Tag Archives: Solo Poly

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Boundaries

I used to say yes all the time when offered extra work. There isn’t any way that I’ll do that anymore. They’d like me to teach the crisis intervention class on the main campus of the university. I had asked weeks ago via email if I could get a hotel room three Saturdays and he just didn’t answer. I saw him yesterday in the lines for students getting ready to walk to the stage in their robes with their specialist hoods on, and he said, “Yeah, I don’t think that we’ll be able to do that.” No email. No response until I directly asked him yesterday at graduation. I said, “Well, I think that you’ll have to get someone else to teach it. It took me an hour and fifty-minutes to get up here.” I know it wouldn’t take me that long on a Saturday and Sunday, but why? A half tank of gas and my hips getting stiff three times for $2,600? No way.

I’ve known this Dean for 26-years. We were ships passing in the night until I took a class when I first entertained a doctorate in 2003. When I got my first graduate degree she was a professor there and left right before I started, but I knew her. Then she went to two different universities before directing the program that I just finished coordinating. Recently, she was promoted to Dean. Her successor isn’t half as professional as she is with respect to consistency in contact, answering emails, and being able to get ahold of readily. I’ll teach the internship class as long as they need me to because it’s a really low lift and I don’t have to go anywhere. I don’t mind Zooming because there isn’t any content to speak of; you answer questions and lead supervision. Videoconferencing for hours in a training or with lecture is terrible. The software wasn’t made for that!

I actually didn’t stay. It was cold and and windy and I didn’t want to be in the bleachers. I would have had to order months ago and really advocate for my doctoral robe and cords and stuff. I never did walk when I got my doctorate because my final defense was a week before the first day of fall in 2014 and by the time May of 2015 rolled around, I was already working in higher ed and doing my post-doc. Maybe someday I’ll participate as faculty in my robe for graduation. However, it was really nice to see all of them. Three weren’t there. I texted them and one said that she is buying me beers and we’re connecting about our field soon! They were a special cohort to coordinate. They had to learn intelligence and cognitive testing in fishbowl masked watching me test my neighbor’s kids. They practiced on each other or on friends to try to learn instruments. In the height of COVID parents didn’t let their students volunteer for anything. People were dying.

Mother’s Day is fucking me up this year. It didn’t last year, and it is this year. I miss my Mom and have been so teary all the time. I didn’t cry yesterday at graduation, and wouldn’t have had I stayed, but I am heavy and sad. I probably should talk to someone about it, but now I bowl on Wednesdays so I can’t go to group on the 17th. Actually, like many things, just writing about it is helping.

I dreamt on Wednesday night that the climber was laying on my back while I was facing away from her in a chair. She’d done that in March I think. I’m pretty sure it was before we kissed last–maybe it was February. However, in the dream we would up laying together and she was holding my hands which started to sweat and we were moving our hands together and she laid on my back. It wasn’t erotic, but definitely sexual and sensual. I like the way that she feels against me in life too. I texted her Thursday, “I dreamed about you last night.” I didn’t get a response, but I wanted to be vulnerable. Again, boundaries–I control me. I don’t know if we will wind up doing anything soon. She has said three times that we need to climb after work, and then she has missed at least two Mondays. In fact, she has missed a day or two of work for many months now. She misses a lot of work. I don’t. I think showing up no matter what and not taking mental health days is also a boundary for me.

My son has prom. I guess I’ll go to the bar tonight. I’ll only get to sing once because of the weird way that she does the rotation, but that is fine. I may stay awhile. We go to the good venue with my Boss, her sister and some of her sister’s friends on the 13th. There is no way that the owners will be at a basketball game on a Saturday! I’m excited for the 13th. My boss’ sister teaches classes in BDSM nationwide and internationally. That isn’t my thing, but she’s poly and has a huge scene. I’m looking for mentors. Three days after that on what would have been my Mom’s 74th birthday, I meet the group members–ones who are doing this event anyway–at another karaoke venue who are also poly. I’m not putting energy out to date, but want to be around other people who have lived in this world. I’ve had experiences with it, but not recent ones, and never was in a community.

Chop wood; carry water. It’s time to put on running pants, a sports bra, and a wicking shirt and walk my dogs! Happy Saturday.

Image by Andrew Martin from Pixabay
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It’s sprung

I was kinda leering around the door of the venue last night at 6 when these guys in jerseys said, “Are you trying to go to _______?” I said that I was and they said that they wouldn’t open tonight. I told them that was a pattern now for Mondays. They said that they were going to go to a basketball game instead tonight when they got tickets and that would be the last Monday that would happen. Here we are again! Only this time the nice guy from work had cancelled a few hours earlier, which made complete sense given that he was carjacked on Saturday, and the girls and I had to make a quick plan. We went back to the crappy karaoke venue and ate psuedo Irish food and then went to meat market karaoke. I was starving all day because of the hike and climbing on Sunday.

However, if you’re in a group of four you’re left alone and if you’re in a group of three you’re only slight accosted–we were able to get the guy to finally stop hugging me eventually and especially when my friend said, “Smile?!? Why would I have to smile?” He got kicked completely out anyway around 10. That was the only unwanted attention though, so it was good. I had decided to sing only things that I’d never sung before. I nailed “Umbrella.” “Don’t Stop Believing” was just ok, but one of my friends teaches music, is a musician, and is getting a specific Master’s in music right now; so she explained that it’s better in karaoke to do only vocal forward songs because guitar heavy songs have too many instrumental layers blended and it’s hard to find pitch in the medley. “When Doves Cry” was good too. I like not just singing Pat Benatar 🙂 We bullied the music teacher into singing “It’s all coming back to Me now.” She was amazing. My other friend did “Walking on Broken Glass” again and she always sings that song very well.

I’m getting really close with them both. I could have babysat the music teacher given our age difference, and I think that my other friend is around the climber’s age. I talked to them about polyamory and found out that the music teacher just wants to split bills with someone and likes the idea of polyamory. Neither one of them ever want kids. I can’t wait to start bowling with them next Wednesday! My straight friend in this little friend group obtained our 4th teammate for the league. She’s younger than the music teacher and in the middle of divorce because she feels so bi. I asked my friend why they didn’t just open their marriage and she said that she’s also no longer in love with her husband. Relationships are changing y’all. The music teacher told me that married people have the most STIs and it’s because of cheating. Why cheat? Figure your stuff out or get divorced. If you married mostly for financial reasons, ask your friends for loans for a short-time. Life is really short and it’s best to be honest.

Sooooo… Yesterday Vegan texted. I didn’t think that would happen again tbh. It was somewhat awkward at snowshoeing. She was talking with the two organizers about not getting comments on her jacket and I said, “Do you need someone to tell you that you’re cute, __ ______?” She blushed and one of the organizers explained about this amazing skier and his clothing brand and that they were both hoping that someone would know that her jacket was his and was retro. I like to tease and stuff, so I didn’t apologize. However, we’re going to climb on the outdoor sport wall next Thursday. Now, one of us just needs to improve and take some more safety stuff to learn to safely fix a top rope and then they’re at least two places that we can go outside. I don’t want to get a gym membership. They’re nearly $100 a month. We can climb. Plus, she walks faster than me–she’s two or so inches taller and in very good physical shape although she’s two-years-older–and we can do some summit hiking as well. I’m so excited. It’s as good as an aromantic man. I have no physical chemistry with her and she’s a good person. She’s super athletic too. I’m stronger and she is faster and more lithe. Good combination!

I think that I’ll proofread this entry, add a picture with a loose metaphor and walk my dogs. I have a Zoom for the work on the house at 9:15. Then because I climbed and didn’t lift on Sunday, I’ll go to the gym. I should bike there. Why use my car today?

Image by Luisella Planeta LOVE PEACE 💛💙 from Pixabay
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Unicorns

I had nightmares on Saturday night and last night, which often means that I have to look at my associations with objects in the dreams. As I started doing just that this morning I started thinking about a guy who’s aromantic and asexual for both a hiking and climbing partner. There was a really nice girl who was a former ballet dancer in our climbing group yesterday. She was probably between 22-24 and I thought that she would be such a good connection for my son. I think that means that she is Gen Z like my son, too. She said that she’d climb with me and brought that up, but I don’t want to chase that. She’s really good given both her age and now I just know that if you’re a dancer, you’re typically really adept at climbing.

Is it possible for me to meet a guy who is only interested in me as an outdoor companion? My best friend from middle school has tried to kiss me at least twice–once when I was 13 and once when I was 34–and it’s always alarming. With all the emphasis on how one identifies, I was thinking that a guy who’s asexual or aromantic would be ideal. It’s definitely a me problem and I could be accused of unicorn hunting, but yesterday I had so much fun climbing in that group that it made me long for when I was in my mid-thirties and had a climbing partner who was 7-9 years younger than me. His family was really religious though so when he got married we pretty much fell away. He has a couple of kids now too. Having some older lesbian hiking partner just looks weird in some circles.

I’m at a point where women my age have often become very overweight, or simply just do a single cardio activity once a week. They can’t really hike at elevation with me. Also, I don’t know any of my female friends whom have an appeal or draw to climbing. I feel as if I’m at an impasse with pools of possible outdoor companions. I really hope to connect with men soon and will put that out when I’m meeting new people. I want a guy who isn’t interested in me romantically at all to hike and climb with this spring and summer.

Image by Peter Hilmer from Pixabay

I know that this picture (above) is sandstone, but instead imagine granite. The stuff going up on the sides is not my bag. I struggle so much at present switching my feet and the exposure factors. It’s maddening when you’re moving your feet and running one of your hands along rock above you looking for your next area to put your hand as you step up. I’m reminded of Alex Honnold saying and writing “trust right foot.” I know that it will get better though. I’ve been on real rock three times only! Look at the left side with those chimneys. I love, love, love climbing in those and feel not a concern with heights when I’m surrounded in a chimney. I just go up quickly and keep stepping. I’m going to research chimney areas in the canyons around here! First off, I need to find my unicorn.

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New one: Fosse (2021)

I found something written recently today (4/23), so I’m reading it. (I finished the book in four days.) It’s by Fosse (2021) and I am now hooked. She is a psychologist and the book is “The Many Faces of Polyamory: Longing and Belonging in Concurrent Relationships.” Much of it is reflections on her practice with couples. Here is a quotation that I particularly liked in the introduction: “At the core, all relationships are about the same issue—a sense of connection and belonging, and hope for a lasting, secure attachment” (p. 2).

I think that the difference, for me anyway, between desire in monogamous and polyamorous relationships is being present and asking questions rather than making assumptions. I was able to take communication for granted when I would see my wife every week, but with a partner who is poly, you have to let go of filling in any details and ask instead gently-phrased questions. You also have to make your needs known directly.

For jealousy, the whole thing seems complex. There were three chapters dedicated to it in the book.

“In polyamory, jealousy is considered a complex phenomenon too, consisting of many underlying emotions and affective states, including sadness, anger, anxiety, insecurity, low self-esteem, possessiveness, territoriality, envy, and fear of abandonment” (p. 67). I felt envy that the climber already has a partner who lives on the West Coast and has been with him off and on for 5-6 years, but then quickly rationalized it. I’ve not even been divorced for a year yet, and wouldn’t have had the opportunity to have something that long because my last marriage wasn’t open. I told the nice guy from work that maybe I could have two Portland women: one from ME and one from WA. Hahahahaha. A good goal though. 🙂

I know that my first ex-mother-in-law always thought it was weird that I did lots of stuff with female friends. I just feel more emotionally close with women. I also know that my ex-wife resented and was jealous of many of my friends and colleagues. Envy makes the most sense to me for jealousy. It’s largely because I’m in transition though: my kid moves out next summer and I’m barely out of a monogamous marriage. These goals with 2-3 partners shall materialize.

Are there often poly structures in female friendships? I think that I get a lot of emotional needs met with my best friend and always have. I talk through pain with friends whom I’ve had for years. It’s not sexual though, but rather close, emotional intimacy. My ex-wife and I shared our past rather quickly and then she would reference my other girlfriends to ensure that I wasn’t as “weird” with them. I am weird. I have elaborate inside jokes that few can follow and like to laugh about really odd things. I wouldn’t necessarily need a partner to act weird with though, and can do odd stuff with family members and some of my friends. Right now I just want some sparks for romantic partners.

The CEO got jealous about all of my friends all of the time. It’s funny because it wasn’t romance, but I’ve had long-term close emotional connections with women. I still have those too. My son and I just had lunch with his godparents and their kids for her birthday (I bought for all six.) and we all had a good connection. She wants to hike a high peak with her husband this summer. I’m not interested any longer in re-summits though. There is no way he’s in shape enough to complete some of the longer ones that I’ve not completed yet. Anyway, I still feel emotionally close to her, but it’s not sexual chemistry. I feel that via good conversations that I’ve had with the climber or the ones during the initial part of the hike with the photographer.

I also read more in Fosse (2021) about how NRE can impact stability and feelings of ease in a long-term relationship with a partner. I can remember being excited to see my best friend and make dinner together for our kids years ago when I was single. I loved it too that I would get closer with colleagues at work, and we’d do stuff together. That always felt so fun to me. Like I wrote earlier, I remember some jealousy from my ex-wife too when I’d hang out with colleagues or my best friend. I think that pushed me in our last few years of marriage to do things solo: join a rope team, do some hikes with our dogs only, etc. Fosse (2021) writes about “companionship and security” which is present in marriages (p. 92). My ex-wife was a companion, but we never honestly had any security. Regardless of her narrative, she was always one foot out with me and sometimes it was literal wherein she lived elsewhere.

Knowing your identity seems to combat this dissention which can be found in another partner. I still think, too, that relinquishing any desire for control and remembering that you can only control what you do is important. I identify as completely solo poly, lesbian, and like the term “relationship anarchy.” I don’t want convention, and rather want to communicate individual needs with each woman. There will be no cohabitation, or mixing of finances. Trips and even dates will be paid for by the person who makes the date or will be decided on before we go out. I don’t want another triad or quad. I’m fine with lots of vees, and I don’t want to hear complaints about anyone from a woman about another partner. I’ve got experience in those things and don’t want repeat mistakes. I don’t want sex without love from me and love from her either. I want to kiss whoever I want and have sex rules with women with whom I’m in love and with whom I am physically and sexually intimate.

A majority of the last part of the book was about unpacking and working through jealousy. The vignettes that the author used were mostly about married couples who opened up their marriages, so it didn’t apply to me. My ex wife wasn’t committed to me in a realistic way. She would have to take long breaks from me or my son all the time. If we’d opened up our marriage, it would have been like many of the vignettes in the text in which the marriage was simply ending anyway so the inevitable was postponed via sharing about NRE within the couple or sometimes falling love with a partner and being monogamous with them and restarting a new monogamous relationship. I guess that could happen to me in a couple vee. I’ll have to work through that stuff if I sleep with a woman in an open marriage. Again, don’t bitch about your husband to me. I’ll exit that date!

“It is possible that polyamory attracts people who are prone to intellectualization, rationalization, and reaction formation as coping strategies. (p. 96).” I’m fine with having defenses that help me get through situations. I’m also pragmatic to a fault. I feel secure to explore now and want to interact. I’m going to ditch kickball and guitar on May 16th and sing karaoke with poly folk, and will blog about that experience fully. I enjoyed this book and now am ready to apply my knowledge getting to know more people who have been poly for years and with whom I can hopefully have close friendships.

Image by iqbal nuril anwar from Pixabay
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Solo Polyamory

Last fall I realized and made known to anyone who was talking to me about romance and relationship that I wanted never to mix finances or live with anyone. My divorce finalized a couple of weeks before my 48th birthday last fall. Then enter the climber who is poly and gender non-conforming and we had a fun outdoor climb. I started thinking is there a way to not be like her and live with people but be poly? I ran across this blog entry: https://holierthantao.com/2023/04/03/exploring-relationships-beyond-monogamy-the-rise-of-ethical-non-monogamy/

I nodded over and over as I read it, and then began some research. I read “The Polyamorists Next Door.” Here is a podcast that I found after I’d read a 10-year-old book: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/solo-polyamory/id1493565823?i=1000570686209

That was amazing for me. One of the people that Peter McGraw interviewed has had two “sweethearts” for years. Another woman interviewed has had a 6-month, year, and three-year relationship and has just started up with someone exciting who provides that which is referred to as “new relationship energy” (NRE) in the polyamorous world. A book comes out next winter and I’ll definitely read it.

Now, it’s time for me to go on more dates or spend more time with different women. I’m not sure how though to be completely honest via my incognito blog-diary. I think that I’ll join a group in May or June. I’m not a particularly social person. I do much better 1-1. I force myself to play kickball and bowl with strangers and now that our latter team has disbanded, I’m bowling with two colleagues and one of the colleague’s cousins on the gay league still. I also go to a guitar class each week, and don’t really like the social aspect. I just go to get better on the guitar. I’m trained as a psychologist; although, I never took the EPPP and did post-doc stuff in higher ed instead. (I would have had to taken it and passed it between the fall of 2014-2021 and never really studied much.) I mention that because people like to talk to me: a lot. I don’t love conversation unless it’s interesting.

When you’re a solo polyamorist you don’t personally have a primary relationship. There isn’t a triad or quad. I’ve done a vee and been in a dishonest quad. The former two-years after the divorce from my ex-husband and the latter in college, which really feels like a thousand years ago. What I didn’t like was the pressure in those. You have to follow through on things because the person that you’re with has other obligations at times, so you have to be available when the woman is.

I don’t want a primary relationship again. I don’t mind being on the side of some woman’s geometry, but don’t want to have to ask anyone who I can kiss. Additionally, when one reads NYT or the like what you’ll find are interviews of women who have two boyfriends. That isn’t me.

I also am independent and have a whole bunch of hobbies which my jobs get in the way of–especially in the spring. My health is so important to me. I like to sleep 7-10 hours, cook and eat really good food, and when I can’t cook I like to have a crispy apple, a can of albacore and an avocado. My sleep, nutrition and exercise were something that I compromised in both of my marriages. I’ll never do that again.

Solo polyamorous people don’t have a most significant other and their primary relationship is with themselves. I am a great date. I concentrate on that person completely, don’t use or even check my phone, and am an impeccable listener who asks good questions and can remember with uncanny detail what women tell me. I am a great friend. I cook for new mothers weekly, I drop off meals for women who have lost a family member, I coordinate details and make food for birthday parties, I call often friends who are going through difficult times. These, the romantic, and the platonic efforts, all come from me and I don’t have any expectation for anything in return. I love others all the time.

Here I am. My best friend is married and has two different jobs and various employees. I would say that all of my long-term friends, as defined as a minimum of 20-years, are either married or in longer term monogamous relationships. These folks are busy with work and other things. They’re also all: straight. I think that I need to have intentional new friendships and I think that I need to have poly role-models. There are certainly things that I don’t ever want to do: live with someone, give money to someone, put all of my love into one woman, or be in large groups for hours. I wonder what is next for me this spring and summer?

Image by xiSerge from Pixabay
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Vees

So, I’m on page 126 in the Sheff (2013) book and thinking about my past relationship with the woman who got a transplant recently as well as thinking about what I’ll never do again. It probably helps to review, but if you’re interested in the slightest, please read “Waiting or Dying.”

When I met her, I just wanted to hook-up and we did that for a couple of months. Then she pared down lovers and it was me and one other woman. We were eventually a vee. I knew about it with a great level of detail, and the other woman knew little about me. One time she had texted me, “Do you have earrings with _____?” I can’t remember what she texted. I texted back, “My ears aren’t pierced.” And she had texted something to the effect that she knew that I “could handle her asking about the earrings.” By that time, I don’t think that she was having sex with anyone but me and one other woman. We were a de facto vee after my girlfriend couldn’t manage her “kid in the candy store” stage. I was so busy with a preschooler that I could just sleep with her every other weekend.

I don’t want that ever again. The other woman was insanely jealous of me, and when my girlfriend moved, I was just glad that she was 6 states away. I wasn’t ever jealous. After she pursued me because the other woman was out of the picture, I couldn’t let go of that she really didn’t ever choose me. Being exclusive with me was an extension of her pervasive complacency. Our foundation was built on nothing, and we ended with nothing. How you start out does matter.

I don’t want to have or be a primary partner. I want an honest rotation. A quad would be ideal. I understand that the network would be complex, and I have no need to know much about any of the women in my partners’ networks. I would be fine if my partners wanted to zoom, phone or have a quick meeting, but that would not be something that I’d want. I just want a clean STI test and I’ll give one too before intimacy.

I would still like to hold hands, snuggle and kiss whoever I want to, and think that works fine too. If someone in my quad wants to sleep with an entire network that is totally fine with me too, and I know that I could manage around three significant relationships. Again, when there is time in between having sex, I won’t have sex with a woman until I see a newly dated STI document.

I don’t want weird jealousy ever again. I don’t want to ever listen to someone bitch about a woman in her network either.

We live way past 25 now. In some cases, a relationship can last forever and be very good. People dynamically grow and change together. Otherwise, I think that we’re meant to have many relationships. I personally want to have safe, honest, and relationships built on emotional intimacy. And like my friendships, I want to have many.

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay
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Whatcha reading?

As my pinky heals, I am still having some trouble with sports. I talked to the OT at work yesterday who encouraged me to manually close the finger to my palm and then ice it. I’ll do that between bowling tonight. In the meantime, I am reading “Attached,” and also came across a blog this morning with the term “solo poly” in it and found a researcher and professor who wrote a book called “The Polyamorists Next Door.” Being a professor myself, I easily downloaded it. It’s fascinating. I wrote to my friend via text today and said that I am enjoying “Attached,” but it’s VERY straight and exclusive monogamy-based. Totally fine with me as I want to learn more about adult attachment, but I need to read it in tandem with something for sexual minorities. Back to that.

Image by Dariusz Sankowski from Pixabay
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Chill

My best friend from work who I worked for 2001 through 2005 told me “Good luck today” via text and I texted back “Calm and Cool.” We rolled in roughly the same time and I beelined to my office and sat there for fifteen minutes going through 82 emails when the intercom with our Boss’ voice said “Meeting at 8:10.” I strolled in at 8:09 and they were already meeting. After a pause a colleague said, “Did you cut your hair? It looks great.” She swiveled around in her chair at the Conference Table and I looked straight ahead at our boss after saying thank you to the colleague. I could feel her looking at me. I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t notice her clean, long, blond hair and the way she had it tied back with the purple highlights showing when I strolled in at 8:09. When the meeting ended, I was the first one out the door. 10-minutes later she came into the office with my office mate and they were catching up. I had materials that were delivered to this building that I had to put in my car, so I ducked out. My other workmate who has the adjacent office was kinda leering into the office so I said, “Be right back” to him, and put the materials in my car and came back to the office and she was gone as was my office mate.

Around 8:45 she was going into her office wherein I was doing my morning routine of trips to rid myself of coffee that I really need to work and met her gaze in the hallway. I said, “Hi,” and she gave me the best, large smile and said, “Hello.” She had faded makeup on her eyes and looked super hot. I’m sure that I smiled large back at her.

At 9:30, she came into the large room at the front of my office that I share and was talking to our colleague and then she came in. She sat down and when I turned, our legs were really close together like they were on Halloween. We talked and her vacation wasn’t great. Mine really was. I said, “You should have pinged me!” She said, “You could have… All my housemates were sick all at different times, and I didn’t want to expose anyone.” The beginning of her sentence didn’t elude me. Yay. I asked her if we could go to one of those smashing places or throwing axes and she said that she was down. My officemate came in shortly after that. She took her leave.

I eat lunch with a colleague most Mondays, and did so today, and when I got back to my desk I had two texts. They were from her! “Lunch?” Several minutes later, “Want to get pizza?’ DAMMIT. I usually try to be a little screen free here and there. I texted an apology and later that I was sorry to miss an opportunity to connect. After work was over, I walked down the hall and she was in her office. She asked if I wanted to go to the ballet and that made me so happy because I had asked her on the 11th if she’d go to play, ballet, or symphony with me sometime as I had a nice cocktail dress. Her commuting partner came in shortly afterward, so I texted her tonight. Stay tuned, ya’ll.

It’s good to 1) not be weird, 2) avoid reading into anybody’s behavior, and 3) to be chill after you’ve had little contact.