Tag Archives: Relationships

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Life and Death

At the beginning of May I got a text from my aunt who lived at my parents’ house April of 2020 through mid-December of 2021 which said that my Mom’s only brother’s wife (my Aunt by marriage) had Stage 4 Brain and Lung Cancer and wouldn’t be seeking treatment. In the text it said that I was only to go through her and not anyone else. That felt weird so I said that I would send a message to my other cousin through FB because I had communication with her there and she freaked out. I get it. She’s 70 and thinks that people can read private messages.

I called her and she was so upset that she spent most of our conversation yelling at me. That’s about her and isn’t about me. She’s about the same right now and really negative so I’m not talking to her or communicating with her much. I never had noticed how much unsolicited advice that she gives either until this time.

She called me Saturday afternoon and I was in a coffee shop.

I was at a coffee shop because my house is still tented, plastic is everywhere and the rooms are either barren or have odd things around such as ladders, equipment and I don’t have faces on many of my cabinets as repainting those is a whole 3-day process that the project manager has described as “tedious.” I was taking space from this disorder in a local coffee shop.

When my Aunt called I said, “Hi, I’m in a coffee shop and I’ll have to go outside,” and then when I walked outside and put my cell back to my ear she was still talking. She then said, “I’m not sure that I’m supposed to tell you but Aunt _______ passed away this afternoon,” and I said, “Thank you for letting me know, I’ll text ________.” She told me don’t call until tomorrow. I said, “Ok, thanks for letting me know.” She talked about my not calling or getting into contact with my cousins today some more and I just listened to her prattle and didn’t say anything because she’s been on edge and prone to yelling. I know it’s stress, but I can avoid being the recipient of her mismanagement of it.

I texted my cousin and she and I exchanged texts afternoon and evening on Saturday. My other cousin, who I recently had breakfast with when she was here for an appointment with her daughter, texted me too.

It’s going to be really rough, but I’ll drive approximately 5-hours  before the sun comes up on Thursday morning to attend my Aunt’s wake and funeral. I’m driving back around 1 pm or so because I don’t want to be away from my house or pets. Luckily, my neighbors are feeding (both meals) and tending to my pets a few times on Thursday.

I’m loyal to this Aunt. She has put flowers on my brother’s grave for years. This uncle, who is my Mom’s only brother and was married to my Aunt, drove my brother’s body to this area where my mother’s family was born and farmed. He got my brother’s body to the church and he’s buried near my Grandfather who I adored.

They’re good people and I’m proud to have them as my family.

When my mother died, my son, my then wife, the Aunt who took care of my parents’ house, my Uncle (mother’s brother) and my cousin and I conducted a short graveside service at my brother’s and grandfather’s grave for my parents. We spread ashes of my parents’ on those graves. Doves landed on the wires and sang songs. It was nice and simple.

I’m really glad to be there for this cousin on Thursday to be part of rituals for the loss of her mother. Sadly, her mother was my cousin’s self-described “person,” and from what I’ve gathered via text was her touchstone. This loss will be incredibly difficult for her. Like me, she has one brother, and I’ve not seen him in nearly 30-years. It will be nice to see him; although, that our connection is at his mother’s funeral is sad. His sister is a gem and wrote to my mother for years. There were times that my mother received her letters when she was in the facility too. Again, they’re wonderful family members.

Rituals for the dead are really for the living
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Nightmares

I started off my day having breakfast with one of my first cousins whom I’d not seen since 1997. I met her kids too, and they were so cool. I had to take my dog to the vet–she had a concerning lab result in her blood, and they’re running her blood through the lab again. I also had an appointment (telemedicine) for me because I’m having weird aches in my hips and can’t sleep very well given being perimenopausal. That appointment was great and the outcome will be part of subsequent entries as I trial out two meds. And then I went to a bowling team member’s house to cook meals that our other team member had ordered and couldn’t cook given the funeral back east for her paternal grandmother. We ate the meals with our friend who named our bowling team. I got a text showing the water cremation container and alter type of area in the family viewing area too for my former sister-in-law. It was a busy day.

I got to sleep around 10:30. However, I had weird nightmares and can only remember one with any detail this morning.

I’ve had nightmares most of my life. I had them as a child, adolescent, and young adult. During my second marriage they were less frequent.

I probably hadn’t had one this disturbing or memorable in 5-years or so.

The nightmare: I was helping my former in-laws in a house. My brother-in-law was in and out of the house and the last time he left he said that he was going elsewhere. I was changing in a bedroom and saw his face in the window and then he sauntered off. I went outside to confront him, had trouble finding him, and then found him by an out building under a tree. He said that he was playing music and there was a guitar and some whistles also outside. The latter were those that Pan or another mythical creature would play.

When I got back to the bedroom he was staring in again, and I screamed for him to leave. He stared me down, his eyes glowed white, and he put his large palm on the window and it glowed.

I think that it’s probably time for me to get back in talk therapy.

I read completely this summer “The Body Keeps the Score,” and found the chapters on yoga, theater, and art inspiring.

Moving traumatic memories through your body is efficacious and may be a better modality for people who’ve gone through events which were outside of their control.

I flirt around with learning to dance, recording audio content for books (I have a very nice speaking voice), and keeping up with my boxing.

However, I think that in addition to any new body centered practice, I better do some work with regards to this murder which I’m obviously processing.

My childhood was weird. I lost my brother in an accident that severely injured me. I have atrophy on my lower left side due to that accident. My parents never picked up the pieces of losing my brother and I probably haven’t either. My Dad was emotionally and physically abusive. My son was very difficult to raise, and he’s not raised yet. My ex-wife was the love of my life. She has massive health problems and is now partnered in an unconventional situation with a man. I think that is a good idea for her for a variety of reasons and she hadn’t been with a man since 8-10th grade.

Anyway, I have memories and experiences that are likely stuck in my body. I need to approach making sense of experiences so I’m not carrying the weight of them.

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Single

I’ve been connecting with some women who are in my far away friends circle via phone. Our lives just don’t intertwine, and I’m personally more apt to make myself do things than I am to go hang out with people frequently. I don’t mind if there’s an activity, purpose or meal, but otherwise, I can’t just hang out.

There were times with my ex-wife’s family that I felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin just sitting around talking for hours. I would get up to take a walk, and often be asked what I was doing and then folks would say, “Wait a minute, I’m going to join you.” I guess that was mostly fine, because at least I was with people doing something.

I have a birthday twin. Except for both liking polysyllabic words and details, we couldn’t be more different. Come to think of it, I don’t know her moon or ascendant… Likely that explains some of our differences. Anyway, she was biking to her favorite coffee shop midway through last month and hit gravel. Unfortunately, she went over her handlebars. She broke her nose, had road rash on her face and broke her radius badly.

What do people who are single do when they have medical appointments?

Their friends take them to the appointments.

I’ve found too that friends are way less resentful about hustling for you when they don’t have to. A spouse has to be involved with you constantly according to societal norms. They’re also expected to take you to medical appointments when you’re injured.

I had a very strange week last week and talked to many people who I hadn’t really spoken with much in years. Some of them are newly single, some have almost always been single, and others are those who have been coupled with various people during the tenure of our friendship. It’s interesting to me that being coupled is the norm and being single is somehow seen as isolated or at the very least unconventional.

Do you have single friends? What is the percentage of your life that you’ve spent single since you graduated from high school? Are their drawbacks to having a live in partner or being married?

Image by Tú Anh from Pixabay
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Empty

TRIGGER WARNING

In 2021, we three went to visit my wife’s family. I said that we would be staying in a hotel room because although we were welcome at my mother-in-law’s, I had never liked my brother-in-law who also lived there at the time. He lived there on a small amount of rent, had the upstairs with his other three family members, and still bitched about my mother-in-law and her boyfriend all the time. My mother-in-law and her boyfriend, who owned that beautiful house, were doing much of the childcare and my mother-in-law also cooked the meals for all of six of them for over a year when their daughter was born. They already had one son.

It was mostly an ok trip until the last day before we were to begin our drive home.

We started out the day with my sister-in-law having to work; although we had a hike of a wild cave planned that morning. Because she worked in the solar industry, my son expressed interest in it and she took him to work with her. He helped her with some of the installation and learned a ton, and they listened to Nirvana and Pearl Jam, which blew his 15-year-old mind.

My wife and I did this incredible hike together while they were at the house installing some solar hook-ups. It was a nice way to wait for her to be done working. I was grateful that my sister-in-law took my son to work.

After she and my son were done with the installation, and they were heading back to pick us up at the trailhead where she’d dropped my wife and I off. We all went back to my mother-in-law’s to pick up her two kids for our exploration of a wild cave. Unfortunately, she got a call from the homeowner who said that her streaming service and internet was not working. My sister-in-law explained how to hook it up again, but they didn’t want to work on it. She ultimately had to go back all the way out to their house, so we were delayed to leave for our wild cave hike.

I was starving. I looked in the fridge and asked my mother-in-law if I could have two of the cooked eggs in there because she was making muffins for the road for my sister-in-law and us for our drive back. The kitchen was busy. My sister-in-law and her family were going to San Diego the next day for a few days, and as I’d said, we were beginning our drive back home that day as well.

They were special eggs. They were cooked and then cold water cooled. Not soft boiled, but not hard boiled either. They were my special-brother-in-law-eggs. My mother-in-law said that after she was done with the muffins she’d make two exactly how my brother-in-law liked them as he would be taking them to San Diego. She was making those muffins for us (her daughter’s family) and them (her other daughter’s family).

I ate two, and then we all sat around on our phones waiting for my sister-in-law to get back from the homeowners where she only had to turn on a switch.

My brother-in-law came home and said, “Oh, nice. Everybody is on their damn phones.”

I said, “I’m paying a new premium for my bundled car and home policy and had something time sensitive.”

And he scoffed.

I thought to myself, “Why should an adult have to explain what an adult is doing on a phone?”

Then the missing eggs were discovered. He said, “What the fuck!” He started slamming cabinet doors and said, “This kitchen is a mess!”

My mother-in-law said that after she was done with the muffins she was replacing those two eggs and told me that I could have them. I should point out that my sister and brother-in-law had chickens.

Then, the freakshow ensued. He was screaming and yelling and saying fuck more times than anyone could count.

I left and got in my wife’s car and went to Safeway. My mother in law called me when I was at Safeway and asked me to pick up vanilla ice cream for her cobbler. I bought that and the eggs and came back to the house.

My sister-in-law and my brother-in-law were arguing in the driveway. After awhile he came over the car where I was parked two houses away and he said, “I didn’t know everyone is so sensitive!”

I said, “______, you’re in the wrong. You flipped out over two eggs that would be replaced. They will be and I bought you a dozen new ones. He said, “Well, I’m sorry.” I said, “Ok, I hope that you have some rest when you get to San Diego.”

We explored the wild cave only us three.

Wild and scary cave.

I guess that my telling everyone that I was raised by someone who raged and flew off the handle all the time and wouldn’t be around it or that behavior ever again was a catalyst. Within a few weeks of that day they had a family meeting. Within a few months they would move back to their house that they owned. My mother-in-law still helped with her grandkids all the time. I’ll never forget her telling me that night when we had cobbler at our hotel, “That is between them. I don’t understand her choice in a spouse.”

The following winter they moved. They had to complete some renovations on their old home before settling back there with their two kids. They lived there about two-years.

He murdered her there last month.

I have cried off and on all day. I texted my ex-wife in the late afternoon. It said that my son said that he’d spoken with her. I asked if she was all talked out and said that if she wasn’t, I’d listen. I talked to her for well over two hours. I had not spoken to her in 25-months.

I feel empty, depleted, and I hope that narcissist rots in hell.

Left behind are two orphaned children. I can’t believe that my sister-in-law is gone. She was funny, active and took me on some wonderful hikes. She played Nintendo with me in my basement before she had her kids. She could play guitar and was always up for anything. I’ll never laugh with her again or go on an adventure. My son never had the opportunity to learn from her again.

I’ll leave you with one of the last texts that I received from her “I’m glad that I got to spend some time getting to know ___ a little more too when you guys came out. His interests remind me a lot of my teenage years too. 🙂 We’re moving out of this house in a few months so I’ll have a chance to look at some of my old stuff I saved. If I see anything he might like I’ll save it for him. 🤠”

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Holiday

I’m having such a better year so far. When I think back on my holiday weekend last year, I was depressed and lonely. I’m so glad to be two-years away from my divorce and am feeling connected closely to people. Sometimes when you’re married, you’re less connected to your friends when you’re not careful about how you invest your time.

Vacation versus work: I’ve been off of work one month tomorrow. The current class that I’m teaching requires me to only check email so far. I did teach once, but because the class was optional, only six students showed up (21 students). I’ll take it though, because last fall I had 26 students in the same class and my pay was messed up until October and my supervising professor somehow had an oversight and didn’t completely address the issue of my pay until January! So, collecting a nice paycheck for checking email this summer is completely fine by me. Things will go back to the work tunnel on August 9th. That class will ramp up too because students will be in sites.

Thursday: I went to a BBQ at the house of the woman who leads our women’s discussion group. I had a great time talking to her husband. I brought a tossed salad and grilled some corn kernels that I never would have eaten with scallions, granulated garlic and Mexican spices. I did it on the Weber, which is always fun. I got to know much better the woman’s husband and I also met her boyfriend. I had a nice time connecting at the party. I had to get home though before dark because my dog gets really scared with fireworks.

Cooking on my Weber for my 40th bday party (almost 10-years ago)

Friday: Yesterday we went to happy hour for some appetizers and then I was late to karaoke. I was embarrassed later, but had lost track of time. I was having a good time talking with LA, a woman from my bowling team, and the Realtor. It was really nice to see the latter. I’m glad that we are comfy around each other. I had a nice time and sang one song the best that I ever had. Singing and hanging out together is so nice.

Today I have to help LA get her car. It’s in front of my neighbor’s house. They’re like family to me, and I hope that they don’t mind having a car in front of their home. I had driven LA to the venue where we sang karaoke and then drove her all the way home. I’m going to pick her up and bring her to my house too. It’s the least that I can do, and she was gracious and came all the way to pick me up Christmas Eve when I was T-boned. I’d have been sitting alone in my house on that holiday without her.

This afternoon, I’m picking up my friend who I didn’t know if I was going to date to take her to my friend’s house for a little snack before we go to a drumming circle and band for an alternative 4th of July activity. My friend is just three-months younger than my friend that I just met for Happy Hour last month. This particular friend is married to a woman who is ten-years-older than her. So, I’ll be a junior for once. Last night, although LA is a year and some change older than me, I seemed like the eldest. And I was for the most part, because members of my kickball team who were at karaoke on time are 14 to 26-years younger than me! I’m grateful to have all of these plans with friends over this holiday weekend and think it’s interesting that I have friends of all different ages.

What are the ages of your closest friends? Do you have friends who span different age ranges? What did you do that was special for this holiday weekend with friends or family?

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Elders

The first time that I went to the women’s discussion group, I met my friend’s husband’s Mom. She attended it and when I found out who she was the next time that I attended group, I thought, “I can’t believe how supportive she is of her son and the life of him and his family members.” It’s one thing to support orientation and it’s quite another to sit in a group as an ally. She is very cool and she likes my salads, so she’s getting that on the 18th for group! She’ll be in town in a couple of weeks.

I was grateful that when my Dad died and my Mom wanted to get home, but was probably never going to get there, that her youngest sister stayed in their house. She visited my Mom every week too when my Mom was still in assisted living and was declining. I talked a lot with my aunt then. We used to go swimming together at my wife’s condo as a family and had her over for dinner several times too. My Mom’s last outing was at my house for Thanksgiving with my Aunt and my family. My wife had just gotten out of a short psychiatric placement the night before. I wouldn’t want to relive very many moments from 2014 forward.

I liked that my Aunt supported. I appreciated all that she did for my mother after my Dad died and always thanked her. She moved out of state at the end of 2021, and has visited a handful of times in 2022 and 2023. I don’t want her to visit me again.

Image by PublicDomainPictures from Pixabay

She asked how my son is and I was honest. He’s not working. He failed a class. He took a leave of absence from school and is restarting the program midway through next month. He can’t give me a straight answer with regards to how many clinical rotations he needs. He’s morbidly obese. His current gf is controlling and hasn’t been a good influence on him. I don’t see evidence of him trying to address his mental health.

I talk to my aunt once monthly on the phone. She is a link to my Mom. On Thursday, we spoke.

I told her that his father’s lease is up on Halloween and I don’t know if our son will have a driver’s license then and don’t think that he’ll be done with school. I told her that he can live with me in November and December and then has to move on.

She unloaded on me. She said that my ex-husband and I are enablers. She said that we are like her daughter’s friend’s parent’s who have 40-year-olds living at home.

With all due respect, I didn’t ask for advice.

You also sound really misinformed when you compare the brain of an 18-year-old to that of a 40-year-old.

My Aunt believes that because my son wasn’t out on his own when he was 17 and graduated that he won’t be different at 25.

I know that my aunt is 20-years older than me. However, she’s super critical and very religious and says things about people all the time. I know enough to realize that if people talk about others in a judgmental way that they’re also following suit with you.

My son will turn 19 at the end of January, and because he doesn’t have much motivation, he’ll have to learn lots of things through error because he can’t live with either one of us after December 31st. I don’t want him here because he doesn’t help, is always on his phone, and hasn’t learned how to contribute yet. He also has a tendency to yell or say demeaning things when he’s asked to help with something, or has to complete something that he didn’t want to do. His Dad is moving in with a gf which is very good because he hasn’t lived with me in almost 17-years. I don’t want to live with anyone. I also don’t want to engage with my aunt anymore. I’ll call her once in July.

I will have to see her face to face sometime soon. My Uncle, who is my Mom’s only brother, is losing his wife to cancer. She’s a non-biological aunt. She has a goal to die in August. I think that she has really rough days. I know that my Aunt helps them out a ton. She operates in a binary and has a dichotomy of saying “God’s plan,” all the time and then losing it other times. She has a tendency to bury strong emotion so it makes her critical, and frankly, explosive, at other times. I’ll have to see her at the funeral, and I’ll also have to find another house and pet sitter at that point too because my son will be with me.

How do you interact with elders in your family?

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Weekender

Friday: I met with my friend on Friday at a new brewery to us wherein we had chips, queso, wings and carrots, and then our own individual entrees. She has only a private practice and has built it so as to only work Tuesday through Thursday. You can read about her here. We had fun, good fare, and I’ll see her again with my friend for the 4th of July.

I talked to my ex on the phone on Friday night. You can read about her here. She is super smart, works in higher ed too, and is generally fun to talk to. She now says that she’s going to live to be 85. When she had first had treatment, she said that she had ten-years. We had a nice conversation and the only things that she did which were passive aggressive is say, “You were here and you didn’t see me?” and “Well, we all know that you’ll never leave [my home state].” First off, I do solo vacations in June. Me. That’s it. And, secondly, why would I have moved my kid, go back to court, and leave my house and jobs. And, why do you care, because you’re happily married! Regardless, we had a lovely conversation and I’m glad that she is in good health and no longer drinking.

Saturday: Today is beautiful here. It’s in the 70s and I’ve already done some yard work and worked on our book.

Sunday Plans: Tomorrow, the author and I will hike 4-7 miles. I have to give her broken table top and a tile that her metamour gifted me. He had completed a commission of my cat, and said that a tile of a butterfly and wildflowers fell from his wall and wanted to be with me. Now, I want it in the broken table top that he’s redesigning. When I staged the house last August, I bought a few things at the thrift store. One piece was a wrought iron side table with a tile top. LA broke it moving it in her car. I’d like the gifted tile in it along with other tiles in a design. The author’s metamour is a very good artist and is excited for this next project.

I am getting my house completely fixed up. Next month, there will be only two accent walls, white cabinets, fixed walls (You can reason the for drywall being weird in the insulation section here.), and my whole house with the exception of my doors will be painted. I’m replacing doorknobs and then will probably paint all my doors by myself. First, I don’t want these gross 80s gold doorknobs before painting happens! I’m getting a custom shed built by the carpenter and am buying and having built a catio. My backyard will be an oasis after I have skylights and new lighting in my patio. I have to get a new hot water heater and that should have a floor drain next to it, so that will be noisy work, but will make things safe here after I’ve updated all my electric. The last thing is faux hardwoods in the basement which are marine grade. I need to get rid of the carpet down there. Then, I’m set.

Weekends are so good and they’re even better when I have so few responsibilities and am mostly on vacation. Here’s to teaching one class! I’m having a good weekend. I have been with friends and am making my space homey. What are you doing this summer to fuel yourself?

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Stories

The climber spent a couple of hours with me yesterday and we added a final scene with a crone type of character who had appeared in the book at a turning point in our story. She sketched five different scenes and I started numbering the existing storyboards. She’s going to show me more work on the 31st of July. She’s out of town climbing in Canada for a couple of weeks.

We had twenty existing pages, and I think that we’re up to 26 now. So, I’ll need to write out full narratives rather what is in the storyboards that simply illustrates plot advancements in a comic book style. It also includes my poor drawings. I should’ve taken a picture of her drawings for our book in her sketchbook. I’ll write over the next few days, which will be easy now because she called working together “inspiring,” and I reflected later and would term it “energizing” for me personally.

She looked beautiful. She had on a close fitting one piece sleeveless jumper with a plunging neckline. I had never seen her in anything low cut before or anything nearly as feminine. It was a little distracting to watch her draw at my dining area table especially when she was leaned against it.

We had an intimate dynamic yesterday. Just greeting and exiting long hugs; however, we talked about personal things when we made conversation.

I learned that she and her ex-husband were together for 16-years in total and that they read to each other every night.

I read an entry from my blog to her. I chose this one: https://balance17.com/2024/03/29/mom/

The climber paged through her book and showed me some beautiful things that she had drawn. She is such a good artist. Although she had outlined sketches yesterday, I’m excited to see full pages when we meet yet as I had a point of comparison now seeing her work in the small sketchbook. I asked her if she’s always drawn. She has. I have always written.

There hasn’t been a day in 16-years that I’ve not written something. I certainly have not blogged everyday, but I have written notes, letters, emails, journal entries and the like. It’s interesting now for me to have a full story to tell and complete. I have a muse-filled momentum right now.

Image by Kankanravee Kanyawath from Pixabay

I was thinking this morning when I got up to tend to the pets that we all tell ourselves stories. Stories about why our lives are going the way that they are, and stories about other people. I think that feedback about those stories that are internal is important. The feedback helps us evolve.

For our book, it’s different. I need to have it in full draft form and read it to some kids before I take the next step for publication. I’m glad that we she and I have a commitment to monthly work on it too, because it keeps a timeline. For me, it was the conversation about the plot of the book that was most important when working with her yesterday. Although writing is a solo task, I think that I write better when I have some collaboration and joint work. Also, being around her is always something that impacts me intellectually and in my body.

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Weeds

Last summer it rained throughout May and most of June. We had 5.86 inches of rain in June. This place usually gets 15 inches of precipitation in a year! It was really hard to do any yard work because it was raining and often very hard. Then the weather shifted and it just got beastly hot. I’m paying for that pattern next year. We have city composting, and on Saturday and Sunday I filled up my city bin with cheat grass, some long bindweed and Mullen. One of the latter had blown in the yard in 2020 or 2021 and now the seeds propagate everywhere from wind, birds and such.

I think it will take me forever to get these weeds under control. I gave my Roundup to my neighbor because it disturbs me to kill all the moths, butterflies and lady bugs. The bindweed is hideous. I’m unsure if you can ever truly get rid of it anyway.

I didn’t make a dent in the weeds.

Family Connections: I spent the majority of the weekend with my family because my cousin got married. She is my first cousin’s daughter. The former and I are very close. It was so great to be with her and her kids. Those interactions didn’t feel weedy with the exception of my son hitting a wall, getting overwhelmed, having a bizarre conversation on the phone with his girlfriend in the car after we had to leave the wedding, and then going home with me to talk.

Saturday night he told me that he wants to break up with her and doesn’t know how. Yesterday when we worked out he said that they were taking a break and then going to couple’s therapy after the break. I told him that an 18-year-old has to go to couple’s therapy is sad and strange. It’s no secret that I don’t approve in the slightest of their relationship. I’m not going to comment ever again about it. That situation is entangled too.

A few sunflowers in the bindweed

Children’s Book: It’s May. I told the Climber that I’d ask her again about illustrating our book and that story has a few turns too.

I had a good day at my other site. My last day there is May 31st! I got a really good job next year for that part of my assignment.

After seeing clients who are done, and terminating with three clients, I did documentation and wrote a report for my other site. I decided to go home an hour early and use sick leave.

We have instant messaging at work that it’s a little bit like Slack, and I chatted to the Climber, “Do you have a second today to answer a personal question?”

I didn’t hear back and left around 3. I was driving home and in a mass of traffic and got a text from her. She never texts. It said, “Came to look for you in your office!” I texted her a picture of my dashboard and the street. I got home and she texted again. It said, “Mega hailstorm here and I hope that you’re driving safe.” I sent her a picture of my dog and my son’s cat on the rug with a text caption, “I’m home safely. I hope that your drive is safe given the weather.” Then she called me 10-minutes later!

We had a quick conversation and she asked what I wanted to ask her. I said, “Well, it’s May, and I told you that I wouldn’t bug you about our book, but I’d ask again in May. Can you illustrate for us?” She apologized for not working on it and said, “Yes.” It was definitive. I told her that with the Boss laying into her, her not knowing if she’d still work there in the fall and spring, and all the stuff going on, I understood and that was great news. So, if she’s at work on the 31st, I’ll have to ask her about timelines.

Lots of weeds. Lots of connections. Some sunflowers.

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Spring Activities Recap: Running, Kickball, Bowling, Discussions with New Friends and More | Balancing Life Blog

We’ve had a few warm days. The new trees have leaf buds on them and most of the trees in the neighborhood are now fully leafed out. This year, I’ll get nearly as many irises as I did last year. One did snap in the high winds, but is still tilted on the plant. Last year it rained all May and June and we’ve had little moisture this year. I had tons of irises last year and didn’t see them until they were spent. I was a mess last spring given trying to get the house on the market.

We had these bulbs for 8-years, but they didn’t bloom until after our divorce. They were given to my ex-wife by a friend that she ended her friendship with because of the friend not prioritizing her.

We won both games of kickball last night. I got on base four times and scored runs twice. I popped the ball up during our last game because the sun was setting in my eyes. I tagged a runner out before he could score or get back to third.

I’ve started running again and will do mostly interval runs. I had forgotten how hungry running makes me, but I’ll do it because my son is going to the gym with me twice a week with a goal of three times. I had already been doing the elliptical every Monday, and don’t want to get bored. I also believe in cross training, so running again every week will be good.

I have to walk my dogs and then go to one of our largest parks in the city for the spring clean up. I love volunteering and will do more of it now that I only have one class to teach in the summer term.

Did you know that you have a knock sensor in your engine? Mine was failing. The check engine light is no longer intermittently coming on, but it was $648.

I have to go to Ann Taylor for slacks and a new shirt. I don’t have any slacks that fit me very well. I don’t want to be in a dress at my dinner tonight because my legs are sooooo white. I bruise really easily too so I need a tan to wear shorts, or bare leg skirts and dresses.

The event is a dinner. I was invited by the author. She is becoming a mentor to me. I get to go to our group on the 20th as well. I’ll be done with bowling league this Monday.

I’m that combination of nervous-excited. Uncomfortable emotions for sure, but I’m pushing through them.

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Fix

Parenting Update: My son came over for dinner last night and we talked. He is now obese and it’s so sad. I don’t want to fix him, but I want to support his health. He’s agreed to work out with me on Tuesdays and Thursdays. He can only do every other Tuesday, because he goes to his girlfriend’s parents’ house on Tuesday nights. I guess that is fine because I teach on Tuesday and then start teaching again on August 20th. I want him to increase his own positive self-talk too.

Spring Weather I walked the dogs this morning before my first evaluation meeting on Zoom and connected with a neighbor. The ducks were landing in the creek and the air was cold and humid. It was so nice. I see this neighbor most afternoons, and I was walking early this morning as I’m working from home, so I saw him. My older dog played with his adopted pit bull on their leashes. I also had a good talk with my next door neighbor about work in both of our houses and my spring solo vacation. It was so nice to be outside connecting.

Home I’m in a great space. I love having the fence fixed and will have everything paid off on Tuesday. I had already paid for all of the electrical work.

A company put in insultation in several walls and above my cabinets. Sadly, I can be so distrusting, so I’m going to check the attic before I write my review too. I know the old insultation was removed, and I hope that I have a ton up there alongside a barrier when I check it.

I didn’t accrue any interest on these things and am so glad for that. I feel lucky that I make enough money to do work in my house.

My Work I’ve been fixing myself too. I am working on kindness to all and neutrality in some instances. I feel physically fit and solid.

Lately, I’ve had new readers to my blog. I also have folks that have stopped by here for 12-years. I think that the advice that I could impart to readers is to take a spring assessment of what you’re doing and if those actions are creating what you want.

What are you working on this spring? Do you have anything that you know requires fortification? Is there a character trait which you’re addressing?

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Guidance

My Aunt turns 70 today. I was supposed to be there, but I had an oppressive headache and then a sore throat on Thursday so after I completed an annual weird requirement that I have daily for about 9-days a year at work, I just went home. I have hundreds of hours of sick leave, so taking five of them didn’t matter much. I slept. I knew then that I wouldn’t have the bandwidth for 10-hours in the car over the course of about 26-hours total on Saturday and Sunday. My Aunt is super religious, so she thinks that my not being there is all part of the grand plan.

There are things that we can’t control. We can run the risk of doing very little and being given to inertia because of our own inaction. Like my tattoo, like everything, it’s all a balance.

I took the climber to work last Monday and I asked her if she could still illustrate for me. Mostly, I got a non-answer. It was “I love the story. Originally, I said that I didn’t know that I was the best person for the job. Then things have gotten so complicated at work, so I haven’t sketched much.”

I told her that I would ask her again in May.

I’m not sure that I’ll see her much after the end of May either and that does make me really sad.

I’m not worried about another illustrator. With her being non-binary she is the best person for the job because of my content; however, she’s historically really difficult to pin down anyway. That sounds kinky, and I don’t mean it that way, but she always has good intentions and little follow through. The drawing for the book is like other things that have never happened, and that is not about me, but is about her.

There are a whole bunch of things that I’ve said to clients frequently and one of them is, “You can control yourself.” I’ve done a really good job with her in terms of having no expectations or demands. I can control that.

I also am proud that I told her on the way home last Monday that I’m being as kind as I can with everyone who I date going forward; although, I’ve yet to have a third date with anyone. I have been told that because I won’t remarry or cohabit that I’m just getting over being divorced.

The thing is that I can control my actions with women. I can be open and honest. I seek magic moments and that’s it. If they happen frequently, that’s great. I’m open to magic moments with women who I see weekly, monthly, annually or whenever. I’m done being conventional and following the status quo.

I also told her on Monday that I don’t want a breakup again. I told her that things that were part of a relationship can be taken out of the relationship completely based on communication. I said that I don’t want what I have with one of my exes and that is the feeling that I must run away if I ever see her.

I’m not seeking anything with any woman in particular. I’m open getting to know a woman and talking about what make sense for us. What makes sense can change and needs negotiation and solid communication.

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Dynamics

Last weekend, my head hurt so badly that I couldn’t even box. I had to leave 15-minutes into class. I went to guitar and couldn’t figure out the down tuning so I just practiced chord changes and didn’t strum. I had a low day emotionally and was pretty well exhausted. I did clean my whole upstairs and answered an email from the accountant re: how HSA works in my new pay structure and how 529c contributions work in my son’s ESA.

Prior to leaving the house for boxing and guitar, I met with the carpenter in the cold dreary weather. I had thought that if I had two posts installed into concrete, I could get my garden fence fixed. I was correct, but on the gate side it needs two more posts and bracing with 2x4s behind the fence line.

He’s wonderful. He is professional and smart. Although, he’s an elite athlete, he is humble and gentle. He reached down to pet my ancient dog and agreed that she is a good girl. I’ll be really glad to have my fence fixed, and am grateful that he is doing the work and will get the money for it.

On Saturday night Rower called me. (AI keeps telling me that I need more context, so I’ll mention that all people in my blogs are listed in the “Characters” button that should be accessible from the front page.) I couldn’t believe that she called! We’re both Gen Exers–I think that she’ll be 52 next month–but I don’t hear from her when she has New Relationship Energy (NRE) until conflicts between her and her significant begin. Not now, and I thanked her for that. We had a great conversation and her gf sounds perfect for her and actually treats her well and nurtures her. She said that it sometimes runs the risk of mothering, which is so gross, but that she’s a good communicator and they’re dialing that in together.

I talked through my tooth with her. It helped and now I’m researching it to reproduce here in my blog. Much of the research in adults related to infection post root canal. Oddly, I’m glad that I didn’t have to have one of those and had an extraction instead. However, because I had an infection which was somewhat pervasive: through my tooth, in my sinuses and through the roof of my mouth, it’s problematic to implant the screw. That is why the surgeon was glad that I had a wide enough sinus cavity. I’m not glad that for that right now. I still have little residual sinus stuff. Rower, who’s a Nurse, told me that the rinse that was prescribed is what medical professionals use to scrub in for surgeries! GROSS.

I went to a couple of Meet Ups yesterday and they were underattended. I had some fun though. I met a new group leader and we bowled–it was just he and I. My other one was my book club and we had no leader. I was glad that it was simply a social meet up rather than a book discussion, but it was still very weird that it was two newer members and me who showed. No host. 5 vacant RSVPs.

The carpenter is the climber’s primary and nesting partner. I had a good first impression of him when I met him last weekend and now I love him. He’s simply phenomenal. He’s probably in his 20s, and could therefore be my son, but he’s quite poised and cool–easy to talk and relate to. We drove to the lumber yard late at night and he checked his phone for the materials list that he’d made. We loaded concrete bags together onto the flat cart–and eventually into my car, and then stacked them in my garage–and talked so easily. He is down-to-earth and open in a way that I’m not used to with cismen. If I commute with the climber tomorrow it will be difficult for me to not just talk about how wonderful he is! It’s pretty funny that he currently has keys to my house.

I have a community walk this morning. I don’t think that I’ll bring my dogs to it. They’re getting so elderly, and tend to just sniff. I’m going to family karaoke tonight and don’t know if I’ll see the woman who has 6 kids and is bi and in a closed marriage. Wow! What a sentence. I’m really glad that my life is uncomplicated!

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Mom

I’ve been thinking about Mom and dreaming about her a lot lately. I’m reasonably sure that I know why.

I feel like that I’m having time to be and breathe. I’m sure, too, that given that it’s Easter this weekend, I am thinking about holidays without family.

Sunday, I have an invitation to friends, and I know that I’ve written here that I don’t say no to those, but I have been eating yogurt, eggs and canned soup and don’t want to be around yummy food and alcohol. I also don’t want to talk about the hole in my mouth with people whom I don’t really know. I’ve known this colleague for 24-years this fall, but she’s an extrovert’s extrovert, so loves to entertain and make small talk. LA always invites me to these things–she’s really close with this colleague–and I did go to the Blues BBQ (live band) and also Christmas Eve. I am not going to Easter. In fact, I’ll do yard work which is a lot like my Dad!

My Dad worked for the City and County. He’d dropped out of a Civil Engineering Program because my Mom had me and they had very little money and mice in the housing provided near campus via the GI bill. That was a contention. As was my ever being born. I had colic and my father always said that he was going to leave me screaming in the snow. Mom said that once I could imitate opera voices on the radio at about 4-months of age, I stopped screaming.

(I have said to my son ad nauseum, “You didn’t ask to be born. I will make sure that you have medical and dental care until you’re 26. I will also write a check for any tuition bill that you produce for me.” He has about 7k left in his ESA, so I’m going to set up a trust for 150k that I manage until he’s 30. I’m doing that in June. Trust me, this digression is topical.)

My Mom wanted kids. She said that my brother and I were the best things in her life.

She was sarcastic, a little mean, definitely depressed, and not quick with hugs or kisses, but always said, “I love you.” And she did love us.

We had no money. I really mean that too. My parents, both Boomers, were the last of the people who can buy a house on one salary. My Mom contributed off and on to living expenses, but never had a full-time teaching job likely because of her physical disability. She subbed for 4-5 years and would often come home with a migraine.

Today, I’m thinking about my Mom, the status of her teeth, her heavy smoking until she was in her 60s, and how much healthier and luckier than I am when compared to my Mom.

I was out in the backyard this morning giving my neighbor’s dogs and mine pieces of elk jerky, and my neighbor came out and asked about the hole. So, I have this screw and hole in my mouth right now. My neighbor will get her hole and screw in two-weeks.

We’ve been trying to figure out how her process is so much longer than mine. Her tooth broke eight-months ago. We figured it out today.

My Mom made sure that we went to the dentist every 6-months. She made sure that the weird tooth that came in sideways was addressed with a retainer. I have great teeth. So, it was easy for the dentist to drill it, pack it, help me make an appointment with a talented specialist, and I will see him five-days before I get a tooth colored crown. My parents were poor for sure–lower middle class, I guess–but we got good dental care.

My Mom didn’t support me going to graduate school. My Mom was mostly horrified about what others thought of her having a lesbian daughter. My Mom’s ashes that I have left could ignite given that I don’t want one partner and would never live with anyone ever again. However, my Mom loved and took care of me.

Tell me about your Mom. I don’t know you, so don’t worry, I am not impersonating Freud. Freud is mostly only good for defense mechanisms.

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Swipe

Not that I do that to meet women, but I had a goal to write for a few days in a row and that was the topic that I came up with in the shower on a morning that I’m washing my hair. Podcasters that I’ve listened to have said that if you read a lot of dating ads folks talk about what you want rather than what you offer. I’ve written (here) what I’m seeking, so let’s see if I can write who I am, and what I offer in 300 characters. I’m going to give it a whirl.

I love being outside hiking, biking or walking. I am funny. I take making others laugh as a project. I’m a great cook who loves doing it for others. I am honest, straightforward and direct. I love to sing and want to get better on the guitar. I write everyday and am fascinated by a person’s story.

I have no intention of making a profile. I wanted to see what I could write in 300 characters as the essence of me. I may ask if I included my core at work today and perhaps a little bit next week. Swiping and the gambling approach to connection just isn’t me.

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Disasters

I had a couple of days at home, which was nice. I was able to clean up all the sheetrock dust and pieces of fiberglass that the company left after filling some walls. The problem isn’t remediated in the kitchen, so they’re coming back tomorrow afternoon to fill above the cabinets. I’m going to move the microwave, toaster oven and coffee pot and drape the fridge with some sheets. It makes a mess. It’s not quite a disaster, but is a nice introduction to this entry.

What do you think of snow? I really like it; although, I’m not a downhill skier. I like the way in which it freshens everything up in the desert. I took the dogs through it on Friday with drifts higher than 2-feet.

Two months ago I watched, “Society of the Snow,” and was intrigued. Vegan had texted me and asked what I was up to and I told her about the movie, with which she was unfamiliar. Then she said that she’d read the book. I ordered, “Miracle in the Andes,” and I spent Thursday and Friday finishing it. Like the film, it makes you cold and feel inspired with the athleticism and resolve.

I found out on Friday afternoon that Vegan had read and seen “Alive.” I said that we should trade as the epilogue in “Miracle in the Andes” talks about some of the unfair characterization of two of the young men as written in “Alive.” Vegan is going to borrow the book from me–she had donated her copy of “Alive.” I’d love to read some of “Miracle in the Andes” starting on page 185 and some others until about page 197 in the book to the climber.

I loved this film and book. Being the mountains always fuels me. I respect them and don’t underestimate them. I woke up today thinking about snow, the human spirit and nature.

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Breakups

Brooklyn made me risotto last night and we hung out for 3-hours and drank a bottle of wine. I brought a nice salad and she had out bread. I don’t eat bread often and ate all of it and used a lot of her butter 🙂 A boyfriend, who is also from NY, and still lives there, is no longer a part of her life due to a breakup. I said that we should go to open mic and I will play some minor chords while she reads his texts in beat cadence. A good idea that.

McGraw (2024) discusses in his book how breakups can generally be designed. I think that this concept is much more than something like a prenup, given not only that it was written by a lifelong bachelor; but if you decide how much you talk or not after you break up there is less emotional tumult. McGraw (2024) also discusses building and designing generally with relationship.

I am a relationship anarchist. I don’t want to follow the rules of eventual cohabiting and blending finances ever again. I’ve certainly given that the college try as I have mostly lived with other people. I think that when July hits, this period of my life will be the longest stretch of solo living

Let’s see:

  • I moved out when I was almost 19
  • I lived in an apartment off of campus my sophomore year of college and my gf started staying there nearly every night
  • I lived in married student housing in my first round of graduate school for 10-months and then got married
  • I lived with my first spouse for 9-10 years (We were married for nine.)
  • I lived with my son for 17-years
  • I lived with my second spouse for 8-9 years (We were married for eight.)

I think that negotiation and communication are essential when you start a new friendship or romantic relationship. Even the latter is up for debate really. Some people wouldn’t consider several kisses in a row to be romantic. That is the stuff that needs to be communicated. Contact does too in terms of how much communication one wants. Moreover, breakups can be as intentional as the startup and don’t have to be a crash.

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Dental Emergency / Going to an Indie Film

I have told myself that I won’t say no to anything social. It means that I’ll drag myself anywhere that I’ve been invited. I went to the movies with Vegan yesterday and the movie was, well, quite odd. I bought tickets for a 3:30 showing of the film and told Vegan that we’d meet there Friday. However, I hadn’t expected what happened with my health.

I have a good enough immune system that I don’t get sick enough to miss work. I have worked a few half days and taken off an hour twice, but that has been mostly due to my loathing being in my other building just meeting rather than conducting my work with clients. I had this persistent sinus infection for a long time which infiltrated the roof of my mouth and teeth. The swelling got so bad yesterday that I realized that I needed to see my dentist. The gums were sore to the touch and all of my teeth hurt.

The dental assistant was having a lot of trouble with the computer for my x-rays. I think it likely needed software updates. When she finally projected pictures you could see the swelling on the left side of my teeth and face. When the dentist came in she hit each of my back teeth with a little metal mallet. EXCURIATING on the tooth in question. “I have to open the tooth and drain the infection now. Then, I’m referring you to the endodontist.” Lovely. It’s being 49 and it’s time for a root canal.

She had to take intraoral pictures next. I was probably in three different chairs for 45-minutes. Finally, the dental assistant put the numbing agent in my mouth so that I could start drooling. That is always super fun. Probably another five-minutes elapsed and she gave me my shot. Then my dentist saw a crack. So, we got up to go back to the place where the interior camera was and she took one more shot, and that’s when she showed me a crack from one side to the other and the crossing of the root. 😦

The dentist filed my tooth down to practically nothing and put glue on it. I have to see a specific dental specialist the week of the 25th for an extraction. Apparently, he will put a screw in the place where tooth #14 was and then it will heal over until July 1st when my dentist will build an implant. Fun. 10-days of amoxicillin.

I paid my $72 co-pay and hightailed out of there. I got to the theater with three-minutes to spare and Vegan gave me a side hug and joked about my tooth. All should have been well, but one of the characters gets his teeth knocked out–violently. I didn’t have any experience with the actress in the lead until the movie, and I generally liked the strange film. It evoked Tarantino and the video “Human Behaviour” by Bjork for me. Vegan was horrified. I didn’t know that she couldn’t tolerate any violence and is not a fan of dark humor. Can someone let me know what they think of “Love Lies Bleeding?” Did anyone see it after going to the dentist? Hehe.

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Women

Introduction

When I was a kid, I didn’t really have female friends. Right now, I don’t have very many male friends except at work. I spent all day Sunday with different women, one of whom, I have just met and want to develop a closer friendship.

Sunday Morning

I took a super long walk with one of my son’s ex’s Moms yesterday. We actually wound up walking nearly 7-miles. In terms of weights, I think that I did four machines instead of my typical amount afterward because I was really sore from boxing the day before. (I can hit two of the machines missed tonight after my normal Monday cardio.) When I got home, I should’ve cooked and cleaned, but it was so warm that I wanted to prowl around a little.

Afternoon

There is a new gay bar close to our capitol, so I parked a bit away from it and walked there to get even more sunshine. I was probably there 2-minutes. The lesbian scene here is pretty limited really. The gay man scene is not. That bar was packed, but there wasn’t a single woman in it so I felt completely out of place. I walked to the bar where we used to have flip cup. Savoring those brussels sprouts–even if they’re a third of the size that they were in the fall–was worth it. I drank a Lone Star and sent the picture to my BFF in San Antonio.

Family Karaoke on Second Sundays

I thought that the bar had a show. That is how good the woman was who was singing. I talked with the bartender for a couple of minutes who told me that Second Sundays are now karaoke. The KJ came over to me, hugged me, and said, “Are you going to sing tonight?” I said that I probably would. There was a couple–I thought–at the table in front of me. I felt awkward at a high top behind them in the otherwise nearly empty bar so I thought, “What the hell?” Laughing internally when I found out that she has the same name as the Realtor, she let me sit down. She and her family had great voices.

Hanging out with a Mom

I don’t meet any women who let their hair grey, but hers is probably more grey than mine, and she highlights it differently. She is the climber’s age, has six kids–four of whom were there–and was friendly. Nice blue eyes and fun to talk to, so I was glad that I asked if it was ok that I joined their table. She then told me her coming out story. I was very interested in it. The thing is that her marriage is closed. However, when I thanked her for telling me it, she grabbed my hand. Given the green light, I hugged her before I left and gave her a card. In 2008, I had cards made with my first name, cell and email. They simply say, “Email, call or text.” She gave me a business card. I told her that if she’d like to do a happy hour some time I am game. I explained that I’m good with boundaries and don’t want her husband to murder me, so I wouldn’t touch her. She laughed and said, “Yes, good call.” It’s so crazy how realizing how good it feels to connect gives you a boost. My mood was great yesterday. I’ll email her at the beginning of next month to hang out and keep good boundaries. I put ethics above everything with the way in which I conduct myself.

Monday Morning

Today I have to run a safety protocol meeting at my other site. That means that I get out of the hideous and worthless afternoon meeting. Bonus! I texted the nice guy and climber that I’d have to drive in solo because I’m leaving three-hours early. I texted the climber that I love her company and she could feel free to ride in with me in the morning and then hop in with the nice guy in the afternoon. She has just texted back, and I’m excited to ride in with her. I am going to feed the pets (in the dark) and then shower and walk my dogs. I hate this time of year with daylight savings time and waking up when it’s pitch black. It’s so stupid to not have left the time change in April, but I guess that people have to stay out buying things that they don’t need. I guess that I, myself, went out from 4-7 last night, but I had a ton of fun and it was nice to socialize.

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Grow

I’ve known the climber for nearly 6 years. Our relationship started to change significantly in the fall of 2022 when she took me climbing. I think that it’s growing and I know my attachment to her is too. Seasonal change is upon us, and I know that I’m reflecting on her and whatever “us” is.

It’s getting on toward spring now and I’m so happy about it. I hope that we have a spring and it doesn’t just start getting beastly hot. I used to train practitioners in suicide protocols. Did you know that spring is the time that people die by suicide most frequently? I’m happiest in spring, so maybe that means that I always have something to look forward to annually. I don’t know.

Commute

End of a friendship: The nice guy gives excuses instead of commuting with me. One time he confirmed and when I got in my car to go to his house he called and said that he needed to go to the dispensary after work. Yesterday, it was that he needed to go to work early to set up. It’s ok. I think he’ll just fade out of my life after spring. I won’t see him unless he’s walking his dogs and I’m biking.

The climber (Batman) wanted to leave early and ride with me. However, my dogs take forever to walk now so when I got her text, it was late, and I texted that I’d try to get there at 7:20 and she said that she’d just come to me.

She had completed a super long inventory for one of our clients for me so I made her a toasted bagel sandwich (egg, cheddar, spinach) and washed some blueberries for her. She said that I didn’t have to do that because it was her job. I also had a cup of coffee for her too, and this time had vanilla protein milk which is a good substitute for creamer, I think.

We planned the end of our book on our drive to our building. She had a great idea regarding changing the art with the turning point of the protagonist. The main character is like me as a child and now I think that she’s adding elements of her to the character. It’s beautiful actually. I’m excited. We talked about our parents a little bit and she wasn’t tired and we were able to chat the entire time. The commute is pretty mundane after we get out of our neighborhood–it’s complete with a long stretch of city traffic and then two awful highways complete with poor rush hour drivers. Conversation between she and I certainly breaks up the monotony.

Riding Home

She talked a lot about work. She said because it was the last leg before summer term–a term that neither she or I work–it was a good use of time. I said, “I had you all to myself in the car and we mostly talked about work!” She laughed. She planned the final page of our book and said she’d sketch before she did her ice climb workout that she does every Monday.

When we got to my driveway she said, “Thank you for driving. I love your company. I’m so excited to sketch,” and she was lingering by her door. I put my lunchbox, backpack and jacket down. She walked around the front of my car and embraced me tight. We both took deep breaths. I kissed her cheek.

I said that I would be starting breath work, which is concentrating deeply on your breath and moving it in a guided fashion through your body with a guide. I had mentioned previously that all the talk therapy that I’ve done has run its course. I said that when she gave me feedback about not breathing, I knew that was some work that I should do. She said, “You weren’t breathing at all!” I said, “You make my heart race!” She said, “You really like to make me blush!” I said, “While that’s true, right now, I’m just being honest.”

I like this slow and somewhat deliberate expansion between Batman and I ❤ She is part of what I’m thinking about and hopeful for this spring.

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48 Hours

I used to watch those when I’d get back to my room when I was on a solo vacation. Detectives had to make quick investigative moves within the initial exploration of a crime and there would be a countdown timer running to break up scenes and visually illustrate how cold a trail can go if you don’t have major lead for crime within two days. The climber gives me feedback, has dinner with me, we look at two published books which fit best the genre that we’re writing in, she talks about being excited to sketch, we cuddle on the couch and talk for probably nearly two hours, later we kiss awhile too in the bedroom, she goes home to her partner, I work all day the next day and learn about affirming transgender youth, have fraud on my debit card, go to dinner with Aquarius and Ballet Dancer, get up today, am going to box, do a bit of the guitar class and go to our old haunt for bowling. Whew.

Love Life Progression

She had something really intense happen in her household. She had to support, drive around, and then did make it over. Initially she said that she didn’t really want to talk about it, and then she told me details. I held her incredibly tight. When I said, “I’m shocked that you’re here,” she said, “You of all people are someone who understands these things.” She said that she needed distraction, so I opened good tequila, and we had that and the taco soup that I made. I cleared the dishes and we looked at the pages. She gave me some feedback and I took notes. Then I said that we should sit down. I got her a blanket and we were talking. My terrier was in between us and I said that she was a cuddle buzzkill because I am mostly legs and she’s really muscular so our torsos aren’t a perfect fit sideways on a love seat. She moved my dog, pivoted sideways and I slid behind her. We talked like that for probably close to two-hours.

There is a huge shift since the end of January wherein I told her that I don’t know her well. She offers a lot to me. She also converses with me back and forth when I ask questions. It feels so much different than it ever has. She told me that she watches my hands on the steering wheel and I told her that her ears are the cutest ones that I have ever seen and I look at them when her hair is up. We both said that we could probably comment on hands and ears because the nice guy would be asleep in the back of the car anyway. She can do this thing where if she has contact with your upper body that she can match the pace of your breathing. Later I laid on her chest and she said, “What are you doing?” I said, “Sorry, laying on you like this makes my heart race!” She said, “You’re barely breathing.” Later she asked if she could kiss me and I said, “Of course.” I hope that helped my breathing!

No more talk therapy for me personally

The Rower has a crush on a woman who does an alternate trauma treatment. It’s called breath work. She cried for two hours once in a session. I think that I’ll do some. I also want to start supervised psychedelic treatment. I’m so sick of anxiety and disrupted sleep. I would like to work on the way that I breathe and carry myself.

My son wants to move back home. I really don’t want him here. I’ve had almost 7-months of empty nesting and am perfectly fine seeing him once a week. He also has this prince thing wherein he has expectations of meals and such all the time. I find that I can’t be around someone who cannot follow a schedule. How can watching some gamer that you don’t know beat a video game on YouTube for hours on end be fulfilling? He also has stopped moving and says that he is reluctant to have his fellow students work on him because of the state of his body. Why do you only eat food out of boxes and bags then? I’m writing this stuff, but will be diplomatic on Monday night about it. He just can’t simply move back home because now that he’s in school, and it’s hard to do school and live with his Dad. I’m very sorry that his father is an alcoholic and binge drinker. That does suck. I also am not a servant who you get to say “F-U” to constantly.

In terms of the theme of this entry, I think that I’m making progress. Maybe this entry is more like 49-years? It’s taken me this long to get solid about what I truly want and where I’m going.

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Connections

I’ve been to the art museum and the ballet with my new friend now. A few times last night I caught myself looking at her body. It’s funny, because I don’t feel a pull to kiss her or embrace close. We have great conversations and enjoyed expensive dinner and the ballet. We’ll likely see each other again soon. I explained that I don’t want strict ruled based partnerships and she told me that likely it was related to having just gotten out of my marriage and I told her that it was related to my returning to my native state. I just feel more comfortable in the magic moments with women and then having my jobs, pets, cardio, weights, boxing, climbing and guitar lessons be my side of my life. I also have creative time scheduled now. I’m going to write a prologue and epilogue today for the book.

I’m finishing “Solo: Building your own Remarkable Life.” If you’ve never listened to the podcast, it’s all new information. I’m enjoying most the small snippets about the author’s life. I think that is a ciswoman thing. Like Carol Gilligan (1982) wrote women are relational. Anyway, he writes about sexual friendships. I wonder if that is the way that I lean. I don’t know really. I know that barring any horrid emergency, no one at all can live in my house and I don’t want to blend any finances.

I’ve been transferring money out of my son’s 529c for school. I started a spreadsheet to give to my accountant next spring. I’m so glad that he’s going to school. He plays video games, looks at his phone, and hangs out with his girlfriend. This round of school will serve as evidentiary support regarding to whether or not he can set and reach goals. I don’t know, but am hopeful.

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Gearing up

I’m going to work with the climber for a couple of hours the week after next on our book. I’m looking forward to her feedback and seeing her illustrations. I told her that I’m also amenable to story changes. I want to have a couple of pictures out too, because I’m a little married to the idea of a couple of scenes that are autobiographical, so I want to show her the context of them when I was growing up and a child. I’m interested in her childhood too. We should add some elements from hers.

She and I commuted without the guy from work on Monday. I was talking to her about my dog and then my Dad. I said, “It’s going to be much more difficult to lose my dog than it was my Dad. I think that you know that my Dad was abusive.” She was pretty quiet. I told her that I’d done 5-years of analysis and it fixed everything and I was able to show up for everything until he died of COVID. I didn’t really grieve him per se, and made peace with all the yelling, some limited hitting and aggression, and also intimidation. I did what was right. I didn’t give these specifics that I’m writing about here, but left it at “abusive” and making peace with my childhood. Finally, I said, “I don’t want you to feel like my therapist. I want to make sure that it’s ok that you know these things about me.” She said that I know her well too, and I said, “I don’t feel like I know you very well. I just want you to feel comfortable with me when I share.”

I took her home because she doesn’t have a car right now and sometimes borrows her partner’s car. We wished each other well and we have a time and day scheduled after work on the 15th for our book. I still get fluttery with her, but I don’t make any moves because I don’t know what is on or off the table with respect to her partner and don’t want to be disrespectful. I don’t know either if she has another partner currently. Regardless, she is smart and a brilliant artist and I’m so glad to get the book going!

I went to a book launch on Thursday and it was nice. I was incredibly tired though. I left right after it was over because I had already socialized with my friend (The author who I see when I go to the co-ed discussion group.) and met a new friend. The new friend lives near me, so when I go to this group again, I’ll text her to see if she’d like me to pick her up. I’m going to the Women’s Discussion group at the end of the month. My friend who leads it is out of town with her family currently, so I’m going to bring whey protein to drink because the other facilitator doesn’t do any food.

I have my car back. It looks like a cyclops. I have a man who restores headlights on luxury cars coming to my house today to work on the passenger headlight. I’ll have to move out all of my bikes. I’m bringing my Mountain Bike inside. It’s really rainy today. It feels like April. I’m so glad to be out of the monstrous rental car with front wheel drive. It was terrible and really noisy with actual bells and whistles. It barely fit in my garage!

I got the door of my hall closet repaired. I got the sheetrock in the entryway to my basement repaired too. Oddly, right before the potluck the mirror above my stairs fell. It didn’t break and was lodged onto the cat perch where they eat and drink. The paint behind it was bright white. Who paints a house and tapes over a mirror? So careless and lazy! The contractors textured the wall, painted primer over it, and hung the mirror with subtle metal clips. The next project is finding three nice door knobs, painting all the doors, and painting the stairwell where I had a new retractable gate installed. I’ll have the painter also paint behind the mirror in the same color and match the paint that is on most of the accent wall behind my hutch. I want to do projects in my house now that I am alone in it.

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Review / Renew

Goals from 372 days ago were:

  1. Calm and cool
  2. Spend less
  3. Do you
  4. Lift like a girl
  5. Healthy alcohol consumption
  6. Get big
  7. Love / Connect / Lead with Heart
  8. Sing
  9. Play guitar

With the exception of some massive bursts of anger, I did it all. I couldn’t do #1 while being jerked around by the contractors who were fixing the house to ready it for sale. However, that could’ve been worse. During New Year’s Eve conversation a woman who is new to told me that hers and her now ex-husband had 30k in hail damage to their house, so their proceeds are still not settled. I just have to pay capital gains taxes and close Probate and then I’ll set up an Estate for my son. Easy-peasy, but boy did I lose it off and on all summer!

I went to the woman’s house who typically leads our Discussion Group for a NYE party. This is the women’s Discussion Group. So fun. She did have the desire for me to start dating the writer, but I don’t want to. She’s fairly quiet, has very crooked teeth that are in need of cleaning, and I just want her to be in my friends circle. She’ll come to my potluck. I’m actually very attracted to the woman who leads our group. Her husband said that I should sleep with her and he should sleep with their dog. The latter was really scared about the NYE fireworks. I thought that it was a nice offer, but I had to get home to my dogs who had pooped in the house. 

I worked 4-days last week. I’m also finally laying out the children’s book that I’ve wanted to write for 5-6 years. I have another idea for another book too. You’re supposed to have an agent. I want the climber to illustrate it for us. I texted her about it today, and it would be great to have it completed in draft to hand to her on Monday. We commuted with the nice guy to work and one of her partners picked her up after work as he needed her to drive him to the airport. I’m so glad that she is partnered with an elite athlete. It’s nice to be with someone that you have ton in common with! She sent a group text to me and two colleagues for the New Year, and I didn’t get it for an hour-and-a-half because I was leaving the house party. I’m also leaving that assignment for my job starting in the fall. I don’t want to have any toxic bosses.

  1. Say “Yes” to social obligations
  2. Box more
  3. Climb more
  4. Practice guitar 5-minutes + per day
  5. Publish a children’s book
  6. Sing daily
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Angels

I was completing my second to last errand on the 23rd, and made a turn from a busy street onto a normally typical city trafficked street in a mostly commercial area of town. I was in the right lane and there was another car traveling in the same direction barely ahead of me in the left lane. Suddenly, there was a car heading across the lanes and I swerved, applied my brakes, but he still hit me. I pulled into the parking lot. He said, “Sorry, I didn’t think that I was ever going to make it across that street!” and then he went into a dispensary. I was disoriented and shaking. A woman in the large parking lot across the street started yelling at me. She and I tried to talk across four lanes of traffic and a turn lane as she was at the edge of the parking lot that the man had torn out of. Finally, I heard what she kept shouting, “He hit you!” It happened so fast and my vision of him was blocked until he was right there. There had been a car in the other lane traveling in the same direction that I was, so I couldn’t really process what had happened. I walked across the now busy street.

Her daughter had developmental disabilities. She was convinced that the driver was drunk. His face was really red when he was shouting at me. He was still in the dispensary. Because I couldn’t stop shaking, I called 911. She and I took pictures of each other’s licenses and she told me about the guy selling flowers. He was on the other corner of the parking lot with paint buckets of roses. He had been shouting too, and was upset by the guy hitting me as well as were this woman and her daughter. She kept telling me that she would be a witness and so would the man selling roses.

The guy did eventually come out of the dispensary and the woman with me started yelling across the lanes of traffic at him. He was laughing and smiling, and finally realized that there was a problem. He said, “I thought that I hit a curb!” It was the weirdest thing in the world. The police did respond. They eventually did allow me to go and gave me a business card with a case number on it and told me to give that to my insurance company and tell them that I was the no fault driver. He had expired license plates, and was in a fancy company luxury car that had other damage at the back and when the police asked him about that he said, “Oh, that’s been there. That’s another time.” He also produced a little folio with commercial car insurance. When I got home and could think about things logically I noticed the policy was for the years 2014-2015.

On Christmas Eve, I woke up at 4 and just got out of bed a bit before 5 when I realized that I wouldn’t be able to sleep. I called the number on his policy and 45-minutes later was able to make a claim. He must actually be insured. They took the claim. I’ll call them again on Tuesday. In fact, I’ll call them every day until January 2nd when I have to go back to one of my jobs.

The first angel was the woman. The second angel was her daughter. I think that folks who have intellectual disabilities are plugged into other planes and see things that others don’t. I think some of it is safety mechanisms and other aspects are related to other gifts. The next angel was LA. Last night, she took me to the Christmas Eve dinner party and took me home. It was way out of her way and too much extra driving. The next angel appears tonight and it’s the woman from my bowling team who is taking me to her friends’ house tonight. They’re a married couple from her soccer team, and I’ve already met one of the women when we went out one Saturday afternoon when an Irish pub was closing and it was their last weekend. I haven’t met her wife and will tonight.