. She is slowly losing her mother, and I’d love to connect with her. I will write again on Tuesday.

by

Purge

Last Sunday the CEO sent another follow request. Her new tiny avatar that you can see on your phone for Instagram was of her with her son. When she sent me a follow request a week ago it was just a picture of her. I sat down at this desktop and I went through all the steps for blocking and reporting her. Now, I don’t think that she can find me. I texted my friend who resulted in us being introduced and called her a Donald Trump Mummy. My friend said that she looks like Reba McIntyre. I prefer my assessment.

The coolest things about my ex-husband and my ex-wife is that they leave me alone. That’s super oversimplified, and I’m grateful for the chapters that I had with them both, but they get it. Breakups and divorces are the end of that time.

I’m permanently off the relationship escalator, which I know is much a function of making good money and being privileged. I can get hybrid life and long-term care insurance going for myself this spring. I don’t want breakups anymore. I don’t think that I have to have them because I’m being slow and steady. I like the idea of the relationship smorgasbord. I don’t like the podcast where I was exposed to it at all–the hosts are arrogant and a bit whiny. But, I like working through the smorgasbord talking with friends and am excited to do that with someone reciprocally who is a romantic interest. This concept had been recommended to me by Maryland and I found it on the podcast that I don’t listen to and had listened to a couple of episodes prior to this one.

I did karaoke with my group on Wednesday. Maryland’s primary partner was there and I talked to her quite a bit. She’s really cool. Also, my friend from the women’s discussion group showed up and I gave her a giant hug. She’s a gem. I adore her! She was there with a couple of men. I’m not sure if they’re her partners. Maryland showed up an hour later, and after everyone from the group connected with him, I gave him a very quick hug. He only said one thing to me that was slightly flirty and then I complained that I was initially the only woman here with the exception of his partner, and it was a scary sausage fest and I almost left.

That’s true. I walked in and the bar was lined with men, there were men playing shuffleboard and men at the tables. They stared me down. It was uncomfortable and I was grateful to have no make up on and be in jeans and t-shirt. He said bars like this appeal to that demographic. He went later to play shuffleboard and the queue was getting way too long to sing again, so I hugged folks I was sitting with, hugged Maryland’s partner, and went to my friend and shook one of her folk’s hand and gave her a big hug. I looked around and Maryland was elsewhere. I just told his partner to give him my best.

I bring these things up because you can define lots of elements that work for both people if you subscribe to the idea of the relationship smorgasbord. I would like to add more Communication to my dynamic with the Climber. I would like someday to add Romantic to my dynamic with the Realtor. I had a weird ping and a few fleeting moments with my bowling teammate and I’m interested to see what that was. I’m a slow processor and really on the fence. It’s all the smorgasbord for me.

by

Shifts

I went on my community walk yesterday and a fourth grade girl was obsessed with my dogs so she talked with me, and accompanied me on my walk. So cute. Her grandparents thanked me when we got back to the fruit, breakfast bars and coffee after our walk. I called my colleague who almost died and we caught up. She’s doing really well. Then it was off to the climbing gym.

I get so intimidated by some cismen. I couldn’t tie in and then just gave up so my friend I did auto belay routes. I had fun and was really sore yesterday afternoon. I’ll do knots at home and then I do need to buy a grigri. I think it will be free. I have a ton of points. You can’t use an ATC in gyms.

She and I took breaks and talked a lot too. I had to remind her that she cried when we were waiting for the outdoor wall to open this summer when we were bouldering. I told her that she texted me because she was in the breakup spot. It’s true. I’m trained as a clinical psychologist, so I am a good listener and she’s not paying me so I can just tell her what I’m seeing. I asked, “How long have you ever gone without a girlfriend?” She just looked at me. Then it was nervous laughter. I said, “You don’t want to be alone. You don’t want to be with her necessarily.”

Her mother died from all the complications related to Alzheimer’s. She still has her Dad. She’s about four-months and two-years older than me. She has her sister too, and she told my friend to break up with her girlfriend. I told her to be a good friend to her while she works her shit out. There is a lot too. I don’t know how many years she was married to her husband, but they finally have divorced and he is already transitioned to female. She has an ex-wife in reality. She also does lots of push and pull. It’s all that avoidant attachment stuff. My friend has an anxious attachment and really doesn’t want to die alone.

I think that when you part, you are alone. I told her that I’m interested in hybrid long-term care insurance with an additional life policy. My son will not do anything that I’ve done now for going on ten-years.

I had a great time with her though and she is one of my two lesbian friends. She divorced about two-years before I did. I’m pretty confident that her ex-wife married her to get her pension and other assets. They’d been together for 15-years or more before getting married, and were maybe married 3-5 years. My other friend who is lesbian has been married twice. Once to man, as I was, and she also has a son. She and her ex-wife had another son who is now college age. They both get it, and get me, and I love seeing them seasonally.

I won’t remarry. I won’t cohabit. I still want those romantic moments.

Soooooo Friday night. I went to my end of the season party for kickball and my two male teammates weren’t there. I had mentioned it to one of my bowling teammates prior to leaving work and then I asked the officiator if I could “make” a team for cornhole and flip cup. He said absolutely and he had shirts for them. I was in my team shirt, but took one because they were cool. Our other teammate from bowling got there about 45-minutes later with one of her friends from work. I was so glad to see her. I got up and hugged her and then she said that she liked my eye makeup and had never seen it before. I think that I’d had it on before at bowling, but dunno. I definitely look different without makeup on. We didn’t win, but my other teammate and her old roommate showed up too and we had a ton of fun with our team of 5. She texted me asking if I’d gotten home ok, and we’ve exchanged texts.

She’s fit and very nice. Southern nice. She’s Persian and attractive. Typically, I look at blonds and redheads and have been mostly with women with light eyes. My first girlfriend–high school–was brown eyed and the little liar was brown eyed. However, eye color is superficial. I think that we look at who we look at, but on-going attraction is complicated. It felt really nice to have her texting with me because she’d never done that outside of group texting. It’s nice too because I don’t have to have any conversations with her about me and where I am with my life. I had handed the Orchestra Director who also plays on our bowling team my copy of “The Ethical Slut,” this summer because she wanted to read it. We’ll see.

I have to lift weights before book club today. I really liked the book this time. I’m excited for book club and our conversations. I’m not excited to grade papers and watch videos for feedback all afternoon and evening. However, I had an offer for a soccer watch party with a nacho bar last night and then hang out at the cowboy bar and I elected to watch tv in my basement. I’ve done A LOT of talking this weekend, so maybe grading won’t be as bad as it usually is!

Image by StockSnap from Pixabay